Happiness is...a Dear John Letter...

Ladies night was a success as usual. We've been doing a monthly get together, and everyone brings new friends, and you meet new people. I went from having only one day planned this weekend, to now having my weekend jam packed full of fun girlie things to do!

The best part of the night for me, was when I was talking to a new girl about being dumped, as she is recently divorced. She asked what happened..so.

I let one of the girls narrate my dear john letter from exmanfriend to the group. (yes, you have to click and read that if you missed it...) the comments "seriously, you are glad he's gone, right?" "after three years he wrote you a letter?" "who the hell is MOJO? his CAT? Did he really blame his CAT?" "He doesn't know what the hell he wants" "you deserve so much more than that" "He dumped you on FACEBOOK? Is he 12?" "He did you the biggest favor, you'll see that".

All made me laugh and realize that yes...I am a wonderful lady. Who didn't deserve to get dumped, let alone, the way he dumped me. And I am going to be so much better off when my real prince comes along.

It's important to have girlfriends. A slap in the face is easier when you have people to pick you up.

What a girl Wants...

I know what I want. I don't think it makes me picky. But I'm worried exmanfriend has ruined me forever. Then I wonder if its that, or do I just know what I want?

I want to be crazy about someone who is crazy about me. I want to get excited when they call, or at the prospect of seeing each other. I want them to think I'm the bees knees, and they can't wait to take me out, and introduce me to their friends. I want to be spontanious and grab each others rumps, and flirt and be cute together. I want to know how someone feels. I think in the beginning, these things come natural.

For me, it lasted almost three years. These things never waned for us.

So, I refuse to waste time with someone who has mediocore feelings, or calls me sporadically, or pretends to like me but never takes me out in public. I refuse to think I'm being picky, or comparing people to exmanfriend. I just know what I want.

Right?

I want someone to have all these things with me, and recognize how special they are, and that they don't come along so easily, and therefore, don't let me go. The bad part about having an amazing relationship, is moving on. And for that, I don't know if I can forgive him. He let it go, and I should hate him for that.

I've never had trouble before, because the relationships were ultimately crap, and I recognize that, and move on. But how do you move on, when you had nothing wrong?

Except of course, that the asshole you were with, is afraid of happiness and sabotages everything good in his life?

Speaking of which, several of exmanfriends friends have chatted w/me on facebook. Nothing about the asshole, just how they miss me, and how I'm the best he ever had, and how they want to hang out sometime. Funny....I don't see my friends doing the same to him. I know I'm a catch, and so does everyone else.

He deserves whatever misery he brings on himself. Bastard.

River Rocking...

I am so super excited to go to Rockin on the River tonight, which is where you see free bands and drink, and have general merriment every Friday here in the A-K rowdy.

Tonight, is Frontiers. Obviously, this is a Journey tribute band, and obvy I'm of the age where I know Journey is awesome, and I have spent many drunken nights belting out "don't stop believing" with my girlfriends, way before Glee stole it from us. (my precioussss) And crying over "faithfully" jamming to "wheel in the sky", or sticking it to "the man" with "Separate Ways".

I can't wait to jam out to some Journey. I am also happy, that there are still free things to do in Akron which rock, and that also come with FREE parking.

Take that, Cleveland, and your $10 event parking, with a courtesy 2 mile walk!

P.S. I have power back. I almost feel bad for bad mouthing Ohio Edison but then again, I don't.

You Shook me...(for about 30 seconds)

How bout that earthquake, eh? Followed by a horrible storm, and an explosion on my street.

I was sitting at work yesterday talking to two girls. I felt like you do before you pass out. (i know this because as kids, we use to make each other pass out for fun) It passed. It happened again and it sounded like someone walking by our floors shake when a big person walks by. Finally I said you guys, I might pass out, I don't feel right, and a coworker said, no somethings going on because that door is ratteling.

Here is where I say that the company I work for has the largest vault next to fort knox, and therefore, we have high security. The first thing I thought was, bomb. Explosion. Robbery. I got my people out of the building. (don't I sound official, and responsible? I didn't even freak out I just said come with me, and they actually followed me like ducks in a row!)

