"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, December 16, 2005

Just Call Me Negative Nelly....

Cus, you know, normally I'm sooooo negative. (This is a huge load of bullshit btw)

The morning started out with CP in a bad mood. When we talked later on, it started an arguement, because I am always wrong, and he is always right. He is the one who took my cigarettes this morning cus he was out of it, but I'm the one who doesn't remember what happened earlier.


I feel like crap. I was miserable last night and all I wanted was to feel loved. I can't say that he didnt lay with and hold me for 2 hours before he went to bed, but I just havn't been feeling it. I guess my expressing that was bad, even though he told me to tell him when I felt that way and we'd never have problems. He told me my being negative is a turnoff. Huh? I told him that I didn't like the way he was this morning cus I never heard him use the word FUCK before. I, use it loosley. To me, it's like saying hello. He, doesn't. He got really defensive and started yelling at me, not talking, yelling about it. Cus, I'm always wrong.

I hung up on him and turned my phone off because he can't listen to me. He wouldn't shut up. I calmly said, "why are you yelling?... why are you yelling at me?... I'm not going to be yelled at, goodbye" all of which I'd bet a million dollars he didn't hear. I spent the majority of my life being yelled at by men, and while it was quite different, it was yelling nonetheless, and it brings back the same fear, and scared feelings, that I don't wish to deal with. He knows this.

Enough about my bizzzzzness..speaking of money! I signed an insurance waiver at job #2 since I have insurance with job #1. So, I get $400 for free! The down side of that, is I get $200 in my first check in January, and $200 in the first check in June. In June, is also when we get our bonuses, of around $400. So now, I'm considering working there until June to get an extra $800 bucks for free! I planned to quit in the spring. January has been 1 year! I am the only one who started that job that lasted a year. Tayray was like 5 months, Bubba went on a leave before her year was up but almost made it. I dunno how we will ever afford a wedding.

I also have made more money this year than I ever imagined possible. My second job gave me 1/2 of my normal salary....A buttload to me! And....I don't have much to show for it. So, that is depressing! I gotta buckle down in January.

So, today sucks. I now have to go out and get cigarettes when I hadn't planned on leaving the house til I had to go to work. Which, by the way, really sucks. Working 5-9 on days off is a waste of a fucking day. By the time I get shit done around the house and go to leave, its time to go to work so I can't do anything. I cant shop cus god only knows how long itll take, and I live 1/2 hr from my second job.

Yesterday was our marketing luncheon. It was a lot of fun, we had some laughs. I miss work. I know I'm gay, but I really like my job and who I work with. I'd be jealous too cus not many people can say that. I made out like a bandit! The president drew my name for the gift exchange. I got a butterfly candle lamp it matches my bedroom perfect, it's so pretty! On my desk, I had a cocoa set, a hello kitty calendar, twisted whiskers calendar, and a liposuction thing for my bday. Plus a big sign stating '30'. And, Tayray put stuff at my desk too!

I also got a potted plant yesterday, and in my stocking our ornament, some candy, and little hill got some chewies and treats too from Linda's furkids.

Tayray is having a party tonight. I'll make an appearance. I feel like holey hell and I need to rest up for my own 30th celebration tomorrow. Bad timing is what we call this! Too much partying in 2 days when we live too far for people to travel to.

I sure hope tomorrow is a better day than today. I've been up for 1/2 hour and it royally sucks!

Hope I didn't turn you all off with my negativity. I'm just one big, fat, turnoff! Eat it!

Today's question:

Ever feel like somebody's watching you?

Yes. definately!


Tayray said...

Sorry to hear bout the fighting with CP. Rest up, hooch, once you start drinking tonite, you'll feel alot better!! And all you have to do is wake up in the morning, crack open a cold one and you'll be ready for Saturday night. I feel like someone is watching me all the time!

bethie said...

they are all the same mon! brandon thinks he's right all the damn time too! my goal in life is to prove him wrong! lol Your question reminded me of the old school song....i always feel like somebody's watching me...aint got no privacy