"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Reality Check...

Ok, is this really my life? Did I get on this train? Am I the captain of my own ship? And, what the fuck have I been doing with my life? Honestly?

This weekend, I missed the opportunity to see someone. It sorta ticks me off, cus well, its pretty damn good to see him. What ticks me off more than that, is that when I went over last week, we had a seemingly good time as usual. I mean, we joked around. We talked about different things going on in our lives. Gave each other advice. Laughed, and messed around.

And then, I never hear from him. I mean, it's an understanding what things are between us. So, I shouldn't expect more. I think that this is going to have to come to an end soon. Feelings are starting to get in the way of it. I kinda like him. I know I shouldn't. There I go, being a girl. Sue me. I dunno how I'll find love when I'm too busy working, and being casual with a boy. I'm the kind of girl you take home to your Momma. Seriously. Unless she wants grandkids......

Then, there's CP. You know, we're friends or whatever. We talk. I'm glad that he is doing well because despite what the world thinks I should or shouldn't do, I still care about the guy. We weren't engaged because it was something to do. There was love there. I dunno. Thank God he's locked up in rehab though. Anyway - it seems there is always something new arising from the past in the way of a lie. Heres the latest that he has confessed to me.

He bought me these at home drug tests for opiates you know, so I could test him whenever I felt like testing him. To prove he'd changed, and was drug free and all. This is why I really didn't "fully" think he was on drugs again, cus while I had my suspicions, he seemed to pass the drug tests. Nevermind the fact, that I myself, had supplied my very own urine, for my very own friend to pass her very own drug test. It can be done. If you can fool the professionals, one can fool me, right?

One time the test showed up positive for marijuana. I knew his nephew smoked, so I was sure he used his piss to take the test. It happened to be the last test in the box too. He told me that he smoked pot with his nephew, to explain the marijuana reading. He didn't seem shocked at all. So since he'd been delving out truths latley, I asked him if he used someone else's pee for that test. No, he used water, and yellow food coloring. He said he just bought it on the way home, and kept it in his nutsack (my friend kept my pee in her cleavage.....) to be the proper temperature. Cus there is a temperature strip on the cup. He said he had no idea why marijuana came up on it, so he made up the story about his nephew. Sneaky fuck.

The day before I kicked him out, he shot up. You know, with an actual needle. In the arm. Like a fucking junkie. DISGUSTING! This I think, was the hardest lie to hear. I forget what he said he shot up, it was some weird name. But you know, he was taking like 16 vicoden a day, then started snorting oxy, so whatever is the next logical step. That made me sick. Plus, you know, he was forever trying to get in my pants. All the while knowing, he was using a needle. Not caring that he could put me at risk for some skanky disease! Good thing I had someone else to get in my pants. God, that sounded totally slutty. But, you get the point. He couldve given me some skanky drug disease. Just what I need!

He told me a few more things, that I had pretty much known, but he finally confirmed that he'd lied to me about. They made me sick too. It's like, he had this whole other secret life of theivery. Drug friends. And lies. He asked if I put my A/C in my bedroom yet. I said don't you remember you sold it for drug money? I told him he could scrap my ghetto one, but he took both of them "on accident". I can't explain what a shot to the heart this all is. I asked where his car was, and he said he gave it to some druggies for letting him stay there the week before rehab. He stays with me for 2 months, and I barely get paid, he stays with them a week and they get a car. The car he told me he was giving to me to make up for the money he owed me. The car he said he couldn't give to me, because he didn't have the title. He said he promised it to several people.

I mean, I understand the whole addiction thing. Everyone I've dated has been an addict. One was a workaholic, which is almost as bad. Something has always been more important to the men in my life besides me. Starting with my own father. Not that I have to be the end all be all but I should rank up there if you love me!

And then, I've got my brother living with me. Basically doing the same shit. Lying. Sneaking. Thinking I don't know what he is doing. It pisses me off. I'm telling you people for real - once I'm back from my vacation, this shit's ending. I am no longer going to be an enabler to anyone. He gave me $1.50 after working all day. He owes me $226. That's just for the phone bill. Nevermind I put him up for 2 months. Well, he had been drinking. And lied to me about buying "pop and cigarettes with the rest". Seriously. Like I can't tell? It was just like growing up when my dad would have us for the weekend, and we'd hear him crack beer cans open in the next room and come in all "normal" like. Like we didn't know he was acting different? Is this my life?

Can someone loan me a couple million, so I can go on that moon trip with the Russians and live on the space station? I bet in space, lifes pretty simple. Plus, I'd lose a lot of weight being weightless and all, and that would make me happy. I bet space food is good. I've had the ice cream. Ok, so... who wants to throw in the first million? Anyone?


Frances said...

If I had it I'd defintely spot ya.
Actually I'd rather send a ticket so you could come hang out in NYC with me for a couple of weeks and regroup.
Sweetie show them all the other side of the door and change the locks.
Cut your losses while you can.
You are too wonderful for all this.
BY the way I saw Vacancy too - maybe we could rent them all a room together at the same place ;)
Sending good vibes,

Slick said...

I'm short a few hundred thousand grand but I'm assuming after all you've been through, you'll hardly take an I.O.U.

Yeah, sounds like it's time to stand up and give up the enabling role. Good luck!

Ken Albin said...

Why not just clean house and get rid of all of the detritus? That way you can stay here on Earth and enjoy life.

Rachel said...

Wow, Mon. Do you have a support group to help you out? You shouldn't have to deal with all that by yourself. One thing's for sure--you need a new man to occupy your time!

Kentucky Girl said...

Well, if I had a couple million laying around, I'd certainly let you borrow it. Oh hell, I'd just invite you along and we'd spend it all together. :D

Mon said...

good idea about the room.....that movie was creephy wasn't it? Thanks for the kidn thoughts. I've never been to NY!

Yea, I'm over IOU's! lol. I think I'm going to be doing this soon! After my vacation!

Yea, earth is pretty nice. I don't think they have cats in space. I'd be lonley with no cats!

No doubt. I need a nice one!

I'd be down for a shopping spree! weeee!