This is one of those stories, you don't want to believe. Yesterday I wrote this somber post below, about how I needed a change in my life. I never had time to post it, because I've been busy. By the end of the day, I decided I just havn't been myself latley. I'm tired of being in a funk, and I remembered the only thing that seemed to inspire me in the past several months was The Secret. I used it to get a job, and money. So I thought I'll go to Borders, and see how much the book is. It was $24, but half off. I thought, if that's not a sign I don't know what is. So I bought it. I went home, and started reading. I watched the Tivo'd Oprah I saved on the topic. The Ellen. And then, it was the topic on The View yesterday. All signs lead to The Secret.
While I was reading, I thought about a girl at work, who is going through a similar thing as me right now. I thought about how I should tell her about The Secret, even though it didn't seem like her cup of tea. I started making my dream board. I wrote down phrases to remember. Like Believe. Have Faith. I made my polar opposite list. Then I started to write what I wanted. Well, duh, I dunno what I want. That's my problem. The book said to start with what your grateful for and it'll flow from there. And it did. I now have a list of what I want. On a sidenote I spent this past weekend at work looking up condo's that I couldn't afford, imagining myself living there. That's part of the secret, and I didn't even know it. Dream big. It will be mine. It all goes along with the motto I have right there in my sidebar.
Anyways, so I get to work and when my coworker comes in I show her my book, and I say "I'm learning the secret". The look she had was of disbelief. See...she watched the movie last night, and was equally as inspired. We took this as a sign for us to move forward. And now, how I felt before today........
I think I'm depressed. I've been down this road before, and it seems all-too familiar. I was diagnosed with depression oh, about 8 years ago, and have stopped medication because like most people, I thought I was fine...you know, because medication makes you feel fine. And, I have had a lot of distractions over the years to keep me from thinking about myself.
A three year relationship with someone who was abusive to me. After a seven year one that was equally shitty, that ended in divorce. Then, the two year carrying-on with the sex part of that relationship. Thinking, that's all I need. I seem to recall while it was nice to pretend I was a man and just have the sex with no emotions...there were definately still emotions there. Only worse. Why doesn't he want me? Why am I good enough to have sex with, but nothing else? For a while it was fun, and empowering. But in the end it made me feel reallly bad about myself.
A four year relationship with someone I don't think I really loved, but he loved me and that made me feel like I had worth. The bad part of that was, I felt unfulfilled for a long time. I was able to blame the way I felt on him. It's always easier that way.
Most recently, CP. His problems with money, and drugs served as a pretty good cover for my own problems. Much like my ex-husband. Letting someone continuously disappoint you, lie to you, and hurt you, leads to a lot of self-hatred. Yes, he did those things to me and they hurt, but I accepted it.
And now, I'm suppose to be OK with it. Forget about everything that happened, and start fresh with him? I can't. I've told him all this. I'm not ready for any relationship. I need a better one with myself. I worked hard over the years to put all the peices of my shattered self-image back together. Only to repeat old patterns, and wind up in the same exact place. I don't like myself like that. I don't want to be dependant on someone else. And like I told CP, I don't want to be with someone who is OK with me not liking me.
My ex-husband once told me, that the way I handled the death of his friend forever changed his feelings towards me. Nevermind the many family tragedies I helped pull him through. That one thing made a huge difference in his life. I never believed him. Until now. One thing CP said to me runs like a tape in my mind every single day. It was after he moved out. And after I lost my job. When I needed someone the most, he was not there for me. On top of everything I was dealing with in my own life, he told me he had been back on drugs for months. Yet, I still wanted him to be in my life. He told me that he knows now, no matter what he does to me, I will always take him back.
Always? I don't think anyone always does anything. It made me realize, how he saw me. Basically, I'm a doormat. I thought I hung that job title up years ago, but apparently, it fit so well, I like to keep putting it on. Of course, he says he didn't mean it that way, but it really doesn't matter what he thinks, it's how I feel, how I took it. The same way you can look at a person and see perfection, they can sit at home and hate themselves without anyone having a clue.
I need to find happiness on my own. I know I can, I've done it before. It's not easy, because being alone forces you to examine yourself. I've had a lot of time for that, and it's just what I needed. I've been feeling like isolating myself. I don't do anything I use to enjoy doing. And no one can save me. This is my thing, and I have to deal with it. Me and CP have been going back and forth over being together, not being together. Living together, not living together.
He doesn't understand that I can't just forget everything that happened. He may have changed a lot since being off of drugs, but I have too. He use to live with a clouded mind, and I did too. Addiction affects everyone you are close to. I can see clearly now. And I don't want to be the kind of person that allows people to hurt me anymore. I don't want to keep building walls around my heart, because I miss out on what I crave the most, and that's love. Passionate. Stomach flops, always on my mind, can't get enough. Safe. Secure. Love.