Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I got new jeans....drumroll please.....A SIZE 12!!!! My goal is a size 10. ONE MORE SIZE! When I started this whole weight loss ordeal, I wore a size 18. Tops? XXL. That's two extra's! I bought two new tops, with ONE L! No extra! Of course, I still wear an XL too, but the point is that an L fit more than my head. Rejoice! It kinda makes the times I'm working my ass off, worth it. It seems like I went forever with no progress. It's taken TWO YEARS. TWO!
This weekend I also got several calls about my cat. Who was busy snoozing on my couch. One person called me like 20 miles from where I live. I said is it a persian? "No, but it's orange." Thanks, but I specifically stated I am missing an orange tabby persian. That's like painting that black cat in the looney tunes cartoons with a white paint stripe and calling it a skunk.
....Le mew, le purrrrr....
I'm really happy she's home. She is such a snuggler, who always comes when I call her and lays with me. She left a big hole in my life for 5 days. I didn't realize how much she is always around, until she wasnt. She's snuggly but not needy. She's my mini me! The fact that I said that might really make me an official crazy cat lady.
The good definately outweighed the bad this weekend. I lowered my cable again. I went from 200 channels, to 50. For a savings of $34 a month, which can go towards paying a credit card. I'm not sure how long I can last, because I don't get E!, or TNT, or TBS, or Bravo, or anything. I get God TV, TBN, kids, kids, and more kids. The only channels I watch that I now receive are HGTV, and Nickelodeon. I'm dying inside. (No more housewives of NY...Millionaire Matchmaker, no real world, or talk soup, Paranormal state, ghost hunters...the list can go on forever!)
This fits into my debt free in 2010 plan. In the meantime, anyone have any shows I should be watching, that appear on NBC, ABC, CBS, or Fox? I'm open to new things now I guess. Tivo needs to be used or it might feel neglected.
Monday, March 30, 2009
So two weeks ago, I met some high school friends out for drinks. This was fabulously fun. I found two more girls who are uninterested in having kids like me and my friend Kat. Maybe it was pumped into the water in school? Oh wait, everyone else has kids. This foursome was the most fun at the get together. I mean, I'm glad that you are happy with your children, but what ELSE do you do? I have nothing to talk about with people who only talk about their kids. Reason 34,566,89-45.2 I don't want kids, you mostly become boring. (if your not boring, then dont take offense.) Of course, there were people with kids who talked about other things, but they didn't bother me.
Then, one classmate told me like 15 times that I looked good, and one time said "you look 100 times better than in high school". 100 times. That leaves no room for you looked 1% good. Which is total bullshit because I was pretty cute in high school. I think he probably forgot who I was, and he was pretty shitfaced. You know, there's one in every crowd.
I threw Kats (unused) tampon behind the bar. And, stuffed one in the straw bin on the bar. The bartender found both of these. Obviously, I don't need to have kids, I am still one myself. In retaliation, she added $4 to my tab, after I signed and gave her a tip. In retaliation, I called her manager and had it reversed. She did it to kat too but I don't think she complained.
Saturday I tried to jog outside. Ok, so it went like this. Ow, ow, ow, ow....I didn't get much jogging done. Outside is 95% harder than the treadmill! I did 2 miles in an hour, and I usually do 4 miles in 45 minutes inside. Plus, there is no cushioned deck outside to protect your crunchy knees. I have crunchy knees. And lets face the most important issue...there's no TV to stare at.
So, instead of jogging for 25 minutes straight, and walking fast on an incline for 25 min, I did the "ok, I'll jog to that next tree up there" and practically died on the way. Seriously, I'm not cut out for sweating outdoors. I think I will stick to the gym.
I had a fabulous weekend with my manfriend. His cuteness has been surpassing his already cuteness, and if he isn't careful, he might get locked in a closet. His Mom and stepdad came over and we got pizza. She brought me roses, which was sweet as can be. Then I left them in the manfriends fridge to probably die. *sigh* I'm really sad about it. I love flowers.
Friday, March 27, 2009
But apparently I do Sunday mornings. Last weekend the manfriend and I got up at 8:30 a.m. I don't have a clock in my room, or this wouldn't have happened. The good thing about being up early is going out to breakfast. They put a Sonic in five minutes from my house (I know, can you believe it???!!!) so we hit it up for breakfast. Guess what Sonic has? Frito pie. This has long since been a favorite at fairs, and is served in a restaurant? Brilliant! I got an egg sandwhich. And a frozen latte. For lunch, I introduced the manfriend to Swenson's. Big city folk don't have Swenson's, and I really feel bad for them. Of course, he loved it. It's the yummiest burger joint around. And my non beef eating ways always takes a back seat for some swensons once in a while.
Seeing that I ate like crap to stuff my sorrow's I still managed to lose weight this week, bringing my weight loss total up to (wait for it........) 72 lbs!!! AAAAH! Almost 3/4 of 100 lbs, I can barely believe it. I also attribute this to the fact that I'm upping my workouts to "train" for the Cleveland marathon. Doesn't that sound important? (I stole this idea from Allison)Ok, in reality, I'm gonna do the 10k with Kat. That's still alot for your first time. I do 3.5 miles every day, so I've upped it to 4, and started doing more inclines, and 5 min more of jogging. We all know that outside is nothing like a treadmill.
Did I mention that while up at the buttcrack of dawn this past weekend, we actually had to wait for stores to open? Like, we were there too early? And, we got awesome parking, and had no traffic. Old folks have it all figured out.
My lessons for the week are that I have the best manfriend in the universe, who loves my cat, and took fantastic care of me while I was sad, and fabulous people who care about me enough to ask how my kitty is each day. Oh..and I need to get my back door fixed. Kitty is settling back nicely with the other cats. She's being really assertive to the kittens, and seems to be in good health, and her poo is normal.
