Luck O' The Polish...

For St. Patty's Day, I wasn't blessed with the Luck O The Irish, no leprechauns brought me a pot of gold. Being of polish descent, I usually get the big screw, and in turn, have a story. I worked at the police station until 11. I went home, let the dog out, fed the animals, and made the 30 minute trek to meet my friends in the valley. Everyone else was also in the valley so parking took forever. I got to the bar at 12:30. I had a couple drinks, and some drama started, so we all had to leave.

Now, I peed before I left, but that's a long freaking drive. I had to go *SO* bad. I live in the boondocks, and the expressway is desolate. No gas stations to stop at. But one. If I can just make it to that bright Citgo in the darkness. A few seconds more. Hold on...hold on..I pull into the only gas station for miles. And the inside is fucking closed. Dammit.

I get back into the car, and start thinking of what I can do. I'm 15 minutes from home still. It's getting increasingly harder to hold it. I thought, I'm going to pee in something, what do I have? Now, my friend Bubba was able to pee in a cup once while driving, so I thought there was nothing to it. I had nothing. Nada. Wait, there's this plastic bag.

So, I pulled down my pants and underwear, while driving, and positioned the bag underneath me. I thought there's no way I can hold myself up enough to do this, and it 's going to just run all over my seat, and my car is going to smell like piss forever.

Have. To. Pee. I start thinking of side streets I can get off, and relieve myself. No, with my luck, the second I pull over, a cop will catch me pissing outside. There was a guy hauled in last night at the police station for pissing in a parking lot outside the Irish Exchange. I didn't wanna be that girl.

I keep driving. At this point, I'm hugging the steering wheel. Positioned perfectly to avoide any accidental leakage. Almost home. Almost home. Breathe. I finally just tell myself, that I can make it, and it'll be ok, if I need to, I can pee in my driveway. I take the exit before my normal exit, because it runs the back roads to my house, and I didn't want to drive "thru town" with my pants and underwear down around my knees, and wind up passing a cop. My one-horse town has nothing better to do than harass late night drivers. See the last time they harassed me here.

I'm off the expressway. I tell myself, you'll be home in one minute. I started counting to appease my bladder. One, two, three....Stop sign. Four, five, six...Oh god, by now, I'm shivering I have to go so bad. I make it to the last stop sign to the main road. Two blocks from home. One car passes. Another car passes, oh fuck, it's a mother fucking cop. I'm turning left. I have on my signal. I'm not doing anything wrong except trying not to piss myself.

I wait for him to pass, and I turn left. Now, I'm behind him. With my pants down around my knees. One block from home. He turns right into the church at the end of my street. The sight of my last pullover. Does a quick turn, and BAM, Now, he's behind me. I think FUCK! He's going to pull me over, my first thought is to try to pull up my pants, but then I think no, you'll swerve and he'll for sure pull you over. How can you explain how you are not drunk, but you have your pants down because you had to pee so bad you were going to pee in a plastic bag that you are now sitting on, in your car, while driving.

I thought I just got off work at the police station, I can tell them that, they can call if they want to. I turn on my right turn signal. I'm on my street. Finally. I can pee. And honestly, all I can think is, if he pulls me over, I'm going to have to piss my pants. The bastard turns right behind me. I made a quick left into my driveway, and up to my garage, and quickly turn off my car.

Safety. The police car sat at the bottom of my hill, until I exited my car. I couldn't make it obvious I had no pants on, so I pulled them up enough to where my coat covered the gap that would be my bare ass. Put the key in the door, turned out the light, and they drove off. I ran upstairs to the bathroom. And listen people, peeing never felt so good.Seriously, in no other town, is driving at 2 a.m. such a horrible thing to do. I have no idea why he felt the need to turn around and follow me. He was behind another perfectly good late-night driver. What was so special about me? I followed all the rules.