"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Cry Me A River...

It's not really in my nature, to wish evil on other people, or revel in their sadness. I left all that long ago when I left the crazy 23 year old girl who was out of control, and hated herself in the past.

So, no..it doesn't make me happy to hear that notsomuchamanfriend is regretful of his decision and wishes he didn't do it. But it also doesn't make me happy that he seems to not want to fix the problem. Him. He has to work thru some issues.

And I wonder why I still love him. I sent him a looooooong letter today. In it I stated that I do love him today. And tomorrow I'll feel what I'm meant to feel. I also stated that I'm unsure what he knows about me, but cant help but wonder if he knows more than he lets on and in the words of Beyonce "don't be mad cus you see that he want it" ..knows that I am with someone else.
I don't hate him. I should, by other peoples standards. But I have no place for it. I'm a very loving person, and that's part of me I'll never change. Holding grudges and hate is not a way to live. It holds you down and only hurts you. I wish that same peace for everyone!
I told him how his friends have told me that he had what they all wanted (not ME per se) and they envied him for it. I don't know many people that can say that.

If only he were regretful, and showed me....if only. But I have to push aside wishing anything, and just "be". In the moment.

"Be still and know, that I am love."

This is how I get to sleep each night. Repeating this over and over until I fall asleep so I don't have a billion thoughts about him in my head.

I believe in karma. I can't help wondering when mine will all catch up with me. I thought I found it. I thought he was it. But he was not ready for me. This is me. It's the me I love very much.
"oh juliet..when we made love you use to cry, you said youd love me like the stars above you'd love me til we die. There's a place for us, you know the movie song. When you gonna realize it's just that the timing was wrong" (Romeo and Juliet, Edwin McCain)

Timing. Maybe like a car I can get my timing belt replaced. It always seems to be off. We started on a path of enlightenment together but only I kept going.
Alot was said between us, and it's between us.

I saw new guy last night. New guy doesn't seem so keen on committment either. Nothings happened, but maybe my lesson is to learn that nobody is perfect. You have to choose the faults in others that you will be ok with.

I had fun with new guy. But, have I mentioned he's not manfriend? And the distraction is only temporary?

I think I've listened to this song 6,000 times today.
Which is the ultimate you cheated on me you sonofobitch song.

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
Made other plans
Bet you didn't think that theyd come crashing down, no
You don't have to say what you did I already know I found out from him
Now theres no chance for you and me there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it
You told me you loved me why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone
Girl I refuse you must have me confused with some other guy
Your bridges were burned now its your turn to cry
Cry me a river....

1 comment:

Andhari said...

Wow you're a so much better person than me. Very peaceful and forgiving. I wish I could be more like that. If a guy hurts me, I feel like I don't want that guy on my sight at all. :/