What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.

Gone But Not Forgotten...

Last night I had the strangest dream (remember that song?) I couldn't afford to get my hair done so I went to some ghetto place with people who wore scrubs to do hair. I just wanted a trim to get me by, and the bitch put brown hair dye on half my head and I walked out with half dyed, half hilighted hair. Not having money completely blows.

I've been gone forever it seems. What have I been doing? Oh, I'm getting by. I happen to be in a superior mood due to the fantastic weekend. I havn't heard from CP in 3 days. He doesn't even deserve the name CP anymore. We can imagine it now stands for Cock something. Cus, let's face it anyone who lets me go without so much as a word, is a cock something.

I went out to meet a girlfriend at the bar Saturday night, and then another one invited me to a certain persons house for a party. The same one from last weekend.

I had a great time cus I had a few friends at the part as well.

I've pretty much decided it's over with me and the man, all that needs to be done is to say it. It's really hard to let go, but the longer we're apart the more I realize he wasn't right for me at all. He was good for the time being. But honestly in light of recent events (this includes my getting shit-canned) I realized I was the only one putting anything into the damned relationship. Fuck him.

Momma and Sis will be here tomorrow night! I am so excited about it I can't see straight. The bad part is I am always a mess when I leave, or they leave me after a visit. Being alone this time, is going to really hurt. Being alone, and jobless. Even worse.

The upside to losing your job? I'm now down 10 lbs. Yesterday I actually forgot to eat. Me. Forgot. It's not like I'm whithering away or anything, but even if I did eat I'd only shit it right back out. I'm a mess. I've been through much worse, so I will survive. I'll drag my ass out of bed once in a while to update my blog. Life doesn't feel right without blogging.

The Search Goes On...

First of all, thank you to everyone, for their well wishes. It really does help to be feeling like a peice of shit, and hear good things. So far, I only had the mental breakdown for 2 days Constant sickness and crying. Shits. Sleeplessness. Well, I still can't sleep.

Saturday Kat came over in the afternoon, dressed in some hideous 80's clothes, and danced with jazz hands to cheer me up. It worked. Katie told me that it could be worse, I could have a screaming 4 year old on top of it. Tayray listened to me complain and drink beer. Bethie came over later, and brought wine. Kat brought alchohol too, and we all went out for 80's night. Where I'm not ashamed to say I drank my cares away. Every last one of them. I have the best friends, that made me laugh, bought me shots, and told me how great I am. I even spent some time talking to a boy whose house I threw up in years ago.(that's always a way to be remembered) He made me laugh when I really needed it. Where was my man? Oh, I dunno....he blew me off that night. "Medication troubles".

I guess this is opening up my eyes to a lot of things. I did dedicate so much of myself to my job. I think I need to take the next job for what it is. A job. I hear that I'm greatly missed at work today, which is nice to hear. The only thing better to hear is that the place is closing down. They obviously treat their most dedicated employees like dog shit. And, when you need people the most, they should be there for you. Cp especially. If it were not for my friends, I would be in a gutter somewhere long ago.

No luck job hunting. I have a knot in my stomach even saying this, but there were only three jobs in the paper this Sunday. The holidays are a bad time to job hunt. Merry fucking Christmas, right? I'm at the library searching online for work. I am meeting with temporary services. Calling to clean peoples shitty toilets at night, to make up for the inevitable difference I'll receive in any pay. I'll wind up a better person for it. Somehow.

I'd really love to know what I did to deserve the shitty luck in my freaking life. I'm trying not to let it bring me down, and stay positive. I know it's only my first official day off work, but it's hard. I've never been unemployed AND alone. I always had someone in my life to help me out financially. Or a parent that I could live with if I needed it. At the very least, I could have some freaking sex. I am not even getting that. When times are rough, that lets you forget about it for a while. God. Next post you read may be that I'm pimping myself out. For free.

And She's Gone...

Well, yesterday I was confused on what to do with my future. Funny how life fixes that for you. I was let go from my job yesterday at 4:15. After 7 years, it was all over in a matter of fifteen minutes. They decided to eliminate my position. Which was a nice way of saying that they are hiring someone else into the department with a degree, and the ability to be a manager. Nevermind my 6 years of perfect attendance. The struggles on my own to learn how to manage the websites. None of that mattered.

I got a "we're so sorry" an "it has nothing to do with your job performance and we will help you any way we can". Thanks. If I wasn't bawling my eyes out, I would have said, can you help that my fiance is gone, I have no money, and I'm all alone in this state with no one to help me? Not that it would have mattered if I did say that. I had to meet with the human resources director. Who said I would be missed. He could tell it was a shock to me, I don't know what gave it away, probably the fact that I was hyperventilating. He told me there was nowhere in the company to place me. If something came up I would certainly be considered. Let him know if I needed help with a resume. I'm well respected in the company.

All of that is nice to hear, in a review. None of it is good to hear, when you were just fired. It is meaningless. If all of that were true, I wouldn't be gone. I wouldn't be replaced with another person. I wouldn't hear "we just dont have it in the budget to keep you". Like I'm making a million dollars. All of this from people who are married. Have homes. Have secure jobs.

My future is uncertain right now. I get a severance, a whopping 7 weeks. One week for each year I worked there. As if that makes it any better. I understand that it is better than nothing, but seven weeks is right before Christmas. It's not far away at all. I can scrape by on my income. I can't survive making less than I made at that job. I have a lot of support of friends and family, which I am grateful for. But they just keep telling me I will find a job. I know I will. The question is will I find a job that pays me enough to not have to move out of my apartment? Will I ever be able to say that I love my job again? I have to start over. Somewhere new.

This feels like a break up to me more than a loss of a job. While I'm afraid of what I will do money-wise, I'm mostly grieving for the loss of a job. An extended family. A place that I liked to get up and go to every day. A place where I knew so much. Learned so much. Met so many people that got me through a lot of hard times in my life. That, is what hurts the most.

I'm shocked. I havn't stopped crying. I havn't slept. I havn't ate. I can't function. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen. I went through this all 7 years ago. I lost my husband. My job. My house. My car. Filed bankruptcy. I don't know that I can go through all of this again. I don't want to have to work two jobs for the rest of my life.

CP is not really being helpful. He left me last night when I really needed him. I couldn't stop crying. He couldn't fix it, but he could have lent me some moral support. I told him this is going to ruin our "relationship". I don't ask him for much. And, when I really need him, he isn't there for me. When I come up on the other side of all of this, I think that I will definately be over for us. I don't want to spend my life with a person who can't even support me emotionally. Seriously, what the fuck am I thinking?

Wish me luck. I will update my blog as I can. Right now, my life is in turmoil. I know I can do this. I've been through worse, and one way or another....I will make it.