While outside, others came out too, who told us it was an earthquake. For real? In Ohio? Awesome! Then I was excited to have felt it! Oh about two hours later, the skies are black. Our building was struck by lightening, and it shook the ceiling tile dust all over the place. And our A/C went out. All amidst of our ginormous week long meeting of fancy pants executives.

I couldn't wait to get some wine and go home.

Technology stood between me and my bottle of carlo rossi! The credit card machines are down? I see flashes of the end of the world. Famine! Looting! Zombies! How will we survive with no CREDIT machines? (I did find one finally that was up, but that's not as dramatic as zombies)

My road is officially closed. Balls!

So I go the back way, also closed.

So, I drove thru the barricade. (you can't keep a mother from her children) A tree took out all the power lines. No, not just the power, all the lines are down on my street. My neighbors said that it was two explosions. We wont have power for several days which is super awesome when its 100 degrees! I tried to read by lamplight, like the Ingall's did on Little House on the Prairie. But at least Poppa would play his fiddle and they would dance.

I brought all my dairy to work to stick in the VP's mini fridges!

You know what Ohio Edison is good at doing?
1) Driving big trucks past our street
2) Driving big trucks down our street, parking, and walking around
3) Surveying damage
4) Talking Shit
5) Putting up barricades
6) Caution taping us in our driveways
7) Trying to scare the crap out of us
8) Asking us to be good samaritans and warn others to stay away from down lines instead of doing it themselves
9) Bullshitting


You know what Ohio Edison is not good at?
1) Fixing electrical problems.

Sidelined...

There comes a time in everyones life, when you don't listen to your body, or a Dr. and you end up screwing yourself in the end, right? (tell me I'm not the only one...)

I've been on this mission for working out more remember, lose 20lbs in 7 wks. Like, 8 months ago or so, I had been to the dr with a stress fracture. All he said is no more running, ice it, stay off it, elevate, asperin. I had to pay for the same advice I googled before going.

So, I didn't listen because I like to eat, and if I don't workout the way I do I gain weight. Period. I think I listened for a week, and then spent probably a month working my way back to the same pace as pre-injury. I don't understand how this all works.

(you know, 6 months to lose 10 lbs, 1 week to gain it. A year to run 4 miles, a week to lose the ability)

So, all is well until last week when I upped workouts to two a day, my toes were numb after running. Hm. Whatever.

I did the trail on Sunday with a girlfriend. I rarely run outside, I'm use to the cushioned deck of a treadmill. I ran some outside, on the trail, and the gravel.

Sure enough, Sunday night my foot is throbbing. It hurts to put on my sneakers. I'm doing the bicycle instead of running, but it doesnt even match my heart rate I normally get, and I'm pedaling as fast as I can for endurance, without pooping out from such a hard level.

I'm so irritated with myself. NOW WHAT? I gave up (bad) carbs, I'm so pissy, I can barely stand myself!

And since I'm ticked off, I'm throwing in an "i hate the exmanfriend" for good measure. Because I'm an awesome person and he totally screwed up!

The Breakfast Line...

In the breakfast line in the grill at the office:

Grill guy: "did you guys see that (whatever kind of kids jumbo water slide with water guns on it) was on sale at toys r us for $200?"

Coworkers: "yea it's normally $500"!

Grill Guy: "I got one for my kids"

Me: "when I was little I had to swim in a trash can"

At least I wasn't alone, my friend Stephanie use to play in there too.

New Things...

WTF is a lentil? It tastes beany, and a whole bag of them cost under 2 bucks. This not eating bad carbs thing, is really tricky. everything i had instinct to buy at the store, carbs. Produce? Expensive. What else is there? Beans? Legumes? Have you read the labels on those cans?

So, I went old school. I bought bags of various dry beans and lentils. Au natural. I'm going to make my own hummus with some chick peas too in my food processor after I soak them to life.(thanks to the ex asshole manfriend leaving this at my house in his hurry to abandon ship).

