"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Wednesday, April 22, 2009

You wont like me when I'm angry!...






This past weekend I was hanging with my manfriend and one of his friends, and for some reason, I said something would make me mad, and he said "do you ever get mad?"



Interesting question. We all get mad. But I really don't do it much. At all. Manfriend always mentions this, and says he wishes he could be more like me. I'm non chalant about alot of things. I guess I just realize, it's pointless to get bent out of shape over things I can't control. This took almost my lifetime to achieve though.



Which is funny because I use to be such an angry person. Like, full of rage, and so much that it contributed to my abusive relationships, sure, I can admit that much.



But even my boss compliments me on my even keel tempermant (I totally sound like a dog don't I?) all the time. I don't let things get to me. More work? We'll finish it! If I meet a challenge, I'll conquer it. If something happens that sucks, oh well, try again. There's always next time. And I'm not feeling defeated when I do it, I genuinly have a sunny disposition. I am not on medication either. I'm telling you, it's the secret.



I use to get pissed off that my ex boyfriend would leave the bathroom "a swamp". Or not hang up his towels. When I was in counseling she told me, things that are important to you aren't important to others, and I have no right to get bent out of shape about it. If it bothers me, clean it up, otherwise, let it go. Huh? The world doesn't revolve around me? I'm not most important to everyone else? What eves!



I once got so pissed off at my ex husband, that I took a butcher knife and stabbed the bed, inches from his cringing body. I wasn't trying to kill him...just scare him a bit. *grin* I let him treat me badly, and then blamed him for everything. I had a part in it. If I loved me, I wouldn't have put up with the years of shit he put me through. I would put holes in walls, or cut myself, or spend all my spare time crying, and wishing so and so would love me. I also have a million stories of stalking boys, or following them, (BTW, they were always caught with someone else when I did this...) I felt like, they treat me badly, so I'm a bad person. I treated myself badly as well.
I had issues. I didn't start turning it all around until I started reading/listening to Wayne Dyer, and read the Secret, and started meditating. I can hardly believe I'm me too. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm so happy, it's sick. I am the person I want to be. When you are happy with yourself, everything else has to logically follow suit. It seems so simple. And...well, it is!



I'm thankful every day for what I have. If I park far away, I enjoy the walk, and see it as exercise, and that I have the legs to get me into the store. I learned to give up control. You can't control people. (hard one to learn) I learned to accept my responsibilty in certain situations, "my bad". I chose consciously to look at the bright side. Eventually, this becomes second nature.



Some people may view this as being a door mat, but I think that is what happens when you lay down and let people harm you, and do nothing about it. I have learned to genuinley let things go, and not fester. I'm not going to explode one day from not being angry. (I use to explode when I was an angry person!) Yes I get mad. Yes, when I have PMS, or a bad day, I'll scream "fucking asshole, eat a dick" at you in the car. Or, if you hurt my feelings, I'll cry. But the only thing I have control over in this world is me.



And I can also recognize being more in tune to myself, that the first thing I want to do when I'm frustrated at work (besides throw my computer into the wall) is eat.



Before, I'd have just eaten and never known why. It's the first instant thought in my head. Food! So, I can let those situations stay with me all day...or month, or year....or I can feel the anger, or the sadness, and then let it go on my terms, when I am ready. That's completely my decision.



It all starts with a choice. Choose to be happy. Constantly work at being positive. See the good in everything, even the bad. And it will become second nature to you. But starting, and staying on this path is a very hard, concious, and constant thing to do. I can only say it's the best thing I ever decided to do. I'd rather laugh at life, than cry over it.
P.S. Remember how bad-ass the incredible hulk was? When he was actually incredible, and not CGI?

8 comments:

Erin said...

That is really an amazing way to look at life, and something I strive to do. I am not as bad as you used to be, lol... but I'm darn close! Anger and rage sucks... really. It is so wonderful that you are able to control that and just avoid it altogether... gosh, I just idolize you sometimes, lol, you totally have the life/temperment/exercise dedication/manfriend that I totally want!!! :-)

Mike said...

I wish I could control myself as much as you do. I hope you don't have a "relapse" and kick someone's ass... unless they really deserve it.

Amandaaa said...

Hahaha. You stabbed the bed?
I love it.

You're darn straight...it does
all start with a choice. And you
can only go from there. Rawk it, girl!

ALSO...yesss. Check out McDonalad's
Southwester grilled chicken salad.
It's awesome. If you don't use their dressing-or if you only use half of the package-you're in
smooth sailing!

merider (M.E.-rider) said...

Fizz, I couldn't agree with you more about making a choice to be happy. With that said, it takes a hell of a lot of effort too! I know I was so angry for the last two years. Since being laid off, I'm no longer angry (although I do get frustrated). I think some of us are more hardwired for anger or expression that appears angry than others are. I find sometimes, that if I just get it out and then let it go, it's no longer anger. Does that make sense?

LiLu said...

No one has EVER described me as even-keeled, that's for sure... I am a pistol, and always will be. But I'm quick to forget and even quicker to forgive :-)

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i 100% believe in the secret. for serious.

Fizzgig said...

erin:
It's all about perception. Small changes, and it is set into motion.

Mike:
I havnt relapsed lol. I have moments, but then let it go.

amandaa:
yea, I should have stabbed him, but then I couldn't look at his life and laugh because I'm so much happier.

Merider:
perfect sense. I get angry, I just let it go and dont fester about it for days until I go crazy.

Lilu:
a pistol is awesome, as long as you dont shoot people. I didnt have a safety. lol

Alexa:
Me too! Everyone who starts with it, believes it too. I wish everyone would catch on, life would be so much happier.

Fizzgig said...

erin:
It's all about perception. Small changes, and it is set into motion.

Mike:
I havnt relapsed lol. I have moments, but then let it go.

amandaa:
yea, I should have stabbed him, but then I couldn't look at his life and laugh because I'm so much happier.

Merider:
perfect sense. I get angry, I just let it go and dont fester about it for days until I go crazy.

Lilu:
a pistol is awesome, as long as you dont shoot people. I didnt have a safety. lol

Alexa:
Me too! Everyone who starts with it, believes it too. I wish everyone would catch on, life would be so much happier.