"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

A New Day....counting my blessings...

Today I am thinking positivly!
Positivly positive! I LOVE my life!!!!! My momma taught me to be thankful for what I have. And counting my blessings, does me good. My life isnt horrible. I have a great mom that I can tell anything to, and laugh with, and she cracks me up. I have a sister, who is always thoughtful of me, and how I feel, and what I am going through. I have a brother, who cares about me, and I can do things with. I have a great group of girlfriends, who are always there for me, and know how to pick me up when I am down. I am healthy. I have all my limbs, and organs working properly. I have a good job, that I love, and a good second job, that I tolerate. Some people, can't find 1 job. I have a nice car, that I love, and some people dont even have 'a' car. I have a roof over my head, that I can afford on my own, even working 1 job. I have clothes, while their not brand new, I am clothed, and not embaressed. I have food in my house, I am not starving. I have many pets, and am able to care for financially, and emotionally, whom I love dearly, and love me unconditionally. Try it, you might not think your life is so bad when you do.

Today is easier than yesterday. While I feel hung over, from being upset. I will survive! Boo's is sad, upset, and angry. Yes, he's a bunny and he has feelings too! I was afraid I would find him dead when I got home. I showered him with kisses. He had eaten, not much, but noticeable. he had some water too, and ate in my presence. He also was happy for a raisen, good sign.
He hopped around and sniffed all the places Bitsy had chin marked when she would be out to play. He looked like he was chasing his tail, because she was always behind him, and he was looking for her. He jumped on my dogs head and growled. Understandable. Little Hill can't seem to understand he is depressed, but she knows he is mad now! She's fine, but it scared her. My neighbor/friend and I buried little Bitsy in the yard, under a pine tree, after work, at 10pm. I hate the thought of it, but she isn't in there anymore, and I know it. I put some rose petals over her grave, and covered it with my fireplace so no one will walk on her little body. Rest in peace Bitsy.

I have decided that my past life was too easy. The world according to me is, I believe that we choose our own destiny. That this place is a learning, or training experience. I feel like home is truely on the 'other side' and this isn't really my life. I really believe this, no one else I know does, but I don't know anyone else who has tried to tell me the meaning of life either, so there!
Thats my lesson on why we are here.
So I know my last life was easy and I decided to make this one an obstacle course. Not just the things recently, but my whole life, I have been through, a lot. More than anyone that I personally know. And its not fun to be the one with all the issues. Because, just like I never listened when people told me something wasn't right, no one listens to me either. You have to make your own mistakes. So, what's the point of going through it all? To learn. This is where the term 'old soul' comes from. In my next life, I think I will be considered an old soul. I would much rather come back as a pampered cat, hopefully I remember this when its time. LOL!
I keep trying to find my purpose, to make it all worth it, but it must just take time.
I had always considered myself weak, because others made me feel that way. I longed to be a strong person. Today, I am a strong person. I am proud of who I am, so to say that I regret my past is pointless. Be careful what you wish for, the road to get there, isn't always easy.

Oprah, as you know, is my hero! She cracks me up, she's successful, and she gives good advice. I watched a show yesterday about abuse. About how smart, successful women, can become victims of abuse. All it takes is for someone who loves you, to make you feel unloveable. They tear you down because they feel like shit. It can happen to anyone. You do forget the pain, but its the shame that stays with you forever. And I believe that to be true. She told a story about how she was emotionally abused, and followed that with a ...."and where is he now???" The best revenge is success. I keep this in my head a lot, when I struggle with work, and exercise. They talked a lot about how to fix yourself after you are in an abusive relationship. One couple, was going to counseling. They asked how she would feel when he changed and didnt abuse her anymore. The therapist said, she will likely feel lost, and try to get him to fight with her and get things how she is use to them, what seems 'normal' which is, abuse.

This was my AHA moment, as Oprah would say. That is what my whole issue was with those we dont speak of. I didn't know how to act in a 'normal' relationship, this I knew, thats why I went to counseling. No fighting, is nice. But it was certainly not normal to me. 7 years with my ex husband, and 3 with another guy, who, I was just as abusive back with.....was normal. It's what I knew! What didn't help is that those we dont speak of, didnt understand, and expected me to erase my past like magic. I saw that as a warning, and started to pull away and push him at the same time. I don't regret it at all because he wasn't there for me emotionally. Someone else will be. I have faith in that, I am a good person. I knew, that if I was patient, I would realize why I went through that relationship, and find the meaning. It always does come, if you listen.