P.S. 72 lbs?!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Look who was in my laundry room last night!! She's home!! I went all "CSI" last night, and got out my video camera, and aimed it at the woods, and covered my porch with flour and put cat food outside. I figured, I'd see kitty prints if she was around. I watch a lot of TV, but at least I learn things. At about 11 I was distraught again, and started to cry. If you didn't know, my Dad died in 2001, so I decided to ask him to bring my kitty home.
I said "please Dad if you are listening bring my Fizzy home". I decided a little before 12 to go out and check the trap because I moved it. I took along with me, my sweeper contents to spread in the woods. Contents of a 4 cat household=cat hair.
A car with a squealing belt was in the road stuck. But...was that a cat bell I heard under the noise? Hope fluttered in my stomach! I called to her, and listened....called, and heard nothing. Spread around the cat hair, checked the trap. And on my way back home I
happened to look to my left....And there's my cat. Looking at me. Right in front of my 2 doors down neighbor's garage!
I called to her and talked to her, and she stayed put. After a minute I decided I had to try to get her, and as I went to her, she took off as fast as her stubby legs would carry her....right into my GARAGE! I shut the door and screamed THANK YOU! And rushed inside.
She has a tail and a butt and belly full of burrs. So obviously she's been in the woods somewhere. Her eyes were messy, but mostly, she was thirsty and hungry. So she ate. In between eating, she purred, and rubbed against me and got lots of pets.
I spent time cutting away her burrs and brushing her, and loving her. I was so happy to have her home! The other cats were like...."eh, she's home" her boy gave her kisses, but the girl kind of ignored her.
And, as you can see after a few hours, she was snuggled up with her Mom on the couch. Catching some snoozes. She slept on my pillow and purred all night!
This morning she had a jumbo hershey kiss in the litterbox, and poo all over her fluffy butt and legs. So I had to be late to work cleaning her up some more. I don't think she ate for the 5 days. I'll keep an eye on her and see if she needs the vet. She seems to be happy to be home!
Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and kind words, they really kept me going, and gave me hope!!!
*P.S. I know there is bacon in my cats bowl. She didn't eat it but I thought it was worth a shot!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Like attracts like. Think positive and positive will come. I keep picturing my little girl on my porch, yelling at me as she loves to do in her bossy way.
So, I called my library, which happens to loan out humane traps with a library card. Whodathunkit? As my manfriend says, I live in the "country" but it's more rural I suppose than country. Fields, and sheep and cows and whatnot makes the country I guess when you are from Cleveland. I live like 2 miles from a grocery store and gas station. It's not little house on the prairie.
Since I have a dickhead ex, who took out a ton of stuff in my name and got hauled off to rehab, therefore leaving me w/hundreds in fines....my kind neighbor, Tara went to pick it up for me.
This things pretty big. I walked for an hour thru my neighborhood putting up more flyers. It is now raining, which pisses me off because I'm going to have to go back again and replace them all. Then I set the trap back in the woods behind the neighbors apartment complex. There is a shed back there so I thought what the hell. I surounded it with my cats pee and poo from the litter box. And, I have a lot with four cats. I used a lot. I also put in my tshirt I slept in for the past few nights, and my sweaty gym socks. I've read a lot about trapping your cat. 70% of indoor only cats are returned by using a humane trap!
I have been depositing lots of pee and poo in my area to make it smell like my kitties territory, and familiar so she will come out of hiding. I checked my trap around 10, which I had covered in a Hello Kitty blanket my other cats and the dog had slept on...and I saw it had been sprung. I peeked in with a flashlight and I saw black, and instantly fear struck me....I caught a skunk!! Then I heard the hissing from a cat, and knew what I had.
I had to cart his ass back to my house so I could set him free in the light and until I did he was cussing up a storm. Once he was out he seemed friendly. He was a huge black male with huge black balls. He tried to go right back in that trap for food. Men! The good news about this is that even though I havn't seen other cats, they are around. So my cat can be around. Also, he can be scaring the shit out of my Fizzgig, because she doesn't understand hissing. She looks at a cat like, huh
I also left my back door open. I locked my cats up downstairs, and left the door open where my cat escaped. It's called turning your house into a trap. It's raining. I'm hoping she will come back on her own? I really don't want to deal with like, raccoons or possums or skunks or squirrels in my house. But....I love that damned furball to peices!
So keep sending me positive vibes, I just may trap a cat!
Nice story, this cat was finally trapped, gone for weeks!
"We miss our Mommie"!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I slept like crap last night. I slept good Saturday and Sunday, with the manfriend. I feel safe with him. Why does he have to make me like him so much?
Still no word on my little kitter butt. Thank you for all the kind thoughts. Keep us in your daily thoughts. I firmly believe in the law of attraction.
I also believe that every bad/tragic thing happens for a reason, and the thing to ask during these times is.."what leasson am I to learn from this". Which, I've been asking the universe this. Nothing comes to mind whatsoever. I really thought (with my morbid mind) I would find a dead body in the woods while searching. Maybe I was meant to find someones missing person on my search for my missing cat? Really, that's how I think.
My gut tells me that she is ok, somewhere. My eyes hurt from crying so much. My manfriend put a cold three olives bottle on my swollen eyes when he was there. That's love.
My efforts last night consisted of me grabbing two grocery bags of used cat litter, a baggie, and making a Hansel and Gretel trail of stinkies in the woods behind my house. At the time I didn't find the humor in it. Now, it is kind of funny. But, nothing I wouldn't do for my kitty to come home!
I read online that indoor cats usually stay within a 5 house radius and will not come when you call them, no matter what you think your cat would or wouldn't do. And they'd rather starve than come out of hiding. The best thing to do is to make the territory smell like theirs. She may look big but she's a tiny little thing under all that fur.
