"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Breaking Down...

It's bound to happen once in a while. A breakdown. It's certainly not the first time I've had a meltdown of sorts. That's for damn sure. Life tends to be too much sometimes. And you have to have some sort of outlet. Mine is freaking out. This morning, I couldn't find my glasses. I am on such a timed schedule, that absolutely every second counts. Can't be late to work. I was late to work. I woke up my Mom this morning bitching because I was late and couldn't find my glasses.

I am in love. Sure. I love that guy with all my heart, and to think about not being with him makes my heart hurt and my eyes well up. Like now. To think about how much more difficult being with him is becoming, hurts. I feel like I am a burdon in his life, because he has so much going on. I have to tell myself that to him he does have a lot going on. I have a really hard time with that, because I have very little personal time not spent working. Fun? Relax? So to me, his life seems like cake. Working 3 days a week? I wish. Everyone is different and I have to be better about understanding that. Compassion. It's a struggle for me sometimes.

Then, there is the distance. Which keeps coming up. I am happy for him buying his own place, but you know he is going to be even further away from me? That really sucks! Then, I can't move closer unless I make more money. I can't make more money where I am. Working so much is killing me, a slow...horrible death. It's like he wants me to be part of his life, but I have no idea how this will happen. I'm stuck. When we had that talk about "us" and how we would continue our relationship with the distance thing, I said I planned on moving.

The way we feel, and act, and talk, you'd think we were inseperable, but we aren't. I wonder if we are just living a fantasy? Why does someone have to be what I've been looking for, only to be nearly impossible to see a future with? Why do I have to feel the way I do about someone that is so inaccessable?

Then there is my Mom telling me that if he wants me to be a part of his life he would want to live with me. Yea. Moms are usually right. But for us to do that even if it were an option now, is to uproot one of our lives. It isn't just in the next town over. I just cried it all out to my coworker. I don't know what to do. I deserve happiness as much as he does. I just don't see that happiness happening anytime soon. I'm so tired of struggling. So tired of being stressed out. So tired of being tired. When does my time ever come? How much more do I have to sacrifice of myself to get what I deserve out of life?

I come first. I need to remember that. And do what is best for me. And right now, what is best for me is staying put at my place. Because I can't afford to move. I can't afford the cost of moving. I can't afford the security deposit. I can't afford more rent. I can't afford taking time off work to do it. The idea has always been to move closer to work. But, work's not going anywhere. So what's the rush? I can't put more stress on myself and try to rush it.

If it's meant to be for us, it will be. I can't force it. I just know that neither of us thinks a relationship should be work. They don't have to be. Ive been there and I know it's not what I want. There is the usual maintenance, but working? No thank you. The relationship is fantastic. It's the finding time to nurture it, and the travel to do so.

Universe. Quit shitting on me. I work so hard. Please, bring some good into my life. I deserve so much more than I am getting, and I am a good person. And I want to be with my guy more than anything.

1 comment:

EC said...

Awww (((HUGS)))

You do deserve something better than you have gotten that is for sure. You'll get it - it just takes time, but you're working hard towards it, and when it comes you'll be that much more appreciative!

Ok, enough of my motivation talk - yeah, it sucks... and I know part of you knows/thinks that your mother is right, but we only read what you write, so we can't judge. I can only say that maybe he isn't ready, maybe he won't ever be, but when he is you'll know it :)