"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, November 04, 2005

Cus Everything You Read In Maxim Is True.....

First, go ahead and be jealous, because I got gas for $2.09 yesterday! I didnt use my card for a discount either! That was the price! I remember when you could roll pennies to fill your tank! Thooooose were the dayyyyyyys!

While reading another blog, I clicked a link to another blog, and in that blog, was another, and I ended up at some weirdo's blog who had pics of himself w/some old chick 'skull fucking' her. Those are his terms! Nice! Let's learn a lesson from this shall we? It is safe here, have no fear!

So, I like to peruse the Maxim magazine. So what? It is hilarious! Same reason you catch your man flipping through your Cosmo....the shit is funny they say about the opposite sex. This months issue, has a list of '100 things you should know about women' and I have decided to list here some of my favorites, for shits and giggles. These are the ones I most related to, personally:

#100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you
whatever! we are too busy taking care of your whiney asses 99% of the time, so we have to get some sympathy now and then! Your moms ruin you!

#98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
yea, I'll agree with this 100% guys get hard ons looking at magazines, if the flesh aint workin for ya, we think its us!

#90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
Ummm no, MINE!

#89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
Good Advice! Who doesn't love Tiffany?

#84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
Ummm. Gross.

#83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
Key word 'want' to believe. Lie to us once, we will never 'truly' believe another thing you say to us. We might say we do, but we're watching you!

#79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
and why not????

#78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”
If you had sweaty sex, you totally rocked! Cuddle me whenever baby!!!

#77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
I don't even know 79 men, let alone, kissed that many! I've never kissed anyone I didn't date. I'm an angel!

#76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
Keyword here is 'blow her off' playing is fine, but if you blow her off, thats asking for a fight!

#74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”
So what? Why do you need that kind of freedom in a relationship? You can do this for your guy, and go all the way, they shouldn't need to pay some skank for it!

#72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
Not me! I am horrible in an emergency!

#70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
Yea! Maybe if most men weren't pigs, and most women skanks, we wouldn't worry about this.

#69 If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
It's a gift. You know, CSI? same thing! We find clues, have intuition, dig a little deeper, and YOURE CAUGHT! Its only a matter of time til we find out your secrets.

#66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
We just want to know that you care about us!

#65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
Maybe men aren't so stupid???

#61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
Mars/Venus thing. We like to 'vent'! We don't need fixed. We have girlfriends for that.

#60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
Go ahead manhandle them! Just touch them! If a girl says 'ouch' then you have a problem!

#57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
We understand, you want to feel superior to us, because you so are not. This makes the men feel good, so they can think it.

#54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
Eh....sometimes its just fucking for us too! ..

#51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
A compliment is a compliment! We love 'em in all forms!

#49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
I wouldn't say we DREAM of it. We just think it would be cool. I'd hate not having a stall though.

#46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
Respect? It's just hard to do. Be a good girl. Be a bad girl. You wont get married...we get fed this shit from birth.

#38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
Yeaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! Let us win!

#36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
I plead the fifth!

#31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
The bathroom should be clean. We are easily disgusted! Remember, we prefer to sit down to pee, not hover. If its dirty we'll have to hover and not be comfy!

#30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

#25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
Not all of us have friends who are skanks! I trust mine 100%. Maybe someone I know, but not a 'friend'

#23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
This holds true for everything you wanna see....

#22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
This will make us jealous and wonder if you hit back on the chick. A better idea, is to tell us how much we turn you on. Then, we'll turn you on!

#21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
Ummm you can lose fat, but you can't get your legs back! Thanks though!

#18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

#17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
Only a man would say this!

#16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
All men should follow this! Just ask, we don't wanna seem like its OUR idea! We're good girls!

#14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
I can have fun at any concert, take me take me!

#13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
Yea, but generally they like to use it as a weapon. And, its all about the session, big or small, if you suck, you suck!!!!

#11. She likes one of your friends.
Only if you suck, and your friend pays us more attention when we're out than you do.

#10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
Sorry, but I think all my friends are pretty. If that makes me the ugly one, so be it. I don't compete w/my girlfriends.

#9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
For me, it's how you treat my pets. Who are my children. And, the name thing!

#8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
So what? We're afraid to get gray hair and God forbid look old so you leave us for younger women!

#7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
Especially if you ever want us to take it off for you...to music!

#6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
Ouch! True! Theres scruffy and theres painful! (ask Bubba about the love bump!)

#3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
Well, at least we wont try to get you back. EVER!

#2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
Unless its jewelry, and you suck at picking stuff out, then by all means, take my friends along!!

#1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
Well, if you are a skank maybe you lie. I have never had a reason to, I'm not ashamed.

Today's Question:

Ever read your guys magazines?


Rachel said...

I used to read Playboy. I hate stereotypes. Actually, Playboy sometimes idolized women a little ridiculously as well. Ugh. Sexism totally pisses me off. Men can be totally stupid. B.t.w., I check out other women more than my husband does!

Mon said...

I check out women! Cus we're clearly more attractive than most men!! But, we also don't suffer from homophobia! lol! OMG someone might think I'm GAY! pfft!