Im also finding a new appreciation for saurkraut. You can eat a buttload of that for 15 calories. I cook it in a pan with some sliced turkey and add a peice of provolone and its like a better version of a reuben.

Maybe I really wont miss carbs.

You know what misses them most? My pocketbook. I use to be able to eat for $10 a week at the discount grocery. My last bill for food was $85 bucks. Uh. This fat better get to melting off me real quick!

* Today after eating my breakfast sandwhich prepared with love by me, I thought twice before throwing out the tin foil. I considered re-using it. I'm not sure if this should be filed under becoming my mother or not, but I really didn't like that the thought crossed my mind.

Things Untold...

Oh yea, the stalker one date guy, is now done with stalking me. He told me off in his own way. Sorry I'm just not that into you. Someone will be. There is someone for everyone, mkay?

Since I'm on a break and all, I won't tell you that I've hung out with someone a few times. (no not that asshole exmanfriend)

This someone I've known for like four years closley, longer than that in the "group of friends" kind of way.

Like, I threw up in his living room about 9 years ago.. after a night of clubbing with a girlfriend found us at an after hours party there. In my defense, I did catch the vomit in my hands. Come to think of it, I'm suprised we're not married already, I'm a pretty classy chick.

We had a casual relationship for a year, neither of us wanted more. After another relationship, we briefly tried for actual "dating", and then someone decided to give their asshole ex another undeserved shot at this prize. (I'm the someone, and the prize)

We never parted on bad terms, or had a "break up" and always remained friendly with each other.

I am a believer in signs, and things happening for a reason. I think there was a reason that my moms A/C broke, and I called him to go look at it for her cus she's broke. I think theres also a reason that despite my strong urge to call him on a personal level after seeing him, I remained strong and stuck to my "If a boy likes me he'll call" 'rule'..and he ended up calling me.

I think theres a reason we've been friends for so long, and enjoy each others company, and seem to always wind up 'together'.

Like Carrie and BIG! OMG!! ok, I'm just kidding. Sorta.

I'm not in any sort of a rush to find love, or be "tied down" or call someone my boyfriend just yet. We know a lot of the same people. We have endless conversation, and the times we get together to watch a movie, we end up laughing and talking all night instead. We can be ourselves and he is a lot like me, positive, fun, and personable.

For whatever reason he's in my life, he is. And I'm just taking it as it comes. He hasn't had a serious girlfriend in 5 years, and I have only been broke up for almost 2 months.

I do know that you always say to a person...where were you my whole life? Why am I meeting you NOW? Why not 10 years ago?

And the answer is simple, the right time is now. You weren't ready 10 years ago. And I think the same thing may be happening here. All the times we were "together" the timing was off. We were never on the same page at the same time for very long, we wanted different things, but always enjoyed ourselves.

Now, we both seem to be in the same place. And that place, is alright with me.

Plus, he is a super duper good kisser. You don't realize how much you miss something until you find a "one up".

Ass Kicking...Check..

I have made a mission for myself to lose 20lbs by vacation in August. I'm going to the beach to see my sister. Bathing suit. So far I'm down a whopping 3lbs, so 17 to go. In order to achieve this, I've been doubling my workouts again, two hours a day. So far, this has only happened 3 days a week, working out a total of 6 days, and 9 hours per week. I changed my runs to hill intervals, and change it up with the eliptical and bike, and on the weekend I do a hard core trail.

I've done this before, with working out on lunch, then running another half hour and going to my hour long 1,000 calorie burning bootcamp class after that. At that time, I didn't lose weight cus I didn't eat ENOUGH. It's really not rocket science, but for some reason it is.

70lbs just seemed to melt off and ive been stuck for two years! Gaining and losing the same 10lbs over and over and over again. I just want to lose 40 more. That's it. I'll be happy being fluffy me, I don't want to be skinny. I'm ok with that!

The only thing left is food. I eat healthy 99% of the time, but mostly I eat carbs. So, I'm cutting them to only in the morning, with an english muffin, egg beaters, and turkey bacon.