I'm most sad that her babies are sad. When they hear each other's bells, they look like, ..."Mom?"... They stare out the windows, and I know its not the usual cat window watching because it's at night. They aren't even comforting each other. When Fizzgig was home, they were a happy cat pile of purrs. Now, they are separated, and seem to be pissed at each other. They aren't even sleeping with me, and it use to be a struggle to fit all their fluffy butts on my pillow at night. She's the furry kitty glue that holds the family together.
I feel like she is OK. I have to keep positive about it. That's all I can do. I read countless stories online yesterday about cats who are gone weeks, months, years and they were indoor cats too. And I posted to my catster account that she is missing, and got lots of support from fellow kitty lovers there. Anyone kind enough to take in a lost cat, has to know that there is someone heartbroken that she is gone. Anyone have any returned animal stories? They make me feel better.
I went last Friday out with people from High School. But, I don't much feel like blogging it just yet. My heart still hurts. And, I feel guilty for going cus she got out sometime before I left.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I have been all over my neighborhood on foot, and in car. Calling her. All over the woods. Calling her. I left food out untouched. I put flyers up. The manfriend came over Saturday and helped me look. He made me a new flyer, we made copies at Kinko's, and put more out. He put an ad on craigslist for me, and is offering a reward for her.
He even downloaded a high frequency noise that my other cats were interested in onto his Iphone to try to attract her. I left my garage open for her. Nothing. Tirelessly calling.
It feels like a break up because even sad songs make me cry. The manfriend held me and let me cry. He didn't judge me or tell me "it's just a cat". He got mad if someone didn't let me put a sign in the store. I feel like he is on "my side" and for once in my life that feels fantastic. He didn't tell me to snap out of it when I would tear up every other minute. Or didn't laugh all day.
Instead he would ask me if there was anything he could do, tell me he was sorry, and he wished he could find her for me. He also stayed another night with me cus I couldnt sleep at all Friday, and having him there helped me sleep. He's pretty much the cutest manfriend in the world, and I know that.
So, today I'm really sad. I will be sad until she is home. I have faith that someone has her. She wouldn't stay gone this long. She wouldn't kill a mouse that was in my house for a week. She eats next to my bunny on occasion, and wants to be friends with cats that hiss. I have never heard her hiss in 10 years. She is the sweetest cat. I have a connection with her, and it breaks my heart that she is gone. I am placing ads in the papers ($40 a week?!)And calling shelters and the police station today. Send me positive thoughts. I need them.
Repeat this for me out loud if you would. "Fizzgig is going home!"
Friday, March 20, 2009
It's Friday. I have the blues. I had a non stellar evening with my manfriend and what sucks about that is I don't get to see him for days. And I have a hard time letting things be. My mind is working. Been that way all week.
My work week's been hectic, had a girl out all week just about. Been preparing for a presentation of our realignment. Which they had me do for a week, and then realigned again. By "they" I mean the man. You know. Corporate America. They can suck it.
I lost 2 more pounds which makes me happy. 67 total. Three more til 70. Statistically, I've lost more weight since leaving boot camp than I did while attending. The reason being, if I dont lose weight I know I will the next week. At boot camp I'm questioned about it, then I freak out and eat less, and don't lose weight again the next week. I don't handle pressure well where weight loss is concerned. I needed it to get me started again, but now I think until the next plateau I'm done with it. Plus, it leaves no time for me. And, costs a buttload of money. Which isn't in my "get out of debt in 2009 plan". Plus, she doesn't have a real scale. I'm just sayin.
67 Total (about 2 years)
29 since November
16 since leaving boot camp.
Funny thing is it's taken me this long to lose it and only recently have people been noticing. That's when you know you were really fat. It's true!
Oh yea, yesterday I went to work out later, so I had a different treadmill. You know, different crowd. The guy who came to workout by me asked "Do you want to watch Harry Potter?" while holding up a DVD. I said, "no thanks". He said He thought he'd ask. I guess it was kinda cute, since you have to share TV's at a ratio of 1 per 2 treadmills. I was watching another TV though.
I'm going to see Poison, Cheap Trick, and Def Leppard June 25! How fun is that? If I was a total nutcase, I'd get that pic of me and Bret michaels put onto a tshirt. But I'm not a total nutjob.
Do you get the notion that I am a man hater from reading my blog? I know its not my every day demeanor, and no one has said this to me before, but it came up. I think I do a great job not hating men considering men have pretty much tried to break me down, and use me since I started liking them. I don't treat men like they are all the same.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Well, I didn't go out on St. Patty's day. I think thats the first time in 12 years (since my 21st bday, shhh) that I didn't at least have "a" green beer. It's not socially acceptable to me to go to a bar alone, because I flake when boys try to pick me up. I completely suck at turning people down so they get the picture. So, I stayed home. I did have plans but a friends BF was ill and she stayed home. I watched dancing with the stars. What did you do that was cooler than that?
(don't tell me, I'll feel worse......)
Did you watch Tool Academy, and catch the recap show? Oh-m-gee! I might have had that same fight on national TV back in the day, and put up with a tool like this. It's called insecure. I love reality TV, it reminds me how far I've come in life! It was worth watching the whole season just for this recap show!
Tough love is also a pretty good show. You should watch it for dating advice, its common sense stuff like, if you walk around with your boobs hanging out, guys will look at you as a skank. Or you are so annoying when you are skinny and you say how fat you are in order to fish for compliments from guys. (P.S. girls hate this too) Or, when you put yourself down, it's a turnoff.
In other news, I have been having a hard time sleeping in my bed when I'm not with my manfriend, which is 97% of the time. It bothers me too. It's my bed. I think it bothers me most because I never really enjoyed sleeping with someone before. I liked my space.
But now, sleeping on my couch doesn't make me look at the empty side (empty, aside from one stinky dog) and think about how much I miss him. And then I start to wonder, how he can say that I'm everything he wants, and wants to be with me more, but not want to be with me all the time cus he isn't ready. I'm just at a different point in my own life. So, to avoid thinking about it, and obsessing over it, I sleep on the couch. Distraction.
