Off and Running...

So. Next week is my month end at work. That means its June. Um, hello? Three more months and I've been with my manfriend for TWO years. Where did the time go? I have no clue. I still absolutely adore him, and I thank the universe each night for bringing us together. (Along with thanks for my job, my car, a roof over my head, and my family and friends.)

Speaking of, I was napping Wednesday night (I nap almost every night, I'm telling you I have some sort of defeciency) my phone beeped and I thought it was a text cus I have it set to just beep once either way. It was my ex. Z. The one that calls and leaves me voicemails to pick up cus he calls from a private number.

I had nothing to say to him. He asked was I married. I said no, are you? He said no but he has another kid. I said well good for you, but that doesn't interest me at all. I told him I'm fabulous, and I didn't have anything to say to him. He said he just wanted to see what I was up to.

Why? I honestly never think about him. He never crosses my mind.

Oh wait, I guess when people are talking about sucky things like assholes, and drugs, and abuse, he might come to mind. But I don't think about bad things like that, my life is fabulous.

At work I'm busy. Sparing the boring details, I've been in 18 thousand meetings. I wonder why you have so many meetings the higher up you are in a company? Nothing ever gets accomplished, at the end of the meeting, we decide we'll have another meeting in a week. Meanwhile, my work piles up cus I'm spending so much time in meetings.

This morning:

Coworker: "they didn't have coffee at the grill when I went down (this is a common theme since Eat N' Park took over our food facility they run out of coffee every day! Yes they did put in a Starbucks, but it's like a 5 minute walk to get there) and there was an ambulance out front"

Me: "there's a shocker, an ambulance? What happened?"

Coworker: "so and so cut themselves in the grill, I guess it was pretty bad"

Me: "well, I wouldn't eat downstairs today"

She said she was surpised because I'm always so nice. I have people snowed I guess?

Reason 456,675 I deserve pity.....I tivo'd the Spelling Bee last night. My family cable package is really taking a toll on me. *July 9th can't get here soon enough.

*Big Brother starts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





P.S. I'm trying to win $1000. Which picture should I enter to win the cutest cat contest?

One....

Or two...

I am a hater...

I used the word hate a lot.

I'm eating hershey's kisses. I really don't care either. You know there is 25 calories in one? It hardly seems worth it. Seeing how you can eat an entire snickers bar for like 200 calories. I'm not even hungry. I just ate a salad, 2 bananas, and a sugar free banana fudge pudding cup. (which was deee-lish!) I also have a red grapefruit to eat before I leave work. It's stress. I totally stress eat. I hate it. I'm full and I am sitting here eating kisses. I'd rather be getting them from my manfriend. That would lead to some calorie burning. Wink wink......

Speaking of burning calories. I have been back to running, with no foot pain. *cheers* for about a week. I'm also up to running for 40 minutes straight. The other 10 I walk fast warm up/cool down. While it almost makes me pass out, I feel good having reached this accomplishment. Instead of 4 miles an hour, I am doing 4.25 miles in 50 minutes. Progress. I don't like it though. I actually hate it. Plus I'm doing weights a couple days a week. I hate that too.

I've been doing every other day the 50 minute run, and the other days, I run for 20, and do the eliptical 15, and bike 15. Have I mentioned that I still despise working out? Cus um, I do. I can understand how people get to be 1,000 lbs. It's taken me 2 years to lose 72 lbs, and I've been holding at that spot for months. It's frustrating. It's sweaty. It's long. It's tedious. I hate it.

I talked to my new dentists Mom last night. She's an old friend from my last job. She said her daughter told her I am just gorgeous, and the same size as her now. (her daughter is way skinny) I said well, hardly, but I have lost a lot of weight. I guess the payoff is nice, but I hate the ride. I could just pass out when I'm done working out. I don't get that endorphine high. I know I have to be doing something wrong because most people feel energized from a workout.

I also hate buying new clothes. I really don't enjoy shopping.

I'm still planning on winning the lottery. I'll let you know how this works out for me. When I do, I'm going to hire someone to work out for me. I'll also let you know how that works out. It sounds good.

What?

It's hump day. Yesssss.

I am done interviewing people. We are hiring a former coworker from another job, and a girl we interviewed Friday. She's dedicated her life to church college and youth ministry, so hopefully this doesn't interfere with work. As in....someone flattens my tires for having a picture of buddha at my desk if you catch my drift. But she seems nice. And really wanted to leave her current job due to lack of training, and cattiness. Me-ow.

