"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Screwed Up..

Funny how long it takes to realize you are screwed up huh?

I had a really nice date with the new guy Saturday. Except that I can't get over that he doesnt smell right. It isnt that he stinks and I can't explain it. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night because it smells like that too. And I can't smell very well.

The whole thing just feels wrong.

He's super sweet and it's obvious that I'm not ready to move on. Silly to think it would be so easy. I have to tell him how I feel.

All I do when we are together is think of notsomuchamanfriend. So much so that I cried when I stayed the night Saturday. How awesome is that? While he snoozed away. I feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong because my heart and mind are elsewhere. And that's not his fault.

(snoozing at 11pm, mind you. )

I'm the kind of girl, that's just going out at 9, 10, 11. I like to go out and see and be seen, and mingle with people I know. One of my girlfriends that he knows before I knew her, wanted us to meet her out and he didn't wanna go. So I was like, ohhhh keeee, we'll hang out here. On a Saturday night. And he was falling asleep by 9pm. He did tell me to call her and I said "you wanna go out?" he said no....

Like I'm gonna leave after he made me dinner and everything.

It's all a big fat mess. I can't watch anything, listen to anything, look at anything, think of anything, or be sober without thinking of notsomuchamanfriend. I guess i can't be drunk either and not think about him, but at least that way I can sleep.

All the while he's told me that he is sorry. I can't explain how I feel. I spent years shaping myself into the person I am today. True, hard work to honor and acknowledge my needs, and my feelings so I am able to get what I want/need. To act like I don't miss notsomuchamanfriend, is not honoring myself. Or being real.

I've been shit on plenty. But I've never had this experience where I was always so happy and treated well, and then poof its gone to no fault of my own. I've been through worse, with my divorce. Way, way worse. But that's just the thing. It was worse. The relationship was crap to begin with. And getting over him, not this hard. We were together 7 years.

Me and notsomuchamanfriend...two years. But two years of happy beats out 7 years of misery any old day.

Obviously there is a lot to be said, and I can't rightfully blog my entire life. But, I talked to him for 9 hours Sunday. From 11 at night til 8 monday morning.

And it was a good, good....talk.

7 comments:

Narm said...

You should have put New Guy's hand in hot water so he peed himself - then you would totally have a reason to kick him out and go have fun.

I don't think that would help with the smell, though.

Beth said...

Your an awesome person and deserve only the best. I say be careful just because I don't want to see you sad.

P.S. no smelly guy allowed.

LiLu said...

I can't talk. I'm totally asleep by 9 pm on a Saturday.

<-------- lame sauce

Teena in Toronto said...

You just need time ...

mylittlebecky said...

yeah, i am such a fan of sleep and not so much a fan of the "general public" so i got nothing there. at least you got some yummy dinner :)

Damsel Underdressed said...

I was wondering how long it would take you to realize that New Guy was just a rebound.

It's a natural instinct to just want to replace what we just lost and continue on. But the fact of the matter remains...you can't fill that void with somebody else. Only YOU can mend the hole Notsomuchamanfriend left in your heart. I know that it sucks and it is going to be a whole lot of work on your part but in the end, when you love yourself and take pride in the fact that YOU and nobody but YOU built the strength you now possess, you will be so glad that this happened to you. That is when your true love will walk into your life.

When my ex husband first left, I immediately tried to replace him and move on but I see now how that wouldn't have worked. I see now how I've grown and changed. And I like the way I am now a lot better.

Everything happens for a reason. Just believe.

Fizzgig said...

Narm
that would have made the evening entertaining

Beth:
you know i love you. Im being careful as i can! he didnt smell in a bad way he just didnt smell right. i think like some people just dont taste right (i mean kissing get your mind out the gutter)

Lilu:
what? 9? whats wrong with you lol

Teena:
yea time is the great wounder of all things.

Becky:
well i like sleep to i like to sleep in. new guy gets up at the butt crack of dawn!

damsel:
this is all very true!unfortunately ive already been through all of that. lol i am already strong, and happy i had those life experiences. I was a totally different person 5 yrs ago. Clingy, and codependant! And everything does happen for a reason. Everything!