I'm a Downer Today (TITMT)...

For TITMT, skip to the ***** below the BS going on.

It's raining today. And, dark. I didn't want to get up out of bed, but it wasn't just because of the rain. I knew that me and CP were going to have to deal with some issues eventually. Well, eventually came this weekend. He's gone. Again. The only thing that is keeping me from losing my mind, is that we're still talking. He is going to live away from me until he gets some help. He has issues that I can't help him deal with, because I've tried. Him staying with me is only making matters worse. I get more resentful, he gets further into whatever it is that he is into. He's too comfortable with me, and he takes me for granted. Basically he exists. Every once in a while he will wash a dish when I ask him 10 times, but other than that he is waking up, playing video games, working, games, sleep, spending money. Being depressed. Spending money. Lying about spending money. Mostly, the key word in this paragraph, is lying.

I worked 2 jobs for almost 2 years. Every day. Sat on my ass for 14 hours. I gained like 30 pounds. I had no life. I hated it. The point is, that no matter how bad it was, I stuck with it, because I had only myself to depend on. I think that when you are in a relationship, you can depend on each other. Don't get me wrong, CP thinks that too, but as long as he is the one depending. He was ok with me paying for everything, and him blowing everything he made. Why? Because I make more money. Sure, I can afford to live where I am on my own with one job. Can I pay off credit cards and save money? No, not really. Do I want to change the lifestyle I have? No.

I get the feeling that he is using me. That's how I take it. He doesn't want me to do well. You usually help each other out in a relationship, help each other reach their goals. I tried to help him, but he didn't really try to help me. Not until it got so bad that it was the only way to stay together. He likes to think all I care about is money. Which, if you know about us and our relationship, is not true. He has no money. All I ever asked of him is that he pay for 1/2 the living expenses. I think that you should be equals. Contribute equally. Nowhere in my book of life have I written that I have the desire to support another human being. I have no problems helping someone, but you also have to know when to say when. Now, he wants to quit his job.

I did that whole soul searching, who am I, and where am I going phase when I was 24. I put a lot of time, and effort into myself, and I am now, the person I'm going to be. I have no desire to be different, and I'm secure in my decision. There is always compromise, and I made a ton of those this time around. What I know for sure, is that I want to share a life with someone who has ambition. I'm a hard worker, committed to my job. I am mostly level headed. I have been through enough BS to know I don't want any more of it. And, I try to be a good friend, and a good Mom to my furkids. Those things give me a sense of accomplishment. That is what makes me happy. That is what I use to seek from men in my life. I learned how to get it on my own. I don't think CP, at 37...has yet to learn how to find happiness with himself. Which is huge.

We tried to talk again last night, and things went good with planning on him trying to get help and on some sort of medication, and we'd still see each other from time to time. Everything was fine until I asked him how we were going to handle the finances, seeing how he screwed me out of $500 again. He got defensive and pissed off, and said in relationships there are no 'owes'. That was when he told me I wasn't exactly hurting for money. So, because I have stuck with the same job, worked my ass off, and gotten somewhere, I should support someone who continually screws up our finances. See the problem? I'm once again on the job hunt. I'm hoping to find something maybe just through the holidays. I could kick myself for quitting that second job in May. I made really good money there.

******************On a lighter note

Janet asks today for Tell it to me Tuesday: What are your top ten nineties artists or bands?

10. Paperboy. I think he only ever had one song, but when your one song is "Ditty" what more do you need?

9. Tupac. I get around, Brenda's got a baby, California dreamin. These are the classics of the 90's.

8. Hootie & The Blowfish. Their songs are awesome if you like meaningful music. And, can get past the gay name. Their responsible for my Edwin finally breaking out. And by breaking out, I mean, getting an awesome fan base.

7. Alanis Morrisette. Her 'Jagged little Pill' album, single handedly got me through my shitty divorce era. Every song, I loved! And, what girl didn't sing 'You outta know' to some asshole?

6. Celine Dion. Ok, So, I loved Celine Dion. I still listen to her CD's when I want to cry. 'Because you loved me' was my wedding song. Puke.

5. Shania Twain. Yes. I liked country. It was the 90's. I think everyone did. Leave me alone. She was the coolest back in the day!

4. Boyz II Men. Why couldn't they get their shit together and make a come back? I loved these guys! End of the road, I'll make love to you, Momma.

3. Bell Biv Devoe. I can't count the number of times I sang this: Backstage, underage adolescent, how you doin, fine, she replied, I sorta like to do the wild thing. Move to the jacuzzi, ohhh thats juicy smack it up flip it and rub it down oh nooooooo. You can do me in the morning you can do me in the night, you can do me when you wanna do me. Nuff said.

2. Madonna. Note, that I put her as #2, only second to Edwin, because she has been around forever. I loved her stuff in the 90's just the same as every other era. Ray of light, Rain, classics.

1. Edwin McCain. Love my Edwin. Always will! He caught me with his 90's hit 'I'll Be' and never let me go. Once I bought that album, I got everything he ever touched. Have I mentioned that um, he touched me too? Yea, thought so, but you never get sick of hearing it...right?