No rice. Pasta. Potatos. And no sugar in its pure form, (im not reading every label in the world.) I'll still have vodka and seltzer water, because I gave up beer, carbs, and sugar... what more do you want from me?

Now, I partake in a bootcamp at work. Last night, I was the only asshole there. I thought she'd cancel the class but instead she taught just me.

You don't want a bootcamp instructor to focus only on you. Have you BEEN to bootcamp? It's like that P90X crap only you can't stop because its a class and they make you do it or the whole class suffers.

The only satisfaction I had was that she was struggling, and kept stopping to "adjust the music" and when we were done, she said "who came up with that workout?" as she was sweating profusely....and I said "I already ran four miles today" That felt pretty damn good!

*Then, I slept like a freaking rock.

**And, I might add, my ass is starting to look amazing.

***Got a new pic from before I lost 70lbs, that shocked me. When I lose my final 40 I'll post a before and after. It'll be a 100lb weight loss. Um...yea I said 100lbs.

Burns and Burrrrrns...

Friday I went tanning as is the norm. I felt a burning under my boobs, and when I reached under them, found a foreign substance that was psychodelic green. (from the tanning lights) I rolled over the side of the bed to investigate what I'd just pulled out of my boobs, and it was a banana pepper.

From my five dollar footlong. Boobs are good for pretty much one thing. Catching food and drink.

Turns out, you shouldnt go tanning with banana peppers stuck to your boobs, because it produces painful welts. Yea, I got em. They are raw, and hurt.

My girlfriend ran into the ex husband this weekend. He told her he still thinks about me and about how he messed up.

Certainly must suck to harbor all that guilt for 11 years. You would think it would make me feel good, in a way it does. It helps fuel the "its not you its me" theme that runs through my relationships.

Have I mentioned what a super duper skank he married? Cus he totally downgraded, not only is she skanky, shes an ugly person. I am so freaking sweet I can hardly stand myself!

• I drank a bottle of captain morgans this weekend and never got a buzz. I think this might signify I drink too much.

• Had a yardsale with my mom. I made 10 bucks. Seven of it was from one of my girlfriends. I made like 10 cents an hour to bake in the sun.

Stage 5 Clinger...

So I decided to remove myself from the dating sites for a while. One, because the guy I had one measley date with is cell stalking me via calling and text, and inbox stalking me to my online account. I was nice about not being into him. Then I ignored him. Then I said I'm just not feeling it, I'm sorry, and he got offended.

Seriously, after one date, and three days of talking, you're really that hurt? Then something is wrong with you. Funny how all he found to date was crazy girls, right? I think that one got flipped around!

He said that honesty isnt the best policy. As if the ONLY reason I wasnt interested was because he is probably crazy. It's also the fact that he wasn't even remotely cute. And wasnt even semi-gainfully employed.

I was also hit on via facebook chat, by one of my brothers high school friends. This friend, went into my Moms room one night yearrrrs ago..and lifted the covers to her bed, while she was in it. I'm pretty sure thats why he and my brother stopped talking, and I'm pretty sure, this is an indication of the kind of men I attract.

And...lastly, this week, after Moms a/c broke, and I called an old friend to came to look at it for her, ....I saw said friend through different eyes.

I gotta feeling. (sing..woo hoooo....) So I'm just chilling, and we'll see what happens in life. I'll float along the lazy river and enjoy what comes along.

Hopefully river frogs are better than pond frogs!

Love Fern...

You go along thinking things are just fine with a break up, and while you are standing in the express lane checkout at Giant Eagle, with your eggs, turkey burgers, and whole grain wraps, you spot a fern.

And you start to cry, because you remember exassholemanfriend had ferns, and you helped pick out the hangers for the ferns at his place, and potted them for him, and how they died. Now, those hangers hold your golden pothos in your new apartment. Hung there by exassholemanfriend. Perfectly measured, as only the asshole could do.

A week ago, I perused my ex husbands, cousins facebook. I looked at her pictures, and saw all his cousins grown up, all his aunts and uncles, and of course, him, and his new (especially skanky) wife. We were together for 7 years, divorced now, almost 11, and it was the first time I'd looked in on the family in that way for a long time.