I get my panties all in a bunch over that stuff, and then I forget it when we're together, and he tucks me in under the blankets, or puts burn medicine on my arm cus I burned it with a curling iron, (after kissing it...*melt*) or the millions of times he tried to help my blisters (which I don't get anymore with mah new fancy shoes, hollllaaaa!)
Or when hes cooking for us he'll bring me in a peice of cheese (I loves the cheese) Or pours my drinks for me in a gentlemanly way, or puts me into a car when we go somewhere. Or, that writing all that stuff actually made me tear up like a sappy fool. He does a lot of cute stuff that makes me mad, because it makes me love him more and I can't help it. Argh. I feel taken care of with him. And....that's why I'm patient. Not because its easy.
Some things are worth waiting for. Plus, I've never had anything worth having that I didn't have to work for in some way. This is what I get for telling the universe years ago that I wanted to learn patience.
Be careful what you wish for.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
At work, we run a bazillion awards each month. Then they are signed by VP's. Then we run labels, and put labels on envelopes and stuff the awards into the envelopes. I know, captivating. I didn't say I was saving the world, it's a job.
To speed this process up, we run the awards, and labels both in a logical numerical order, so you just stuff them right from the stack.
VP's like to play cards with them and shuffel them all up. No matter how many times you tell them it takes HOURS as opposed to minutes to stuff envelopes because they do this crap, it doesn't matter. It bugs me. It's like playing memory or something, OH OH! I saw 371 mid way thru this stack.....
There are some new people to the gym at work. They bring annoying habits. The girl is I dunno, "older" and she breathes really loud and counts. "pffffffffffffffooooooooo one.... pfooooooooo two.... pfffffffoooooo three". Hello? You are interrupting my showcase showdown, betch!
The second, is this guy that I wish I had a video of. He rides a bike, two machines down from my treadmill. He must put the thing on the highest level, and covers his head with a towel, because I think he has that kid mentality, you can't see us, so we can't see you....
He talks to himself. He says things as if he is his own trainer, like "come on, come on, push it push it" and he says these things in a dirty sex talk kinda way, while violently out of breath. Like, dirty, you know......
The last lady gets on the treadmill and runs it at an 8 or 9. Mind you, I run pretty fast for short stubby me at a 5.6. She doesn't run at an 8 or 9, she holds on to the bar and holds on for dear life, and walks. I have no idea what she is doing. One time the guy that loaned me his pants, asked her why she did that and she said for her stomach. He told her she isn't really doing anything for her cardiovascular system. I had to laugh. This was on my second workout yesterday. (props!) I havn't gone back to boot camp due to it's enormous cost, and I've been losing weight on my own.
When I win the lottery and buy my island, I'm going to have a bad ass gym that no one is allowed to go into but me. It's going to be the arctic cus I hate to be hot. I'll also have one of these personal coolers I've been reading up on. And I'll have a big TV with my tivo, and a bad ass sound system for when I feel like jamming out while I run. I'm also going to have someone feed me grapes, but that's another story.
Know what doesn't bother me? Contests! There is a fun contest over at Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom where you can win a truckton of South Beach Living stuff. Who doesn't love that? It's delicious! She has lots of contests, but this one especially peaked my interest, go and enter to win. Only if that means you wont beat me though, I'm a little competitive.
P.S. I made a yummy omlet which I thought was gross at the time, I put leftover frozen veggies in it, broccoli, cauliflower, peas, squash, water chestnuts, all mixed in my egg beater. Mmmm.
P.S.S. Jillian on the biggest loser tried to compare MASHED POTATOS to CAULIFLOWER yesterday. I love both, but these are not the same. On my island, mashed potatos and cheese with ranch dressing will be the national food. If you don't like it, get your own island!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
See, at work we are cutting down costs, ie; not hiring people when someone quits, so the rest of us are overworked. Then, they fired the plant people and had us all adopt plants. Ok that was kinda cute. They sold our "grill" to Eat N Park who charges us 1.59 for a banana. And $7 for a salad.
Then, they decided to stop having our mail delivered by one person and having one person from every department go pick it up. The mail sorters stopped even sorting it right so now, we have to find the right person to deliver mail to. Although, I'm stopping this today when I start going over to pick it up, to hand them their shit back to their supervisor. I'm putting on my big girl pants, and being assertive.
The latest cut back is with travel. We have a department devoted to arranging travel for or company, it's what they do. But in order to not hire another person, they are only going forward, going to do multiple destination trips, and group travel. The rest of it, falls on "the people". So, we have to do travel for our VP's. Sure, we do it now, and by doing it now, I mean we fill out a form and fax it to travel.
We have a website now, that we have to learn, and it.......is.......slow. I spent 2 hours booking a trip to california, round trip, and a hotel. I could have done this on my own at expedia in about 10 minutes. But we have 1,000 rules and regulations that go along with it.
So after sufficiently cussing at my computer last Friday I gave up. I spent an hour on the phone with travel arranging it on Monday. After complaining about the time it takes to go screen to screen, I told the supervisor, in my sunshiney way...."I'll learn to love this system". Just like old fashioned "telephone" this got to his supervisor, which told my boss's boss's boss, that "fizz loves the new system". That's what I get for being optomistic? Suck it.
I mean what's next? I've been spending the last few days justifying my people's workloads for a presentation on Friday. I have to fill up the month with what we do. I have to justify....being 3 people down. Seriously, what's next.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I remember back in 2006, it was still kinda cool to like Bret Michaels. He was that one hottie from the past you use to lust for.
Remember back when Poison use to be heavy metal, and you felt kinda bad-ass for jamming out to "talk dirty to me" and "Unskinny bop" (seriously?).
"I was on Bret Michaels tour bus".
Now the answer to this is, what skank hasn't been on his tour bus? Are you calling me a skank?
