Sometimes I like to be inspiring...

Sometimes, just for a minute...I think that no one can have everything they want. It's stinkin' thinkin, and I only let it in for a minute and I immediately thank the universe for all the good in my life, and I know I deserve every peice of it. I say out loud "I deserve to be happy". And let it pass.

It's hard to be such a freaking ray of sunshine all the time. No, it's not. But I wanted everyone else to feel better if they aren't.



"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer I love this saying. The more you repeat it out loud, the more sense it makes.



Your perspective changes when you make a conscious choice to do so. In a big way for me, this is relationships. Once I started being honest with myself about what I want and need, I started looking at my current and past relationships and evaluating them with a an outside perspective. Am I really happy? Or, am I simply accepting something less than what I deserve, to make it seem like I'm in control? Because I don't think I can have it all?


Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

This phrase has meant a lot to me on my journey of self discovery. Along with "we do not become what we want, we become what we believe"

You have to truely believe in something for it to manifest. If you want love, make room for it. Don't waste your time on things that are not benefiting you. Get to know yourself. What you like. What you don't like. Try new things. Enjoy your own company. Eventually, you can share yourself with another person. Because you know who you are.

I kept love away by being in shitty relationships. By being fat. Because to me...love hurts. It took me a long time to admit that was what I was doing. I thought I was just having fun, or being carefree. But really, I was pushing the possibility of love out of my life by not loving and respecting myself. Not my body, not my mind. If I pretended I didn't want love, then it was my choice. It wasn't that no one would love me the way I was. I didn't sit around and cry all the time, that's not the unhappy I was. I was an empty unhappy. I had to devote serious time to contemplate that.

Another negative thought I often have ...and turn positive, is "why did I waste so much time being unhappy?" Instanly I follow that with "I had to learn what happiness was". I don't wish away the years I was not happy. It just feels so good right now, to have a heart full of peace, and a quiet mind, that I only wish I had started sooner, and that I can magically give it to everyone who suffers too. It's so simple to be happy. The first step is choosing to be.

It's also no secret that I didn't find my cute manfriend until I started on this path either. We both met on a path of self discovery. I said before I want to hold his hand the rest of the way. We talk a lot about wishing we'd met sooner, and we immediately follow that up with "but you wouldn't have known me" because it's true. We were both different people. I wouldn't have appreciated him, and he, me.

Taking time to reflect on your past, allows you to see why you were led down the path you were. I think this also teaches you how to trust your gut. Usually, there were signs of things to come, that you stuffed away, and ignored. In the end, you can look back and say..."I was right!"

In the end...like attracts like. If you want love, be love. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, and someone will come in and share that love with you. Put out what you want to receive. If you are only spouting out negative. Doing negative. Denying yourself what you truley want...that is in fact, what you will get in return. I often say "no one loves me the way I do". (Usually, this is when I'm buying myself jewelry in the employee store at work...and justifying it. But it's true! I can't expect someone to buy me diamonds. I buy me diamonds, and then I'm not disappointed)

Bong! (that's the gong sound)

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While I'm full of inspiration, I recommend reading "The craggy hole in my heart and the cat who fixed it" by Geneen Roth. She has a humorous/relatable way of finding the you inside that you hide from the world.

The Craggy Hole in My Heart is a tale about the crucible of love. When we deeply enter into relationship with another being-a cat, a dog, a person-we are ultimately saying, "I am willing to go through the grief of being there when you die. Or of leaving you behind when I die." The book, then, is about opening the heart enough to love full-tilt, then losing what you love most and surviving. About coming to terms with what you believe will destroy you. It's about love like the Midtown Tunnel.

I posted an excerpt written by her cat back in 2006, and it still speaks to me. About how you can give a pet, a family member, a man (or woman) a beautiful life and never think to treat yourself that well. Read it here.

You wont like me when I'm angry!...

This past weekend I was hanging with my manfriend and one of his friends, and for some reason, I said something would make me mad, and he said "do you ever get mad?"



Interesting question. We all get mad. But I really don't do it much. At all. Manfriend always mentions this, and says he wishes he could be more like me. I'm non chalant about alot of things. I guess I just realize, it's pointless to get bent out of shape over things I can't control. This took almost my lifetime to achieve though.

