"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Thursday, June 30, 2005

Running on empty...

My minds all foggy! I am running on 3 hrs sleep. Sometimes, there are better things to do than sleep. Tonight is going to be a rough night working!

Ever see Practical Magic? Remember how the one girl's family is cursed from finding their one true love? Thats me! I feel like once I find it something will still happen to screw it up, like, you know, getting hit by a car, or a random lumber jacking accident....*ahem*. I got to see Work guy again last night, needless to say!

Yesterday, he came to see me at work. For like, 15 min. cus he missed me. And today, he came to my work when he left my house, for a kiss! Could you just puke or what???? Or...is he crazy?

Momma told me I should take my biggest loser $ and buy more skirts....She's always telling me I have nice legs. But she's the Momma.

I find myself thinking a lot about the past, on my great quest to find meaning in things. I can remember with TWDSO I had to talk myself into liking him. WG mentioned that he didn't want things to be forced, but to just happen on their own. I am on the same page. I think I let TWDSO's feelings affect my decisions. I don't remember feeling like this when we met. I felt apprehensive mostly. I liked that he liked me so much. I liked that he paid me attention. I liked that he sent me flowers, and said nice things to me, but I never felt it. I believe the whole problem was, I didn't like 'him'. I liked his actions. And, I never dated anyone who was nice to me.

I thought since he was a nice guy, and interested in me, it was meant to be. Maybe not? I don't remember ever feeling with him, that I couldn't get enough. Or, that I didn't want to be away from him. I remember he felt that way about me, which flattered me into liking it. I can remember sitting at his house, counting down the moments until I could leave. Seriously!

I can remember, watching TV and wondering when the hell the sex would be over with. LOL. True though. I would avoid him at all costs, and that really wasnt me. It took an ex to make me realize that....I was lying to myself! I wasn't even attracted to him at all, and I'd pretend to sleep to get out of having sex with him. God, isn't that fucked up?

It was always the same. Nothing different, nothing off the chain! And if you don't have that passion for someone, it isnt worth the time!! It's just going through the motions. Literally. Funny, how, I still moved in with him after knowing all this stuff! I thought I didn't know what I wanted, and that it was right with him, just my head was screwy. I said all the time he was 'different' and people said different is good. I would agree, but not totally. It pays to know what you want. I'm gonna get me some of that...knowledge shit.

Maybe he wasn't such an asshole after all. Maybe I am the asshole? Maybe I am the one who led HIM on this whole time? I kept telling myself, if only.... things would be better. I guess I never really was happy. We were good friends. He had told me that a few times, and it offended me. But, he was probably right! It reminds me of OLD times, and I really enjoy it!

So, I decided that I am not going to meet the Canadians. Bubba is taking someone else. It doesn't feel like something I want to do, and so, I am not doing it. I know there is nothing wrong with going out for whatever reason, but I am not. There is a reason I don't want to, and I'm going to go with it. (of course, I dont know what that is right now!)

At work last night, Bubba attempted the 'I'm feelin it' which is really funny because she jumped in the parking lot like her cheerleader self. We had a good laugh. She went to the restroom after a while and came back to say she had split her pants!!!!! When we went on break, I couldn't stop laughing, it was right on her butthole, and it was on the seam! She tried a sticker, that made it worse. Her shirt wouldn't cover it. I couldn't stop laughing. I had to follow her on breaks so no one could see her hole.

As always, it was classic! It's great to laugh at the stupidest things with friends. It is good for your soul!

Today's Question:

If you could inherit a comfortable home in any city in the world that you could use but not sell, where would you want it to be?

Charleston, SC. On the battery. One of the old homes, on Rainbow Row. With lots of rooms for my mom and sis and bro to live there too! I could afford to live there, vs. moving to Australia. That will remain my happy place, but I would live in SC.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Shake your leg....

If you don't remember Tom Green. This won't be funny. Skip over.

Bubba is a good friend. She got me some Care-a-mels for being the biggest loser.

They make me shake a leg.....

And the Winner Is........

I overslept. I was having good dreams. I woke up at 8:22, work starts at 7:45! Jus' a lil' late! This wknd I vow to spend a day sleeping! I promise! Probably Monday....who knows? Friday I am hanging w/the gal's. Tayray and Bubba. We dunno whether we will cry with the Notebook, or get drunk. Well, have some drinks.

Oh, the decisions.... I just had to weigh in for the final day. Man, is this nerve wracking! It's a lot of money! I didn't lose this week. But, I didn't gain either. I will be thankful for that, considering, I didnt exercise over the wknd, drank mass quantities of alchohol, and ate not only pizza, cheese, and chips, but the krispy kremes!! Oh, and, the donut holes! I did manage to leave the krispy kremes alone after Saturday. Even though, they are STILL sitting on my table. Hey, I work a lot! I have no time for cleaning right now.

I am the biggest loser! Thank you, thank you. My speech? Ok!!

I won $116!!! I would like to thank.... myself first, for not giving up, and exercising even though its swelteringly hot and I'm dog tired after working twice! I'd like to thank Tayray, for strip aerobics'ing with me, and running the stairs, and walking the dogs. I'd like to thank my legs for not giving out on me. I'd like to thank Birds Eye who makes an edible frozen vegetable, without which I would starve to death. I'd like to thank Budweiser, for making a drinkable beer for those watching calories. Carbs, for being so delicious, and proving, that people can in fact, eat you and not gain weight! (come on America! its brain food!) And, finally I'd like to thank Carmen Electra, for telling me its ok to touch myself, and to never underestimate the power, of the finger in the mouth. Speak on my sista! LOL!!!

But seriously, I am pretty happy that I won. I love competition, and I love when I win! What can I say? This is my 'thang'.

I don't want to be at work. But, if I weren't here, then I wouldn't get anything done cus WG has invaded my brain. He knows my thoughts, and what I want w/o even telling him. I am trying not to think it is too good to be true.

Some day, I might eat my own words. I thought people who say they just knew were full of shit. Maybe you do? Maybe you don't. Time will tell. There are 11 hours and 40 min left to today. And that is as far as I want to think where those things are concerned. I'm trying. Desperatley!

My friend is having a party on Sunday. She invited me instead of those we dont speak of. Because, I am clearly the better choice! It makes me happy because she was friends with him before her and I met. And her and I were friends before me and him met. He is a fuddy dud, and doesn't know how to have fun. But I was really afraid that things would change w/us.

I don't really care about any of the other people we hung out with, thats the past. But she is a good friend. She said he could hear through the grapevine but doubts he will come cus he wasn't invited. I would think he could take that as a hint, that I will be there. I have no desire to see him. Especially since he thought that we could be cool around each other. I told him, that he knew me better than that, and we would never be around each other. I intend to keep it just like that!
But I don't think right now, that anything could bring me down.

Today's Question:

If you could foresee a single day of your future in its entirety, what date would you select?

This is a tough one. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. And it messes up yer noggin. So I have thought about a lot of days in my future. And wondered different things. But the one that would most interest me I suppose, though it may be morbid, is the day I die. I'd like to know that in the end, I was loved, and cared for, had friends and family around, and hopefully I don't get hit by a car, or mamed and killed, and chopped into bits!!!!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

My dog and the opthamologist....

Did I mention yet, that I have to take my dog to an opthomologist? Yea, I am wearing my 1 month contacts for my 3rd month, and my dog gets to see an opthamologist. Go figure.
Her eyes aren't improving, with the dry eye. I rinse them, and oint them twice a day. I have to soak under her eye with a hot washcloth since the hole is still there. The opthamologist may know more about what the hole is. The vet said it isnt her tooth as he had first thought.

My vet called today. My dog has 4 bacteris growing in her ear. Let me tell you, she smells REAL nice, and so does my entire house! I had to wait on her test results to give her meds, because he was unsure if it was a yeast infection again, or a bacterial infection. Something called Prodius is the worst one she has.

Guess what then? In 3 weeks she gets to go BACK to the vet again! I swear, I do everything they tell me to do with her, and she is there all the time. I am starting to develope a complex! She is really in poor shape in her old age! My poor Little Hill!!!

What's love got to do with it?...

I'm smitten. Thats as big a word as I will use!

So I'm in the mood to write about the evil 'L' word today. I am not in love.....but it's hard to go along and think that you have control over your life, your feelings, and your emotions, and realize that you can't really stop your feelings forever. I have been successful at stopping them in the past. But I probably also lost out on lots of oppurtunities that way.

WG suprised me last night, after work. He said sometime there could be a knock at my door at 12:30 (when he gets off) I said good thing I have a doorbell.....well he came! All I am willing to say here, is that it felt really good to be held, and feel like someone genuinly enjoyed my company. I am not ready for that 24-7. No pressure, no worries, no labels. It seems so much simpler this way.

I am trying not to stop my feelings, like I tend to do. I told him that I don't want any labels. I don't want to call it anything, because what it is is perfectly fine with me. If you put a name on it, then you have something to live up to.

He seems to be ok with it. I am afraid to be hurt, but I am also afraid to hurt him. He JUST broke up w/his g/f. He said the same thing I say about those we don't speak of, that he realized it wasnt really a relationship but a comfort zone. I know that feeling. TWDSO never communicated with me at all. He expected that by telling me "I love you", that solved everything.

Like, I could get everything I ever needed out of those 3 words. "I love you" when your upset, when your angry, when you are a dick, when you are frustrated, when your intimate....personally, those 3 words are just that.... words to me anymore. We've all said them, a million times, to different people. I have said it and not even felt the same about the person. I don't intend to let myself get caught up in those words. Love is a feeling. It doesnt come out of your mouth....but your heart.

The people change, but the words stay the same? I don't know. To me, their lies. Because here I am, after 6 'loves' saying, I didn't love them! I did love my ex husband, more than anything, and I put up with so much from him. But I was willing to sacrifice so much, for love.
I heard a lot, but saw little results. You can show someone how you feel. What a new concept!