I got to not only meet Bret, but hang out on his bus and chit chat! Get photos, and an autograph (which was a vintage BOP magazine picture of him!!)
My girlfriend, won a radio contest, where we got to sit in the VIP box at his concert, which we didn't sit in, because it was further away than being front and center. We got down on the floor and jammed out with everyone else!
The best thing about the night, was waiting by the back door, to go out to the bus, knowing "we had this"...and looking at all the people begging the radio DJ to get them on the bus.
They said Bret was sick and only had a few minutes for us. Whatever. A few minutes? Better than no minutes! I'm pretty sure he asked my friend to email him some pictures she had from concerts over the years too. He was impressed we had the old school magazine pics to sign and he said "I remember this photo shoot"..........awesome!
He was a super nice guy, and it was cool to be on a rock stars tour bus. And even if rock of love has tainted the worlds image of him....I still met someone famous, that was a huge rock star in my day...and that's still big to me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Anyway latley I have been sleeping on the couch. Silly as it may seem it makes me miss snuggling with my manfriend less. But, I don't sleep well out there. I dreamt that I was sleeping on the couch, and as always, my dog sleeps 99% of the time, except for when I'm trying to sleep, then she decides to get up and mosey around and I have to get up cus she'll just piss wherever she wants. So, in my dream I had to force her to go outside to potty. I noticed a car parked out behind my house in the woods, and I saw a man get out with a long blonde ponytail. (redneck...fitting for where I live)
He walked up to my apartment, which is brick, and I got up and went inside and shut my back door. I heard a loud thud, and looked out and saw he threw a knife into my apartment wall. For some reason, I went out to look at it, and plus I had to rescue my slow, blind, old dog from this maniac! But when I opened the door he came charging in at me. He picked me up and put me over his shoulder and was hitting me. I was screaming for him to stop and he said "I'll never stop I'm going to beat you to death". I remember that line pretty clearly.
I kept thinking, how will I get help? I screamed in that dream way, where you scream but barely anything comes out. I kept wondering why my neighbors havn't called the cops or tried to save me. (have some sex and they are first to point out that we made too much noise, get beaten to death, they turn their attention elsewhere...) I managed to break free and get my cell phone, and dialed 911. It was some other number. In my dream 911 didn't work on cell phones. So then I had to try to think of the number to the police. Who the fuck knows that? I throw all my phone books away cus that's why the universe created the internet.
Which....I don't have, since I have no COMPUTER.
I kept getting caught back up by this man who was beating me up. I thought there was no way I would get out of the house. Eventually I broke free and ran across the street, which was really across the street from my house growing up, this guy asked me why I didn't use my car alarm? So, I went back home like a moron where the guy was "missing" and I snuck around my apartment, deciding I'd rescue my cat and dogs. My dog is a hopeless case, cus she couldnt see me or hear me when I tried to get her to come. I tried to set off my car alarm, which wouldn't work cus my car was in my garage.
When I woke up, I was so afraid to let my dog out I barricaded her on the couch with me so she couldn't jump down. And, I went to get my keys with my car alarm thingy on it, in case 911 didn't work.
When I looked up the symbolism in this dream, not being able to scream signifies your frustration and helplessness w/a situation. It hilights a difficulty communicating. Well, I wonder what thats all about? (points finger at manfriend)
P.S. I had a nice evening with my manfriend. We tried to watch the new Narnia, but we had hot toddies cus we're sickiepoo. zzzzzz I thought I was having a sex dream in the wee hours but....that wasn't a dream! Those are the best.
P.P. S. Bronchitis took out my entire dept. So, pretty much it's me at work on month end. Awesome!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
So, I don't get a new person at work. Tuesday we had a big sha-bang go down where I got one of the girls in the dept that handles another division, but does almost the same job as my girls. So, they made her move under me. The bad part is that she was under another manager in my dept who I think was upset by it all, but not my fault.
My boss and my boss's boss told me that I'll be over all the support staff eventually, so I'll have like 4 or 5 people. Plus, the direction of our department is changing. All of our stuff is going to be moving online, most of our reporting. So that cuts out a lot of what we do. The fun part, is that we will be working on the web, and that's something I miss doing from my old job. In a meeting they asked for input on what we can include on the site, what type of reporting is needed. So that makes me happy, to feel that my job is secure. And, to learn new things, and have a voice! So, I'm happy and thankful. In my quest for positivity, I am being optimistic!
The best part is my not so new girl is smart, and I can teach her to be my back up for a lot of my reporting, and be confident that she won't screw it up. In other words....I can go on vacation and not be limited to 2 weeks out of a month! *angels sing*
NSNG (as I will call my not so new girl) is also a hypochondriac. She was kind of the person in the department you avoid, if someone is stuck talking to her, it's an unspoken rule that you fake call the other person to get her to leave their desk. She has every ailment known to man, and is on every medication. She's a talker, and a talker, and talks about her Aunt Rose like she is your best friend in the world. No matter what you talk about, she can manage to turn it into a conversation about her, or someone she knows, and/or one of her ailments.
Not only does she have everything wrong with her, but she is allergic to 90% of every medication to cure whatever is wrong with her. She's nice enough, but you just want to say, shut the hell up for once!!! The nicest person on earth works in my dept also, and she said to me one day after work...."Do you think NSNG talks too much?" It makes me laugh until I cried. She is the kind of person that says "yippie skippee". She doesn't say bad things about anyone.
NSNG story from last week.....
Last week I was at work after hours doing facebook. She came to my desk to get a drink that I have stored under my desk, so I moved out of the way from my computer and she said "oh your on facebook! You have to be my friend" I said something like...."I dont get on there much" and she proceeded to comandeer my computer, and use MY account to request her as a friend. I don't want to be friends with work people. That's my private life. Especially people whom I supervise! I'm suppose to be somewhat responsible.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I can remember avoiding this like the plague whenever someone offered to wear their clothes. Mostly because well, you saw that picture of me, most likely they wouldn't fit, and who on earth wants to be the girl who cant wear her boyfriends clothes? Two things you never want to weigh more, or not fit in their clothes.