And I didn't in the tiniest way feel any sadness for what we had. I spent my entire high school life with him, and my early 20's. And...I don't miss him. Despite his apology last year. He was horrible to me and our marriage was toxic, but getting over it was very, very hard.

And it gives me hope. I will be happy with someone again. And that someone wont simply "change his mind" about moving in with me, and throw away everything we have, simply because he is afraid. He was a liar. And he lied about what he wanted.

I know it will happen. But until then, I cry when I find one of his socks in my drawer. Or hear someone say they like pancakes, or see an update from orange julius on my facebook (i have since deleted this one) or any other completely random and stupid thing in the world that all seems to lead back to HIM. It's better than being full of hate, and holding on to negativity.

I'll cry until they don't make me cry anymore, and I stop wondering if he too, finds my socks and feels the same way. Being heartless must have its advantages.

The Dating Pond...Part Two...

After seeing he scared me, he told me he wasn't a violent person, and he'd never hit a girl, after he told me yet another story of "beating someone up". I said that given my past history with abusive men, I wasn't comfortable with someone who has violent tendencies. He said again he isn't violent to which I said "you dont consider those things violent?" He said I guess they were.
But I'm a changed man.

I'm all for changing, I'm a totally different woman from the crazy girl I was in my 20's. And I cheated once in my life, and it never crossed my mind to do so again, so people aren't defined by their actions. But you do get a feeling when someone's genuinley "changed".

He told me I am very pretty and I look just like my pictures. I said why wouldn't I? He said a lot of people do things to their pictures and they dont look the same at all. I'm thinking....oh you mean like you did?

Other red flags consisted of saying he liked one thing, and when I said I didn't he changed his mind to "not really liking it". I don't want someone to morph me, I want someone who knows who they are. Joking around about putting roofies in my drink, saying he'd like to see a lot more of me...in a pervy way, asking me if he got on the floor like his dog would I pet him, and so on.

When the night progressed, I sat on the far end of the couch. All the while he feel deeper in love with me (maybe not love, but he was totally taken by me...and kept telling me) And when I had to leave, I gave him a hug and dodged a kiss. He leaned in to kiss me then when I got in my car and I gave him a peck.

I'm just not feeling it. I don't expect the same bells and whistles I had with exassholemanfriend, because I know everything is different, but I'm also not going to ignore red flags. And, I want to be nuts in love with someone I can't keep my hands off of. I need that attraction to each other, along with the flirtiness, and love, and everything tied up with a bow!

Exassholemanfriend isn't the only man who will want me, and neither is this wackadoodle. I havn't had every man come back to me and apologize for leaving me because I'm a shitty girlfriend, its because I pick shitty guys. One of these days they wont have to come back, because they wont leave in the first place.

I know my prince is still out there, swimming with all the other frogs. And when the time is right he will come out to be kissed.

Meanwhile, happiness is NOT getting online and seeing your exassholemanfriend in your "compatibility matches" even though you block him, and he supposedly blocked you. It's like a knife to the heart every day I log on there. To read the things he is looking for, and know that I was that person for so long, and he simply "changed his mind". He is completely fucked up in the head. And I hope he's having shitty luck on his dating adventure, because he deserves it.

I don't care about the karma on that one.

The Dating Pond...Part One...

In the pond of life, there has to be lots of frogs. If frogs could talk that is.

I have been talking to a couple of guys online. One in particular. We talked three hours, then a few times the next day, and another three hours, and he asked me over to dinner. He has a kid, and I sent the address to 3 people and asked them to check on me several times, so I didn't wind up chopped up in a trunk somewhere.

We really got along on the phone, great conversation, the pictures he had posted, were attractive to me. We had a lot in common, and it even turned to flirting. He really thought I was marriage material, everything anyone would want, who would let a catch like me go? (I cant argue that) So we met.

I wasn't that nervous because of all the talking, I felt comfortable. But when he opened the door, I instantly felt disappointment....


He looked nothing like his pictures. He looked like 40 something, and I look 20 something. (so ive been told....)

