"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

What a Difference a Day Makes....

This is one of those stories, you don't want to believe. Yesterday I wrote this somber post below, about how I needed a change in my life. I never had time to post it, because I've been busy. By the end of the day, I decided I just havn't been myself latley. I'm tired of being in a funk, and I remembered the only thing that seemed to inspire me in the past several months was The Secret. I used it to get a job, and money. So I thought I'll go to Borders, and see how much the book is. It was $24, but half off. I thought, if that's not a sign I don't know what is. So I bought it. I went home, and started reading. I watched the Tivo'd Oprah I saved on the topic. The Ellen. And then, it was the topic on The View yesterday. All signs lead to The Secret.

While I was reading, I thought about a girl at work, who is going through a similar thing as me right now. I thought about how I should tell her about The Secret, even though it didn't seem like her cup of tea. I started making my dream board. I wrote down phrases to remember. Like Believe. Have Faith. I made my polar opposite list. Then I started to write what I wanted. Well, duh, I dunno what I want. That's my problem. The book said to start with what your grateful for and it'll flow from there. And it did. I now have a list of what I want. On a sidenote I spent this past weekend at work looking up condo's that I couldn't afford, imagining myself living there. That's part of the secret, and I didn't even know it. Dream big. It will be mine. It all goes along with the motto I have right there in my sidebar.

Anyways, so I get to work and when my coworker comes in I show her my book, and I say "I'm learning the secret". The look she had was of disbelief. See...she watched the movie last night, and was equally as inspired. We took this as a sign for us to move forward. And now, how I felt before today........

I think I'm depressed. I've been down this road before, and it seems all-too familiar. I was diagnosed with depression oh, about 8 years ago, and have stopped medication because like most people, I thought I was fine...you know, because medication makes you feel fine. And, I have had a lot of distractions over the years to keep me from thinking about myself.

A three year relationship with someone who was abusive to me. After a seven year one that was equally shitty, that ended in divorce. Then, the two year carrying-on with the sex part of that relationship. Thinking, that's all I need. I seem to recall while it was nice to pretend I was a man and just have the sex with no emotions...there were definately still emotions there. Only worse. Why doesn't he want me? Why am I good enough to have sex with, but nothing else? For a while it was fun, and empowering. But in the end it made me feel reallly bad about myself.

A four year relationship with someone I don't think I really loved, but he loved me and that made me feel like I had worth. The bad part of that was, I felt unfulfilled for a long time. I was able to blame the way I felt on him. It's always easier that way.

Most recently, CP. His problems with money, and drugs served as a pretty good cover for my own problems. Much like my ex-husband. Letting someone continuously disappoint you, lie to you, and hurt you, leads to a lot of self-hatred. Yes, he did those things to me and they hurt, but I accepted it.

And now, I'm suppose to be OK with it. Forget about everything that happened, and start fresh with him? I can't. I've told him all this. I'm not ready for any relationship. I need a better one with myself. I worked hard over the years to put all the peices of my shattered self-image back together. Only to repeat old patterns, and wind up in the same exact place. I don't like myself like that. I don't want to be dependant on someone else. And like I told CP, I don't want to be with someone who is OK with me not liking me.

My ex-husband once told me, that the way I handled the death of his friend forever changed his feelings towards me. Nevermind the many family tragedies I helped pull him through. That one thing made a huge difference in his life. I never believed him. Until now. One thing CP said to me runs like a tape in my mind every single day. It was after he moved out. And after I lost my job. When I needed someone the most, he was not there for me. On top of everything I was dealing with in my own life, he told me he had been back on drugs for months. Yet, I still wanted him to be in my life. He told me that he knows now, no matter what he does to me, I will always take him back.

Always? I don't think anyone always does anything. It made me realize, how he saw me. Basically, I'm a doormat. I thought I hung that job title up years ago, but apparently, it fit so well, I like to keep putting it on. Of course, he says he didn't mean it that way, but it really doesn't matter what he thinks, it's how I feel, how I took it. The same way you can look at a person and see perfection, they can sit at home and hate themselves without anyone having a clue.

I need to find happiness on my own. I know I can, I've done it before. It's not easy, because being alone forces you to examine yourself. I've had a lot of time for that, and it's just what I needed. I've been feeling like isolating myself. I don't do anything I use to enjoy doing. And no one can save me. This is my thing, and I have to deal with it. Me and CP have been going back and forth over being together, not being together. Living together, not living together.

He doesn't understand that I can't just forget everything that happened. He may have changed a lot since being off of drugs, but I have too. He use to live with a clouded mind, and I did too. Addiction affects everyone you are close to. I can see clearly now. And I don't want to be the kind of person that allows people to hurt me anymore. I don't want to keep building walls around my heart, because I miss out on what I crave the most, and that's love. Passionate. Stomach flops, always on my mind, can't get enough. Safe. Secure. Love.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Hang in there. Life is TOUGH. It's good that you look for signs of being on the right path. Spirituality helps us through the tough times. I'm going through a rough patch right now. Friends and family are your bread and butter. Just take it day by day. It WILL get better. I promise.