"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Devastation....is there a bigger word?

Up down, Up down, lifes full of them!!! So, the latest is this, where I live there are 3 major 'mall areas' where theres a mall, and theres shopping/restaurants all around. Their all spread out about 20 min or so. Those we don't speak of, was working out in one area. So, I have been totally avoiding it. Because if I went that way, I would survey parking lots before entering any store for fear of seeing him. *(yes i said FEAR, and yes it terrifies me, i have issues)*

He manages a stupid cell phone store, and acts like a king who was better than me because of it. Ummm, I was the mgr of Taco Bell for about a month in the ghetto, I should get an award! (this after the 3 years I served already) I closed too, late nights! But, you know, he's so much better....but anyhow, I want to get a picture phone. So I was going to go to the chain he works at, only by my house. One, because I dont want to see him, and two, because I dont want him to get credit for my purchase. I asked our mutual friend if she knew who managed the store by me, so I could go there. Turns out, its THOSE WE DONT SPEAK OF. (cue loud music)

Now, my safe little bubble is burst!!! I have been shopping in my new town, not worrying about a thing. I have been going out in my new town, not worrying about seeing him.
THIS MEANS LAST SUNDAY I WENT OUT IN MY JUNKY CLOTHES AND A PONY TAIL GET IT???????? Thinking there is no reason he'd ever be out that way! Im bound to see him. I walk my dog in my neighborhood. Sometimes after work, late at night. I want to throw up. I have so much pent up frustration and anger towards him it is hard telling what I would do!!! I should have known it was a bad omen that there is a street with his name about 4 streets from mine!!!!!!!!

I know it must sound stupid, trust me, but I am really upset that he is out in my town!!! I gave up all the hangouts we had, places we went together, and traded them in for this side of town!! Now he's on MY turf! It's a small little town, and next door, is the monster, a.k.a. those we dont speak of!!!! And, I am also fairly sure, that the store he is at, is where the girl I believe him to be dating works. If I am right about that, I will give out free readings and consultations. Because, this is strictly gut instinct, no one has said a word to me about him at all, about anything!
So, how adorable that they work together. Good thing, because that is all he does lives and breathes his work. I work a lot, but I also have a life!

No doubt, that I need to get past this, so I can move on, and find someone else in my life!!
No way I will meet someone with all this pent up anger towards him! Maybe instead of strip aerobics I should take up boxing, the real deal, powwwwwwww powwwwwwwwww!!!!!

On a happy note, at my second job, I get to waive my insurance benefits, and should receive $400 bucks! I don't know when I'm getting it, just that I cant wait! This in addition to the bonus I will be getting, is not tooooooo shabby for a part time job!!!! Now, I can afford things. And I can pay my friend $ for smashing her car up. Who knows when I'll ever get mine fixed. I have to also get my a/c serviced, the belt is squeaking, and brakes. So its in the 90s and I can't run my a/c!

And, just for shits and giggles, today's question is my own!

Has someone ever hurt you so much, that you have gone out of your way to beome a nut job, like me?!!!!

My answer is yes! lol! I have been through rough break ups, and a divorce. Now, clearly, my divorce from my high school sweetheart was the hardest. But at least with him, i KNEW things were bad, it was obvious we had problems. I stuck it out because we were married.
With those we dont speak of, I thought we were perfectly happy! We didnt fight, argue, or nitpick. We had 3, maybe 4 fights in our 4 years together. He liked spending time with me (so I thought) we had similar interests, so I cant express enough how this came out of nowhere!!
This is unusual for me, fighting was an every day occurance. I also got kicked out once a week in my last relationship. I thought he was THE ONEEEEEEE! I am really proud of myself for getting the hell out of there, but I'm to the point where I am second guessing myself.

This is why communication is key! I am really having a hard time thinking of dating someone else, and trusting them. I had serious trust issues in the past, and I felt I got over it with him, and now, he tore my heart out and jumped on it, and theeeen said see ya!!!!

This is the 4th guy I have lived with. The 6th guy I thought I loved. When the hell is my time going to come? When? I have been asking God to guide me! Thats all I can do!!!!! I feel I am about due to find someone to be my forever, my everything, my ONE!


Rachel said...

Hang in there! You need a crazy night out with the girls! Maybe a vacation in the Caribbean with some hot spring breakers. Men can be jerks, but some are gems. My advice? Go out and have a ball!

JustDes said...

LMAO@ you managing a Taco Bell in the ghetto....or the hood...lol...you should get an award for not ending up on COPS because someone ran up in your spot with their draws down yellin obscenities while dancing a jig ( ok i guess you can guess my imagination is crazy)...

Awww man how did dude end up on your side of town? I feel for you.....I purposely don't visit my sister because my "ex" lives around the corner from her.....It's just the luck of crummy love.....Just make sure evertime you go out your door, you look hella fab! lol...that's a lot right?

The answer to your question:
Hell yeah....I thought I was the biggest nut known to man until i met you and my blogger cousin via blog..; ) j/k....