I have been talking a lot about the secret, and my whole new path I'm on with positive thinking. I've decided to stop and take inventory of some changes that have come along. You need only read my archives from 2005 and 2006 to see how different I am, and it wasn't by accident. I mean, I'm still the same person, but I have a whole new perspective on life. More and more people in my own life, are struggling for their own happiness, and I thought it may help to see that this stuff does work, and it's not malarky.
While I've always been into self help, and self discovery, it never really changed me. I knew what I should be doing, and thinking and feeling, but applying it was a whole different story. In essence, I was just "talking the talk". I've read about fear of intimacy, codependency, self love, eating disorders, how to get what you want, knowing yourself, pretty much if there is a book about it I've either read it or listened to it. I wont say nothing came of it, because through all of that, I learned to enjoy my own company, and stand on my own two feet. I stopped being codependant for the most part. That part of my journey is a whole other story. I didn't even know how to pay my bills at one point in my life, and I was so lost without a man, I spent weeks in bed. (Don't miss THAT girl!)
But still, something was missing. I was watching Ellen in 2006 and there was a brief little spot about "The Secret" I thought it was totally interesting, but nothing came of it. I got a couple of books on buddhism, because I thought maybe I was missing religion in my life. Religion, for the most part, is bullshit to me. I like to take responsibility for my destiny, and what better way, than to study buddhism? The more I read, the more I liked. I started applying what I did know to situations in my life.
Then I saw "The Secret" on Oprah. I was inspired. I started saying that I needed a change in my life, something was missing. I was starting to speak to the universe already, through meditation, and learning that I can make my own happiness, and not depend on others to do it for me. (all this gets you is disappointment and resentment!) One day on my lunch break, I went to borders, and bought the book, "the secret". When I came back to work, I showed a coworker, who was also reading the book, and the rest is history. I started on my path. I knew it was meant for me to do that this particular day, and have someone to share it with.
I dont believe in coincidence anymore. Just reassurances that I'm on the right path in my life. One part of the book said to think about what you most want and flip to a random spot in the book. What I wanted was love, and I flipped to a spot about self love, and knowing yourself before you can love anyone else. Coincedence?
I was hungry for more information. I started listening to CD's of Wayne Dyer. One in particular, "Change your Thoughts, Change your Life" made an impression on me. At first, you think, how can changing my thoughts have any impact on me? They are just thoughts. He explained it this way, (not a quote..) Think of a memory from your past, a happy one, how does it make you feel? Do you laugh? Think of a sad one, do you cry? Memories are just thoughts. Thoughts, that create emotions strong enough to last lifetimes. But they are just thoughts, you cant touch them. Love, is a feeling, you can't touch it. You base love on the thoughts you have about someone, yet the feeling is so intense. Thoughts are very powerful, you should spend your time having positive ones.
So I did the whole sha-bang, every time I had a negative thought, I changed it to a positive. You just find the polar opposite of whatever negative thought you have. "This is too good to be true" can be changed into "I deserve this". I made a dream board, which has changed from time to time, and it isnt elaborate by any means, it has a few pictures on it. I stopped telling myself that I didn't want a relationship, because that was exactly what I got, non-relationships.
I stopped worrying about money, and starte believing I would have more. I told myself I have enough. I started finding things in my life to be thankful for (which is what my momma always told me) I started being honest with myself about what I wanted. I made a life list. I decided that I wanted to be in love, but with the right person. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to be happy. Truely, happy. I recognized my good qualities. I embraced them, and I stopped hating anything about me. I became my own best friend. If I didn't like me, who the hell would? I stopped worrying about the rest of the world, and focused on me.
Things started to change for me. I actually started to lose weight. Now, I had been trying for years. At one point, I worked out 7 days a week and never dropped a pound. For months. Hourrrrs. My mind wasn't in it. I was sabotaging myself with negativity. I made up my own personal mantra for when I worked out, telling myself I am happy, thin, healthy, wealthy, and loveable. Over. And over. For the first time in years, I've lost 50 lbs. I work out less now than I did then, the difference is my thinking. Knowing I can do it. Being positive it will happen.
Then, theres my boyfriend. I mean, if he wasn't sent to me by the universe, then there is no sun in the sky, and to even begin to say all of the things he is that I've always wanted, you'd think I baked him in my easy-bake oven like my own gingerbread man! (with a tool belt!) And knowing him, it would've never worked with us any other time in life. Part of what connects us is our journies. Being open to the possiblility of this relationship was new to me as well. Through all the changes I've learned to trust myself. Shut out all the other noise, and learn what the real me inside is saying, which is so much easier when the negative thoughts shut the hell up.
I wanted a cheaper car payment, while still having a cute car, and I'm driving it.
I asked to be more compassionate in this post, and I'd say I am a way more compassionate person today than even a year ago!
I wanted to earn more money, and quit my second job, well, my salary is almost doubled and I'm working one job! This one I struggled for months trying to find work. All the while saying "it'll happen when the time is right". And here I am, at my same employer, making more, with a new job!
I wanted to have weekends off so I quit my crappy job at the police station, and within days found a job working thru the week, just like I had wanted. Actually, at the place I had regretted quitting over a year ago.
Then, there are the smaller things, like I now have the phone I posted on my dream board.
I had some chinese symbols on my board for wealth, happiness, money, and it turns out one of them was for Reiki, which I'd always been interested in, but couldn't afford to do. Who is now a certified Reiki practitioner? ME! How about how I got to be a certified Reiki practitioner, as I didn't have the money to do so, and a friend from high school on myspace offered me a free attunement because he had a "feeling" he should.
Even the sweeper I bought this week, on a "whim" because I couldn't stand my dirty carpets, was posted on my dream board. I knew I wanted "one" this one happened to be on sale. This was what inspired me to start keeping track of things that have come about.
Now, I am packing. Everyone asks me "are you moving?" I say yes. When they ask where, I say I don't know yet. I know I am going to be moving, so I am acting as though I am doing it. I still struggle with negative thoughts, and get down in the dumps, I am after all human. But, life to me is all about perspective. If you go around saying "life sucks, I'm fat, no one wants me" that's exactly what you get, and wonder why you are getting it. Pay attention to urges you get for changes in your life. Think more positively. Be thankful for what you do have, and see what it does for you. Me? I'm convinced. And I look forward to more positive changes in my life!