Yesterday we had two totally stupid interviews. Both of which after 5 minutes my boss left me with them alone to deal with because they were a waste of time. When I thanked her for that later, she mentioned some day I'll get to do that too. This is probably the 10th reference to management she has made to me so far this year. Think positive, I may be moving on up!

I'm also on the fast track to learning a new job, as I will be supervising said job, that I know very little about. This should be freaking awesome. I had to lead a meeting with the big wigs today too.

Maybe I'll run the place one day.

Maybe not.

My manfriend's nerd group won best party at the nerd festival. I wasn't invited remember. His friend's girlfriend that went to the party tried to talk me into going on Saturday and driving up with her and another friend's girlfriend... despite my non invite. I declined. I never told him that either. I don't know that he knows we made friends at a party a while back.

Nonetheless, we spent Sunday and Monday together and lived happily ever after. We were kinda disgustingly cute cus we totally missed each other. It might be against the law to be so happy. We also went to the flea market on Monday. I think it's swell that he went with me. I bought an old ammo box for $4. I found a ball and chain that I threatened to buy to lock up the manfriend with. So he can't get away. He said he has a hacksaw though. Men.

Starstruck...

I was walking down the executive wing at the office today with a coworker on my way to get coffee and breakfast, and Jane Seymour passed us in the hall. Just like it was nothing, probably going to the bathroom. The same one I change clothes in before I workout. I could use the same crapper as a famous person. She's at work cus you may or may not know she has a jewelry line.

I'm interviewing again today. I'm bored with it. I've already seen a neuroscience major this morning. Who was on the cell phone when I picked her up in the lobby and didn't get off. Then she acted like the job was beneath her, and didn't even pass the excel evaluation.

How was your weekend? I rode my bike 18 miles Saturday and Sunday. Which made my ass hurt really bad. That's not even that far. I rode to the Ohio veterans memorial the next county over. And took of the trip:

The Search Isn't Over...

We had decided on two people to fill the positions in the department. Then one fell through, cus she had to suck and have bad attendance. Argh. So one is going to a girl I use to work with. And the other, we are interviewing for.

Again.

Good. Gawd.

I've been so super busy with work and the search for the perfect employee, I havn't had much time for anything else exciting.

Yesterday I decided to rearrange my living room. By that I mean, I thought it was a good idea to move my entertainment center to my downstairs living area, to make my upstairs living room more roomy. By myself. I managed to get the thing down the steps by chanting "please don't kill me" to the wooden object, until the last step when it got stuck and I pulled it.

Then it came down on my shoulder. And now it hurts to wear a bra.

And then I don't even love the new arrangement, because my other TV stand isn't big enough to house my stereo.

Heres a dream I had last night. It may give you an idea of a coworker I have to deal with daily. I was on the toilet, pooping, and she walked right in talking to me like nothing was going on. I said "coworker, I'm POOPING!". She said "is it a big or small one?" "what does it matter? Leave!"

Mother of a Day...

I'd like to say I'm done interviewing people, but I'm not. My boss had some family stuff goin on so she missed one day and I had another manager sit in with me for their second opinion. Plus, we got more apps. Oh plus, people just suck. They aren't enthusiastic. Or, they are too qualified, and will be utterly bored in a couple of months. I think the job sounds like an executive assistant position in the description, but really, its more like a secreterial pool. You have to have skills, but not too many. And not like making decisions cus you don't get to. Ha.

That's why I was bored doing the job. It's the same old hum drum. Plus I feel bad for the people in other departments like, credit, or receivables that applied because they are horribly miserable meeting quotas each month. And that's no reason to give a person a job. I like to be ignorant to things like people hating their jobs. In my world life's swell.

On Saturday I'm taking my Momma here. The challenge will be getting her to go to bed before 5 am on Friday, so we can get up early and get some good deals! It'll be mayhem for sure on Memorial day weekend.

My manfriend is leaving me to go to some comic nerd convention in Columbus. He really isn't a nerd but his friends are. I'm going to try to survive not seeing him until Sunday. It is gonna be hard. I hate it. I tried to soak all of him up last night. And this morning. An extra day without the manfriend is like an eternity. Trust me. It's a freaking sickness.

I jogged yesterday for 15 minutes and my foot didn't hurt. Yayyyyyy! I'm so bored with biking. Although, I do sweat a whole lot more doing it. I feel a better cardio workout from jogging. I tend to do a harder resistance on the bike vs. speed. I still have fat to lose first.

