"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Love Fern...

You go along thinking things are just fine with a break up, and while you are standing in the express lane checkout at Giant Eagle, with your eggs, turkey burgers, and whole grain wraps, you spot a fern.

And you start to cry, because you remember exassholemanfriend had ferns, and you helped pick out the hangers for the ferns at his place, and potted them for him, and how they died. Now, those hangers hold your golden pothos in your new apartment. Hung there by exassholemanfriend. Perfectly measured, as only the asshole could do.

A week ago, I perused my ex husbands, cousins facebook. I looked at her pictures, and saw all his cousins grown up, all his aunts and uncles, and of course, him, and his new (especially skanky) wife. We were together for 7 years, divorced now, almost 11, and it was the first time I'd looked in on the family in that way for a long time.

And I didn't in the tiniest way feel any sadness for what we had. I spent my entire high school life with him, and my early 20's. And...I don't miss him. Despite his apology last year. He was horrible to me and our marriage was toxic, but getting over it was very, very hard.

And it gives me hope. I will be happy with someone again. And that someone wont simply "change his mind" about moving in with me, and throw away everything we have, simply because he is afraid. He was a liar. And he lied about what he wanted.

I know it will happen. But until then, I cry when I find one of his socks in my drawer. Or hear someone say they like pancakes, or see an update from orange julius on my facebook (i have since deleted this one) or any other completely random and stupid thing in the world that all seems to lead back to HIM. It's better than being full of hate, and holding on to negativity.

I'll cry until they don't make me cry anymore, and I stop wondering if he too, finds my socks and feels the same way. Being heartless must have its advantages.


mylittlebecky said...

that sucks! this is such a shitty time when the wound is just too deep and too raw. hugs, lady. we know it will get better.

Teena in Toronto said...

Give it time and you'll be fine. Don't try to rush the healing.

Sister Copinherhair said...

Oh, how I remember the little things that would bring on a fresh wave of pain and hurt...just when you think you are feeling good. It DOES get better. And I know you know that. I just feel like I need to reassure you of that. Hang in there. Seriously, if you ever need to talk, message me. I've got a Blackberry now. I'll get it immediately! :) Hugs.

Fizzgig said...

thanks! I know it takes time. for an impatient person, this sucks lol

right, better now than months from now, it always comes up you cant run from it!

thank you, yes, reassurance does help! blackberry! boy you are all fancy now!