I've worn my manfriends pullovers before. And his boxers. And his comfy pants (which he gave me this weekend to wear cus I felt poopie and he's all sorts of adorable even though I want to strangle him) Monday I forgot pants to workout at lunch. I got in there to change and said.....damn, no pants. It's a sign since I'm sick not to workout. And I came back to my desk.
A coworker that also works out every day, asked me did I have a tshirt he could wear to workout, and I said I did, cuz I forgot my pants! Then he said I could borrow his shorts he had another pair. Coworker is in pretty good shape. He lifts weights, he's in there all the time when I am.
I debated for a few hours whether or not I should go work out cus what if they didn't fit me? I waited until he came back from his workout to go in and try to change and workout. I still think with a big girls mind. Even looking at those pants I thought no way I'll fit into them. But I did. And because of my fear I didn't get to watch the price is right, I had to watch some booty ass HGTV stuff, which is NOT good workout tv.
I'm trying to get over this stuff. Same with space, I see a space to sit and think I won't fit, so I don't try. It use to be uncomfortable for me to go to the movies even.
I got my new credit card, at 0% APR for 6 months. I'm going to be moving my money around for a while. This is all for my debt free in 2010 goal. At least, no credit debt. I'll still have my car.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Saturday I went to the House of Blues to see Red Wanting Blue with manfriend. Which is a band that hails from Ohio. And, though they are awesome, will probably wind up like Michael Stanley. I think maybe Ohio sucks your will to leave it. That, or my better guess is people lack real taste for real muzak with meaning. Otherwise, Edwin McCain would be known for more than "I'll Be". But don't get me started.
It was like summertime! And by summertime here in Ohio, I mean it was almost 60 degrees. That's shorts weather, open the windows, and take in the fresh air. It was the kind of day you want to spring clean. Only, you know that it is going to snow in a week so why bother?
I had fun hanging with my guy and flirting with him profusely. That never gets old. We were at the bar and some girl came up to me and told me I had a great ass. I said thank you. Then she told my manfriend what she told me. Then she said she's talking to the lead singer from the other band Honor by August and shes afraid he thinks she's stalking him. Then she asked me my favorite sexual position, and manfriend too. Then I think maybe she was a little weird. We were in the big city of Cleveland, where they have things like homeless people and lesbians, and probably swingers and threesomes too!
Sunday I started to feel poopie. And by that I mean my freaking ear is sore, and my throat hurts, and just felt like poo in general. Manfriend made me soup, with goldfish. And gave me vitamins. He's pretty cute, and took good care of me, even tucking me in in his cute way of tucking me in. It just pisses me off even more that we are in the situation we are in.
P.S. Boys are really freaking stupid! 99% of them. In their own ways. Some may be nicer than others, but most of them are totally clueless.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Some points from skating:
It's perfect that we didn't drink first like we had discussed. I can't imagine the injuries we'd have sustained.
Just like riding a bike. Only less safe.
I'm not 12 anymore. Don't bother trying to look cute when skating, because as an adult, it is exercise and you sweat. Profusely.
They don't have the same rules. You can skate fast and weave in and out of people all night and ultimately cause people to fall down.
If you do fall down, they have staff members or, "floor guards" who skate around with whistles, and blow tweet tweet tweet, to alarm oncoming skaters that there is a man down as they stand in front of you not helping you to get up.
I know that last part, because some kid made me fall, and almost squash them. Nevermind I took Tara with me hoping she'd stop my fall. Instead she just fell too. And we laughed. A lot. And tried to get up.
When I was 12, no one cared if you fell down, causing a massive pile up was the norm for people who biffed it. Kids are far too pampered today. Floor guards?
Getting up after a fall is hard to do. If you are over 10.
Even if you have a padded rump, falling still hurts.
Skating is awesome exercise!
They don't wait until the end of the night to turn on the ugly lights. They do it periodically.
Skating on carpet is an art, and its easier to just walk like an idiot.
When you are sweating profusely, you can catch some great air off the rink if you sit along side it, nice breeze.
People watching at the skatery is way better than the mall. Not many people fall on their asses at the mall.
Skate texting is probably more dangerous than text driving. Because you don't have a car to protect you from impact.
Skate texting is the thing to do.
I saw one of the cops from where I use to work part time. I still think that they are going to arrest me or something since I just quit going to work there one day. I doubt they even remember me!
Even if you are 33, you aren't allowed to leave the skatery and come back in. You get the same treatment.
The cool thing to do at like, 10 is to pretend you are giving a popcicle a blowjob, as your friends egg you on.
The cool thing to do as a 10 year old boy is to act like you have a penis and tell the girl what she is doing right/wrong. Seriously?
Snacks are cheap!
Heather is a super slow skater. We lapped her several times. Practice makes perfect.
I'm still hip, because I knew all the songs they played.
They still play four corners!
No one asked us to couple skate. Cute as we are, obviously our boobs were intimidating.
Some boy totally tried to feel me up from behind. I think I could have been arrested cus I'm guessing he was 12.
Brian Boytano was there. On rollerblades. I never saw anything like it.
Ok so it wasn't boytano but he was a really good skater.
Skates are different now, they aren't as high up.
I wasn't sore at all aside from the right side of my right foot from doing the turns.
There was a boy who had the biggest ass in history. If we had in/out privliges I would have gotten my camera to take pics. It was a bubbly butt. Classic.
We're totally going back. We had a lot of fun! I think it's the new way to spend a Friday night!
Friday, March 06, 2009
I'm going to see Red Wanting Blue tomorrow at the House of Blues. It's gonna be pretty sweet. I got bogo tickets for procrastinating. I'm spose to go with the manfriend but maybe a friend would want to go. It's hard to think happy thoughts about him, because he really hurt my feelings last night.