My arms are comin along. Manfriend commented that he could tell a difference.

Stayin Alive...

I am alive. The dentist didn't kill me. I was met with a familiar face at the desk, a former coworker, and sister in law of the dentist worked there, so that helped. And the dentist came out and said how fabulous I looked, and gave me a high five. (all my working out....) So that put me at ease. I think it was a wise choice going with someone I know to dig in my mouth.

Although, I believe it did hurt and I was misled into thinking there would be no metal in my mouth but I pictured myself on the beach with my manfriend. The sound of the machine was the waves, and the water from it was like ocean mist. Hey, visualization works. And, my manfriend comforts me. =). It wasn't that bad. And he didn't mind being used in such a way. I lurve him!

My Xrays didn't come out. But I have 4 cavities. I guess in 16 years not going, it's pretty good, and I didn't have any grody dental diseases like I thought maybe I would. Like gingivitis or periodontal or something. And my teeth feel really weird. I mean clean. It took an hour to do.

The hygeinist loved me. It was like a teen with acne meeting a person who loves to pop zits. I know, gross, but this girl loved picking my teeth.

So I go back in 2 weeks to "get started". Fillings. And to go over my xrays, there may be more wrong but they couldn't see. When the dentist asked why I hadn't come in so long, I told her I had been traumatized, and asked her not to traumatize me. She said she wouldn't. Today. She was only checking.

I think dentists are secretly massochists.

After the appointment, I went home and slept for 3 hours. I was so stressed out! But I woke up refreshed, and glad that it was over.

D Day...

It's D day. I've decided that today isn't going to be bad at the dentist. After all, I did happen to train this dentist at my former, former job and employer while she was working on her summer off from dental school. Right? I do know her and her family so if she hurts me, I know where they live. And, I have plenty of stinky cat and dog poo I can light on fire on the front porch.

I've been so busy at work, plus being sick, and unrested. It's nuts.

Saturday my manfriend and I met my friends at the winery for some yummy wine and laughs. We plotted how to roll a giant wine barrel all the way home, and the more we drank the more creative we became.

Did you know there were goats at the winery? Yea, they are pretty cute. Drunk people and goats make an awesome mix. Did you also know, that goats smell worse than my dog? Oh, you don't know how bad my dog smells? Lucky for you. My dog is a walking yeast infection. To no fault of her, or my own. She's kind of helpless. But every other day she has to be bathed with her special shampoo or....she smells like a cheesy armpit.

Goats are worse. I use to want one. Until I smelled them. Maybe on my island, but not before.

I spent Sunday cuddled up on the couch with the love of my life. We got up at like 6 am. I was hacking my brains out, he had a bad dream. I think it didn't help that we slept with my windows open, and it was like, 30 degrees that night. (we were warm....wink) We napped on and off the couch for a few hours, and went to get milkshakes, and rent some movies.

We watched Marley and Me, which yes, sad. And Blindness. Blindness was good....but let me warn you, quite disturbing! There was a point where we looked at each other and said "this is disturbing". But worth renting. It has Julianne Moore, and Danny Glover and some other people in it.

I love a day with nothing to do but drink up the company of the one you love, while making each other laugh. It was relaxing, and fun. Even the cats joined in on the love fest, taking turns napping on our laps, and manfriends clothes. You know how cats have rivalry with each other. They fought over who got to sleep on his pants. I also got to stay another night with my manfriend.

The down side to two nights together is that Monday night is sort of lonley. I told my cats a few times "I miss Daddy". Shhh, it's a secret that I call him that to the cats. But they like it.

Day Two....

Day two of interviewing. The good thing about this is I have no time to worry about the fact that tomorrow is my dentist appointment. I havn't been to the dentist in 16 years, and I have no time to fret.

Good thing.

Interviews are going ok. I at least have a girl I really liked today. That's progress. About 9 people did not call me back for an interview. Suckers.

It's kind of hard to go over, and make sound exciting a job 12 times a day without sounding like a cheezy car salesman. Nevermind that 99% of the people I'm interviewing are my Mom's age. I have no problem with it, but I feel like they may. Seeing how I'm the supervisor. I dunno. It sucks.

So...

1) The first woman I interviewed told me 3 times she cried at work. Then couldn't even subtotal an excel sheet, and email it to me. The ad said "proficient in excel" Pro-ficient. That's basic.

No.