So far, I like what is happening. I was happy before, but now, I can't help but smile...a lot! People are starting to notice..and I am terrified. So, I enjoy each day.

I thought TWDSO was the one for me. He was perfect for me on paper. If I had described the perfect guy for me, I would've described him, as a person. But he didn't give me what I wanted. We were not right for each other. I dont ever want to go back to settling because I am comfortable!

He had money, but it didn't really benefit me at all. I always was big on making my own money, paying my own way. He wanted me to need him, and I wasn't having any part of it! He was not big on taking care of me in any other way. If I borrowed money, he wanted it right back. He didn't like to help me do anything really, just sit and watch me have at it. He wasn't the 'man' that I had pictured myself with. He was not perfect, and I was not either. I know I had a part in pushing him out of my life, but he went so easily. There was no fight. He was too afraid perhaps? Who knows, or cares at this point. I'm only saying, that some things that I thought were important to me, might not be so important. There are so many little ways to show someone that you care about them, that he simply did not do.

There are more words in the English vocabulary, to say to a person, besides, "I love you". It is not a fix all, they are words. Of course you have similar feelings with each person you are with. I don't know if it is him, or if it is my state of mind right now, or if it is because I finally feel something? If I get hurt in the end, what can I say but, it's part of life??

It goes along the same line of thinking, as when someone hurts you on purpose, ie...having an affair, and you find out, and what do they say...hmmmm "I'M SORRY!" Their just words! To little too late!

I am ok by myself. I can make it on my own. I do not plan to rush into anything ever again like the last time. I just have to keep thinking that it's all ok. I will be fine! I wont live with someone again, until I am certain of my future. That is my choice, my promise to myself, and I won't break it again! I won't let myself get caught up!

All I can say about WG is that he is open with me, which I like, about everything, which I really like. I enjoy being that way I just need someone to bring it out of me. I stop myself from thinking about the future. Today, I am cheesing. Today, I am happy. Today, My head is in the clouds, and I keep laughing to myself. Today, I keep imagining him with me. Today, things are good. Today, I keep reading his words. I can't wait to see him at work. Tomorrow, I will worry about tomorrow. If I start thinking about more than a day at a time, I feel overwhelmed, and riddled with doubts, and fear! So this is where I choose to live. In the moment. And...right now, the moment is good. Double good!

Today's Question:

How do You feel about the words I love you? Are they enough?

MMMM....read my post! I say, NO!

Monday, June 27, 2005

Walking on Sunshine...

It's Monday morning. I'm not really awake. I partied toooo much this wknd for sure! My coworker asked why I was so smiley today...hmmm I can't imagine why...what could it beeee?

I got windows in the trash today. I am a trash picker. I paint them, so I needed them! People throw this shit away!! I have no shame!

Friday night I went to the Beir Haus after work, and had a few. They were playing 80's tunes. Tayray requested 'Disco Inferno' (50 cent) and when they finally played (that 'crap') at 11, he said it was for me lol! Good ol' Tayray! It's Hot! Disco Inferno! (thats the jam!) Got to peep the cute bartender. He reminds me of my brother, not that I peep my brother, but he has the same mannerisms. Tayray had some tequila again!! Oh, how I miss the innocent days of tequila shots! ha ha! I got home, and cleaned, and talked to work guy!

Saterday I worked, ran around the entire day in the sweltering heat, kept forgetting my sour cream for dip!! And the girls came over around 6.
We all had our PJ's on, it was fun. I gave everyone their gifts! They each got a martini glass with a colored bottome, a candle, and some rock star nail polish in little purses with either pink or black fur on them. We watched movies, and laughed, and drank, and laughed! DRANK! Got the buzz on pretty early, had to slow er down, and get some food! We had pizza, and chips and dips, and cheese, and cheese ball. Bubba spilled the crackers all over the floor, it was like a bad outtake from a commercial for Ritz! We laughed forever. At some point, bubba passed out in my downstairs, we didn't know where she went! She was ok after a while! We watched Napoleon Dynamite. I watched it w/those we don't speak of, sober, granted, and didnt crack a smile! I laughed my drink all over the place this time!!!! So, if you watch it, get your drinkon! Its much funnier! We watched chick flicks, and talked.

We made a trip to Dairy Mart in the night, its becoming a tradition!
I made chocolate martinis, and mojitos. There was 6 of us, skippy came at the perfect time, with the Krispy Kremes......ohhhhh the food we ate! Ha Ha! Good time!

About who knows when, cus I have no clocks, my brother calls:

Bro: What are you doing?
Me: Having a party.
Bro: Well you didn't tell ME you were having a party tonight.
Me: It's a slumber party, Girls only!
Bro: Well, I like girls!!!!

(Bro is very single! Needs. Woman. Now. Needs.Married. Happy. Put up with him. love him.)

Yesterday I worked, and work guy met me here, and we went to my house, I changed and we went to Bubba's. Her and her guy and us went to see a band, but it was the wrong band. It ended up being like a Neil Diamond band, in the heat, and sun! So, we left!

Work guy is a really nice guy. He makes me laugh, I enjoy his company! I just don't want a boyfriend. I am not ready for that. And he knows that, and seems to be respectful of it so far. Plus, he JUST broke up w/his girlfriend of 4 years. I am 3 months out, and still dealing with those we dont speak of. I don't want to be a bad influence on him either, cus I'm ahead of him where that is concerned. When I took him to his car last night, we did kiss.....Nothing like kissing a fish named those we don't speak of! He called me when he got home too.

Time will tell what this all leads to. I don't expect anything. I am mostly afraid to hurt him, more than me, because he is vulnerable! I told him that before we kissed, that he should go cus he is vulnerable. I tried! I don't want to be the rebound. I don't want anything involved right now.

Men sure don't take long do they? They should figure a way to market that feeling, after a break up, and sell it to women, they would be richer than I could ever imagine too! Cus we complain that you move on too fast, but really, we're jealous, because we are stuck feeling all the pain, and your off w/your new woman! I want to see a seminar on this, ASAP!

Bubba's man was a lot more talkative this time, he must have felt like another ingredient to the succotash today. No more summer squash! lol. He let her drive his car!!!!!!! Bubba can sometimes scare you when she drives. Well, usually she does. And he was non-chalant, sure you can drive it. She also has a fuckus (focus) and he has a big jeep. She did better driving the big car I think! It was fun! I said, he is a keeper!!!!!!!!!!! He gets my stamp of approval.

It's great to be at work! Bubba is going to call off work tonight, so, not only do I have to work alone tonight, and the night will drag, but I have to face work guy alone after the kiss! ack! lol!
I don't call off unless i really have to. My house is a mess. I partied 3 days straight. But I can'tcall off!! I need the money! I want to quit working 2 jobs some day! SOME day!

Brass Monkey is on the radio! (Beastie Boys)
That funky monkey!!!

I have no question, cus my books are at home!
So, this is one I remember from the book from Saterday:

What single word do you hate the most:

Im gonna have to say the infamous 'C' word. It's vulgar. I don't hate it, unless it is directed at ME!

Friday, June 24, 2005

Whoo! I stank!

I forgot to brush my teeth today.

This isn't something I often forget, but I was out of toothpaste. I bought new yesterday and some listerine. I used my listerine, but now I'm feeling not so fresh. I remember, not brushing them, cus, the box was still unopened from my toothpaste today.

If you see me, run for the hills. I can't promise that my breath will not set your hair on fire!!!!

I am too damn tired to even remember to brush my teeth! Which reminds me of what I did last night for the second time (that I remember).

I'm sitting in the tub (I'm a bath girl) squeeze some shampoo into my hands, lather up, and apply directly to my face!!!!! As if that wasnt bad enough, I ALMOST put my body lotion in my hair. I said to myself "self, what is wrong with you?" I said "I do not know, maybe you should go to bed?"

Then, I stayed up until 1a.m. watching my Tivo'd Days of Our Lives....
Got up at 7, to start the whole day over again!

I need a vacation!! I hope to get the hell out of here before they close the pool at my mom and sis's!

The inventors hall of fame, and stuff....

Our laugh for the day is brought to you by my good friend. These, are really her dads slippers. And, yes, those are bungees!!!! We are going to try to get him into the inventors hall of fame. I always knew he was the person to go to when you needed something rare, this proves, his handiness, is off the chain!! If enough people show interest, maybe he can market them. I'll only require a 5% fee for posting them. I'd love to be 5% of a millionaire, any day!!!


There isn't much going on in my life today so far. I don't have any prospects on the man front for the wknd. Bubba and I thought we should get a stripper for tomorrow night. But, we are broke. Plus, who wants to look at cake when you can't eat it? NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME!!!!

I bought myself the cutest Hello Kitty Shower Hooks yesterday! My bathroom, is Hello Kitty! I love it, another perk to being single!!

I made it to running up and down the steps 30 times. 30 times up 30 times down. I know it may not seem like much, but i sit on my butt or sleep for 21 hours in the day!! It really is hard to sit all day! I don't want to get a saggy butt and cellulite! Which brings up the show "30 days"
Last night they did all this anti-aging stuff to this man. Not the skin, from the inside out. He only did it for 30 days. He ended up with a low sperm count, and liver abnormalities from the human growth hormone, supplements (he took like 40 a day) and the testosterone.

The observation I made out of the whole thing, is that his wife was a super bitch, and he was cute, and sweet. Can't a normal girl find someone? I'm not crazy! I'm not a bitch! I'm not jealous! I have a life! I have a nice car! I work! I have friends! I have a kick ass apartment! I can fix a clogged sink! I can lift 8lbs! I laugh at just about anything! (Besides Napolean Dynamite, I just dont get that movie!!)I like to be silly! I can be serious! I have all my original parts! (but I aspire to have some work one day)I love animals!

