"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

National Vagina Day

I declared yesterday, national vagina day. Everyone in the world was having their vaginas looked at. At least, in my neck of the woods they were. Since I have no insurance, and I don't want no damned baby, I had to go to Planned Parenthood. Thinking, it's a cheap alternative to
getting my annual violation, and birth control, right? Pshea...it's cheap alright.

I'm telling you from the second I walked in that joint I felt cheap. Seriously, can't they treat the poor a little better? It was a far cry from my usual place, with mood lighting, and big cushy, comfy, overstuffed chairs. Cloth gowns, and real tables with working stirrups!

My appointment was at 3:00, and I sat in the waiting room...until...4:30. Listening. To. Children. Cry. I thought to myself "self, if this doesn't remind you that kids suck, nothing will!" Listening to teenage girls yell at their screaming kids, leaving them with their mothers, to go get yet another pregnancy test. Seriously girls, the condoms are free. Take some on your way out!

They called me back at 4:30 and stuck me in a room where they asked me if I practiced anal sex. If I had, they suggested, I get tested for AIDS. Geez, Last time I went to the GYN I had my thyroid tested. Then they made me fill out another STD sheet for testing, since I have
a new "partner". Fine, whatever. Test me. They never told me all this shit cost more money. They had signs all over stating you could have a free AIDS test, so I thought what the hell?

Then..you know ladies, the usual "here is your gown, it ties in the front, take everything off but your socks" speal they give you? Not at Planned Parenthood. They say "get naked". Yea, and, what do they give you to wear? Certainly not a gown. It's a the equivelant of 6 paper towels, with arm holes. It barely covers your chest. (iffin you got a chest thankyouverymuch!) Let alone the fact that my entire lower half was naked. Thanks for nothing!

Then they give you about 3 paper towels to put on your lap. So, I'm sitting there bare-ass naked, for a half an hour. Half an hour. Thinking, what the fuck do I do if there is a fire? What if some deranged pro-lifer bombs the place, and I'm stuck running the streets in these paper towels?
That's what I thought. Waiting. Looking at the shitty room. All of the "instruments" were plastic. I pictured them breaking inside of me. Ouch. All the swabs and collection tubes they had, were kept in one of those dollar store desk top trash cans. Purple ones to be exact.

Then when the nurse came in she asked me like two things, and got down to business. Here is the kicker. When it was time for me to "slide down" she said "Put your right foot in the stirrup, and I'll hold the left one here, it's broke". Yah. The left stirrup was broke, so my foot was up on a stub of metal being held by the one nurse who was also the vagina examiner. No small talk, like with my regular Dr. No, "how's it going, how's work, how's the man" Just, "pressure, this is cold, this may cause cramping, this will last 10 seconds" . I mean I have no idea why she was an hour and a half behind, she certainly didn't seem to be chit-chatting. I actually felt more violated than usual!

One good thing, is that the "spot" under my arm, she said is not in the breast tissue, and since it isn't as painful as it has been to just keep an eye on it. This whole ordeal cost me $162. I had to charge it. When it was all said and done, I made too much money to even qualify for the cheaper rates. Apparently, I am the new rich. I love being rich. I could have paid that at my regular Dr. and had a much more pleasant experience. Lesson learned!

And, now for the good news. Remember last year, when I worked that other shitty part time job, but I had a buncha money? I've been wanting to go back there For. Ev. Errrr. Yesterday? There was an ad in the paper! Finally! Guess who goes for her test on Thursday? Me! I gave them a
month's notice when I quit, so I hope they take me back! Send me positive vibes. Yea, it's 20 hours a week. Yea, I have to work with the mentally insane, and retarded, yea, I'm working every day, but I'll have weekends off! And, it's easy money. I don't have to deal with drunks.
I don't have to work overnight. And I make double the money. What more could I ask for?

Me and the boy are still happily nuts for each other. He asked me out this weekend. How funny is that? A boy asking me out? I'm sooooo not use to that! And, we're going to Cedar Point October 20th with one of his friends and his girrrrrrrlfriend. Like a real-live couple. We're so
awesome! I know! Get use to it because I am not gonna get sick of this kinda thing!


Suzi said...

I think you should make National Vagina Day tee shirts for the four of you to wear at Cedar Point. That would make all your romantic roller coaster pictures just that much better! Have fun!

Tayray said...

Cedar Point will be fun. We are going this weekend!

Perfect Patti said...

I hate the yearly thing. It's seems insulting that you have to PAY money to be violated. It's just wrong...wait until you have to pay for a mammogram. That will really piss you off. :)

Janet said...

Now that you mention it, a coworker of mine mentioned going to the gyno yesterday, too. Maybe bc some people had off of work yesterday? She didn't of course, she just took off. That's neither here nor there though:)

Mon said...

thats a good idea about the shirts. I bet people would leave us alone!

youll have to let me know how it goes!

yea, i know, paying for humiliation doesnt seem right at all! I cant wait for the mammogram. hell hea!

see, national vagina day! I knew it!