2) The second one had no computer experience. Wouldn't even take the evaluation to show how well she may catch on, when I offered to walk her through it. She'd worked here before in another department, and I thought maybe she could catch on but wouldn't try.

No.

3) I have two more days of interviews. This blows.

4) Grey's anatomy can suck it, right up there with Lost on season finales. Ass-holes!

5) My entire day is consumed with interviews, and I'm taking this hour to stuff my face instead of work out. I figured I owed the applicants not to be dissheveled when I meet them. I can shower but I can't get back together again and look presentable.

6) #3 made you assume I walk around half the day at work looking like ass. Maybe I do!

I'm going to the winery tomorrow with my manfriend and friends and drink my cares away under the stars.

That's living!

Eh...

I'm super duper busy, screening applicants for work. I have to call 17 people to day to set up interviews, and I may have to come in on Saturday. Ugh.

I also found out, that there is one support person in the dept that does another job now, she's leaving. I'm replacing her also, and I'll have then 4 people vs. 2 under me. I'm movin on up. I don't even know that job and I'm supervising it. Yay me.

Other than that I'm still exhausted. I've been working out at lunch, it clears my lungs. I havn't lost weight or gained any in weeks. I'm thinking I need to change something. I started walking today despite my foot. We'll see how it feels tomorrow. I had great weight loss when I jogged.

I saw my manfriend last night. I really want to keep him. I hate it.

P.s. I got a friend request from the girl who quit on me a few months back. That felt she 'just didnt want to work out a notice". It said "Hi Fizzgig, I hope there are no hard feelings about my leaving, I always thought you were cool". Huh? Had I mentioned she's kinda clueless?

Momma Knows Best...V 2.0

My Momma told me to get some Mucinex on the referral of a friend who had a hacking cough for weeks, and her son who works in the hospital. I asked the pharmacist which was better mucinex or robitussin for what I had and he said the same thing.

I was skeptical. Mucinex is a pill, not a cough syrup. And it cost 15 bucks for 15 pills.

You get what you pay for cus I barely coughed all night and the couple times I did I got a nice phlemy suprise! Yesssss.

I slept so good, I didn't turn off my 5 phone alarms that go off daily. I called my boss at 8:05. "I just got up". You know that feeling when you're sleeping a little too good?

I think I'm on the road to recovery.

Reason 908,456,345 not to have kids. They think they are smarter than you and piss you off.

What's My Name Again?...

So, day two no sleep. I took a trazodone last night (sleeping pill) When I needed the script to sleep I took 1/4 a pill. Last night I took half. I was sleepy in half an hour, at 11. I covered myself in Vick's vapo rub, made some hot tea, and propped myself up in a sitting position (suprisingly the coughing is less frequent) and........couldn't sleep.

I did however finally sleep between the hours of 4 and 8 am, when I woke up obviously late for work.

I rushed to work and had to deal with security having harassed one of the girls that works for me, because she parked in a VP spot. We always park in a VP spot, its a perk of working for the VP's. When they travel, we use their spots. Otherwise, you have a 1.5 mile walk to your car. Today they decided to resurface the lot so the rent-a-cops decided to feel important and harass people. Uh-uh. I didn't sleep for days dickbag. I called his boss.

Then I get a call from the mail room about another girl that works for me. Apparently when she went to get the mail yesterday, she told one of the girls she needed her own mail box because her job is important. Of course the story is longer, and more boring. But the moral is, she had no right to do that. She should have come to me and I'd have told her hell no. You dont go to other departments and tell people what to do. Now I have to reprimand her. I don't like doing that. But, last week my boss said she wanted me to do more on my own, as it is MY department. Here I go.

The problem is, this girl is one that has no social skills. She talks when you talk. And doesn't shut up, and interrupts you. She butts into every conversation you have and makes it about her. She's had every ailment, been everywhere, or knows someone who has, and doesn't ever listen to a thing you say. Oh and then she got called for her random drug test today. And she doesn't drive. Yea, in this economy we still randomly drug test people.

I have my work cut out for me for sure. Glad I'm well rested!

P.S. Saw the ex husband in my "you may know" section on facebook. It made me say...what was I thinking? Euw.

P.S.S. We're starting to interview for a new person in my dept!

Does Monday Count if You didn't sleep?...

I got zero sleep last night. On account of I was up all night hacking my lungs out of my throat. I'm pretty sure not coughing and being unable to breathe was a much better feeling. At least my eyes didn't feel like they'd pop out of my skull. And my throat didn't feel like little men spent the night sanding my throat with sandpaper. And I slept. I literally saw the clock every hour. Hello Monday!