I just kinda have been evaluating things in my mind. Like how we don't get to see each other much and for the first time I don't feel like a priority. I feel like if this isn't moving towards more committment, I shouldn't be giving my all to it. And ultimately this is going to be the end of the relationship. When the one person who had optimism for the both of us loses it...bad things are bound to happen.
You know even fun things like, winning the lottery have been soured. I'd say lets get an island and run away together, and he's all for it. But, if you aren't ready to live with me, why would I take you on my island just because I am rich?
I'm completely confused about our whole relationship. He acts like he wants more with me. But then he tells me different. One of the things that attracted to me about him was he said "I know who I am and I know what I want". The more I know him the more I realize, either that's bullshit, or I'm not what he wants, and I deserve to know. Not be strung along so he can dump me for some skank one day.
I'm sure this gloom and doom will pass. I think I'm getting to the point where I want more, and someone, somewhere wants to give me what I want. All I can do is feel what I feel and let it pass. Life has a way of bringing you back to reality once in a while, and I guess I was due.
On a positive note, I'm going roller skating tonight with some girlfriends. Oh yea, we're bringing it back alright!
Thursday, March 05, 2009
So, that's me. I can't pinpoint an exact date, but the earrings I'm wearing I bought from my job that I have been at for 2 years and 2 months, so it's not too long ago. I deleted my eyes, but really they were fat too. It's embaressing to put this on the internet but it's ok because I'm never gonna look like that again. I was miserable! More than looking terrible, I felt like total shit! I'd like to note how I couldn't cross my legs. That is the single best thing about losing weight, being able to cross your legs!!!!
This is me last weekend. I know I have on a mask, but I've only been to mardi gras parties latley, and besides, you can see my fucking turtle necklace I stole from the manfriend, oh, and my rack looks nice.
Which is what brought me to post these pictures. Compliments from total strangers. I was in the gym yesterday, as always, sweat thru my shirt with a dry sports bra outline, dripping with sweat hair, and a bright red face (totally HOTTTT!) and a woman in the locker room I don't know said "you look great by the way, you are always in there working so hard!"
I said thank you so much, I dread coming in here every day....and she said "but you feel great when you do right?" I said yes, and I also feel great when I run an extra minute, or push an extra incline percent. And I thanked her again. Total stranger! I've had a few random compliments on my workouts or losing weight, and you know when I'm in the gym I watch my TV and ignore the rest of the world. Is that rude of me?
Should I also be paying attention and passing out compliments? I feel kinda jerky. But if I don't phase them out I'll just add to my list of "gym peeves". Like, this guy who is always on the eliptical next to me when I'm on the treadmill, who breaths out SO LOUD whooooooosh! Very irradically. Like he is holding his breath or something.
That's what happens when a commercial is on and I can hear others. I bet if I didn't workout in my company gym, I'd have a billion other gym peeves. At least our gym doesn't smell like sweat. And we have cable TV. And DVD players. And the showers are clean. There might be that same lady milking herself in the locker room (how long are you spose to do that cus shes been doing it for ev er) or people who run in place while they get dressed. But it's a pleasant enough experience all things considered.
Compliments from people who arent strangers are nice too, like when the manfriend says something cute like, grabbing my ass never gets old....or that he can't keep his hands off of me. I like those kind best, mostly because its mutual, and I think he's the bee's knees! I kinda have a super manfriend, and I still thank the universe for bringing us together every night. Even if it does make me mad that I fell in love when I said I was done being in love.
All I have to say today is...I follow this show religiously, watch it several times a week to catch everything, and even I said "what the fuck" last night. I am however, happy Sawyer and Juliette hooked up. And, I'm guessing that Richard and/or Ben have something to do with the babies dying on the island in the future, since in the 70's. Why isn't Richard's brain fried from all his time travel?
Was Horace a mathematician? Why is he the one in charge of sending people on and off the island? Is he Jacob? His his BABY gonna be jacob? He was the one Locke saw in his trip to Jacobs cabin, building a cabin for him and his wife. They never said the babies name. You know it's gonna be someone important though. But why was he the one dealing with Sawyer and Richard? Things that make you go hmmmmm.. The reunion. Sucked. I hate when a show hypes something up and then doesn't deliver until 2 seconds before the ending. Bullshit!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
I come back with semi wet hair, as I forgot my hair dryer, and she has her coat on. I'm thinking, she doesn't go to lunch for half an hour what the fuck is she doing? She says "can I talk to you in the atrium?" which is just outside our dept, and not private. I get up this happens:
NNG: "you know how I've been looking for a job, right"
NNG: "oh, well I have been and well I found one you know, closer to home and stuff, and it's nothing against you or anything but well I accepted it and I want to start tomorrow so what's the procedure?"
Me: "you would turn in a notice...you're not turning in a 2 week notice? It's customary when you leave a job to give notice"
NNG: "well I read in our handbook that this is an at will employer like, you could fire me whenever, and I can quit whenever"
Me: "you can quit, but your new employer should understand that you want to work out a notice at your job"
NNG: "well I kinda want to start tomorrow so..."
Me: "are you leaving right now?"
NNG: "I was gonna go to lunch"
Me: "your lunch isnt for half an hour and new girl is off today, so you have to stick to your regular lunch, let's go talk to (my boss) because I'm not sure how to handle this"
Me to boss: "hey can we talk to you?"
NNG to boss: repeats dumbass statement about finding another job.
Boss actually says she is happy for her
Boss to NNG: "well you want to turn in a notice then, right?"
NNG: "no, no offenst but I really don't care to come back to (our place of employment) so I wanted to start my new job tomorrow"
Me to boss: "she wants today to be her last day"
Boss to NNG: "well we can't stop you from leaving"
NNG: "that's what I thought, I mean I really just wanted to leave and start my new job tomorrow I told them I'd start as soon as possible"
Boss to NNG: "can I ask where you are going?"
