"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Ask, And Ye Shall Receive...

Remember back when I was complaining about how I had no compassion for people, and it was something I wanted to learn. And then I was even looking at tattoos about compassion. I guess I should've really thought about that before I put those words out into the world. Because that is just what I got, lot's of ways to learn compassion.

On one hand, I've got my brother who I just want to shake until his head is so rattled, he get's some sense. He really is so far down in his life right now, that I think coming back up seems impossible to him. I talked to him a few times about it, to no avail.

CP, on the other hand, is still the same old CP he has been since I met him. I mean, he has changed some aspects of his life, but he is still an addict. He got into some trouble for stealing, for drugs. He claims he "slipped up" thinking he could handle doing it again. I really have no pity for him whatsoever. He already got into trouble this past winter, for drugs, and so this time, he has to go to rehab for 90 days. There were signs, but I knew he was being tested each week so as usual I doubted myself. Everything I said was "off" was truely "off" because he was using drugs again. He would've been caught with the test eventually, it was only a matter of time.

Wednesday, I finally had a breakdown, and then a panic attack over all of this bullshit. It's only the second time I had one, and it doesn't get easier either. I'd spent the day trying to find some sort of short term disability, or financial help for my brother, because I can't afford to support him, my Mom and sister cant keep sending money. There is no help. If I have any advice for people in Ohio, get short term disability on your health insurance, because the state has no care for you unless you are 'disabled' at least a year. They actually asked me, if my brother could work sitting down. I said, um, probably, but he is attached to a machine sucking blood and puss out of his leg, and I don't think people would enjoy that. Then they said, well if he loses his job he can get unemployment then. Seriously? Encourage people not to work, and the sad thing is, he would be better off. He'd get FREE health care, and FREE money!

But.. you can run out and have 50 kids, and be in perfect health, but too fucking lazy to work, and the government will just hand you a check each month, and some food stamps. I'm seriously disgusted by this now. I never liked the idea, but, after dealing with this shit with my brother? Unbelievable.

This was all too much, I literally thought I was dying, my heart hurt, I couldn't breathe. Then, it all came out. I started driving in the car (my only privacy) and bawling to some Elton John song. But it didn't stop. I really needed it, because I've been holding it in for too long.

I have a lot to handle with my brother. He has a bunch of issues with his home that need fixed. he has no income while he is off work, he has no money period, no bank account. No sense of how to take care of himself at all. I remember being that way when I got divorced, I know it's scarey, but I told him that now, my independance is my biggest accomplishment. I did something I never thought I could do. I tried to encourage him to call his boss and save his job. If he gets let go, he loses his health insurance. But, he doesnt think about those things. So, I'm stuck worrying about it.

CP. I dunno what to say. In some ways, he is all I have in the way of help with my brother, in that he helps me clean the house, takes him places if I am busy, and of course, the financial part of it. Without his money every week, I'm not going to be able to afford to keep my brother with me. I mean, I can, but it will be tight, and I don't want to have to sacrifice for someone else when he wont even pick up a phone and call his boss to save his job. I'm working two jobs, worrying about CP and his drug problems, and my brother and his mental/health issues. I'm working two jobs to pay off my debt. I am so fucking sick of it. So. sick. Of it. I mean, I see no end in sight with my brother still at my place.

Maybe that is selfish. Maybe that's why he has to go away? Maybe my letting him stay with me, when his family disowned him is to show me that I am a good person? I have to learn to stand on my own again, not just financially. I think I have that part down pat. Maybe I work three jobs. Maybe I'll win the lottery? Maybe I'll believe people when they tell me I'm a good person for taking care of these two? Maybe I'll like taking care of my brother. Maybe I'll succeed in helping him, and it'll make me feel good, ala "My name is Earl" style. I know that I can see the problem with my brother, and relate in a way, because I had many of his issues when I got divorced.

The problem with CP? I take his problem way too personally, as usually happens when you are in a relationship with an addict. Even as a friend. I know I'm tired of being lied to. It seemed that everything he said was a lie. And, I mean...everything. I'm going to start to move on with my romantic life. Maybe not romantic, but I'm not closing myself off from other men. No matter how that makes CP feel. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. Just because he is stuck in the past, doesn't mean I'm going to be. He shouldn't have the luxury of me always being there. I plan to be a friend to him, and that's all it can be. I can't keep getting emotionally invested in this relationship. I have to be smarter than that. I've only dated alchoholics/drug addicts in my entire life, minus one guy. So, you would think I'd wise up by now.

Hello, universe? Ok, I get it. Stop with the avalanche of personal criseses now. I'm working on it.


Wally Banners said...

Date me you sound hot and I'm drug-free and not one of those preachy dudes :)

MzAriez said...


I am thinking about you. I hope things start working in your favor and you find the peace and success you deserve.

I see the wisdom in you. Your strength and compassion has encouraged me even though we have never met.

Keep the faith in yourself. You can do it.

Take care.

EC said...

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry you have to go through all of this :( You will get through this, and if CP does go away you can do this on your own! you are a strong woman and you will get by just great.

Mon said...

I'm also way complicated! But I think that's obvious!

Thank you! sometimes its easy to lose sight of your true selfe!

Thank you! I'm sure I can, I'm just tired of it. But, maybe this is my one last hurrah...One can dream.