"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

We Interrupt This Breakdown for an update...

I miss the rain. The rain makes puddles, and one could trip, and fall face-down into a puddle and find some peace. I'm having a bad existance right now. I was doing so well with myself. Upbeat, working out, eating good, feeling good, laughing and carrying on at work, having fun at home. And as is typical with me, it takes one thing to throw me off-balance. One "crisis" can uproot my whole flow. And throw me into a hopeless, depressed state. Well, to be fair this time, it's not just one thing. It's a bunch of things having to do with my brother.

Stuff I'm forbidden to even talk about publicly. The gist of it is, my brother's got some serious issues, and I'm soley responsible for him and his well-being. And even that isn't as bad as it really is. I spent half a day looking for ways to help him, only to have the ideas shot down by everyone involved. No one wants to find help, but they sure want to tell me the help I did find, wouldn't be good enough for him. The simple problem is, he is still in the hospital. Having to go visit him. Take him food. Worry about the procedures they do. Then, when he gets out, he's staying with me. I have to learn how to clean his wound, change bandages, and hook up this vaccume to it to suck out the pus and blood. You're jealous.

Add to the stress of my brother, which is a truck-ton of bullshit, the fact that I havn't slept for days. When I do I have nightmares about me, about my family. I havn't had time to workout. for 3 days. Pile on a super-busy-shitty week at work. Then give a few dashes of your roomate not getting paid for their job. Freak out, and wonder how are you going to care for your brother, when you can barely support yourself? How can you pay the increased bills, when your roomate isn't helping, but sucking up the energy? Think about the mess you have to get your brother out of. Call yourself a fucking idiot, for trusting said-roomate. Beat yourself up, as only you can do with such precision. Let all of this soak in, and then leave the house to have your nervous breakdown. In private.

Go to work after spending time at the hospital, unpacking brother's wound machine, wash 4 more loads of his laundry, dry, fold and hang them. Steam clean your carpets, because now, the dog has also taken to not giving a shit about life and she's pissing everywhere she can. Argue with your roomate about not having the money he owes you, take a bath at 11:30 and go to bed. Toss and turn, and realize that you think you threw away your $300 earrings. Yea. Last week. I turned the house upside-down last night.

Go to work and have to re-do a project 16 times because your boss gives you the wrong info. The whole company uses said project, and no one does anything to take responsibilty for the fuck ups off of you. Then, have another manager get in your shit cus you didn't FILE A CONFERENCE CALL LOG. Seriously. This was the breaking point for the day, at 9 am, I proceeded to lose my shit at work. So, I had to tell my boss everything that's going on. She feels super bad, and said to take whatever time I need. Sure. Go ahead and have time off work, just don't expect to get paid. No thank you.

My brother needs more help than I can give him. I have a long list of things that need to be done to help him. He's not working obviously, while he is healing. He'll be relying on me. Me..who feels overwhelmed and unable to handle the task. When did two wrongs make a right? When did we start letting the blind lead the blind? Have I mentioned, that my dog is partialy blind too? Because I can't count on her to lead me anywhere. I'm not mentally stable myself. Obviously.

It's a hopeless situation. There is no possible way 1 person can fix the problems he has. Have I ever mentioned, how I don't want kids? Um, I think I have. Why? Because they are too much fucking work. Because if it's ok for my brother to live how he does, and we still love him, and bend over backwards to help him, why can't I get some handouts?

I get really sick of hearing how hard life is. People who think life is hard are fucking idiots. I have no compassion for them. All you have to do is live. How hard is living? Really? Your body does it for you. Feed me. Let me pee. I have to shit. Phew I stink. I'm tired. Oh yea, is that beathing I detect? I don't even have to remember to breathe? Damn! Life is easy. It sort of just happens.

It's what YOU make of it YOURSELF, that makes it difficult. Get a job. Go to work. Live somewhere that makes you happy. Have some fun. Surround yourself with people you like. I mean, seriously, what's hard about it? You don't make enough money, but you want to enjoy yourself sometimes, and have nice things? Get another job. Can't get another job? Get a second job. Quit complaining about what you dont have, and learn how to get it for yourself. Stop expecting other people to support you and your lack of ambition for your own life. If you dont give a shit about yourself, no one else will. I've been down. I've been out. I can certainly see how PEOPLE and CHEMICAL IMBALANCES can bring you down. But life? It's not life. Get some mental freaking help, and move on.

And that my friends, is the mood I've been in latley!


Bianca said...

Well, *hug*.

bethie said...

I feel ur pain sista. Take care of yourself and everything will be ok.

Anonymous said...

Ummmm, we are on it too..?? Trying to figure out what's best for him. Just because we are not there in person, does not mean we aren't with you. We can't throw away a lawsuit to fly to Ohio at this moment.