It seems like all the bitchy controlling women have the good men! WTF? I vow to not complain about being single, because I really love the freedom, and some day, I will miss it when I'm tied town!


I'm sure I'll have a fun trip to get alchohol on my lunch break if nothing else. If I'm feeling really crazy, maybe I can spike the water cooler at work....kiddingggg kidding! I wouldn't waste good alchohol on random people! If anyone drinks it, I'm drinking it!!!!

Last night at work, work guy sat by us. He told me that he isn't sitting by me and Bubba again, cus we are loud, and he couldn't stop staring at me....Ok I'm trying not to enjoy that someone likes my company and looking at me.....I'm trying. When we left he walked us out and he told me that he would miss talking to me. I admitted I missed talking to him the other night, but he doesn't get off work til 12 and I'm in bed usually at 12. He is going back to his girlfriends to get his stuff and have the talk I guess. I feel bad, cus I know how bad it sucks to leave. UGH!
So I gave him a hug, and it felt nice! Hugs are nice! I'm trying to just keep it at this level. On my end, not to willy nilly throw caution to the wind, cus that isn't me.
.

Bubba used a big word today. "condensation" We wont mention "oblivious" but those who know, know! lol! Good for you! Today, use "condensation" again!

This one is for Tayray: "It's cold out today, the sun is so dispising" (deceiving Tayray...deceiving!)

Until I come up with something more clever to say....

Today's Question:

If you were to describe your first kiss, what would you say?

First, I feel old, because I had to sit here and think about who was the first boy I kissed!
That should pop right into your head for sure! Without consulting my journal (which I am sure at the time, I wrote about how fabulous it was) I remember it was my first 'boyfriend'. His initials are MH. Mom had to give us the butterfly in a jar speach, because we were SO in LOVE!!! I was 12. He was, um, younger, by um, a few years! lol!!! But nonetheless, we were in LOVE. I just remember it was outside my house on the porch, and I am pretty sure my friend was there to witness it. It must have been good because we were together off and on for a couple of years. I said it was LOVE didn't I? Our song was 'When I see you Smile' By Bad English! LOL!
I still think about him when I hear it.




I got this in an email, so I'm posting it, its great for a Friday!



Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they
still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.












Thursday, June 23, 2005

Oh, brother, where art thou?...

You, are like family to me! I see you more than I see my own brother! Who
lives 15 min. from me...

This is the countdown....

In exactly 2 weeks....

We will all be blessed with the summers most addictive TV series....

3 days a week....

The drama, the backstabbing, the PB&J...

Yes, me and Bubba also partake in the fantasy league....

Neither of us has ever notably kicked ass.......

Dun da dunnnn........

Big Brother 6 Premieres July 7th at 8pm...

I will be watching, at 10pm...I hate missing the live shows! &*^&)*)_(+_ WORK!



Don't let me down, be in the know!

Sis, this means, you will be hip, if you watch Big Brother!

Holla back and stuff!!! LOL!!!
(Ya hurr?)

Well, maybe they DO sparkle?

So, last night work guy said this song reminded him of me. I have to admit, though its country (im so over country music!) it made me smile.....
Of course, then all night I wanted to cry because it made me 'feel' and I try not to feel! Obviously that is what he is in my life for. I have to just try and go with the flow.

Heres the song:

I like blue eyes, hers are green.
Not like the woman of my dreams.
And her hair's not quite as long as I had planned.
Five foot three isn't tall.
She's not the girl I pictured at all.
In those paint by number fantasies I've had,

So it took me by complete surprise.
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes.
She's not at all what I was looking for.
She's more.

No it wasn't, at first sight,
But the moment I looked twice.
I saw the woman I was born to love.
Her laughter fills my soul,
And when I hold her I don't wanna let go.
When it comes to her I can't get enough.

More than I dreamed of,
More than any man deserves.
I couldn't ask for more than a love like hers.

****************************************

Bubba and I are going to meet some Canadian Dr.'s 'A'. They live here and have no friends. Their new to the US. lol.
Those Canadians are nice folks! A coworker went to one of them for her back, and the rest is history. Should be interesting. Just friends, unless its love at first sight, that you cant help! This
will happen next week. Keep on the edge of your seats for what happens....ha ha.

I often wonder if we are all on TV. That is how much TV has warped my mind. Remember the Truman show? Like that! When I said that to Bubba the other night on the phone, I said I hope not, as I am sitting here w/my stomach sticking out, and a barrette holding my bangs out of my eyes, sitting indian style on the couch smoking a cigarette!! But we decided it would be nice, cus then we could leave our fate's up to the veiwers. So I made sure to say 'vote now, who will we end up with?'. Everyone, vote......now.....! It's nice to live in a fantasy world! Try it out for yourself!!!!

Job #2 last night. Was a billion laughs! First, Bubba knocked over her diet coke onto my stats sheet, and desk, and my leg. This is business as usual for her, its her 'thing' lol. Then, cane guy, who hasnt used his cane in a long time, stopped at her desk, and took off his shoe, and shook it out right in her face basically. Then, at almost quitting time, you hear the loudest fart ever..cane guy, had his headphones on, so he didn't know how loud he farted. We all busted out laughing, and knew he made a stink of his pants, it was THAT kinda noise!!!! After a few min he went to the bathroom. We were laughing so hard, we were crying. My kinda night! lol!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Stick me in storage for a while....

I think I should be unwound, batteries removed, and put in a box. Someone please open me up in 5 years. I think 5 years will be long enough for the brain to rest and decide my fate!! I think I am a danger to myself! (not in a serious way....its ok)

I think it was safe to get to know work guy cus he had a girlfriend. He was 'unavailable' as I like my men to be for some reason! He called today, we chatted. Now, they are breaking up. I talked it out with him last night, tried to get him to stick with her, cus I really believe all problems can be solved if you want to solve them.

So, I am not a homewrecker.

Now, I feel like falling off the face of the earth and hiding. The mere thought, of being with someone again, scares the shit out of me. He isn't pressuring me or anything, but it's a possiblity, and it makes me want to poo.

So don't worry about me, I'll be up on a shelf, you can take me out from time to time and move my arms and legs so I don't get box sores, but other than that, leave me be!

I'd like to be fitted with a pull string, so I can still make you laugh spitting such phrases as "G-Unit" and the still new, but ever popular "I'm good with that".

5 years! And, if someone could get me in for some lipo, a breast lift, and some botox while I'm going to be laid up already...that would be greaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!

(This means, I also do not have to face 30 for 5 more years, I'm a genius!)

Let's call this 'Rambling'

Its hump day, it's weigh-in day. I feel like a bowl of Jell-o. I did extra arms last night. I'm tired of having flabby arms. I lost 6lbs this week. Don't ask me how! 95% vegetables, protien shakes, chicken here and there. Working a lot. Working alot. Doing the stairs, and my Carmen Electra. I can't imagine what i would lose if I gave up the alchohol on wknds!!!! (plus all that junk I ate this wknd!) My total is 21lbs total, I think only 10 of that is from the work challenge. Today I put on pants and zipped and buttoned them, for months, I couldnt button them. Progress! Yet I went shopping last wknd, and couldn't buy a size smaller pants. My size is too big, next one down is too small. I'm in-between. Yay me! Watch out world, I am hiding no more!!

The new Real World Austin...was good! Who doesn't love to watch other people fight? Crazy girl, who starts fights when she is drunk, a street brawl, bisexuality, alchohol...this ones got everything! Even a guy that got cracked in the eye so good its fractured, severly! OUCH!

I talked to work guy for an hour. We had a really nice conversation. I am just not at that place in my life right now. I have my crap together on the outside, but not inside! I am not open to love. It's still too soon for me. Good for those we don't speak of for hiding his feelings up with another girl. I choose to make my next relationship mean something, and not be a rebound. But we talked more about his situation, and he thanked me. I'm a good talker.

I also talked to Bubba for over an hour last night. After working 2 jobs and chatting all evening we still had lots to talk about. Trying to figure out what the hell we are meant to do with our lives! I told her everyone says you just 'know' when someone is 'the one'. I don't know if their all full of it or what, but in our case, we hate making decisions. So we're constantly second guessing every decision we make!
Why cant everyone be the same, and fit 1 mold, and we all are attracted to the same things, and you stay together for life? Why, huh? We decided I would marry Orlando Bloom (only because Edwin is already married) and I would change my name to his. I don't want to change my last name again either. I don't think its right you have to give up everything for a man. I could change my mind, but right now, thats where I am! I already changed it and changed it back once! Bubba is gonna marry Eminem, and I told her she had to name her first kid Jerry. Then he would be Jerry Mathers, and they could call him 'The Beaver'.
(like in leave it to beaver....."and Jerry Mathers, as....the Beaver")
I have my money straight. I have 2 jobs, soon I can sock away my second job pay, and live on my job #1 pay. I also think it's easier to hide from men when you work all the time! lol.
I am confident at work, making decisions, but when it comes to myself, not so much!

We also found that we shared a similar oddity. Sometimes we stare in the mirror at ourselves and feel removed. It was hard for us to put into words, but we both knew what we meant. To me, its like you reconnect with yourself, and its you, but you feel like you arent looking at you. To me, its like we are in a parallel universe with ourselves, and every now and again, you have to take that time to get in tune with yourself. Its weird. And, so are we.

She tried to convince me, to use my band camp story to pick up men. The story I always tell isn't something most guys would enjoy hearing....so here goes......
"This one time, at band camp, they made us march all day in the blazing sun. They wouldnt open the school so we could go inside to use the bathroom, or get a drink. I *ahem* used the toilet outside the school door, and was later reprimanded. You figure it out, because obviously there was evidence there"
I said, no way I am picking up guys by telling them I pooped outside, on a hot summer day!!!! LOL! Those were the days!!!! We had a good laugh over it. I decided I am going to peruse my old journals for band camp stories. Maybe I have a better one, that wont scare people off! Band was the shit!!

