"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dear Mr. You Pretty Much Sucked....

I totally ripped this concept off Alanis Morissette. That song where she thanks her exes for good things she got out of relationships? I didn't have any good ones. So, I started this a long time ago (almost 2 years) as part of my letting go of the past to heal my future. I've since let these things go, for me to move on in my own self healing, but never posted it. I think its good to look back sometimes. I am so happy in my current relationship, one may think I had it easy.

To my exes:

Dear MH. I thought I loved you. I was young. We spent a lot of time together. You were the first boy to kiss me. We became too attached to each other, and my mom had to give us 'the talk'. But you taught me all about making out, and writing notes, talking on the phone for hours, being kids, and the art of liking a boy! You cheated on me with a really (so I thought) good friend. I don't really miss you or think of you fondly anymore.

Dear CF you were my first real boyfriend. You taught me what it was like to be crazy for somebody. You use to walk 10+ miles just to see me. You took me to my first dance. My first........well. We were together 3 years. You broke my heart when you left for the army. We reconnected a couple of years ago, to find you are married, with 3 children, unhappily, but still married. I was in a crappy relationship at the time too. We were pen pals. Then, I believe she made you stop. I'll always think about you. Forever.

Dear DF. My husband. I use to like boys who were destructive, posessive, and alchoholics/drug addicts. It all started with you. You cheated on me constantly, and blamed me for it, destroyed my self esteem. Made fun of me. I loved you too much, and based my own self worth on what you thought about me. I'd starve myself, because I thought if I were only thinner you'd love me. Not cheat on me. Not catch you at strip clubs (which consequently I would move his car so he would think it was stolen) I started my battle with controlling others because of you. I'll never understand why you hurt me so much, but it doesn't matter. The fact is that you did. I gave you everything and got nothing in return. And you hurt me mentally and physically. When you left me I fell apart. I couldn't "be". You didn't want to be "tied down" as if marriage ever stopped you from doing anything. You ruined me for a long, long, long time. I let you affect me in every aspect of my life for years. You taught me not to trust, love, open up, give, play, live for myself, cry, or even laugh. Because that all made me weak, and stupid. Forgiving you has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I finally did, and I couldn't be happier. I think about you a lot because we spent 7 years together. But now when I think about you, I don't have the gut wrenching hatred I use to. They are just memories, unassociated with any feelings. It took me 10 years to get there.

Dear DZL. You were my three year rebound from my husband. You also made me feel good at first. Desired. Giddy. But that changed into feeling like an out of control, worthless peice of crap. I didn't know how to be alone, and unobsessed with whatever someone else was doing, to distract me from myself . You were also abusive to me, only you didn't try to hide it. I wasn't worth your time, except in the sack. Your job was to keep tabs on me. You isolated me from my friends, yet, wouldn't be a friend to me yourself. You did nothing but tear down what shred of self esteem was left after my marriage. You broke me. I tried to love you. But it was not healthy. You cheated on me too. I was lucky enough to have a friend who cared about me and made me leave you. You taught me, not to be an ignorant lazy fuck, or I'd wind up like you. It was with you that I started to better myself financially. Worked two jobs, when you didn't have one. For that, I thank you. I realized I could only depend on me, and made a better life for myself. Because of you I became too independant which would be the downfall of my next relationship.

Dear MH. You were my boss. We had a little affair. It helped me to escape my life with DZL. I never felt bad about what we did at the time. You made me feel incredibly sexy. It could never have gone anywhere. I realized from our talks, that I'm worth more than a peice on the side. And, that's why it ended. I found my self respect. I felt bad about this for a long time, but I'm not the one who should feel bad. You are. And, I'm letting it go.

Dear SG. You were different. You were also my shortest ever relationship at 7 months. We sat on the porch and talked for hours. We enjoyed each others company, and you didn't hurt me mentally or physically. But, you did steal from me, and used me for a place to live when it was convenient for you. And skipped town without a second thought. When I think about you nothing positive comes to mind, except the sex. Big whoop. Now, you have a couple kids, and still no money or stability. I hope your wife is happy living like a squatter. I don't miss you.

