"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Saturday, March 27, 2010

What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.


MzAriez said...

You know there are people out there in the universe pulling for you, wish that you receive many blessings and continue to have the courage to keep taking the next step.

In the years that I have been your blog buddy, I have read your stories. I may not have been right next to you, but through your words I have connected to you.

You are a phenomenal woman. You may go through many situations and struggles, but you have the ability to overcome them.

I once explained to my son. Life is like weight-lifting. In the beginning our parents are the spotters helping lift the weight. As you grow and get stronger you can handle life's challenges without the spotter. Yes, you have to push through them, but you can. It may hurt too, but keep going. You will get stronger. Without the negative weight, our spirit couldn't grow stronger. And I still be life that is the purpose here....to strengthen our spirit. Because if Heaven is perfect, how could we ever have the opportunity to build our strength.

Sorry to ramble, but I really just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am for being so amazing. Keep being you.....I cherish your inspiration.

heather said...

and that is why i respect you. i went through rough times too. baby at 17, parents who didn't want me, homeless for about a year (literally living in my car)... i could easily look at my friends who are financially more successful and break down but i choose to appreciate what i have and be proud of the fact that i worked very hard to get here.

that's why we can truly be happy, because we can find happiness in tough times when other people search for it in material things.

Teena in Toronto said...

Wow! You must have been carrying quite a load! Good for you for getting through it.

Andhari said...

I'm so amazed at you dealing with all of that and still stay strong, when other might have broken down. You're such an inspiration and I wish you the best of luck.

Sister Copinherhair said...

I don't really know what to say except that I love this post. I love how you stay positive. I'm proud of you for how well you persevere.

mylittlebecky said...

i really admire people who are able to do what you do! good for you for pulling yourself out and keeping it all together. you deserve a really nice back rub. manfriend, hmmmm? :)