But we were just left with more questions. How do you know when someone is right. You invest all that time into a relationship, to find out it isnt working. Or, like in my case, you can totally think its working, and be on cloud 9, then, they slap you with the 'I don't see a future with you' card. (Oh, How I would love to smack him back but not with a card, okkkk?) I regret walking out of that house, without telling him off! I made it far too easy on him! It was hard for me to stay there, hard for me to see him, but too easy to walk away. I took the easy route out. I start regretting my decision, even though, I know I wasnt 'truley' happy. Mostly, it was because I couldn't let him in. Although, I also thought he loved me, and its a good thing I didn't open up to him more in the end.

How do you figure out what you want? How picky is too picky? How do you stop being hurt? How do you let someone in after being hurt so many times? Then, if you do find someone who has everything you think you want, the sex sucks!!!?? Once you have that type of connection, you can't compare it to anyone else! Everyone else sucks, and you just think back to the one you had that kind of connection with. At least, that is me and my friends' fate!!
This should be a lesson to all virgins (which, soon, I think I will be again) don't have sex before marriage!!! When you do, you spend your life thinking about how bad the one you are with is at sex, because you had it so much better in the past! When you wait, you think its fabulous, and you can be happy. It doesnt seem fair (as I am sure I have mentioned to death) that you can have that excitement, passion, and red hot sex on a platter with someone, and not be able to stand each other for long periods of time!!! I hate it when God's plan isn't my plan! WTF?

I mean, is this really what life is all about? I don't expect any 1 person to be perfect, but there are some things that I simply cannot do without! This is why I am still single! I dont know what the heck I want! Then, I've always said I didn't want kids. I'm even wondering if I really don't want them. Who else knows but me? NO ONE! lol!

Then we talked about the mind. I am learning that it is such a powerful thing. It really is the gateway to everything you want! (once you figure out what that is, good luck on that) I changed from being someone I didn't like. Into someone I do like. It was not easy, but it was all in my head, I had to make a conscious effort. I am now, what my ex husband wanted me to be 6 years ago. Funny how life does that to you huh? Not really! How I was 6 years ago, is what would've made those we dont speak of happy. Who I am now, makes ME happy. I know some man will appreciate it. I just need to find one who wants what I want, resembles orlando bloom (which unfortunatly my ex that i like to hook up with does) is well endowed, (yep, you guessed it, so was he) knows how to use it, (check, plus plus plus) cant keep his hands off me, (check plus plus plus) but knows what he is doing, (check plus plus plussss) has a decent job,(check minus) and his own place(check plus, but also, add, a live-in girlfriend and a baby on the way!!!!!!!!). What, am I asking for God to tear the moon out of the sky for me? NO!

yea, Suga is on the radio.....this is one I cant listen to, because its dirrrrrrrrty. lol! Men suck!
(sorry) Most men suck!!!

I think I am having an almost mid-life crisis. It's the latest craze. Go out and getchu some!

Today's Question (which since, its all about me I have forgotten for a while)

If you were to name the one posession that means the most to you, what would it be?

I have a rose from my dad's casket, it was purple, and I have it in a mug I had made for him, for Father's Day. Those two things mean the most to me at this point in my life. I handle them with the most care.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The unlisted number....

So. I gave work guy my digits last night. So we could talk. We only have little 5-10 min breaks at work to chat. Or email. And, he intrigues me. So he called. I dunno what it is, but when I got to work today and had an email from him it made me smile. There is something there, he really interests me. I am really private with my phone number, so to me it's a big step! I like being unlisted, lol.
I am also trying to go out with a younger guy. I think he is ummmm like 22? AHHHH!

Im not trying to be tied down with anyone. And, I hope that it doesnt end up biting me in the ass. I need to be a free bird. It could be my last chance, cus you know, prince charming is waiting for me patiently! Maybe I already met him? I think if I did I might show him the door.
I'm not one for being rescued, and I am not that into believing in love right now either!!

My little booser is doing better. He isnt being so mean and bossy. He let me cuddle and clip his nails sunday with no struggle. Poor little guy!

My party is this wknd. I am having a slumber party, with the girls. Should be lots of fun! Im making chocolate martinis, and were going to have girl talk, and watch movies, like in the olden days!! Its taking a lot of planning since I work a lot. I got little gift bags for each girl. Cus men don't have to be the only ones to buy us stuff!

Did a preliminary weigh in, I lost 3 lbs. Don't ask me how, it mustve been all that running to Dairy Mart on Saturday night, maybe we were running Tayray??? We both lost weight, after eating like pigs, and drinking! I attribute mine to my Carmen Electra DVD's. And, Budweiser Select. Cus, why not? It's my new drink. We will see what tomorrow brings! Im not complaining about losing weight. 2 more lbs and I'm down 20!! Amazing what you can do when you actually set your mind up not to fail!!!!

Monday, June 20, 2005

I hate it when I'm right...

I started the morning off good. I got 2 emails from work guy, hes fun to talk to and we chatted online. Then, I got an email from my friend, who saw those we dont speak of friday night. With his new girlfriend.

His girlfriend. He took her to a nice restaurant. A girlfriend. I am not even over him yet! How the heck can he just move on like that! I guess like all other men in my life, he too, is a dick! I knew this, and the prediction was made right here in my blog, that he was dating Trisha, and i dont care that I said her name! Cus I knew it would happen. Everything makes perfect sense now. They work together. All their little work outings. mmm hmmm. I'm not stupid! At least I can admit that I'm not ready for that right now. He is on the rebound, big time!!! Have fun with that! Why dont you learn to be on your own and take care of yourself? Oh, cus you are too use to being taken care of, thats why it didn't work out with us. F*** Off!

It was just 3 months last week! We lived together 3 years, together 4. I predicted he was dating this stupid chick, and more power to her. He is a terrible kisser, and an ever more lousy lay! I am just being honest here. I've never had anyone say that about me!

His girlfriend. All the times, Z would call me (ex) and i would make my friend go with me to see him so nothing happened. I resisted that temptation, which is a HUGE temptation, because of love. For that lousy miserable SOB! I gave up the good booty calls!!!

Why does life pick you up and then chew on ya, and spit you out? Thats what I get for thinking I was done talking about him. He is the biggest ass! He was also in MY neck of the woods with said girl, so let me run into them while im going out!

Ill say, oh, it didnt take you long did it? ohhhhh girlfight just came on the radio! Maybe I'll pound her one! lol! No, but I am really hurt over it. He is a big fat loser. I hate him. I hope he gets her pregnant, and they have twins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I broke up with those we dont speak of after 4 years, my rabbit died, I smashed into my friends car, and I got pulled over by the cops. Can my bad 2005 please be over already? When it rains it definatly pours! Makes me not want anything to do with men. I knew he'd move on. Its part of life, but so soon? I thought I meant more than that. I guess, as always, I was wrong!
I also thought, he was the only guy who didn't cheat on me.

So, you are welcome those we dont speak of, for making it easier for you to move on with trasha, er, trisha, who acted like my friend the whole time plotting to steal you away. She could've had you if she just asked. I would've gotten over you a lot sooner! And since I already had my ex husband get remarried, you can go ahead and do it too. For some reason I find men who are unavailable to me. This is why I am done with them for a while. I'm so tired of being hurt.
My friends, don't hurt me!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Ducks in a row

I forgot, that Friday is my SECOND time being pulled over for being drunk. The first time, was while I was walking! LOL! Last summer, a group of girlfriends went up to Put in Bay for a bachelorette party. We walked, what seemed like 5 miles to catch the ferry so we wouldnt be coming back in a car drunk. One of the girls had huge blisters by the time we got there.

They ship you off to the island on a ferry, during the day. Which is nice. You go bar hop, get liquered up. Then, if you want to party like a rock star, you have to catch the very last ferry off the island. Or your stuck there. Don't ask me what happens if you get stuck there.

But, everyone has the same idea, catch the last ferry. So you are scooted on like cattle, and there arent enough seats. So you are on the choppy lake, with a bunch of drunk people. Try getting your sea legs, when your drunk. Our idea was to hold on to the side of the boat for dear life. We became bumpers, literally, like ping pong. People would fall into you, boing, couldnt stop walking on the choppy waters, and would run into someone on the other side, back and forth. some throw up over the boat.

My girlfriend and I couldn't find the womens room, so we used the mens on the ferry. There was no TP so we improvised. Some men kept knocking on the door and opened it and announced to the world that there were 2 girls in the mens room! ha ha! Just trying to set the mood. There is about 100 drunks or more on the damn boat. And the wind takes your breath away.

But we were walking back to the trailer, like ducks in a row (that was bachelorette's moms advice to walk like ducks in a row so we did shake our tail feathers at times ) and sure as shit, a cop turned his lights on. I asked my friend are we getting pulled over? We were too close to the road. He wanted us to move or we'd get hit. Bachelorette said 'we were being responsible and walking' lol.
There are may flies all over the grass, so we had squished may flies on our feet. Those things are nasty, they have to squegee (sp?) them off windows up there! It is disgusting!

So, I technically have been pulled over twice for drinking and driving. Only this time, I was wrongly accused!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

My run in with the fine men in blue, of Canal Fulton...

Last night Me and Bubba came home after job 2 and changed, and I went back to Bubba's, she made us yummy dinner! Chicken,

baked potato, and corn on the cob. We didn't get to the bar until 11:30. We met work guy for Karaoke, was so fun!

Before I get into how the evening went, her's how it ended up. It's about a 45 trip for me to get home. I drove the back

roads,and had my brights on. Im at a stop sign, turning left, maybe 4 blocks from my house. There's a cop at the stop sign

across from me, turning right. He didn't turn, So I went left. I am at the light, and the cop decided to turn behind me and

abort his original plan of going the opposite way. I notice my brights are on. Fuck. It's 3am. I turn them off. I get to my

street, and they turn the lights on.