I actually had someone to take care of me too. My manfriend. I've never had that before. It's such a nice change! I think he's the sweetest thing! He still tells me I'm beautiful in the morning, even when I'm not. Tucked me in like a "me" burrito on the couch. Gave me medicine. Banged my back to break up my phlem. Made me yummy mac and cheese and delicious lemon tea with honey. Kissed me even though I'm highly contagious, and said he couldn't keep his lips off me if I paid him. (awww!)

We are both continually amazed at how unlike "everyone else" we both are. It doesn't get old either. I think once you've struck out so many times with shitty people, when you really find what you are looking for, it's like Christmas every day. (I love presents, but I love my manfriend way more!)

Another reason I happen to think he is irresistable, is the fact that I made his cat a catster page...and he didn't tell me it was stupid. There is also a cat at his house that is a stray, and injured. His back leg is hurt and he can't walk he plops over. He stayed outside with me while I petted him forever, and didn't complain, and actually had compassion for that animal. He also fed it a can of food. Shhh... Then he took pictures of him for me to post online found ads.

And, wait for it......

He actually said we should open an animal rescue. I think someone mixed all the perfect man ingredients in a big bowl, and baked me a manfriend. Now, the universe has to send me the lottery for all this to happen, but I'm confident it will.

And I love having inside jokes with someone.Like this scene from Superbad.

Did you have a happy Mother's Day? I didn't see my Mother. She can't catch what I have cus it'll be worse for her. I spent it burrito'd up on the couch with a cute boy!

Reason 234 I'm meant to be with my manfriend? His friend told him this weekend he's destined to be an old cat man. (like I'm totally gonna be an old cat lady) so we decided to be old cat people together. Eat that world!

P.S. Have you heard this remake of careless whisper by Seether? (BTW: Awesome.) But, I did learn that all this time I thought these lyrics:

'should have known better than to cheat a friend'

was

'sugar don't bite I like to cheat a friend'

Happiness Is...

Happiness is reliving your childhood! Remember the game Mash, and how awesome it was at predicting your future? That is, if you were ever a teenage girl. (this excludes my mom, who as a teenager probably didn't have pencils to play games. She had to play with cans and rocks)

I did MASH online, and here's a glimpse into my future:


Your husband's name is Edwin (McCain) and you have 0 children. (Yessssssss!) You're a Vet who drives to work every day in a red mazda.

It's truly a wonderful life when you consider the countless romantic nights you have spent with Edwin in your house in Charleston, SC.

I mean, if I can't marry my manfriend, I may as well marry Edwin. Edwin is married, but his wife will totally understand. And maybe I should tell my manfriend in an effort to make him jealous? Ohhh, I'm Kidding. He's not the jealous type. At least not crazy jealous. You know, it's nice to hear someone say "you're mine" when they don't mean you are their propert. It's super cute!

You can play mash for yourself at this link. Ah, memories.

Is it mean to be annoyed that all I hear about at work is someone's wedding? I must have told said person, that she is going to have major post wedding let-down 15 times, because its over in a flash, and then your like....uhhhh so I'm married? Now what do I spend 99% of my life doing...since my wedding is no longer being planned?

Next time it happens for me (which it will, because thats what I want and the law of the universe says I can have what I want) I'm getting married at the beach. With like a couple people, if anyone. Because the next time, its going to be cus I'm madly in love, and can't imagine my life without him. Not because I want the "american dream" with the white dress and the family and all the bells and whistles. I want what all of that is suppose to stand for, real love.

Speaking of real love. I'm a fan of cuddling. I mean, quite literally, on facebook, I'm a fan. Last week they posted this article which is so cheesily cute I can't stand it. I read it to my manfriend, while using the "how to cuddle" instructions to put the moves on him. It was one of those moments I'll always remember. Laughing. Being silly. Cuddling. And telling my manfriend what a nice, soft, squishy pillow he makes. (it was #8 on the cuddling list)

Lastley I'm sick. I should have known yesterday when the inferno which is me was actually cold, to the point I had to wear a sweater. I feel like I have an elephant on my chest. And my stomach is in knots. I don't think its the swine flu, but I definately need some robitussin to hack up some yummy phlem.

I'm still working out. Because I have to.

Did you watch Grey's Anatomy? And cry your eyes out? Great balls of fire, that show makes me have sappy feelings!

Sometimes I like to be inspiring...

