"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Soul Searching...

I hear all the time, that your 30's are all about discovering who you are and your 20's you struggle to find out what your purpose is. I guess I'm right on track. I've always been a self help junkie. Add onto that my countless attempts at counseling, and antidepressants. I've stored a lot of info in my noggin, but I have never been sure what it is I'm suppose to do with it all.

I am having trouble letting go of some things that happened to me in my 20's. Mostly, the mental and physical abuse I endured for years from my exes. I've learned that you attract to you, the people that will bring up the most of your bad stuff. Someone who has the bad qualities of both your mom, and your dad. Everyone is in your life to teach you something about yourself. I've come to the conclusion, that CP is in my life to teach me how to be more myself.. to be more giving, which is a huge one for me.

He's the only one so far, who hasn't made fun of me for crying, and having emotions. I've always needed someone to be patient with me. To understand that I have been so hurt that I'm terrified to open up. When someone makes you feel safe doing that, it becomes a little more easy to try to discover who you are.

I'm afraid that if people really know me, they wont like me. Little by little I let more of me come out. If I'm having a bad day, I don't pretend that I'm not. You are suppose to come back to love when you are in the midst of an arguement, and that is exactly what we do. I can never stay mad at him, because I'm reminded of why I love him. He accepts me. It's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to disagree with things he says or does. It's ok, because every fight doesn't mean I am going to be hit, or degraded. That is a big obstacle to overcome. The fear. Understanding, that he isn't every guy who has hurt me. Or used me. If he were only right for me. That's the problem. Obviously there is purpose there. But it isn't love.

On that note, I'm reading a new book. Getting the love you want, by Harville Hendrix. He was on Oprah. He says you should tell your partner 1 thing before bed that you appreciate that day. I love that. I think that the words I LOVE YOU become habit, and lose their meaning. You know someone loves you, but why? I spend a lot of time not feeling appreciated for all that I do, becaue I don't hear it. One night I told CP that I appreciate that he made an effort to not make a mess after I cleaned for 8 hours. He appreciates that I love him, because he is hard to love.

Did you notice that my thing was somewhat backhanded? And maybe if that was all I could come up with. Is it love at all?


Samsara said...

I read it! You're so lively and yes, in your 30's girl...it IS all about you! Roll with it. You have a lot of spark!

nancycle said...


That was good to read.