Thursday, May 07, 2009
Sometimes I like to be inspiring...
Sometimes, just for a minute...I think that no one can have everything they want. It's stinkin' thinkin, and I only let it in for a minute and I immediately thank the universe for all the good in my life, and I know I deserve every peice of it. I say out loud "I deserve to be happy". And let it pass.
It's hard to be such a freaking ray of sunshine all the time. No, it's not. But I wanted everyone else to feel better if they aren't.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer I love this saying. The more you repeat it out loud, the more sense it makes.
Your perspective changes when you make a conscious choice to do so. In a big way for me, this is relationships. Once I started being honest with myself about what I want and need, I started looking at my current and past relationships and evaluating them with a an outside perspective. Am I really happy? Or, am I simply accepting something less than what I deserve, to make it seem like I'm in control? Because I don't think I can have it all?
Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.
This phrase has meant a lot to me on my journey of self discovery. Along with "we do not become what we want, we become what we believe"
You have to truely believe in something for it to manifest. If you want love, make room for it. Don't waste your time on things that are not benefiting you. Get to know yourself. What you like. What you don't like. Try new things. Enjoy your own company. Eventually, you can share yourself with another person. Because you know who you are.
I kept love away by being in shitty relationships. By being fat. Because to me...love hurts. It took me a long time to admit that was what I was doing. I thought I was just having fun, or being carefree. But really, I was pushing the possibility of love out of my life by not loving and respecting myself. Not my body, not my mind. If I pretended I didn't want love, then it was my choice. It wasn't that no one would love me the way I was. I didn't sit around and cry all the time, that's not the unhappy I was. I was an empty unhappy. I had to devote serious time to contemplate that.
Another negative thought I often have ...and turn positive, is "why did I waste so much time being unhappy?" Instanly I follow that with "I had to learn what happiness was". I don't wish away the years I was not happy. It just feels so good right now, to have a heart full of peace, and a quiet mind, that I only wish I had started sooner, and that I can magically give it to everyone who suffers too. It's so simple to be happy. The first step is choosing to be.
It's also no secret that I didn't find my cute manfriend until I started on this path either. We both met on a path of self discovery. I said before I want to hold his hand the rest of the way. We talk a lot about wishing we'd met sooner, and we immediately follow that up with "but you wouldn't have known me" because it's true. We were both different people. I wouldn't have appreciated him, and he, me.
Taking time to reflect on your past, allows you to see why you were led down the path you were. I think this also teaches you how to trust your gut. Usually, there were signs of things to come, that you stuffed away, and ignored. In the end, you can look back and say..."I was right!"
In the end...like attracts like. If you want love, be love. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, and someone will come in and share that love with you. Put out what you want to receive. If you are only spouting out negative. Doing negative. Denying yourself what you truley want...that is in fact, what you will get in return. I often say "no one loves me the way I do". (Usually, this is when I'm buying myself jewelry in the employee store at work...and justifying it. But it's true! I can't expect someone to buy me diamonds. I buy me diamonds, and then I'm not disappointed)
Bong! (that's the gong sound)
While I'm full of inspiration, I recommend reading "The craggy hole in my heart and the cat who fixed it" by Geneen Roth. She has a humorous/relatable way of finding the you inside that you hide from the world.
The Craggy Hole in My Heart is a tale about the crucible of love. When we deeply enter into relationship with another being-a cat, a dog, a person-we are ultimately saying, "I am willing to go through the grief of being there when you die. Or of leaving you behind when I die." The book, then, is about opening the heart enough to love full-tilt, then losing what you love most and surviving. About coming to terms with what you believe will destroy you. It's about love like the Midtown Tunnel.
I posted an excerpt written by her cat back in 2006, and it still speaks to me. About how you can give a pet, a family member, a man (or woman) a beautiful life and never think to treat yourself that well. Read it here.