Sometimes, just for a minute...I think that no one can have everything they want. It's stinkin' thinkin, and I only let it in for a minute and I immediately thank the universe for all the good in my life, and I know I deserve every peice of it. I say out loud "I deserve to be happy". And let it pass.

It's hard to be such a freaking ray of sunshine all the time. No, it's not. But I wanted everyone else to feel better if they aren't.



"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer I love this saying. The more you repeat it out loud, the more sense it makes.



Your perspective changes when you make a conscious choice to do so. In a big way for me, this is relationships. Once I started being honest with myself about what I want and need, I started looking at my current and past relationships and evaluating them with a an outside perspective. Am I really happy? Or, am I simply accepting something less than what I deserve, to make it seem like I'm in control? Because I don't think I can have it all?


Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

This phrase has meant a lot to me on my journey of self discovery. Along with "we do not become what we want, we become what we believe"

You have to truely believe in something for it to manifest. If you want love, make room for it. Don't waste your time on things that are not benefiting you. Get to know yourself. What you like. What you don't like. Try new things. Enjoy your own company. Eventually, you can share yourself with another person. Because you know who you are.

I kept love away by being in shitty relationships. By being fat. Because to me...love hurts. It took me a long time to admit that was what I was doing. I thought I was just having fun, or being carefree. But really, I was pushing the possibility of love out of my life by not loving and respecting myself. Not my body, not my mind. If I pretended I didn't want love, then it was my choice. It wasn't that no one would love me the way I was. I didn't sit around and cry all the time, that's not the unhappy I was. I was an empty unhappy. I had to devote serious time to contemplate that.

Another negative thought I often have ...and turn positive, is "why did I waste so much time being unhappy?" Instanly I follow that with "I had to learn what happiness was". I don't wish away the years I was not happy. It just feels so good right now, to have a heart full of peace, and a quiet mind, that I only wish I had started sooner, and that I can magically give it to everyone who suffers too. It's so simple to be happy. The first step is choosing to be.

It's also no secret that I didn't find my cute manfriend until I started on this path either. We both met on a path of self discovery. I said before I want to hold his hand the rest of the way. We talk a lot about wishing we'd met sooner, and we immediately follow that up with "but you wouldn't have known me" because it's true. We were both different people. I wouldn't have appreciated him, and he, me.

Taking time to reflect on your past, allows you to see why you were led down the path you were. I think this also teaches you how to trust your gut. Usually, there were signs of things to come, that you stuffed away, and ignored. In the end, you can look back and say..."I was right!"

In the end...like attracts like. If you want love, be love. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, and someone will come in and share that love with you. Put out what you want to receive. If you are only spouting out negative. Doing negative. Denying yourself what you truley want...that is in fact, what you will get in return. I often say "no one loves me the way I do". (Usually, this is when I'm buying myself jewelry in the employee store at work...and justifying it. But it's true! I can't expect someone to buy me diamonds. I buy me diamonds, and then I'm not disappointed)

Bong! (that's the gong sound)

-----------------
While I'm full of inspiration, I recommend reading "The craggy hole in my heart and the cat who fixed it" by Geneen Roth. She has a humorous/relatable way of finding the you inside that you hide from the world.

The Craggy Hole in My Heart is a tale about the crucible of love. When we deeply enter into relationship with another being-a cat, a dog, a person-we are ultimately saying, "I am willing to go through the grief of being there when you die. Or of leaving you behind when I die." The book, then, is about opening the heart enough to love full-tilt, then losing what you love most and surviving. About coming to terms with what you believe will destroy you. It's about love like the Midtown Tunnel.

I posted an excerpt written by her cat back in 2006, and it still speaks to me. About how you can give a pet, a family member, a man (or woman) a beautiful life and never think to treat yourself that well. Read it here.

Sister Sludge....

Imagine you run a nice hot bath, and when you go in to shut the water off, its full of nasty shit as pictured here.



So, you wait until the hot water fills up hours later, at 12am you try to take a bath again... it's the same thing!







Lucky for me I had a plumber for a dad, and I paid attention to things. I went to the garage and unattached my hose, and hooked it up to the water tank and drained it into the utility sink.

I have really dirty hair. I shower after my workout at work, but I only blowdry my hair, I don't wash it til I get home.






I didn't wash my stank sweaty hair yesterday.






I was at my Momma's after work watching Grey Garden's, the remake w/Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lang. I think you have to see the documentary to appreciate how good a job those two did portraying the Beals. Brilliant!




