"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Im OK You're OK...

Have you ever wanted to bash someones head in? I guess I don't take rejection very well at all. I mean, perhaps if I were a total bitch and treated people like crap I could say...well, maybe I deserved that for being a turd of a human being.

But, I'm spectacular.

I think its bad when one, you dont sleep for 2 weeks, and two, you start dreaming about chopping someones head off. All. The. Time.

It's gotten so bad, that I took it as a sign when I woke up this morning and the Dalai Lama was on the Today Show talking about happiness. I need to let it go. I've been holding on to anger, to keep from having a melt down. But the anger is causing me much more strife than sadness ever did.

Yes, I was happy. We were happy. What I will take from all of this is that I can have everything I want in a person. I had always settled before, this time, I was crazy in love, and would do anything for him, of my own free will. I was the girl I always wished I could be. I know I can be, and I can have everything, and that's what I take from it.

I havn't been ready to meet my Mr. Right yet, I had more to learn. But I believe I'm getting there!

I can't worry that he is going to date other girls, and eventually, blame them when he can't stay faithful, or happy because he has nothing in his life for himself. He has no direction. When he can't blame distance on a relationship not working, maybe he will finally start looking inside himself. But I doubt it. It's easier to blame others. I spent many...many years there myself.

Me? I'll be ok. I cry. I laugh. I daydream about kicking him in the nads. I'm confused, I'm disgusted. I hate the whole trying to date thing. But this is the life I've been given and I have no choice but to live it, and make the best of it, or be miserable. I'm not a miserable person.

But what I do know for sure (Oprah moment) is that if I came so close to having everything I wanted, the next step can't possibly be a bad one. I'm carrying on being the same girl I love, the silly, sunny, optimistic one that no one can change.

I wont look back with regret. I didn't hurt that boy, he hurt me. And I am strong enough to start letting it go. So, I don't take it into the next relationship. I wouldn't want to be a "insert assholes last name here". (thats my new catch phrase for people who lead you on, or bring their baggage into a realtionship, or are crazy in general. It makes me feel better. Shut up)


Teena in Toronto said...

You gave it another try ... time to move on.

MzAriez said...

Proud of you for staying strong. Keep it up. Love your babies and enjoy your sparkling things!

heather said...

it's okay if you have a melt down. anyone put in your position would.

i know it hurts. but you know what? it's a damn good thing he left because if that's the kind of person he is, it would eventually end up like this and it could have been worse if you did move in together. it's best that it happened now so you can start to move on and stop wasting time on someone who doesn't know what he wants.

you deserve better and you'll find it.

Andhari said...

I can't believe he keeps letting you down like that. What an asshole.

I'm all for trying to move on, surround yourself with your closest family and friends and only look forward.

Fizzgig said...

I sure did. He's the one that will have the regrets. I have a clear concious!

thank you! I am trying! With some wine therapy!

i have my moments. Mostly I am glad that I know now what kind of person he is. It sorta scares me cus he hid it so well!!!!

you're so right!!!! forward thinking has helped me greatly!