Which is funny because I use to be such an angry person. Like, full of rage, and so much that it contributed to my abusive relationships, sure, I can admit that much.



But even my boss compliments me on my even keel tempermant (I totally sound like a dog don't I?) all the time. I don't let things get to me. More work? We'll finish it! If I meet a challenge, I'll conquer it. If something happens that sucks, oh well, try again. There's always next time. And I'm not feeling defeated when I do it, I genuinly have a sunny disposition. I am not on medication either. I'm telling you, it's the secret.



I use to get pissed off that my ex boyfriend would leave the bathroom "a swamp". Or not hang up his towels. When I was in counseling she told me, things that are important to you aren't important to others, and I have no right to get bent out of shape about it. If it bothers me, clean it up, otherwise, let it go. Huh? The world doesn't revolve around me? I'm not most important to everyone else? What eves!



I once got so pissed off at my ex husband, that I took a butcher knife and stabbed the bed, inches from his cringing body. I wasn't trying to kill him...just scare him a bit. *grin* I let him treat me badly, and then blamed him for everything. I had a part in it. If I loved me, I wouldn't have put up with the years of shit he put me through. I would put holes in walls, or cut myself, or spend all my spare time crying, and wishing so and so would love me. I also have a million stories of stalking boys, or following them, (BTW, they were always caught with someone else when I did this...) I felt like, they treat me badly, so I'm a bad person. I treated myself badly as well.

I had issues. I didn't start turning it all around until I started reading/listening to Wayne Dyer, and read the Secret, and started meditating. I can hardly believe I'm me too. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm so happy, it's sick. I am the person I want to be. When you are happy with yourself, everything else has to logically follow suit. It seems so simple. And...well, it is!



I'm thankful every day for what I have. If I park far away, I enjoy the walk, and see it as exercise, and that I have the legs to get me into the store. I learned to give up control. You can't control people. (hard one to learn) I learned to accept my responsibilty in certain situations, "my bad". I chose consciously to look at the bright side. Eventually, this becomes second nature.



Some people may view this as being a door mat, but I think that is what happens when you lay down and let people harm you, and do nothing about it. I have learned to genuinley let things go, and not fester. I'm not going to explode one day from not being angry. (I use to explode when I was an angry person!) Yes I get mad. Yes, when I have PMS, or a bad day, I'll scream "fucking asshole, eat a dick" at you in the car. Or, if you hurt my feelings, I'll cry. But the only thing I have control over in this world is me.



And I can also recognize being more in tune to myself, that the first thing I want to do when I'm frustrated at work (besides throw my computer into the wall) is eat.



Before, I'd have just eaten and never known why. It's the first instant thought in my head. Food! So, I can let those situations stay with me all day...or month, or year....or I can feel the anger, or the sadness, and then let it go on my terms, when I am ready. That's completely my decision.



It all starts with a choice. Choose to be happy. Constantly work at being positive. See the good in everything, even the bad. And it will become second nature to you. But starting, and staying on this path is a very hard, concious, and constant thing to do. I can only say it's the best thing I ever decided to do. I'd rather laugh at life, than cry over it.

P.S. Remember how bad-ass the incredible hulk was? When he was actually incredible, and not CGI?

Bout to be a what? Girl fight!...

Friday I had to wear my supervisor hat, and actually do some mediating. Had a fight at work. Good thing I've taken 10 diversity classes, and a conflict management class. Right? Because I still did what I would do normally do, and didn't apply much of what I learned. I went to the gym to workout, and when I came back, no one was on the "floor" to answer phones. I saw new girl, and coworker holed up in a VP office. I asked them to come out.


Coworker comes up to me and says: can I do new girl's job because I have nothing to do, and she is behind.

Me: I'll talk to new girl about it.

Coworker: New girl is going to lunch cant I do it while she's gone?

Me: I'll talk to new girl after her lunch break, thanks for your offer.

Coworker to new girl: She said no new girl.

Coworker to me: Im going to pray for you because you have a lot coming down the line.

Me....huh?

I really don't like when people say they are going to pray for me. It implies that I am doing something wrong, that I need to be forgiven for, or I can't handle my own life. That is MY interpretation.