Dear TWDSO. You were not right for me, but you treated me good. You made me realize what it is like to be in a relationship with no abuse, where someone tries to care about you. You wanted to rescue me. You couldn't make me happy because I wasn't happy. I finally tried to make myself happy, and I learned exactly what I wanted in a relationship while I was with you. And that's why in the end I had to leave. We didn't talk. We didn't share anything. We didn't have much in common. We both worked too much, and were too into our jobs. I can't blame you for much, but you pissed me off an awful lot. We didn't have the same dreams. Interests. I like to have fun, and you didn't. It was with you that I realized this, and that it was OK. We were decent friends. The sex sucked. I realized with you that I needed to be with someone who was open, and honest, silly, passionate, and makes me laugh. I couldn't cry in front of you. You never comforted me, when anything was wrong, nor did you support me, or my ideas. I always resented you for that. I was too independant for you. You wanted me to be something I wasn't. I'm a free spirit, and that never meant I wanted to be free.

Dear CP. I met you when I started to discover who I really am. I had left TWDSO because I wasn't happy. I thought you would make me happy. Old habits are easy to fall into, and I was under the impression you would take care of me. But I wanted you to be something you weren't. I got wrapped up in how much you loved me, and that you proposed to me. I never had those feelings for you, and I can be honest about it now. I was constantly disappointed in you, for not being what I wanted. That was my fault in it. Your involvement with drugs began to take over your life, and furthered my constant disappointment. Once I decided to live my life and not care about what you did, I began to see that I make me happy. I control my life. I say who hurts me and who doesn't. I'm not a victem. What a hard lesson. It was hard to make you leave, but one of the best decisions I ever made for myself.

Dear CN. You weren't an ex. I did like you, and you made me laugh. But, I wasn't ever what you wanted, until I decided what I really wanted was to be loved the way I have loved others my whole life. Unconditionally. We were what each other needed for a while, and it allowed me to have my single girl fun, and a consistent booty call. What I wanted was...(to quote sex and the city) love. Real love. Ridiculous. Inconvenient. Consuming. Can't live without each other love. And making myself available to that meant cutting you out of my life.

Dear manfriend. You really threw me for a loop. While I knew I wanted to find real love, I had no idea I would, when I began chatting with you thru email. I met you at a great time in my life when I was happy being alone. I wasn't looking for happiness, I was creating it for myself. Being me. Becoming my true self, that had always been locked away. I am who I always wanted to be, and I can see that even more thru your eyes. You like the things in me that I like in myself. We are in love, and I know in my heart you are the yin to my yang. That is the only reason I can have patience with the progression of our relationship. I hope for you that you find the same peace I've found, that comes with letting go. I'm waiting. And when you are at the same point on your path, I will hold your hand until we reach the end. You have an incredibly kind heart, and my connection to you is undeniable. I thank the universe every night that it brought you to me. And having gone through all the aforementioned relationships, was entirely worth the reward at the end. And the work I had to do on myself. The work I still do. Finding inner peace is something you and I share, that I've never had with anyone else.


Momma said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh,,, sniff sniff..
I knew you were following in my footsteps, so maybe it was good that I was not here to rescue you. You used to come to me and let it out and then go back for more, as I always did. Pushing you from the nest made you learn to fly. So glad you found your wings. I am proud of you.. and I love you more than you can ever know.

Fizzgig said...

yea, i think someone else in the family will do the same!wink.
why you gonna try n make me cry. sniff sniff.

Alexa said...

wow, what and interesting read! and to think i never have even been on a date before let along a boyfriend.

ps you won a pair of socks in my holiday giveaway!

Fizzgig said...

shut up? I won? holey crap I should totally play the lottery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lizziebelle said...

i am secretly afraid that the only reason i am with the bankerman is because i am medicated and cant really feel my feelings anyway. he doesnt get my jokes.

Mike said...

Fizzy, I sure hope your new guy is the one for you and it all works out. Seven months was your shortest relationship?

merider (M.E.-rider) said...

Wow...you've had the full enchilada covered in mole with your relationship experiences! Very sweet what you wrote the manfriend. Sounds like you are exactly in the right place, Fizz.

Narm said...

Dear Ex's -

Sorry about the herp.

Kidding of course.

It's the clap.

Fizzgig said...

thats an interesting thought....but negative. Don't think about it!

yes...isnt that funny? I never dated anyone i always had a boyfriend

I am where I am meant to be....we all are. even the bad things have a purpose....very interesting!

At least it wasnt the HIV!

Erin said...

Wow - that is a really great thing to do ... I feel like I know so much more about you from the little trip down boyfriend/husband memory lane.

I'm so happy that you are so happy now :-)