"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Let's Go Back..Way Back!...

7 Days until I'm 30. Could be worse, I could be 12 again. Following are some direct excerpts from my journal of 10-12 years old. No names have been changed to protect the innocent. All spelling and grammitical errors are the same. I was obviously boy crazy!

Starting with my favorites (at age 10)

Color: Lightish Blue
Clothes: Baggies & big button shirt
Animals: All; unicorn
Boy: (crossed out each name) Daniel, Jeff, Scott
Book: Old Enough To Dream
Magazine: Cosmopolitan, Tiger Beat
REstaurant: Taco Bell & Ponderosa
TV Show: Laverne & Shirley
TV Star: Penny Marshall
Movie: The lost boys & The last Unicorn
Movie Star: Sally Field - Madonna
Singer - Madonna
Group: Bon Jovi
Video: Lucky Star (Madonna)
Car: Feirra (Feiro)
Hobby: Playing trumpet
Sport: Vollyball
Holiday: Valentines Day
Jewelry : Diamonds (i was young but smart!)
Month: May
Season: Fall
State: Pennsylvania
Flower: Lilacs
Stone: Marble
Name: Samantha, Chasity, Mercedes
Vacation: PA
Subject: English
Teacher: Mrs. Gentzler
Extracurricular: Interior Design
Some day I hope to travel to: Hong Kong

**I still love JF. I dream about him a lot.

Just found my diary. We have family living dumb. Not real interesting day.

I luv Scott but he don't luv me so ill kill myself who'll miss me?

My brother is a total nerd he is singing!

awesome day. I got moved up in band!

12/17/87 (even at 12 I had a foul mouth!)
For my birthday I got a hot look doll, 2 country bears, Whos that girl tape, I cant really say what i feel because my brother reads everything of mine. I had a dream about DB euuuuuw! I am so embaressed. I put mascara on wed after school and my mom goes your too pretty to hide your face and i was like whos hiding? my brother is putting down madonna. Well i say fuck him. I figure some day ill write a book about my life. Maybe ill be able to write more personal stuff when i find a place 2 hide my diary. I heart Corey Haim ha ha derek (my brother). Well anwer this, who doesnt? answer, no one, he is a total babe! well, gotta go!

Hi. well life is so dumb! well maybe! steph and I got to go skating and i dont know some boy but he was cute all i did was watch him do the limbo. stupid me did not talk to him. well gotta go get a movie.

Dear diary, you dont know how i feel. I heart mh. i mean love. All i talk about is him and when i do i get tingly and feel like melting. prob is he is in 4th grade, 10 and i am in 6th grade, 12. i hope he likes me so we can go w/each other. well gotta go.

today mh kissed me 3 x cool! he is really sweet! i heart mh.
well i smoke. not all the time im not addicted, fact i havnt smoked for a week.

i love jason. my life is over man. i hope he calls me tom. bye.

I heart MR. he is a sweet heart. MH and i have been 2gether 4 160 days but he hasnt called I might break up and try to go with MR but who knows.

I never heart'd anyone more than Jason and he hurt me. Ill give MH til valentines day then il ask MR to go with me. I heart MH.

I just realized I still have a place in my heart for jason.

im going to stop centering you around boys. July 20 Kenny called he nees me for an alternate in color guard. Of course I said yes. 4 the past 5 days ive been practicing from 8am-12noon. At first it was hard but im used to it. I have made lots of new friends but i need $90 for overlay, tee shirt, shoes, and more. Then i need a turtleneck and stuff. I hope someone gets sick so I can march.

ive been out of touch. see cathy was my best friend she liked mh. she decided i wasnt her friend any more and asked mh to go with her. she told me she "loves" him. this reminded me of 'total eclipse of the heart' by bonnie tyler. MH isnt treating me very good. I know id absolutly cry myself to sleep every night for at least a week if we broke up. Today i actually felt my heart break. It was so horrible and i never want to feel it ever again. I never loved anybody more than mh but i guess it happens to everybody. better go!

MH just broke up!! No big deal. Im not even upset. Last night was the haloween dance. it was fun! except i didnt dance w/anybody cus mh had to babysit me. what a dick. but he would ruin the next dance. now im singlw who knows who i will go with now.

MH didnt really break up. his friend was being queer. were together for 65 days so far. we were really close sunday (not that way) i dont know its hard to explain. i guess i feel secure. i carved his name in my ankle. i cant wait til these weird feelings stop. i dont have a friend to talk to cathy was the only friend i HAD. Mom says i shouldnt write in you for everyobody to see but they shouldnt be looking at you.

today i flicked school! eric, kat, mh and me. We were spose to be called off but werent. We hid in the woods and built a fire. It was fun but now i got home and my mom says give me your purse so i did. 2 of her friends are here and i really think she knows. (later) my mm took me to the hospital to see if i have been sexually active and for blood and urine tests for drugs! now she will know that i am not the one taking her pills!

today i bought NKOTB funky funky xmas. mh got me a ring and a unicorn figure for my bday! i got 2 wknds of saterday school for flicking. moms bdya is coming up, 43, she is getting to be an old fogey. better go 4 now.

And that was it for that journal. Somewhat irratic. I was a screwed up kid!

**Funny thing about JF. I met him in a bar in 2000, I was drunk and told him how I had the biggest crush on him in school. We danced, and some friends of mine went to his house for a while after the bar. We kissed. It was like a dream fufilled. Unfortunatly I had just met "Z" and never called JF. I thought it was the most exciting thing ever, to hang out w/him after lusting for him for so long!!!!**

Today's Question:

Ever read your childhood journals?


Tayray said...

I didnt have a childhood journal. The only journal I have right now is my blog. Sometimes I wish I had a journal so I could put more 'secretive' stuff in there.

bethie said...

i didn't have a childhood journal. and that's probably a good thing! i don't care to remember my childhood

Celina said...

YES!! OMG! What a GREAT idea! I was cleaning out the storage (moving stuff into new shed) and I found my old diaries (6th-9th grades)!! Hmm...don't know how much I could actually put in my blog...Now you've got me curious...I'm going to have to look! I SOOOO have the boy crazy and girl-friend drama!!