"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Thursday, August 16, 2007

Momma Had a Baby and it's head popped off....

Picture the Flintstones, when Fred would get so pissed off his head turned brigt red, and smoke came out of his ears and he screamed "WILLLLMA!!". This is me, only I'm screaming "brotherrrrrrr!". Snap your seatbelts, this is a long ride.

I tried to call my sister at lunch yesterday, and it called customer service. I thought, I still have her number programmed wrong, which I did over the weekend and fixed. Then I got a voicemail and went to get it, and it directed me to the finance department at Sprint. So, I'm thinking right away, those assholed charged me for the phones again! Something isn't right. I got online to view my bill, and there, it says I owe $312. Guess what my balance was as of August 2nd? $0!!!

So, immediatly I tell the lady, (who was an American - yay!) my phone is shut off for the second
time this month. My bill is paid and to read the notes about what has been going on.
She looks into it, and isn't sure that I was charged for. She said it looks like internet usage. I said can you tell me what that usage is? Cus, I don't use the internet. She said she couldn't but customer care probably could, but it was to my second line, for 7,000 some-odd kb downloaded at .03 cents per kb. My god damned brother. I was charged, $226 for him using the internet. In TEN DAYS.

I told him not to use the interet. Do you think he listned to me? I mean seriously, am I really a fucking moron? I took a big hit getting let go from my last job. This is why I work a second job, to "live on". I have everything budgeted to the penny. I have my whole budget layed out each pay day all the way to January. I'm serious about my bills, and paying stuff off. Having my brother there, I have to pay for his cigarettes, his food, his pills, his dr appts, (which thankfully sometimes I get help with that stuff)and the increased electric bill from having the TV, A/C,
lights on 24 hours a day. I had to drive 120 miles (150 if you include my trip TO work) taking him to and from the Dr. the other day. Half a tank of gas. $15. I use a tank a week, and now theres an extra half I can't afford.

I have finally reached my breaking point. Mentally, I've flipped my lid. And, he has the nerve to complain about things still. Honestly, working 7 days a week is killing me. Working out 5 days a week, constantly picking up after him, and 6 pets. It's taking it's toll. I'm wearing very thin. I need out. I can't do it. Now, I have to worry about my landlord selling the apartment building and the liklieness of my rent increasing, or my having to leave due to having pets. It's all too much. I've gone and lost complete control over my life.

I tried to have him removed from my account. Sure, for a $200 fine. So, then, I'd owe 426 to no fault of my own. So I did the next best thing, which was took his texting away, and his internet usage. My boss told me you could do that, I had no idea. So, I have my phone on for 1 week pending a payment. I can pay the $26 to get it under 200. But at the end of August, it'll shoot up to $280 because the regular bill is due again. I can't express how much I hate my brother right now.

I almost always have money in the bank. The last two months I 've been hanging by a thread. I came home, shaking, upset, crying, and told him everything. He sat there and looked shocked. He had nothing to say except "I didn't buy a game". I brought up how I'm doing all I can for him. I have 32 cents in the bank, and no end in sight. I can't just shit out 226 bucks! Some of us give a shit about our lives, and don't just let things happen.

Do you think he even said he was sorry? Do you think he asked me, if I was ok? No. He said nothing. He didn't even look at me. I went on and on about how he has to figure out his life, he needs to go back to work, or get fired and collect unemployment, cus I can't do it anymore. I've helped him all I can. I'm done. I said no more cigarettes, no more food. The buck stops here. I've never once complained to him about doing everything I've done, I've felt like well, he's family.

But It is to the point that he is taking advantage of me. I was up all night crying for five
straight hours. I talked to all my friends. Then, CP called me. I got just as hysterical with him, and he said that he felt bad because he knows he did the same thing to me. At least he's getting help. I can't even get my brother to admit he is a depressed alchoholic. CP told me I helped him in a lot of ways. Because I kept saying "I work so hard, and I get shit on, this is the thanks I get". I don't feel like I helped him. I told him jail is why he is in rehab. Regardless he did get me to eventually stop crying.

I'm mad at myself, because this isn't me. I'm better than this. I am proud of my independance, and strength, and here I am being weak. Letting someone else control my emotions. I can't change it. All I can do is change my reaction to it. I want to punch him in the fucking face, for using his FREE THANKS TO HIS SISTER cell phone to download buttloads of crap. He's so ungrateful, unfeeling, and ignorant. He has some serious personal issues, that need to be addressed by someone other than myself.

Since I got nowhere, I wrote him a letter. I told him everything I have done, and how he needs to figure his own life out, and that we all care about his well being, even if he doesn't. And I took the remote. I know he'll still watch TV but he wont be laying there flipping channels on my couch all day. You would think that if your sister were so horribly hurt by something you did, you might maybe think, well gee...I should help her out as best I can. Maybe, do my dishes or something. No. He didn't do a thing.

He's fucked up in the head and I'm sick and tired of dealing with alchoholics/drug addicts/assholes. It's time for a change, and I'm the only one who can do it. I choose not to deal with people like him anymore. I feel so guilty over it too. But, I can't make him change. I can't make him care, he is just like any other addict I've dealt with, and they are all the same...belive me on that. They lose their ability to have emotions, or care about anyone or anything but their addictions. Being my brother doesn't exclude him from that.

I didn't make him the way he is. And I can't make him better. I can only do what I can do and I've done more than I can, and now I'm paying the price. Mostly, I'm mad at myself for saying things like "I want to die" "my life sucks" "im getting nowhere" "i keep getting shit on" "i hate how my life is". That's not me. I'm letting his actions tear me down. I'm better than that.

What I am sick and fucking tired of, is working. It isn't like, I'm pissing away my money. Or not working. Living off the system. I work 7 days a freaking week, and I'm still struggling, because I have a dependant who is 34! I barely get to have any fun. I'm always at work. I'm tired of it. I've worked two jobs the last 3 years of my life. When do I get to have a life? I need to figure shit out. Because this road I'm on is paved with shit.

My boss gave me the # to the Employee assistance program. I'm going to call them to see what I can do with my brother. Someone has got to know something. She keeps telling me she refuses to believe there is nothing we can't make him do given his history. She's really nice. We talked for about an hour today about yesterday.

4 comments:

Suzi said...

Whew. I'm exhausted and depressed just from reading about it. I can't even imagine actually living it. I hope your employee assistance program has some ideas for you, because I think you're right—you have to be DONE with this.

...That Bitchy Chick said...

I'm sorry that you're having to go through so much in life. Trust me when I say that I know where you're coming from on so many levels. It's hard when you've seriously tried to help someone and all they do is take advantage of your generosity. Be tough, be firm and regain all that is your's! It's time that women like you and I stop letting people use and abuse us..family or otherwise. It's good that your boss is able to lend a supportive ear and try to help out where she can. Bosses like that are difficult to come by! I'll be thinking about you and keeping you and your situation in my prayers! Yeah, even us bitchy chicks pray! :)

Kentucky Girl said...

Sometimes, you have to just cut the lifeline to make them start helping themselves.

That is all I'm going to say. :)

EC said...

I'm sorry I missed this post on Thursday... Oh Monica :( i'm so sorry you had to go through all of this!!!

(((HUGS))))

It has to get better right??