"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, March 13, 2006

Fork In The Road....

I had one of those weekends that you don't see coming. It seems there has been a huge turn to my life with CP. Addiction. It's a sick and hurtful thing. I knew that he had a problem with taking pain pills when we first met, and by problem, I mean that he liked to take them. That is how it was described to me. The word addiction never came up. The reason he wanted to stop, was because he said he spent too much money on them, and he wanted to get my engagement ring. I didn't know that at the time. So for a while he did quit. The past month or so things have been 'off' with us, just something was different. Something wasn't right. Since he went back to work. His stories didn't match. He looked weird. He didnt' act happy to see me like he use to. I had a week off my second job that he spent playing a video game. Now I know, he couldn't face me having been lying to me. I won't get into the details of his actions, but it's not exactly good. And, he scares the shit out of me. And, I don't mean for a second that I am afraid for myself. It scares me what he is doing to himself.

Friday, I found the evidence. He tried to lie to me again about it. I've been around enough addiction in my past to know how they think. He wasn't thinking about how it hurt me to lie to me every day. This one lie, caused a billion other lies. It is to the point that he can't deal with it alone. I figure there is no point in us being engaged, if we can't see how we deal with this sort of obstacle in our lives. Yes, I'm very hurt. No one likes to be lied to. But, it also helped me realize, how much of a problem it is, and how out of control it had become. He wanted to come clean, and asked for my help. Funny how that works, ask and you shall receive. I can understand a lot of his thinking, and actions. I don't think they are ok. But they are typical of addiction. We spent the weekend talking, and crying, and coming clean with each other. I dunno what's in store for tomorrow or the day after that, but today, he wants help. And, I'm willing to stick by that. What we have is special to me, and everyone deserves a second chance. Beyond that, who knows.

What I take from this, is instead of feeling stupid for falling for lies, I feel grateful that now I know, I was right. Something was wrong. Every time that I felt he was lying to me, whether to my face, or on the phone, I didn't buy it. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what. I didn't want to believe it either. I feel good knowing, that in the future, I can trust my instincts.

Trust is a huge issue with me. I know it will take time. The thing that is getting me through, is that I don't have any doubt about my decision. That has to mean something, from someone who could never make decisions for herself in the past. I asked him if I fell in love with the real him. The told me he isn't a liar. He knows he lied to me about this aspect, that caused others, all related to drugs. I can understand that. I am really even amazing myself, because this is not how I pictured myself reacting. I'm not even saying, that I'm sorry for deciding to take this route, because I'm not. I feel it is the right thing to do. Past hurts, and relationships, have clouded a lot of my life and my present. I'm not letting that happen this time. I can learn more from my past, besides that I was hurt. I'm taking the positives, and using that.

And, all that therapy on my own has paid off. This time, I know I didn't cause this problem. I know I can't change it either. I know I can't make him stick to his word. I know that while it would hurt not being with him, incredibly....that I can be without him. I don't need anyone to make it the way I use to think I did. That helps me not get mixed up in his problem. Having gone through this in every relationship, minus one, I should be an old pro. But like most things with him, this is different.

It's going to be a long road, but nothing happens on accident. I found those pills for a reason. We are still together for a reason, and we are working together to try to fix it for a reason. It's not easy at all. And I'm still hurting. What helps is that he is sorry. He knows he did wrong, and he wants to correct the problem, causing him to take drugs. As long as I feel like this is going foreward, it'll work out.

Like I said, Today, it's O.K.

well, I'm watching the dragons
as they make another claim
he used to be a friend of mine
I called him by his name
well, there's nothing you can say to nirvana
when it's packed up in a syringe
we'll call up your mama
and bus in all your friends
well, I'm watching the dragons
as they slither out of sight
and I wonder,who'll be sleeping alone tonight
Beth lost her sister
they came and they took her away
and there ain't enough pills in the world
and nothing I can say
so I tell her I love her
and that she's a friend
and each time I leave her
I wonder if I'll see her again
then I look in the mirror
the dragon has taken form
I wonder if he's coming for me
cuz' I have been forewarned
-Dragons, Edwin McCain


Celina said...

Wow! I hope all the best for y'all.
Sometimes I worry about R, too. Because his dad had "addiction issues" pretty much throughout his whole life, I think R had a lot of experience with it being "okay" to take pills...and I just have to trust him to make good decisions. Of course, when I do find "random pills" I HAVE to ask what they are & why he has them...
Anyways, I really just hope that y'all can get through this together!

Mon said...

Thank you! We are trying, and thats all we can do right now! It's a step in the right direction!!

MzAriez said...

Mon...I don't really know you. We are just internet friends. Somehow, my words and your words have connected us if only for a short period of time. I appreciate the stories you share and the wonderful comments you have given me. Although I have never personally met you, I still want the best for you.

I pray that CP can let go of this permanently. You guys deserve to have a happy life. I am so glad you are able to "see" things now and have confidence in yourself and your gut feelings. I see the growth of wisdom in you in your stories and I hope you continue being strong.

The greatest thing about your 30s, besides being in our prime, is that we have our 20s to reflect on to avoid those same stupid mistakes.

Take care girl. You are supported in Minnesota. LOL.

Mon said...

MZ: I never thought of my 30's that way, but you know what, it makes perfect sense!!! And thank you for your support! I really believe this will all be ok.

Rachel said...

He's so lucky you're there for him. That's a hard thing to go through. I hope he can take advantage of therapy and a support group. They can help him figure out the root of the problem and get through it so you guys don't have to do it alone.