I'm smitten. Thats as big a word as I will use!
So I'm in the mood to write about the evil 'L' word today. I am not in love.....but it's hard to go along and think that you have control over your life, your feelings, and your emotions, and realize that you can't really stop your feelings forever. I have been successful at stopping them in the past. But I probably also lost out on lots of oppurtunities that way.
WG suprised me last night, after work. He said sometime there could be a knock at my door at 12:30 (when he gets off) I said good thing I have a doorbell.....well he came! All I am willing to say here, is that it felt really good to be held, and feel like someone genuinly enjoyed my company. I am not ready for that 24-7. No pressure, no worries, no labels. It seems so much simpler this way.
I am trying not to stop my feelings, like I tend to do. I told him that I don't want any labels. I don't want to call it anything, because what it is is perfectly fine with me. If you put a name on it, then you have something to live up to.
He seems to be ok with it. I am afraid to be hurt, but I am also afraid to hurt him. He JUST broke up w/his g/f. He said the same thing I say about those we don't speak of, that he realized it wasnt really a relationship but a comfort zone. I know that feeling. TWDSO never communicated with me at all. He expected that by telling me "I love you", that solved everything.
Like, I could get everything I ever needed out of those 3 words. "I love you" when your upset, when your angry, when you are a dick, when you are frustrated, when your intimate....personally, those 3 words are just that.... words to me anymore. We've all said them, a million times, to different people. I have said it and not even felt the same about the person. I don't intend to let myself get caught up in those words. Love is a feeling. It doesnt come out of your mouth....but your heart.
The people change, but the words stay the same? I don't know. To me, their lies. Because here I am, after 6 'loves' saying, I didn't love them! I did love my ex husband, more than anything, and I put up with so much from him. But I was willing to sacrifice so much, for love.
I heard a lot, but saw little results. You can show someone how you feel. What a new concept!
So far, I like what is happening. I was happy before, but now, I can't help but smile...a lot! People are starting to notice..and I am terrified. So, I enjoy each day.
I thought TWDSO was the one for me. He was perfect for me on paper. If I had described the perfect guy for me, I would've described him, as a person. But he didn't give me what I wanted. We were not right for each other. I dont ever want to go back to settling because I am comfortable!
He had money, but it didn't really benefit me at all. I always was big on making my own money, paying my own way. He wanted me to need him, and I wasn't having any part of it! He was not big on taking care of me in any other way. If I borrowed money, he wanted it right back. He didn't like to help me do anything really, just sit and watch me have at it. He wasn't the 'man' that I had pictured myself with. He was not perfect, and I was not either. I know I had a part in pushing him out of my life, but he went so easily. There was no fight. He was too afraid perhaps? Who knows, or cares at this point. I'm only saying, that some things that I thought were important to me, might not be so important. There are so many little ways to show someone that you care about them, that he simply did not do.
There are more words in the English vocabulary, to say to a person, besides, "I love you". It is not a fix all, they are words. Of course you have similar feelings with each person you are with. I don't know if it is him, or if it is my state of mind right now, or if it is because I finally feel something? If I get hurt in the end, what can I say but, it's part of life??
It goes along the same line of thinking, as when someone hurts you on purpose, ie...having an affair, and you find out, and what do they say...hmmmm "I'M SORRY!" Their just words! To little too late!
I am ok by myself. I can make it on my own. I do not plan to rush into anything ever again like the last time. I just have to keep thinking that it's all ok. I will be fine! I wont live with someone again, until I am certain of my future. That is my choice, my promise to myself, and I won't break it again! I won't let myself get caught up!
All I can say about WG is that he is open with me, which I like, about everything, which I really like. I enjoy being that way I just need someone to bring it out of me. I stop myself from thinking about the future. Today, I am cheesing. Today, I am happy. Today, My head is in the clouds, and I keep laughing to myself. Today, I keep imagining him with me. Today, things are good. Today, I keep reading his words. I can't wait to see him at work. Tomorrow, I will worry about tomorrow. If I start thinking about more than a day at a time, I feel overwhelmed, and riddled with doubts, and fear! So this is where I choose to live. In the moment. And...right now, the moment is good. Double good!
How do You feel about the words I love you? Are they enough?
MMMM....read my post! I say, NO!