NNG to Boss: "I don't have to tell you do I?"
Boss to NNG: "nope"
And she walked out of the conference room. Turns out my boss made that bitch leave right then. She walked her out. Who leaves a place without notice? She's 25, and old enough to know better. You don't burn bridges. You never know when you will run into a former employer that will be your new employer. You never know when you will lose a job and need a place to go back to. Whenever anyone calls for a reference, she isn't eligible for rehire, that never looks good. Stupid.
Total dick move! Bad karma! The worst part is her old coworker said she was upset she didn't get laid off. There were people who were devastated they got let go and that fucktard was disappointed. And now, who knows if we'll ever get the position filled. Or, if I'll ever get to take time off again.
Right after this happens, her old coworker, who moved up to our department in body only, says this to me
CW: "I know I havn't been in this department long, but I need to ask you a favor"
CW: "I need you to look at my butt"
Immediately I panic thinking she wants to show me a hemorroid, and I'm thinking...am I on candid camera?
CW: "I spilled pop and I want to make sure you can't see it"
P.S. I am getting a tax refund this year. I have not got one for 4 years. I have had to pay the fucking government, for working two jobs. And now that I work one, and make more money I get a refund....how is this fair? Who cares, I get money back! *squeal!!!!*
P.S.S. Should I be getting a complex, that I've been a supervisor for 1 year and had 2 people quit?
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Didn't they shove that down our throats enough in school? Ugh. Shut up.
I spent the morning trying to figure how to fix my privacy settings on Facebook (btw my manfriend is on there, and I think its pretty cute that you can say you are in a relationship with so and so...eek) and what happens? I catch a virus on my work computer. I'm a virus magnet. Even in my real life. What, the fuck? It was that one that tells you you have a virus and to download the protection, I kept saying no but it infected me. An hour later they fixed my computer at work. So, hopefully I am now protected from people who wish they were me, right? Oh, I mean my ex husband and his new skanky wife.
This weekend I went to Circuit City with the manfriend, as they are going out of business. I got this digital photo frame. Look at the retail price of $199.99. I paid $60. I charged it. Nice.
It's pretty sweet, cus you can set music to it. When I couldn't decide which one to get, that one or a kodak...and asked my manfriend he was like, I'm sure that ones good, it's not like you're buying a TV....he was only half paying attention. Then when I started playing with it at home, and he saw that it has a CF card reader, and that I can play MOVIES on it....he was kinda sad he didn't get one. Mmmm hmmm. I can take mine on vacation and stuff. Love. It.
We watched movies on Sunday, while recuperating (him, not me) from partying on Saturday. Dude at the video store saw we had "nights in rodanthe" and said thats a good movie, get out the kleenex. Yea, it sucked ass. In the way that the notebook sucked ass. Like, its good, but there really are happy endings in the world, so why make movies where sucky shit happens? We also got Zack and Miri make a porno so we didn't slit our wrists, and that was really good. They did what they promised, made a porno. We fell asleep watching max payne. Manfriend made us some cheesy macaroni. Oh, and we stopped at Coldstone where I had a peanut butter and chocolate, with reese cups medium sized cup of ice creamy goodness! Whoever invented that place is a genius. I'm probably going to have to do an extra mile a day to make up for it. Worth it!
We also hit up GFS, some food supply place where I got ground chicken burgers, at 150 calories a pop, and a Ginormous bag of broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, for $5.
While I'm not getting married any time soon.....*sigh* (im joking. relax) He did ask me again where we would live should we move in together. I say the same thing each time and that's halfway between our houses. Which is only fair. I said half an hour from your friends and family isnt bad you drive an hour to see me, and he said its cus I'm special. While this was quite cute, I sense some dissatisfaction with having to drive to see anyone else, which is either going to break us, or he'll get over it. I don't love the idea either, but it's a small sacrifice to be with the one you love, and get to wake up with them each day...... *sigh again* Neither one of us should have to compromise that, it's the fairest thing to do.
Eventually you realize that your friends grow up and have families, and don't care so much about kicking it with you every day. And, for someone who also doesn't want to have kids, I would hope he does realize this sooner rather than later. I want to start a life with the manfriend, and save money so we can travel while everyone else is strapped down with their kids. He did mention, that we had cats and a stinky dog together. Which kinda melted my heart a bit.
Monday, March 02, 2009
She then told me that things would have been a lot different if his first baby momma would have just let him get divorced (from me) instead of getting knocked up. Which implies, she did it on purpose, and that they were more of an item than he let on. Which implies that I even give a shit. She wanted me to know that she's a bitch, and that she's said that a few times "for me" as if I need someone to defend me? Who is it that's stuck dealing with the baby momma and his kid with her....hmmmm....is it me? Am I the one still having to see her face? No, I'm not, the new wife is. Sucks to be her.
I let her know, that all that was 10 years ago, I don't regret anything because it made getting over him easier. And that I'm who I am today because of what happened, and I am happy with the person I am. That was about it. I think that my being happy probably bothers them both. And all I have to say about that is Good. But, leave me out of your miserable lives!
Saturday I hung out with my manfriend, who said he wanted to change my locks, because he is cute and cares about me. We went to Heather's birthday celebration, which was a lot of fun. We drank vodka and soda waters for a good price. After about 3 hours of whiney country music, we finally got some good tunes courtesy of the manfriend, and did some booty shakin at the bar with the wooden floor. Holla.
We left around 11 to go to my "reunion" but he ended up getting sick, all over the outside of my car, yuck! Usually its me blowing chunks. I stopped and got him some ginger ale, and he was being sweet cus I was taking care of him, and then he asked if I wanted to get married. We could go to vegas and get married. I did say yes, but of course I am smart enough to know it was the vodka talking, and when I told him he said that he next day, he said "WHAT??" and called it the "M" word, and well.. that was the end of that.