Busted!

I turned on my road, and I'm about 200 feet from my apartment driveway. He asked me the usual, "do you know why I pulled

you over.?" I said yes, I had my brights on. He claimed he wanted to be sure I was ok. He then asked where I came from, I

told him, so he asked if I had anything to drink? "yes, I had 3 beers."

I offered him my change of address form from the BMV, since I'd just moved. He didn't want that. He ran my info and came

back and asked me to get out of the car to take a few tests. Tests? I didn't study! He asked if i recently moved. Yes. I

thought that was why I offered him my change of address card, but, whatever.

"Have you done this before?" he asked as I got out of the car. "No", I said.
(I wanted to say I had seen it on an episode of cops, but kept my smart mouth shut!)

He must've been new, cus another cop was there to tell him how to test me. They did the pen light test. I was shaking. I

followed it forever, it wasn't like on TV (you know, my alternate universe) I thought to myself, this is taking too long,

they think I'm drunk! He did it over, and over and over! Alright already!

When it was finally over, the other cop said "good". The encouragement boosted my confidence. Then he made me stand on one

foot, stare at my raised foot, and count one one thousand....until he said stop. I did it, all the way to 30! That is a

long time! When you are afraid to skip numbers! one thousand 25....one thousand 26....its a lot to remember! When I

finished, the other cop said ok now, do it to 900. (cop humor)

He said "I'm sorry about all this, it's not often we pull someone over we think is drunk and their not, this never happens"
I said "ohhhh, thats ok!"
(its ok to lie to a cop only in this context)

Then, they made me walk toe, to heel, 9 times,not 8, or 10.Then tiny steps in a circle, and again the other way! I mastered

this one! (call me a band fag, but all those long hot days in band camp paid off!!)

The other Cop said "we had you do the tests because there was a strong odor in your car, can we look inside for beer

bottles?" I said "sure, go right ahead" Apparently they felt stupid for harassing me, and now wanted to bust me for open

container. The first cop said "yea we're sorry, maybe someone spilled something on you" Or maybe your an asshole.
When I was done, he said he was sorry again, you can go, no ticket. We'll make sure you get home safe. I said thank you. I

could've walked home in 60 seconds.

Then in an effort to befriend me, he asked me what my liscense plate meant. I said it was my dad's navy ship name, and He

had it before he died. They thought it was neat. They said be careful and we're sorry again, I said thats OK. I didn't feel

like it was OK. I was innocent.

So, they actually followed me home, and watched me get out of my car and go inside. I called momma at 3am, to tell her, but

she wouldnt let me finish, she kept saying, "did you get a DUI? Did the cop ask you out?" Did he ask me out?
Yea, mom....I called you at 3am cus a cop randomly stopped me in the middle of the night, cus Im so hot, he had to have me

right then and there.

And.....the less interesting beginning of the night...

I met Bubba's current interest. He seemed nervous. When we get together, I know we can be a little crazy, and loud, and

maybe we scared him! lol! Sometimes we scare ourselves. We are like peas and carrots, so maybe he felt like the summer

squash or something? Will need to meet again, on better turf.

Work guy was a lot of fun. We had a lot of laughs. He did karaoke, and he was good. He's really personable, which is nice,

because I am too, but I usually have to warm up to people, so he makes that a lot easier. He asked if we could go out

sometime, and I'm not ready for a relationship, (I only stopped talking about those we dont speak of what, 2 days ago???)

so I said sure we go out all the time. He said not as a group, you. I said Sure, I go out all the time! I mean, I was

having fun, but I dont want to get into something right now. I have to concentrate on work! And do a little thing like get

over the last guy you dated. Its the thing to do! He told Bubba he was attracted to me. I gave him my email address. I

tried to talk to him about his girlfriend, and act optomistic. Hes sorta in the same situation I was in, it has to be done,

the break up.....but its scarey to be the one to leave.
This, I know! Been there! I said its not bad after a while, and if you have friends to go out with, its fun! At least, we

have fun....?
So, hes not ready for something either! I am trying not to let my hormones get the best of me, 6 months is a long time. And

we broke up in MARCH! (ok?) I am not ready for a relationship. period. end of discussion. I got an email from him this

morning, so I responded.

So, in closing. I would like to thank Mr. Mitzel, my band teacher. Who made us run our drills, over, and over again until

we all got blisters and calluses. He taught me to walk steady, without faltering, and holding that big plume up in strong

winds as well. All while playing music. We band folks, got it goin on ok? I'd also like to thank Anheuser Busch, maker of

Budweiser Select, which has only 4.1% alchohol. And, my guardian angel who has been working overtime on me these past few

months!!!!!!!

I am so getting trashed tonight since I wont be drinking for a while in public! (we have a Limo, its all good)

Friday, June 17, 2005

Sometimes I amaze myself...

I finally got the links to come up for posting other people's blogs. Now maybe if I had a computer at home I could've done that by now, but we won't go there, because I'm not talking about him anymore! It isn't the same as html coding, slightly different to me, but then I'm not a professional coder either. I am muddling through learning the in's and out's by trial and error, and my trusty html book.

Oh yea, did I mention I am the webmaster for my company's 4 websites? Scarey, huh? LOL !
These are desperate times man, desperate times!

Thursday night at the Beir Haus....

Have I mentioned lately, that I am tired? Scratch that, I'm the walking dead! Im having trouble getting around w/o running into things, and its really not a hangover! Its called no sleep! And none in my near future.

Last night at work, work guy asked bubba if we wanted to go out tonight. And Bubba said yes... She said I had a date. I said, it is not a date. We are going OUT! He has a GIRLFRIEND. I am fragile!
He's nice though, easy to talk to! And we seem to have lots in common. We're gonna go out and have fun, but thats it! We're going to Karaoke, in Kent, which is about 45 minutes from my house......

I went to the Beir Haus to meet my friend/neighbor Tayray and her man for her bday. I went right from work, and didnt get home til almost 12. I'm not the party animal I once was, I dunno what I am thinking! Ladies night, my beer was a buck! We had a couple shots - Tayrays man is doing the shots thing, to get a jacket. I had a lollipop and a starburst, which tasted like a lollipop. But, it was a hoot for sure! It's just a local bar, not a big club, it was karaoke night. I did not grace the stage with my vocal stylings this time. Turned out there was some people there that Tayrays man knew, from work. They were drunk, and a lot of entertainment!
'Red shirt lady' sang 'walk this way' by Aerosmith/Run DMC with a guy, she kicked off her sandals, while making moose antler's out of her hands, and shaking that booty!!! I don't know what that was all about, but maybe its a new dance, I don't watch much MTV you know...
She walked around the bar with her slippery dick as she called it, which was a lighter, that when pressed, a penis popped out of it. I saw Tayray break the slippery penis. Slippery penis almost went down my shirt! DIRTY! It popped out of the case. When red shirt found out it broke, she was upset, she thought she broke it herself, but soon showed me that it still worked. YAY.

Next thing I know, red shirts man has a black bra. Funny. Then he put on the black bra. These people were older than me, in their 40s maybe? Tay Rays man provided the stuffing for the bra, and he walked around the bar in a white dress shirt, and tie, and a black stuffed bra. Red shirt chased one of the guys singing, and smacked his ass. It was hard to tell whose black bra it was but it was funny nonetheless! I so need a camera phone. He even posed for pictures. He works at a car dealership, betcha could get a good deal with blackmail!

Tayrays man got the mic and made everyone sing happy bday to her, she was so embaressed, it was funny!!!

My last observation of the evening, was the foos ball table. When the guys in a row are turned feet up, they all look like penises! But, I did almost have a slippery penis in my shirt! Musta had them on the brain!

Went to bed at 1, after sneaking in a cuddle with each animal ( I feel so guilty!!!) Going out tonight, getting up early tomorrow, going out tomorrow, getting up early sunday. Monday, is gonna realy blow the big one!!

Footnote: I would like to declare, that I am not the one who smells at work. Bubba asked me not long ago if I was passing gas, because it smelled. No, she asked if my shoes were off, no. I started to get a complex. Then I sat by crazy cane man at work, its him. He poo's himself I think. He seriously lets em rip, and laughs to himself about it. They are rank! I have a bad sense of smell, so its BAD if i smell it! Yesterday another girl had to sit by him and she announced "If I smell farts, I'm moving".

So it wasnt me!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Overworked, Underpaid....

It is one day closer to the wknd. That is something to be happy about this rainy dreary morning. My bones hurt. Im exhausted. Yet, I keep trucking on. I have had a really hard time lately at work, concentrating, and staying on task. Life does that to you some times. I do a large chunk of work for what we call 'brokered products' stuff we sell from other people to our customers. I took on the pricing for all 70 vendors, which turned into about 1/2 of my job. I was training a new girl in the mail room to do it, falling behind, furrrrther and further. I have a full plate, without having another 1/2 a job to do. I like to be busy and feel rushed I dont know why, thats how I operate. I have a problem with folks, who do not work, and cant keep up with their jobs. I have a strong work ethic, I had to work for everything that I have, nothing was ever given to me. Im not a complainer, nor a brown noser. I do my job, I dont cry about it. Im thankful to have one!

So, Im talking to my boss about how behind I have gotten on that part of my job, I said new girl is busy, Im busy, theres no time to train her, and I dont know how she can keep up with it when she is busy, annnnd new! So in true office fashion, another mgr comes to me and asks me to keep up with them, were going in a different direction he said. The direction, leaves me with all the work! He asked if I'd like to work overtime to get caught up. Normally I work a lot of overtime for his dept, because they always offer. I said sure, I work 2 jobs m-f but I can come in on the wknd. What?