And, the documentary helps you remember to not think its just a movie. They actually had those raccoons in the walls and cats peeing on the bed on camera. It's actually kinda sad when you see how they use to live "high on the hog" (that one was for Kat) and lost it all.

Here's what else it makes you think about. I'm happy to be alive right now, in the millenium, when my #1 goal in life is not to find a man to marry me so I'm "taken care of" otherwise, I'll live in squalor and have raccoons eating loaves of bread out my kitchen. Seriously, how sad a world that seems to have been. Settling for being unhappy with some man who mistreats you, just so you can leave home.

I probably would have ended up just like little Eddy!

I'd rather dream of owning my own island. And paying my bills. It makes me want to go burn my bra. Except for, that wouldn't be pretty for me to go braless.

P.S. Did you hear the story of this 911 call where the cop hangs up on the girl several times? Douchebag! He's not even in trouble!

The Simple Things...

I have a new favorite thing, and I think they should send me free stuff. Dove cleansing cloths. They are for your face. I started using them when I go tanning because, well...they are free, so why not. They are the dry cloths with dots of cleanser on them and when you wet them they lather up.

But, my face belongs to Wexler. What I do love those cloths for, is showers! I bought a whole package and stuck it in my gym bag. This cuts down on my having to lug around body wash, and a loufah! Which was a pain in the ass because the loufah is always wet, and yes I put it in a zip loc.

My only complaint is, why the hell don't they make these for your body? It's a brilliant idea. Just a smidge bigger because the soap does run out awful fast.

I'd Rather hang around than over...

I might still be a bit hung over. Lucky for me a couple years back I caught the noro virus and urgent care gave me a script for nausea, which also happens to work for hangovers. It wasn't worth having that virus though. I think it would give the swine flu a run for its money.

I had a fabulous weekend, which topped off by the fact that I got to spend 3 days and 2 nights with my manfriend, makes it the nuts on a sundae! (I like nuts!)

This picture of course, is David Draiman from Disturbed. He popped up behind us to get down with the sickness for the encore. As always, they did not disappoint, and put on one hell of a show. My only complaint about this "music as a weapon" tour, is that Lacuna Coil (who in my opinion is 100 times better than Chmira, AND Killswitch Engage....) Only played for 20 minutes.



Oh, I lied, I had two complaints. When we got tickets like 3 months ago for the show, it was at the Wolstein Center. (which for out of towners is an indoor venue) They just decided to change it to the amphitheater. Who changes a concert venue? To outside? After you buy tickets? In May? In Ohio? Luckily, it wasn't cold, but normally, it's like 30 degrees at night. Assholes! Doubly lucky I was jamming out and keeping myself warm. Thirdly lucky I have a pretty cute manfriend who kept me warm!



Oh third complaint's a charm. They shoved all us smokers at the OUTDOOR venue into a corner the size of a dog run, quite literally. We were packed in like sardines. Nevermind our taxes pay for half the crap the rest of the city enjoys. Cleveland kinda sux like that.



On Saturday, we had a fire, with the neighbors...I had those Skinny Girl Margaritas as discussed on the Real Housewives of NY...So, essentially, I drank a bottle of Cuervo silver, and a bottle of triple sec. And 5 limes. Manfriend shared too. But there was no mixer in those margaritas. Straight alchohol, and pretty damn delicious! I only ate 1 taco all day in a stupid effort to not blow my whole "im on a roll and cant run cus my foot hurts" speal. I was yakking 4 hours later, by midnight. But wow did I have some fun before that! It's rough to balance calories...and drinking.



Monday I recuperated. We got up at like 8 am the last two days too. (what, now we're 80?) I blame the manfriend. I could've slept longer. We went to eat at Bob Evans mmmmm, and made the ever exciting trip to Wal Mart. We dug thru the $5 movie bin, and I got a couple good flicks, and kept putting one back to keep my purchase limit at 2 movies. (Get out of debt in 2010, I'm fo-real!) Manfriend ended up giving me a movie later at his house that I put back which was an awesome classic....My Bloody Valentine, and April Fools Day....(both the originals..)



I thought it was pretty nice of him, that's why I promoted him to Sergeant of the Cute police. I know you probably want to vomit, but that's OK. I'm secure in my disgusting love.

