"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Exes and O-My God Shut Up!

First things first. Thank god Sanjaya is off American Idol. I think I could hear the cheers across the country. If one of those other kids went home instead, I would've quit watching. Now my Blakey can win!

So I went to get my hair done, and as usual I get some good dish at the hair shop. Guess What? My ex husband is getting married on Saturday. Married. In two days. Lawfully wedded. Husband and wife. Wife. Now, like 2 years ago when I thought he might be married, I cried for days over it. Dayyyyyys. I didn't cry this time, because I'm not really sad. I think I feel a
little disappointed for what I thought our lives would be at this point in time, but I'm not really sad over a loss. I know we weren't meant to be together. Deep down.

I do know he isn't happy. When we talked 2 months ago, he told me how he didn't love her, and that's why they broke up and put the house up for sale. He didn't want to get married again. He gets sick of being with 1 person, he hates it. He can't be faithful. All the shit he told me when we were getting divorced. They cheated on each other. They fight and beat the crap out of each other. Hmmm...it sounds strangely like me and him. I wonder if he realizes he's marrying his ex wife, minus the fact that I'm not butt ugly. Well, that was mean.

What I did say about this whole thing, is that I might have been through some bullshit in my life, especially with him. I might be divorced, single, recently un-engaged, but you know what? I've learned from every relationship I have had, and I don't think he can say the same thing. Not if he is marrying someone like he is.

None of his friends like her. (they didn't like me either) They boycotted his bachelor party. He told Hair girl he was done partying. (he did that for me too) She asked if I wanted to be her date to the reception. I declined. I couldn't see that. I just couldn't see him "happy" with another girl. I guess I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. And I very well could spend my weekend crying over it, but I think I'll be OK. It's not that I want him, or even really think fondly of him, but I think it's something only an ex-wife can understand. It's been 8 years.

I spent that 8 years dating 5 guys. Living with three of them. Engaged to one. He spent those years having two kids, and staying with the second baby momma for 7 years. Seven. That's how long we were together. I spent 4 of those years living on my own. I never thought I could make it on my own, but here I am. Doing it every day! Men can't seem to do the same. They need to be taken care of. Most of them.

When I went to his house recently, he had fun showing it off to me, and trying to make me feel bad for not having my own house anymore. I lost OUR house to a foreclosure. He said I should own something by now. I said "I'm on my own, and I have been pretty much since you left me. I don't need someone to take care of me, and you have this because you have a girlfriend living with you."

He hasn't made anything on his own. He stayed with his Daddy until apparently, he moved in with this other chick. And, I have no children tying me down. I'm a free bird. I'm proud of me. I went from a codependant mess, who couldn't function without dysfunction in my
life, to an independant woman who hates the drama. I didn't know how to shop on my own. Sleep on my own. Pay the bills on my own. Live on my own. Be on my own. Think on my own.

I'm proud of myself for learning from everything. Taking the time to myself when I needed it, and bettering the person that I am today. The only regret I can say that I have, is that I have never loved anyone like him. I've been too afraid, the pain from that separation was unbearable. It was the only time I thought I would actually die from a heartbreak. I guess if I could change one thing about myself, I would get a little of my ability to love and trust back. I shouldn't let him still hold that after all of this time. He never deserved it to begin with.

Married. On Saturday. The fucking bastard. (that's more like it!)


EC said...

I don't think even if 40 years passed that it would ever get easier seeing an ex get married. I know I'm at the point where I am cordial with my soon to be ex husband, and I'm over my initially hatred, but I would ball my eyes out if he told me he was getting married. I can't even handle him telling me he has a date. It's like the jealousy will always be there, even if I don't want him. I guess if you get married you think it will be forever and when it isn't it just pisses you off when you see them marrying someone else. Who knows, i don't know. (((HUGS)))

You're definitely better without him anyhow :)

Mon said...

yea, it definatly is different than a relationship that ends. The legality, all the plans. It just makes me sick because he didnt want to be married. And I know itll happen for me some day. And when it does, it'll be the right time, and right person!

Janet said...

It sounds like you stayed by yourself for the right reasons rather than with someone else for the wrong ones. That line is paraphrased from one of my favorite movies, Some Kind of Wonderful, in case you were interested:)

I'm not sure who I want to win AI at this point. I just can't get in to this season though of course I watch. I was definitely part of the group that cheered now that Sanjaya is gone.