Seems like they were scheming but it turned out to be quite the opposite.


Protocol is this. I get the girls planner pages every day, I asess their workloads, and if I feel they are behind, I offer help, move work around, or have one help the other. That's why I get paid the big bucks. I will intervene here and say new girl had missed a day of work because her fiance is sick.



New girl gets back from lunch, and I decide to move our one on one (meetings we have to have every week to "check in" it's a corporate thing which is pretty awesome) to right then. I find out coworker pulled new girl into an office after thinking she disrespected her, and told new girl that her stress is affecting her at work, and she needs to watch her personal calls before she gets our privliges taken away. New girl felt threatened, and coworker was being very rude. This went on and on and the bottom line is, coworker had no right to do what she did.


New girl was visibly shaken. I told her never go into an office with a coworker w/o a supervisor, because she has no back up if it escalates. I spent the day smoothing over the mess. The bottom line is coworker was out of line.

Coworker is older than me and new girl, and has always had a problem with my being promoted jussst beneath the surface. We had friction from the get-go. It festers up from time to time, and I think when new girl says things like...do boys have a colon...or debbie gibson is the oldies, and her latest "OMG, Dr. Pepper is good", (never. tried. dr. pepper.ever.) it frustrates coworker. She has no tolerance for people who have different views. We almost got into it one time when I was talking about buddhism. (she's a holy roller, which is her choice and I don't put her down for it) So, we don't talk about it anymore. That is why she got in the "I'll pray for you".

One thing I know, I can't change how coworker views the world. I can only deal with my reaction to it. Ommmmmm......


And, now for some random pictures!

One of the cutest cats ever, is my Pickachu. Here he is with his most favoritest toy in the world his stuffed froggie. He carries it around and cries. This is him biting the froggy cus I think it was a bad froggy. Die froggy, die.

I got this lantern from my Momma for Xmas. I hung it in my bedroom. It's pretty sweet, it holds a tealight. Romannnntic.


























This is a not so fabulous picture of my stars. Manfriend got me the one up top, its a mirrored star. One day I'll have lots of them.

P.S. I'll use the force and tell you to tivo Ellen today (if you have real Tivo you can do this online so you have no excuse) because Wayne Dyer is on. I'm super excited. You should be too.

Just Call me Weezie, Cuz I'm movin up!...

So, I'm minding my biz at work yesterday, a.k.a working, I actually DO have a job people, and my boss comes up and says, come see me. And leaves. Say huh?

So I see her. She fills me in that another department (not the one that I had previously thought) was going to merge with our department. What this means to me is that I am getting two new people to boss around, I mean, supervise, and ummm...lead in a direction which will benefit the department and the company. I'm excited, because I get to figure out how to merge our two areas, and come up with ways to streamline their processes, like I've done with ours. Project!

What I'm not excited about is that they aren't new, and they have jobs here, and I have to also learn how to do theirs. And it kiiiiiiiinda intimidates me. Supervising someone on a job I know nothing about. And that one girl is a control freak, and my boss told me "on paper" she is "over" the other girl. I can see us butting heads. I get the impression, that I might get one of the girls and the other one will work in my bosses area. Confused? Me too. They tend to like to keep us guessing at work.

When I met with my manager, and my director, and the two new girls....they had no idea that they were going to be under me. When the director told them I'm the administrative supervisor, they were all like....ohhhhhhh....and gave me the once over. Whatev'es peeps. Eat it. Your new boss says whatev'es, and peeps, and I'm totally awesome.

Today I meet with them, and my boss. Then starting tomorrow I sit with the one girl for an hour and increase by an hour each day. I have a little over 10 days to learn her job.

Funny how things happen isnt it?

You know I have been listening to the power of intention. (by Wayne Dyer whom I love) There is a part about how you can't go around chasing things and expect them to happen. (basically the law of attraction) You have to be. Learning to be is the hard part. Instead of looking for love. Be love, and it will find you. Instead of looking for success, be successful, and success will find you. Things always seem to come so easily to some people. And this is why.

My favorite..instead of looking for happiness.....be happy. My favorite fortune cookie on my computer monitor at work is "Don't pursue happiness - create it".

How true.