I think i had a temporary brain lapse!!! I love work man, I love it! I must, because Im always doing it!!!!! Is the word NO in my vocabulary? sure it is! Do I use it often? NO! So now, ill be working 7 days a week. I might have a breakdown, it is starting to get to me! I have to go to the vet saterday (dog, shes there all the time) find something to wear for our big night out, and now come in to work. Im bringing my dog to work. I have a door on my office. Im not going all the way home, the vets out here. And, come in to work Sunday with a hangover. Im so damn excited! Money will be nice! Provided I ever get to a point where I can save some!!!!

So at job #2 last night, got to talking to this guy about dating, and how it sucks trying to find someone these days, when you have no time, and dont want to meet someone in a bar. He said he was looking my profile up at yahoo. I dont have a picture up though so he wont be able to find me. He and his g/f are breaking up, he said its mutual, they dont hate each other. I said, you could say mine was too but that doesnt mean i dont hate him. (score one for me! )
He is the 3rd person in 2 weeks to tell me and bubba (who i will now call my best friend like forrest gump, bubba was his best good friend) that we look 21/22......I said to her last night, well, no matter what happens in our lives, at least we still got it! ha ha ha! It is nice to hear, 30 scares me really bad!!

*I'm going to try my darndest not to talk about those we dont speak of after today. I am trying to close that chapter of my life! He watched me pack up after 4 years and never said a word to me. He let our 4 year anniversary pass without another thought. And, most importantly, asked me to move in with him, with no intention of marrying me. He lied. Not the end of the world, because I know, someone will come into my life that I just cant live without! I want the closeness I had with my ex husband, and I didnt have that with those we dont speak of. So, maybe like the movie, I take off his costume, and reveal that he is just an elder, trying to scare me into staying at this point in my life. And I am moving on!

*(of course, should I have a random encounter with him, I will mention him again! lol)

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I know the suspense is killing you..

I LOST THAT PESKY POUND!!! I was hoping maybe for an extra pound for good measure, but I stayed the same. Thank God though, no setbacks. No more pizza pan for me! I had a moment of weakness. I resisted the donuts, but not pizza pan! argh!!!!

This should be a lesson to us all...when faced with drinking alchohol, or eating italian, pick the alchohol. I lost more weight having gone out drinking 2 nights, than having 1 bad meal! And pop! and that stupid pbutter twix!! Of course, it was my new fave, budweiser select, but alchohol nonetheless! Its also only 4.1% alchohol, which i spose is good when you have to drive home at the end of the night. And a mere 99 calories.

I cant wait to have my chicken salad for lunch. Its been forever since I actually ' ate' protien, and didn't drink it. mmmmmmmmmm....chickennnnnnnnn.

Ok I read that last bit and realized it could be taken the wrong way, I am in fact, very single, and theres been none of THAT going on! Besides, on my diet, thats too many calories!! LOL!!!!

Trash Talk

I am not sure I'm awake this fine Wednesday. I say fine, because I woke up not sweating. It stopped being 95 and humid. HOO RA! I'm not sure the temp but there was a cool breeze. NICE. I cannot tolerate the heat, and its a great reason to complain for me.

I am so tired, that I was spacing out at job #2 last night. I was sure I was falling asleep, only I made around the same amount of money as usual so I mustve been coherent enough to type. I'd catch myself nodding off. I spent a long time making fun of people who did that at work.
There was a time (before working more) that I had to be in bed at 10 to function. I changed that to midnight over a few weeks, now that seems normal. Sunday, I was up all night of course, upset, and same with Monday, and Tuesday, well I had to work out like a mofo and try to lose the pound I gained. As soon as I weigh in, I am so getting a carmel mixed with vanilla cafe latte. Yea, its about a meals worth of calories, but, I havnt had my breakfast, and I'm tired. I'll get over it!!! I need a pick me up!

Some yahoo at my apt building (theres only 4 apartments, or townhouses, whichever) keeps using MY trash can! I am the only one there, living alone. I am the only one there living without a MAN to take my trash down, the long, steeeep hill to the curb! It is in fact hard to do because the trash is heavy and sometimes it builds momentum and tries to knock me down on the way!
I keep it in my garage, but trash comes Monday. Monday night when I get home, someone sticks their trash in my can! I pay for trash I don't know about the rest of them, but I pay for it, thats why I have the big old trash can! It just peeves me cus i have to cart their freaking trash up the hill and keep it in my garage til next week!!! GROSS! It stinks! I asked my friend if it was them, she said no.

So, gross as it sounds, i opened up their stupid trash, and it is the people next to my friend. They ordered pizza, and had it delivered, and their address was right there on the Dominos box. I have 4 cats worth of kitty litter, and bunny bedding in there all week, and it doesn't stink like their trash, must be the stank BABY diapers! NICE!
Kindly, get your own freaking trash can!!!! Or stick your own trash on the curb, and not in my empty trash can! for Petes sake!

The girl at the office who delivers our mail, just came. She is wearing a shirt I just recently bought at Old Navy, and wore last week. I RARELY, and by rarely, i mean not even once, or every two months, buy clothes. I wear my 1 pair of jeans til they rip, and buy a new pair. I'm just not into dressing a body I dont like maybe. So, now I cant wear it. I hate when people have your same clothes. There is roughly 70 people in our office, we're small. Oh wait, that was before they fired/layed off a bunch of people. Thats another day's story.

Some punk from the band Lifehouse (no, thats NOT Edwin McCain singing!!!! couple peeps said that but Edwin wouldnt do this) said that Cleveland SUCKS! They keep playing it on the radio, over, and over. The guy said he likes to come here to see the Cav's play (gay!) "which is weird because Cleveland sucks" Yea, whatever. The heart of rock n roll is still beatin', in Cleveland, and Huey Lewis said so! So, their launching a hate mail campaign for the band lol! Im sure, they care. While their rolling in the dough!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Poop Bomb & TV

Firstly, everything goes with TV ok?

Consulting my friend today on my gaining one pound, we are both in the weight loss challenge.
She told me she knew how I could drop a pound by tomorrow, and I said, how, Pooping????
Of course, i said the 'pooping' while walking past the open office door of a bunch of computer consultants. Sometimes, I should watch my mouth. We had a good laugh.

I wanted to mention the new show 30 days starts tonight on FX. The guy doing it, is the guy that did Supersize me, which was an oddly interesting movie. He has a website. The first show, he lives with his fiance for 30 days on minimum wage. Hopefully, this opens some eyes. I believe those making minimum wage work way harder than, say, me, who is posting this while working. When I made minimum wage, I had no time for slacking. TIME TO LEAN TIME TO CLEAN that was our Taco Bell motto!!!

Goodbye Britney and Kevin. How can I go on without watching your chaotic lives? Maybe you will film the birth of your child, and show how much fun it is to be parents, and superstars, er, celebrities, actually!

I cannot wait until some new seasons start. Tivo is getting bored, with nothing to record for me. If I'm not careful, it will start to slack, and one day, my Tivo might have a blog of its own, and reveal all the things I ask it to record, which, arent always something I care to share....
If...yaknowhatimean!!! As if it isn't addicting enough, I read in my book, that you can disconnect your Tivo and take it places, and watch what you have recorded. I should have never read the book. Thats all I have to say!

A New Day....counting my blessings...

Today I am thinking positivly!
Positivly positive! I LOVE my life!!!!! My momma taught me to be thankful for what I have. And counting my blessings, does me good. My life isnt horrible. I have a great mom that I can tell anything to, and laugh with, and she cracks me up. I have a sister, who is always thoughtful of me, and how I feel, and what I am going through. I have a brother, who cares about me, and I can do things with. I have a great group of girlfriends, who are always there for me, and know how to pick me up when I am down. I am healthy. I have all my limbs, and organs working properly. I have a good job, that I love, and a good second job, that I tolerate. Some people, can't find 1 job. I have a nice car, that I love, and some people dont even have 'a' car. I have a roof over my head, that I can afford on my own, even working 1 job. I have clothes, while their not brand new, I am clothed, and not embaressed. I have food in my house, I am not starving. I have many pets, and am able to care for financially, and emotionally, whom I love dearly, and love me unconditionally. Try it, you might not think your life is so bad when you do.

Today is easier than yesterday. While I feel hung over, from being upset. I will survive! Boo's is sad, upset, and angry. Yes, he's a bunny and he has feelings too! I was afraid I would find him dead when I got home. I showered him with kisses. He had eaten, not much, but noticeable. he had some water too, and ate in my presence. He also was happy for a raisen, good sign.
He hopped around and sniffed all the places Bitsy had chin marked when she would be out to play. He looked like he was chasing his tail, because she was always behind him, and he was looking for her. He jumped on my dogs head and growled. Understandable. Little Hill can't seem to understand he is depressed, but she knows he is mad now! She's fine, but it scared her. My neighbor/friend and I buried little Bitsy in the yard, under a pine tree, after work, at 10pm. I hate the thought of it, but she isn't in there anymore, and I know it. I put some rose petals over her grave, and covered it with my fireplace so no one will walk on her little body. Rest in peace Bitsy.

I have decided that my past life was too easy. The world according to me is, I believe that we choose our own destiny. That this place is a learning, or training experience. I feel like home is truely on the 'other side' and this isn't really my life. I really believe this, no one else I know does, but I don't know anyone else who has tried to tell me the meaning of life either, so there!
Thats my lesson on why we are here.
So I know my last life was easy and I decided to make this one an obstacle course. Not just the things recently, but my whole life, I have been through, a lot. More than anyone that I personally know. And its not fun to be the one with all the issues. Because, just like I never listened when people told me something wasn't right, no one listens to me either. You have to make your own mistakes. So, what's the point of going through it all? To learn. This is where the term 'old soul' comes from. In my next life, I think I will be considered an old soul. I would much rather come back as a pampered cat, hopefully I remember this when its time. LOL!
I keep trying to find my purpose, to make it all worth it, but it must just take time.
I had always considered myself weak, because others made me feel that way. I longed to be a strong person. Today, I am a strong person. I am proud of who I am, so to say that I regret my past is pointless. Be careful what you wish for, the road to get there, isn't always easy.

