"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Let's call this 'Rambling'

Its hump day, it's weigh-in day. I feel like a bowl of Jell-o. I did extra arms last night. I'm tired of having flabby arms. I lost 6lbs this week. Don't ask me how! 95% vegetables, protien shakes, chicken here and there. Working a lot. Working alot. Doing the stairs, and my Carmen Electra. I can't imagine what i would lose if I gave up the alchohol on wknds!!!! (plus all that junk I ate this wknd!) My total is 21lbs total, I think only 10 of that is from the work challenge. Today I put on pants and zipped and buttoned them, for months, I couldnt button them. Progress! Yet I went shopping last wknd, and couldn't buy a size smaller pants. My size is too big, next one down is too small. I'm in-between. Yay me! Watch out world, I am hiding no more!!

The new Real World Austin...was good! Who doesn't love to watch other people fight? Crazy girl, who starts fights when she is drunk, a street brawl, bisexuality, alchohol...this ones got everything! Even a guy that got cracked in the eye so good its fractured, severly! OUCH!

I talked to work guy for an hour. We had a really nice conversation. I am just not at that place in my life right now. I have my crap together on the outside, but not inside! I am not open to love. It's still too soon for me. Good for those we don't speak of for hiding his feelings up with another girl. I choose to make my next relationship mean something, and not be a rebound. But we talked more about his situation, and he thanked me. I'm a good talker.

I also talked to Bubba for over an hour last night. After working 2 jobs and chatting all evening we still had lots to talk about. Trying to figure out what the hell we are meant to do with our lives! I told her everyone says you just 'know' when someone is 'the one'. I don't know if their all full of it or what, but in our case, we hate making decisions. So we're constantly second guessing every decision we make!
Why cant everyone be the same, and fit 1 mold, and we all are attracted to the same things, and you stay together for life? Why, huh? We decided I would marry Orlando Bloom (only because Edwin is already married) and I would change my name to his. I don't want to change my last name again either. I don't think its right you have to give up everything for a man. I could change my mind, but right now, thats where I am! I already changed it and changed it back once! Bubba is gonna marry Eminem, and I told her she had to name her first kid Jerry. Then he would be Jerry Mathers, and they could call him 'The Beaver'.
(like in leave it to beaver....."and Jerry Mathers, as....the Beaver")
I have my money straight. I have 2 jobs, soon I can sock away my second job pay, and live on my job #1 pay. I also think it's easier to hide from men when you work all the time! lol.
I am confident at work, making decisions, but when it comes to myself, not so much!

We also found that we shared a similar oddity. Sometimes we stare in the mirror at ourselves and feel removed. It was hard for us to put into words, but we both knew what we meant. To me, its like you reconnect with yourself, and its you, but you feel like you arent looking at you. To me, its like we are in a parallel universe with ourselves, and every now and again, you have to take that time to get in tune with yourself. Its weird. And, so are we.

She tried to convince me, to use my band camp story to pick up men. The story I always tell isn't something most guys would enjoy hearing....so here goes......
"This one time, at band camp, they made us march all day in the blazing sun. They wouldnt open the school so we could go inside to use the bathroom, or get a drink. I *ahem* used the toilet outside the school door, and was later reprimanded. You figure it out, because obviously there was evidence there"
I said, no way I am picking up guys by telling them I pooped outside, on a hot summer day!!!! LOL! Those were the days!!!! We had a good laugh over it. I decided I am going to peruse my old journals for band camp stories. Maybe I have a better one, that wont scare people off! Band was the shit!!

But we were just left with more questions. How do you know when someone is right. You invest all that time into a relationship, to find out it isnt working. Or, like in my case, you can totally think its working, and be on cloud 9, then, they slap you with the 'I don't see a future with you' card. (Oh, How I would love to smack him back but not with a card, okkkk?) I regret walking out of that house, without telling him off! I made it far too easy on him! It was hard for me to stay there, hard for me to see him, but too easy to walk away. I took the easy route out. I start regretting my decision, even though, I know I wasnt 'truley' happy. Mostly, it was because I couldn't let him in. Although, I also thought he loved me, and its a good thing I didn't open up to him more in the end.

