"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, May 01, 2009

The past is past...

After reading this post over at Starting over my wheels started turning. Go read the post I'll wait....

Do people judge you by your past relationships? Do you even want to know about someones past? I think you are curious, but there is such a thing as too much.

I know when I was with my very first boyfriend we had a very codependant relationship. I was insecure, and clingy. I was also 12. I had several relationships until I met the boy I would marry one day...the ex husband. With him, I was a total and complete mess who lost myself in the 7 years we were together through mental and physical abuse, and being cheated on several times.

This continued with several men, until I took time to be alone and decide what I wanted, and who I was. That's taken me about 10 years. And I'm still learning! It always reminds me of the runaway bride, where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts' exes what kind of eggs she liked, and she always liked her eggs how the boys liked theirs. When he asked her what eggs she liked it was completely different. P.S. Did you love the proposal in this movie, or what?? Still makes me cry! Seen it a billion times! P.S. S. If you havn't seen the movie, this is the ending so you may not want to watch.

10 years ago I was married, and I wanted to have a family (yes...kids...ME!). I owned a home, and did yardwork and crafts. I packed my husbands lunches, made dinner each night, and washed his dirty drawers. Today, I couldn't imagine having kids, (no naps???) I can barely remember to pack my own lunch, and I'm constantly doing laundry cus I leave it in the washer too long and it smells musty. I'm not a model wife. But I'm a damn good girlfriend who is happy. Genuinley happy. Progress.

In the 10 years I've been divorced, I've dated a few more people too. And I can say today, I'm nothing like I was with any of those guys. I learned a little each time. Each ended for various reasons; "I'm joining the army", "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" (anyone ever get this one??) "Hey...You're crazy bitch" (remember I said I use to be a little nutty) "I went to Denver for the weekend and decided I'm moving there" (yea, he disappeared, and then moved out) "I'm just not that into him", "Um, if we don't break up one of us is gonna die", "you and your drug problems aren't going to bring me down anymore". (him...not me. My drug problem is I dated people with them)

The common denominator is....We just weren't good matches. But I'm not like I was with any of these guys with my current manfriend. I am myself, the me I know and love, for the first time in any relationship. (this is a big ups to the manfriend, cus he loves me for me...but who wouldn't?)

Knowing the past only causes "what if's" to come up. Sometimes the what if's are what make the if's come true. (that's deep....)

The past makes us who we are today, and today is what is important. I can't think because you use to put your ex girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet, that you'll do it to me. (or...ex boyfriends...heh heh heh...) Living in the moment, is something that is so hard to do, but so fulfilling.

And furthermore...I'd rather not know if you cheated on your girlfriend. If you cheat on me, we have problems. Being someone who has cheated, I know that once a cheater, is not always a cheater, so why is that relevant?

I don't want to know if you had amazing sex with another girl. As far as I'm concerned, I took your virginity. I would rather be ignorant to this aspect, and not think that someone else ever made you melt, or turned you on. Or, bought you underwear. Tell me your Mom bought them.

If you went somewhere you are taking me with someone else, why bring it up? It's only going to make me hope I'm living up to your past experiences. Let me think its your first time.

I don't want to think that you liked holding someone else, kissing them, whispering in their ear, or calling them cute names. I am quite sure these are all experiences we've all had with other people....but what good does my knowing the details do?


Erin said...

I don't believe in judging people for their past, and I certainly don't want to know about it... I mean, we are who we are because of everything we go through with other relationships. So, I embrace it and realize, both with friends and husbands, that if they didn't have their past, they would be completely different then who they are now. Just don't fill me in on every little detail!!!

LBluca77 said...

I think people judge you by your past relationships if you repeatedly make the same bad mistakes but expect a different result. Isn't that the definition of insanity repeating the same thing over hoping for a different result?

I know I have repeated the same type of relationships. And i do judge myself a bit for it.

merider (M.E.-rider) said...

Fizz, I love this post. You are a very endearing writer who, with humor, reveals so much. As for the past, I completely agree. People often wallow in it themselves so they are curious about others' past lives. In my case, I've never married and have had few relationships (long term). I've always known how I like my eggs and can't imagine going along with what another wants, so I really don't have much of a past (unless you count criminal - heh heh). But your sentiments on what you do want to know and what you don't, are dead on. People should only live in the present.

LiLu said...

"I'd rather not know if you cheated on your girlfriend."

I agree that once does not equal always, but I still want to know... especially if it was MORE than once... But I will judge the situation for itself, rather than the sole fact that he cheated.

Carmen said...

Great post! I used to feel (and maybe it was just me) that the fact that I was divorced meant that people may judge me. Now... even if they do I don't care. As much as I am happy no longer being in that toxic relationship I do realize that it taught me a bunch about myself and helped shaped the strong and confident (sometimes) person that I am today.

I just hope that one day I can find myself a Manfriend...

Damsel Underdressed said...

The new guy and I were talking about divorce. He said he has watched people go through it and it doesn't look like fun. I told him it is not a walk in the park but because I went through it, I am stronger, smarter, more confident and independent. I told him I'm Tina version 2.0.

So you are right. We evolve into who we are. If we never had bad experiences or made mistakes, how would we know when we were having good experiences and getting it right?