"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

When I got home from work(s) last night, there was some cute guy hanging out at my neighbors house. Oh wait, that was MY cute guy! Tayray and her man were passing out candy for Halloweener. She was a clown, which is funny cus if you remember, she hates them. Thus, my leaving her various clown suprises when I cat sit. I'm a good friend like that.

Ok...soooo, last night the boy was like, maybe I found your blog, and I'm like, maybe I'll die of embaressment. Then hes like, Id never embaress you..I didn't mean it that way. Not like I have anything to be embaressed of. Right? Other than the fact that I said we're getting married he he he. I'm a funny girl though. You can't go and believe everything I type, k...I mean. Maybe I was just joking or something. Or....fuck, well - it must have been meant to happen, and I can't change it. Oh well. I have no reason to fret over it, it's how I feel. So, I'm gonna pretend like it never happened. And press on. I can't just erase the last almost three years of my life on the internets.

I'm in boy bliss last night, and my friggin phone rings at 10 something...private. I didn't answer it. It's never good news at 10 and private. I got an email today from CP, saying he called me but I must have been working and his number comes up private. I responded that no, I wasn't working, that my MAN was over, and I didn't want to be INTERRUPTED. He said before that "if God wants us to be together down the road, then we will be". I say, if "God" wanted us to be together, you wouldn't have fucked up so much, and "God" wouldn't have given me my perfect match wrapped up in the cutest package. How's that burning bridge going for you? I should just be bitchy to him, but that's not me. And...I have to stay true to myself. Here is where my Mom and Sister say that he is going to wind up killing me and then I'll learn.

So, I'm feeling off this morning. As is my Thursday and Monday routine anymore. I'm not depressed, or sad...it's just kinda empty. And I don't mean that in the way that I need the boy to feel like a whole person, but yea, kinda I do mean that. I am me and fine, and happy normally. I guess I can say that he makes me more me. That might sound less pathetic.

Say, like...maybe you are living your life to the fullest, and you're a good runner. And you have some decent running shoes, that you wear every day. One day, someone gives you new running shoes, and you get to feel how well they fit you. You seem to go faster, and longer with these shoes on, so naturally, you want to wear the new shoes every day, but you can't. You can only wear them a couple days a week. So on the days you wear your old running shoes, sure, you still run, and they don't give you blisters, but you think about how good it felt to wear the new shoes. How much further and longer you could run. And you wish you could just wear those every day, and it makes no sense why you have to be given the ability to be greater, but you don't have access to it.

Damn, that was the most perfect comparison. Sometimes I even scare myself.

Last night didn't make it any easier. It's pretty clear that he feels the same way, and that makes it even more frustrating. Frustrating? That's not even the right word. The only thing I can say is that I just want to chomp off a hunka the boy and eat him. Does that sound disgusting.....or what? He makes me feel so good. Just being there. I can't get enough of him, and I love it. Sometimes I hate it. Like today. And tomorrow. And whenever I have to wait to see him. But I'm thinking it's my lesson in patience or some crap like that. Which, hello...not working. I love the way he kisses me, the feeling I get when he hugs me, or holds me, and that I can't stop smiling. Writing this is making me tear up. I'm such a sucker for this love stuff. Who knew?


Slick said...

Quuuiiiittt....I'm already puking!

You buncha lovebirds

lol...btw, I loved the analogy. I got exactly what you meant ;)

You did good.

Mon said...


thanks. sometimes i even amaze myself lol

EC said...

He is just jealous - he wanted the drugs more than you, and he still will. He wants you now because you are happy and he isn't ... don't even talk to him anymore - it just isn't worth it!!

Stick with the boy - he sounds uberly wonderful (and yes, I know that isnt' a word, lol)