As if the looks part wasn't the only disappointment, over dinner he told me how he had been abused as a child. He doesn't associate with his family. He use to be an STNA at one point, and witnessed a patient being abused, and he "took care of the guy who did it". I asked him to elaborate and by that he meant he took him outside and beat him up and lost his job.

I looked at him in horror, and he said "am I scaring you?" "Yes" I said.

To be continued...

Free Bird...

Something I havn't talked about in a long time is that I'm actually a certified Reiki Practitioner. I was attuned around 3 years ago. I've only practiced on exmanfriend, and my dog, who dislikes it, and wont allow me to do it.

It's something that I lost track of, and as of late, have been talking with the person who attuned me about spiritual healing. When I meditate, I picture myself in white light. When you do reiki, you have to visualize the white light coming through your hands and into the person, and you have to have nothing but love in your intentions. With all the negativity in my brain, I can't even surround myself with light. He asked if I'd tried to heal myself. I told him that seemed impossible at this point.

I feel broken, so he put me in contact with a spiritual healer. I am thinking seriously about meeting with her, so I can get back to my old, positive self. I would love to practice reiki, and put it to good use. And let go of the negativity that I'm letting consume me.

In other news, I have works travel department working on booking me a flight to see my sister in Virginia Beach in August. I need to get away, and if I wait until I can "afford" it, I'll never go. A trip is just what I need.

Like most things, I've been avoiding it, because in order to leave town, I will have to put my 14 year old dog to sleep, and I've been in denial about it for a long time. It's to the point where I'm embaressed to even take her to put her down because she looks so bad, and I don't know how they will even find a vein to do so.

Lock Down...

I've been broke, so that means I havn't been able to rely on alchohol to sleep for days. Um, this means that I can't sleep. And I am being forced to deal with my hateful feelings.

Instead, I lay and think about how much I hate exmanfriend. I don't mean, I'm sad about him hurting me. I mean, full on hate. This is not me at all, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I've never hated someone so much. I mean, the way he did it, yes...but the fact that he did it at all fills me up with anger.

I dream about killing him. I dream about being together, and instead of waking up sad I wake up angry. I toss and turn all night.

I had a 7 year shitty relationship with my ex husband, and he didn't summon this much hate in me. I think because the relationship was crap.

There was nothing wrong w/me and exmanfriend, and its the first time in my 34 years I thought I found "the one" and it was it for me. Without a doubt, trusted it 100%. That has never happened.

I push bad thoughts out of my head the second they come in, and the second after that, they come back. I visualize myself in white light, but two seconds later I see his stupid mug, or hear some bullshit thing he said to me.

Some maniac has hijacked my brain and I don't know how to get it back. I've never felt this angry before.

I think I should probably be locked up for a while and not leave the house. Who knows what this hateful me is capeable of, but my thoughts sometimes scare me. Its very uncharacteristic. I need a spiritual anema.

Singled Out..

I'm not the only single girl in the world. I know this. But at 34, it gets increasingly harder to be single. Not that I'm dying on my own, or I just cant function..but its different for different social circles.

All my friends are in relationships, or married, or have kids. Or, they all have some reason not to like one another, so getting everyone together is no longer possible either. I have to divy up my time with different groups of people. Which...sucks.

This leaves little girl time. I try to fill my time up with available friends whenever I can, but those times are few and far between.

My life consists mainly of work, working out, and cleaning up poop, pee, and pet hair. And rearranging my furniture and plants. I mean, I went through my self discovery time a few years back, and I'm happy with the result, so um. Now what? I'm always learning about myself, I meditate, I listen to self help books, so what am I suppose to do?

I don't see anything wrong with meeting people. I don't think my Mr. Right will come to my door and knock to get in. I have to get out, see and be seen, and when the right one comes along I'll know. I told the universe, no more frogs. I've had enough. I want my prince!

How I'm becoming my mother 45,678 I'm going to tell you that I started drinking fiber, which is my new attempt at appetite control, and its working swimmingly. It fills you up so you eat less.

Project? Lose the 30 lbs I've been trying to lose for years.