Oprah, as you know, is my hero! She cracks me up, she's successful, and she gives good advice. I watched a show yesterday about abuse. About how smart, successful women, can become victims of abuse. All it takes is for someone who loves you, to make you feel unloveable. They tear you down because they feel like shit. It can happen to anyone. You do forget the pain, but its the shame that stays with you forever. And I believe that to be true. She told a story about how she was emotionally abused, and followed that with a ...."and where is he now???" The best revenge is success. I keep this in my head a lot, when I struggle with work, and exercise. They talked a lot about how to fix yourself after you are in an abusive relationship. One couple, was going to counseling. They asked how she would feel when he changed and didnt abuse her anymore. The therapist said, she will likely feel lost, and try to get him to fight with her and get things how she is use to them, what seems 'normal' which is, abuse.

This was my AHA moment, as Oprah would say. That is what my whole issue was with those we dont speak of. I didn't know how to act in a 'normal' relationship, this I knew, thats why I went to counseling. No fighting, is nice. But it was certainly not normal to me. 7 years with my ex husband, and 3 with another guy, who, I was just as abusive back with.....was normal. It's what I knew! What didn't help is that those we dont speak of, didnt understand, and expected me to erase my past like magic. I saw that as a warning, and started to pull away and push him at the same time. I don't regret it at all because he wasn't there for me emotionally. Someone else will be. I have faith in that, I am a good person. I knew, that if I was patient, I would realize why I went through that relationship, and find the meaning. It always does come, if you listen.

Enough with the depressing stuff! I am happy to say that this wknd we are all going out for my friend/neighbors bday. We are getting a limo and going to Cleveland, drinking. Here in my neck of the woods, thats the 'cool' thing to do. Cleveland rocks, theres nothing wrong with Ohio, this town, is my town....(no one outside ohio will likely know any of those lol) Last time we went, it was dead. It was also a week night. Lots of clubs, bars. I cant wait to cut loose and have some laughs! For my one friends 21 bday (many moons ago) I got so sick in the limo, and everyone video taped me, and took pictures. You know what pay back is? My mom had to come get me, and take care of me. My own husband (thats why he is an EX) didn't care to deal with me!!!

Although, my horoscope for this Saturday:

Take it slow. If you're weirdly introverted right now, don't fight the feeling.
Overview: If you want to be alone, it's only because there's more than enough going on in your own brain, heart and imagination to occupy you. External stimulation would be overkill at the moment.

So, I really hope that I don't get depressed while I am out. I always did the limo thing with those we don't speak of and his friends. So, it will be a little sad I suppose, but I have been through much worse, and I will have my girlfriends to keep me laughing. Something I am very thankful for, especially yesterday! If I didn't have them, with my mom and sister living so far away, I would be totally lost.

This past wknd was the Irish festival down on the river. There are festivals and bands all summer for free. It's nice. Always did that with those we dont speak of too. I didn't even get invited by our "mutual" friend because he would probably be there. As if, I can only go if I go with them? I understand why she did it, I am not mad at all, just the next one that comes around, which is the Italian festival, I'm going with my own group of friends. Sure, if I see him, or his parents, or friends, I'll likely puke, but they wont know that, and they will know that I am not putting my life on hold for anybody! I hope I don't have an anxiety attack over it.

I weighed myself for the pre-weigh in weigh in tomorrow. I gained 1lb. Not bad all things considered, such as I had pizza pan this wknd, which is NOT on my diet, and yesterday I had a pbutter twix and a sprite. Comfort food, because food is my crutch. Only, it made me feel crappy. One thing about changing your eating, you can tell what 'bad' food does to you. I felt like crap after eating it. I was lazy, sluggish, and unmotivated. Let this be a lesson to me! Tonight I have to double my workout to lose the pound or I have to pay a dollar. Ho hum, you live and learn! 1lb isnt a death sentence at all. Tomorrow is another day!

This week rules, because I get paid from both jobs this week!!!!!! MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!

Today's Question:

If you could have prevented any single fashion trend from happening what would it be?

hmmmm... the 80's? lol! One thing, is hard to pinpoint, but I'm gonna go ahead and say bananna clips, because some people dont realize that they were just a fashion trend, and continue to wear them to this day.

Monday, June 13, 2005

In Memorium, My little Bitsy Booligans...

Sadly, I had a casualty to my critter crew last night. My netherland dwarf bunny, Bitsy died suddenly. To most people, she was just a rabbit, but to me, she was part of the family. I love all my animals more than most people, I am, above all else, an animal lover. This is the second relationship of mine that has been followed by the death of one of my pets. It is not fair, but what is.


They were to the vet not long ago, Bitsy, and her 'husbun' Boos, and received a clean bill of health. She was just quiet this wknd. Fri and Sat she was out playing and running with Boos. Yesterday, she was lazy and didn't come out. I have their frozen bottles, and fans, for the heat. Saterday, she pulled some fur from her side. I thought she might be going through a false pregnancy, since she is spayed and Boos is neutered. It didnt look like a bite or anything, just like she pulled out her fur.


I picked her up and was holding and kissing her, and she gave me some bunny kisses, which she hadnt given me since she was a baby. I made up her little cage, to bring her to work today and take her to the vet, and put her in my room with the a/c on.
She let me pet and kiss her, which was unusual for high strung Bitsy!



I had her on my bed, I was laying with her, and kissing her, and stroking her trying to ease her, around midnight, she got up from my arms, and acted like she had to throw up, i was crying, because I know bunnies don't throw up, and I knew it was bad. I held her, and cried, and selfishly asked her to please hold on until she could get to the vet, and she just passed. I have no clue why, or how, but my baby died. I was hysterical of course, and still am really upset over it. My pets are my children.



What makes it all even worse, is that her husbun is all alone now. Bunnies form strong bonds with their mates, and he is acting mean to me. He wont let me near their condo. I work 14 hours a day so I know he needs another mate, but I don't have the time it takes to bond bunnies while working so much, and not knowing why Bitsy died, makes it scarey to bring in another bunny. So, theres the guilt on top of the grief. It really stinks because I'm home all alone, but those we don't speak of hated my animals because they took attention away from him. (I actually have this in writing) He was selfish and wouldn't have cared anyways! Most people can appreciate a persons love, and compassion for other's, even if they are furry. Not him.








Bitsy, would have been 1 this Thursday, 6/16/05, she was just a baby! The cats loved her like a cat, and she loved them like bunnies.





Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.






When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.



All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.



They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.




You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....



Goodbye my little Bitsy Booble,I will see you at the bridge!!!




You can see more of Bitsy, Boo's and my other furkids at their webpage

In honor of Bitsy Nibblenose, share your story of a pet you loved and lost, or one you just love to peices!!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Boobie Prize

It's employee appreciation week at work. We have contests, and games, and tomorrow is our lunch cookout, and we get served by our managers.
I won the contest today, and went to claim my prize. I love winning things, I'm quite competitive!! What did I win?

I got a mag light from one of our partners, with their name on it.

I dont mean to sound ungrateful, Ok, so I work in the marketing department, I know the stuff they are giving away, is crap we give away free at trade shows, and this is left over stuff.
And I already have the stuff, because, um, I work in the marketing dept.

These are hard times on us all........but free stuff dressed up as prizes? You can't fool me!

I only hope tomorrow's lunch is not recycled also!

Devastation....is there a bigger word?

Up down, Up down, lifes full of them!!! So, the latest is this, where I live there are 3 major 'mall areas' where theres a mall, and theres shopping/restaurants all around. Their all spread out about 20 min or so. Those we don't speak of, was working out in one area. So, I have been totally avoiding it. Because if I went that way, I would survey parking lots before entering any store for fear of seeing him. *(yes i said FEAR, and yes it terrifies me, i have issues)*

He manages a stupid cell phone store, and acts like a king who was better than me because of it. Ummm, I was the mgr of Taco Bell for about a month in the ghetto, I should get an award! (this after the 3 years I served already) I closed too, late nights! But, you know, he's so much better....but anyhow, I want to get a picture phone. So I was going to go to the chain he works at, only by my house. One, because I dont want to see him, and two, because I dont want him to get credit for my purchase. I asked our mutual friend if she knew who managed the store by me, so I could go there. Turns out, its THOSE WE DONT SPEAK OF. (cue loud music)

Now, my safe little bubble is burst!!! I have been shopping in my new town, not worrying about a thing. I have been going out in my new town, not worrying about seeing him.
THIS MEANS LAST SUNDAY I WENT OUT IN MY JUNKY CLOTHES AND A PONY TAIL GET IT???????? Thinking there is no reason he'd ever be out that way! Im bound to see him. I walk my dog in my neighborhood. Sometimes after work, late at night. I want to throw up. I have so much pent up frustration and anger towards him it is hard telling what I would do!!! I should have known it was a bad omen that there is a street with his name about 4 streets from mine!!!!!!!!

I know it must sound stupid, trust me, but I am really upset that he is out in my town!!! I gave up all the hangouts we had, places we went together, and traded them in for this side of town!! Now he's on MY turf! It's a small little town, and next door, is the monster, a.k.a. those we dont speak of!!!! And, I am also fairly sure, that the store he is at, is where the girl I believe him to be dating works. If I am right about that, I will give out free readings and consultations. Because, this is strictly gut instinct, no one has said a word to me about him at all, about anything!
So, how adorable that they work together. Good thing, because that is all he does lives and breathes his work. I work a lot, but I also have a life!

No doubt, that I need to get past this, so I can move on, and find someone else in my life!!
No way I will meet someone with all this pent up anger towards him! Maybe instead of strip aerobics I should take up boxing, the real deal, powwwwwwww powwwwwwwwww!!!!!