Even cuter, he took me to his house for Sunday night, and brought me back on Monday. Like a real date kinda sorta. It was sweet, cus remember, we live 48 miles apart. (Depending on which route you take....mine is the shortest at 45, manfriends way is 52 but don't tell him that) I also happen to love the way he talks to his cat like a little person....there is something about a person who can relate to animals in such an open way.



I had a spectacular weekend. It's nice to laugh and have a good time, and being reminded how nice love can be when its with the right person. I always feel safe and taken care of with manfriend, and he's just so sweet to me I can barely stand it. It's also nice to be reminded that I do have friends that still kickit, and manfriend's friends are a good time too. Even if they do live in Cleveland. (ah, that was for Alexa!)

I'm Recovering...

I'm not live today.


Saturday we had margaritas and mexican (I had skinny girl margarita's ....you don't want to know how many calories is in a real margarita!) with the neighbors. We planned to have a fire, but who knows if this happened as it may have rained. After all, I live in Ohio.

Sunday we got down with the sickness with Disturbed up in the Cleves. I'll tell you all about it on Tuesday. I know the excitement is swelling inside you!

Unless I won the mega millions on friday. In which case, I'll pick up blogging from my own personal island. Preferably this little gem in Australia.

Laugh all you want. One day, it will be mine. And I wont have the swine flu. Boo ya!

The past is past...

After reading this post over at Starting over my wheels started turning. Go read the post I'll wait....

Do people judge you by your past relationships? Do you even want to know about someones past? I think you are curious, but there is such a thing as too much.

I know when I was with my very first boyfriend we had a very codependant relationship. I was insecure, and clingy. I was also 12. I had several relationships until I met the boy I would marry one day...the ex husband. With him, I was a total and complete mess who lost myself in the 7 years we were together through mental and physical abuse, and being cheated on several times.

This continued with several men, until I took time to be alone and decide what I wanted, and who I was. That's taken me about 10 years. And I'm still learning! It always reminds me of the runaway bride, where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts' exes what kind of eggs she liked, and she always liked her eggs how the boys liked theirs. When he asked her what eggs she liked it was completely different. P.S. Did you love the proposal in this movie, or what?? Still makes me cry! Seen it a billion times! P.S. S. If you havn't seen the movie, this is the ending so you may not want to watch.



10 years ago I was married, and I wanted to have a family (yes...kids...ME!). I owned a home, and did yardwork and crafts. I packed my husbands lunches, made dinner each night, and washed his dirty drawers. Today, I couldn't imagine having kids, (no naps???) I can barely remember to pack my own lunch, and I'm constantly doing laundry cus I leave it in the washer too long and it smells musty. I'm not a model wife. But I'm a damn good girlfriend who is happy. Genuinley happy. Progress.


In the 10 years I've been divorced, I've dated a few more people too. And I can say today, I'm nothing like I was with any of those guys. I learned a little each time. Each ended for various reasons; "I'm joining the army", "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" (anyone ever get this one??) "Hey...You're crazy bitch" (remember I said I use to be a little nutty) "I went to Denver for the weekend and decided I'm moving there" (yea, he disappeared, and then moved out) "I'm just not that into him", "Um, if we don't break up one of us is gonna die", "you and your drug problems aren't going to bring me down anymore". (him...not me. My drug problem is I dated people with them)

The common denominator is....We just weren't good matches. But I'm not like I was with any of these guys with my current manfriend. I am myself, the me I know and love, for the first time in any relationship. (this is a big ups to the manfriend, cus he loves me for me...but who wouldn't?)

Knowing the past only causes "what if's" to come up. Sometimes the what if's are what make the if's come true. (that's deep....)

The past makes us who we are today, and today is what is important. I can't think because you use to put your ex girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet, that you'll do it to me. (or...ex boyfriends...heh heh heh...) Living in the moment, is something that is so hard to do, but so fulfilling.

And furthermore...I'd rather not know if you cheated on your girlfriend. If you cheat on me, we have problems. Being someone who has cheated, I know that once a cheater, is not always a cheater, so why is that relevant?

I don't want to know if you had amazing sex with another girl. As far as I'm concerned, I took your virginity. I would rather be ignorant to this aspect, and not think that someone else ever made you melt, or turned you on. Or, bought you underwear. Tell me your Mom bought them.

If you went somewhere you are taking me with someone else, why bring it up? It's only going to make me hope I'm living up to your past experiences. Let me think its your first time.

I don't want to think that you liked holding someone else, kissing them, whispering in their ear, or calling them cute names. I am quite sure these are all experiences we've all had with other people....but what good does my knowing the details do?