"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

All I Need's a Falling Star...

I wish I didn't wake up this morning with an 80 pound head. I wish I hadn't started my period, and ruined my pretty sheets. I wish my eyes weren't swollen, and disgusting. I wish I didn't have horrific cramps. I wish my heart didn't hurt. I wish people would understand. I wish I were smarter. I wish I didn't have such high hopes. I wish I could turn around and go back home into my bed. Where everything is OK. Secret. Peaceful. Private. Cats to comfort me with purrs. A dog to cuddle.

I wish everything didn't make me cry. I wish people wouldn't ask if I'm OK. I will be, but right now, no. I'm not OK at all. I wish I knew that I will be better. I wish I knew that it wasn't for nothing. I wish I didn't have to have a broken heart. I wish I didn't know I still had a heart. I wish I really felt the way I acted. I wish I didn't have to work two, maybe three jobs. I wish my brother would get better. I wish I had my own space. I wish I didn't have to take care of people who don't care for themselves.

I wish someone would take care of me. I wish I could stop crying. I wish I didn't worry. I wish I didn't care. I wish this was easy. I wish I'd learn my lesson.

I'm having a bad day. He's gone. He never came over last night. He called at 9:30 to tell me he had no money for me. And the title to his car is at his ex wives house. Asked if I'd come visit him..in rehab. What? I let him know that I'd be too busy working to visit him. The fact that he didn't even come to say goodbye to me for his own selfish reasons is what hurts the most. I thought we were friends. I guess I was wrong.

After everything I did for him, he hung up on me. And that was how it ended. Two years, a (broken) engagement, and a lot of drama, ending in a friendship, and it's over. Nevermind that we weren't "together" I thought that trying to move on would make it hurt less for me. It doesn't. This should be another lesson to me. You can't be friends with exes like that. Bad news.

I can't wait til tomorrow, when I take my brother to the hospital. I will have some time alone, to handle my emotions. That is all I want. Some time alone. I wish I didn't feel guilty for that. I wish I didn't feel bad for not having the money to make my brother better. I wish I could fix everything. I'd like to start with myself. Today I need it. I've been going along pretty good despite the situation, and making improvements for myself. This feels like a step back for me, but I'm trying to let myself have the feelings I'm feeling. I'm suppose to. I can't stuff them and ignore them, and let them come out another way.

Today, I am ok. Today, I am surviving. I am worthy of a good life, and it will come to me.


EC said...

It is hard and I'm sorry for that :( You can't just stop having feelings for him, but it sucks that he is such a jerk, or maybe not a jerk, just a substance abuser. It just makes them jerks :(

Hope it gets better for you soon!

Mon said...

yea, hes a jerk alright!