On a happy note, at my second job, I get to waive my insurance benefits, and should receive $400 bucks! I don't know when I'm getting it, just that I cant wait! This in addition to the bonus I will be getting, is not tooooooo shabby for a part time job!!!! Now, I can afford things. And I can pay my friend $ for smashing her car up. Who knows when I'll ever get mine fixed. I have to also get my a/c serviced, the belt is squeaking, and brakes. So its in the 90s and I can't run my a/c!

And, just for shits and giggles, today's question is my own!

Has someone ever hurt you so much, that you have gone out of your way to beome a nut job, like me?!!!!

My answer is yes! lol! I have been through rough break ups, and a divorce. Now, clearly, my divorce from my high school sweetheart was the hardest. But at least with him, i KNEW things were bad, it was obvious we had problems. I stuck it out because we were married.
With those we dont speak of, I thought we were perfectly happy! We didnt fight, argue, or nitpick. We had 3, maybe 4 fights in our 4 years together. He liked spending time with me (so I thought) we had similar interests, so I cant express enough how this came out of nowhere!!
This is unusual for me, fighting was an every day occurance. I also got kicked out once a week in my last relationship. I thought he was THE ONEEEEEEE! I am really proud of myself for getting the hell out of there, but I'm to the point where I am second guessing myself.

This is why communication is key! I am really having a hard time thinking of dating someone else, and trusting them. I had serious trust issues in the past, and I felt I got over it with him, and now, he tore my heart out and jumped on it, and theeeen said see ya!!!!

This is the 4th guy I have lived with. The 6th guy I thought I loved. When the hell is my time going to come? When? I have been asking God to guide me! Thats all I can do!!!!! I feel I am about due to find someone to be my forever, my everything, my ONE!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The Donut King

We have a vendor at work, who does all our print jobs for us. He is the greatest guy ever, his company does a lot for ours. So when he comes to pick up or drop off our jobs, in the mornings, he brings donuts.

Not just any donuts mind you, he brings KRISPY KREMES!!!! If you have never been fortunate enough to partake in a krispy kreme, you are not living life to the fullest. Now, we have 4 people in Marketing, and he brings us 3 dozen! that is almost a dozen each! Not that we eat that many, we share. I love, the chocolate cake glazed, or chocolate chocolate. The donut king brings our donuts hot off the presses, fresh, and warm! As if krispy kremes werent good enough, warm? um, now were talkin!!!!!!!!!!

So, in honor of losing 4lbs today I vow not to partake in the donuts. Donuts are gross. Donuts surely have yeast in them, and thats gross. Its alive.
I don't think its working, but I'm trying to gross myself out of the donuts.

Im going to have my lunch early. MMMMMM green beans and broccoli!!!! NOTHING LIKE IT!!!!

The Great Weight Debate...

Well....It's weigh in day at work today! The results? I lost 4lbs the past week! I even went out drinking this wknd!

All together that makes 15lbs. But I did technically lose 15lbs, the break up way. Meaning, I was too upset, sick to my stomach, nauseus, depressed, you name it, to eat for weeks, and when I did manage to eat something, I just crapped it right back out. Sure don't miss that!! It was a rough month for sure!
So, only 10lbs of that stayed off once I started to hold food in/down again. And I've lost 5 just recently.

I have been doing good with my stripper/dance dvds! lol! their a good workout you just have to keep repeating the routines until you cant do anymore. I have also been doing the stairs at home, up and down for 1, and i do it 10 times, twice in between the videos.
I also picked up the weights again. I started where I left off months ago, at 8lb weights. I got out my body sculpting bible and everything. And, gotta love those crunchessss! I havn't gotten on the treadmill, because I'm bored with walking and staring at the wall. I need a new tv so I can put one in the spare room. Working out with Carmen Electra is fun, shes hott! No, I'm not gay, I am secure in my womanhood!!! She's a good inspiration, to me she has a perfect body. Not too thin, curvy, and she has a butt.

I just don't feel the way I look! Like I'm trapped in this body! I gotta get healthy! Once I accomplish this, its on to quitting smoking....that is the plan! I'll be unstoppable!

And the first week changing my eating habits was hard. But, like any addiction, you get past the physical need and your on your way!!!
I am, sadly, a food addict! Which to me, is worse than a crack addict, or any other drug, cus you have to eat to live, you dont have to do crack to survive, you might feel that way, but really, you dont!!!! Not that I am belitteling drug addiction at all.

So, I'm managing it well. Telling myself when I'm not hungry, is the hardest. I want to eat out of habit, not hunger, so I say 'self, you are not hungry!'

Herbal tea helps, no calories, but I sweeten it with honey and thats just a few calories. And it fills you up. Mainly, thats what I do when I get home from work late at night. Cus, my biggest downfall ( i have many) was eating late at night after work.
Now, I work out, and have my herbal tea, and then a fudgsicle. Sugar free!

I also think subconsciously...I'm hiding under fat. So no one will look at me. Someone on Oprah (hail Oprah) said that, and it hit home. Having guys interested in you means you have to make decisions on who YOU like....and now, I kinda like hiding from them! It seemed so much easier to meet guys last time I was single...I was younger and more outgoing. Sniff Sniff. Although, this wknd, 2 people said they thought I was 21 or 22! Yay me!



The new season of Blowout started last night. Oh, how I love that show!! The drama! The hair! The fighting! lol! It looks like its gonna be a good season too! The cast even has their own blogs!
Yes, I also watched Britney's show again. I actually say out loud to myself that I cant believe I'm watching it! But, you can't blame a TV addict!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Playing Catch Up!

Back to work. I was greeted by my coworker, with a list of things they needed me for and I wasnt here to do. I said sheesh, I was off for 3 days, not even a week! I also came in here last Thurs. to update our website, and no one thought it was done, I guess that was a big catastrophe. If anyone bothered to check online, I date our page for all to see when it is updated, and the page in fact, was updated Thursday. Um, on my day off. Kthx.

On my time off, I did get a lot of unpacking done. I also managed to smash my car up. The worst part is, it was into my friends car!!!! I feel absolutely horrible about it! I didnt think my car was messed up at first, but it sure is! The bumper is cracked, it was popped up on the side but i fixed that. the paint will come off the whole side (its plastic).

Went to Karaoke last Friday. I sang 'What it feels like for a girl' not a great choice, but a good song! Nothing worse than bombing, and not knowing if you should keep going. Needless to say I just drank more and I didn't care.

I sang with my friend, I hate myself for loving you. End of the night, when they brought the bar bill, found out that I had paid $4 for bottles of bud select....ummmmm that is highway robbery, and I dont think I'll be drinking at On Tap anymore! We stopped at the restaurant after the bar to eat, my brother made us some food, it was goooood! I got to bed at 5am that night. I still got it!!!

Saturday we went on the towpath trail by home. Me and the girls. My dog pooped out and I had to carry her for a while. She got into the canal to cool off. It was about 90 and steaming freaking hot! She hasnt been right ever since! Shes hot and lazy! Went to dinner, and to Sadie Renee's at night. There was about 20 people in the bar, all but a few were with the band. The band was good too! They played Evanesence, and Bon Jovi, etc...they were good.

Sunday, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. Boy, the movie was pretty depressing!! It was so sad to see that he did it all for love. SEE WHAT IT DOES TO YOU???? I Think that I might get me a black super suit to hide my identity, and ruin everyones lives that hurt me too!!! I can be Darth Terminator.....I'm starting with those we dont speak of! I had to keep telling myself that Obi Wan didn't die, because he's in the end movies....but still!!!

We went to eat at Applebee's. And we had a storm. Storms also remind me of the ass, because he was all into the weather, and I dont like storms, they scare me. I guess it was only a matter of time til it all caught up with me. I'm running out of things to keep me busy with unpacking? Who knows, but I know that I dont like it! I keep telling myself, if we were meant to be together, he would've asked me not to go, and that never once happened, so I'm better off! I am at the stage, where I'm second guessing my decision to leave. Only 3 months later! So I was upset over the ass all night! Cried! I read my old journals, and realized, that there were several times that he told me we werent going anywhere. I was just in denial. And, he also contradicted himself all the time with it!! I'm better off. Keep believing it.

So, its OVER! Im trying not to think of it and figure it out, because theres nothing to figure out!

I also had a nightmare Sunday! I dreamt that I had my ex husbands baby, and his mom was so happy we were back together. But I ended up not wanting the baby and trying to give it to him and leave. I have no maternal instincts. Please God, don't let that be my fate. I deserve better than my ex husband!!!! Changed, or not, which my guess is NOT!

I got my entertainment weekly, muh ah ah ah ah!!!!! This is the subscription I stole from those we dont speak of. Sadly, the week prior was a Star Wars cover, and that wouldve really made him mad if he didnt get it. Oh well, Its mine now! I sat down with Tivo to record all my favorite upcoming shows for the summer!

Did I mention it was hotter than hell this wknd? My first months electric bill was 88 bucks. I don't have gas, just electric. But, lets remember, I am home from 10pm and go to bed at 12am. Sleep, get up at 7am and leave by 7:30 am. Thats all I'm home!!! Doing the math...ummmm roughly 12.5 hours not including wknds that I am home a week using electric!
I leave no lights on. So, how on earth is my bill that high? You got me! I dont have a/c. I can't afford to turn it on!!!! And that was BEFORE a washer and dryer came!!!! I called to complain but they told me i used that much electric! Cant wait to see this months, with laundry, and fans going!! It just amazes me how bad you get screwed in this world!!!!!!

Today's Question:

If you were to be the opposite sex for one day what would you do?

I would most definatley have sex. Lots of it!! You know, you are guaranteed to get off, because thats the luck of being a man!! LOL! Then I would take my car to get all the work done it that it would possibly need, because I wouldn't get screwed because I'm a woman. And, then I would like to act like the men I know, and lay around watching TV, drinking beer, watching women take care of me, and doing nothing!! Sounds like the good life!