Enough with the depressing stuff! I am happy to say that this wknd we are all going out for my friend/neighbors bday. We are getting a limo and going to Cleveland, drinking. Here in my neck of the woods, thats the 'cool' thing to do. Cleveland rocks, theres nothing wrong with Ohio, this town, is my town....(no one outside ohio will likely know any of those lol) Last time we went, it was dead. It was also a week night. Lots of clubs, bars. I cant wait to cut loose and have some laughs! For my one friends 21 bday (many moons ago) I got so sick in the limo, and everyone video taped me, and took pictures. You know what pay back is? My mom had to come get me, and take care of me. My own husband (thats why he is an EX) didn't care to deal with me!!!

Although, my horoscope for this Saturday:

Take it slow. If you're weirdly introverted right now, don't fight the feeling.
Overview: If you want to be alone, it's only because there's more than enough going on in your own brain, heart and imagination to occupy you. External stimulation would be overkill at the moment.

So, I really hope that I don't get depressed while I am out. I always did the limo thing with those we don't speak of and his friends. So, it will be a little sad I suppose, but I have been through much worse, and I will have my girlfriends to keep me laughing. Something I am very thankful for, especially yesterday! If I didn't have them, with my mom and sister living so far away, I would be totally lost.

This past wknd was the Irish festival down on the river. There are festivals and bands all summer for free. It's nice. Always did that with those we dont speak of too. I didn't even get invited by our "mutual" friend because he would probably be there. As if, I can only go if I go with them? I understand why she did it, I am not mad at all, just the next one that comes around, which is the Italian festival, I'm going with my own group of friends. Sure, if I see him, or his parents, or friends, I'll likely puke, but they wont know that, and they will know that I am not putting my life on hold for anybody! I hope I don't have an anxiety attack over it.

I weighed myself for the pre-weigh in weigh in tomorrow. I gained 1lb. Not bad all things considered, such as I had pizza pan this wknd, which is NOT on my diet, and yesterday I had a pbutter twix and a sprite. Comfort food, because food is my crutch. Only, it made me feel crappy. One thing about changing your eating, you can tell what 'bad' food does to you. I felt like crap after eating it. I was lazy, sluggish, and unmotivated. Let this be a lesson to me! Tonight I have to double my workout to lose the pound or I have to pay a dollar. Ho hum, you live and learn! 1lb isnt a death sentence at all. Tomorrow is another day!

This week rules, because I get paid from both jobs this week!!!!!! MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!

Today's Question:

If you could have prevented any single fashion trend from happening what would it be?

hmmmm... the 80's? lol! One thing, is hard to pinpoint, but I'm gonna go ahead and say bananna clips, because some people dont realize that they were just a fashion trend, and continue to wear them to this day.


Rachel said...

Thank you for your kind comments on my blog. I told my husband about Bitsy last night. We both feel for you. We know how hard it is to lose a member of the family. That's what our bunnies are to us too. I even read children's stories to them at bedtime every night. Anyway, Bitsy was in our thoughts last night. Just wanted to let you know how sorry we are.

Mon said...

Thank you for thinking of my little girl!!

JustDes said...

*sigh* where do i start....Im soo sorry about your bunny...I hate loss of any kind....

I believe in what you say about past lives to the fullest. I believe i was a pampered rich bitch in a past life...'cause i'm working now! I'm sure in my new life (hopefully that's not until 60yrs from now) i will come back so much more seasoned.

I can talk about Karma for days.....There's a really interesting book on this subject....ummm i'll give you the name of the author when i come back...I know it's called a Girl's guide to Karma....wait don't quote me....dam my memory sux ass!

I'm glad you are feeling much better...if you keep throwing out those positive vibes to the universe, it has no choice but to come back...and you realizing how lucky you actually are is the beggining.....I'm sooo happy for you!

The Answer to the question:
I would have prevented those god awful chinese slippers these females in NY can't live without...uhhhh....Oh and those MC Hammer Pants...Terrible.

Mon said...

Thanks, I miss Bitsy, she was hilarious, and made me laugh so much when shed get to running around!
LOL! at the Hammer Pants! I too, had a spin of of the hammer pants!
I believe that too, about positive vibes! I keep thinking that way, and I'm feeling so much better!