How do you figure out what you want? How picky is too picky? How do you stop being hurt? How do you let someone in after being hurt so many times? Then, if you do find someone who has everything you think you want, the sex sucks!!!?? Once you have that type of connection, you can't compare it to anyone else! Everyone else sucks, and you just think back to the one you had that kind of connection with. At least, that is me and my friends' fate!!
This should be a lesson to all virgins (which, soon, I think I will be again) don't have sex before marriage!!! When you do, you spend your life thinking about how bad the one you are with is at sex, because you had it so much better in the past! When you wait, you think its fabulous, and you can be happy. It doesnt seem fair (as I am sure I have mentioned to death) that you can have that excitement, passion, and red hot sex on a platter with someone, and not be able to stand each other for long periods of time!!! I hate it when God's plan isn't my plan! WTF?

I mean, is this really what life is all about? I don't expect any 1 person to be perfect, but there are some things that I simply cannot do without! This is why I am still single! I dont know what the heck I want! Then, I've always said I didn't want kids. I'm even wondering if I really don't want them. Who else knows but me? NO ONE! lol!

Then we talked about the mind. I am learning that it is such a powerful thing. It really is the gateway to everything you want! (once you figure out what that is, good luck on that) I changed from being someone I didn't like. Into someone I do like. It was not easy, but it was all in my head, I had to make a conscious effort. I am now, what my ex husband wanted me to be 6 years ago. Funny how life does that to you huh? Not really! How I was 6 years ago, is what would've made those we dont speak of happy. Who I am now, makes ME happy. I know some man will appreciate it. I just need to find one who wants what I want, resembles orlando bloom (which unfortunatly my ex that i like to hook up with does) is well endowed, (yep, you guessed it, so was he) knows how to use it, (check, plus plus plus) cant keep his hands off me, (check plus plus plus) but knows what he is doing, (check plus plus plussss) has a decent job,(check minus) and his own place(check plus, but also, add, a live-in girlfriend and a baby on the way!!!!!!!!). What, am I asking for God to tear the moon out of the sky for me? NO!

yea, Suga is on the radio.....this is one I cant listen to, because its dirrrrrrrrty. lol! Men suck!
(sorry) Most men suck!!!

I think I am having an almost mid-life crisis. It's the latest craze. Go out and getchu some!

Today's Question (which since, its all about me I have forgotten for a while)

If you were to name the one posession that means the most to you, what would it be?

I have a rose from my dad's casket, it was purple, and I have it in a mug I had made for him, for Father's Day. Those two things mean the most to me at this point in my life. I handle them with the most care.


Bubba said...

Good Read!!
My most prize possession is my cell phone. LOL I have to have it at all times, I feel naked without it. Pathetic. LOL

JustDes said...

This was a good post mon.....All i can say is this.....We all have a plan mapped out for us and depending on how we come in this world and use it is how shyt will work out for us. Like my girl Erika Badu says ....We create our destiny. Maybe in a past life you had it easy and in this life you had to learn yourself....and it seems you have. Now just sit back and wait for the good to come....'cause it will!

I know you'll meet that man for you....You just have to let it come and naturally.

I love your words and believe in most of the things you say....Keep truckin' girl, you're on your way too! Shyyt looks like you surpassed me..lol....don't go to far, i can barely run...; )..

The Answer: My bible my mom gave me that was passed down to her...I admit i don't read it much....At all....But it's very important to me....I guess it goodluck...

Mon said...

Thank you Neodes! I really can't wait until the great mystery is solved! I think I had an really easy past life, that has to be it! Theres a song that says "my scars remind me that the past is real"

how true....how true!

Don't worry, I'm not in a big rush to get anywhere, I'm takin' baby steps!!!

Rachel said...

Congrats on losing those pounds! That's hard work. Be careful. 6 pounds a week seems like an awful lot. I think the recommended amount is 1-2 pounds a week. It's such a slow process. Hang in there. There's a perfect man out there for you somewhere. I have lots of "prized possessions." I guess since people often consider their pets possessions, my most prized possession would be my bunnies (okay that's 3 but I can't choose a favorite).