"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, November 27, 2006

Back To Reality...

My Momma and sissy left this morning. I'm once again all alone and on the hunt for a J-O-B. I'm sad. Panicked. It's pretty much inevitable, that I will have to be on unemployment come January. Nobody is hiring at this time of year. I can't afford to take any old job, because I'll make damn good money on unemployment seeing how I worked two jobs forever, I get a pretty decent wage. More than most places are willing to pay me to do actual you know, work. It just sucks not having any real security. Ho Hum.

I had a really good time with the family. I ate like a pig and did no exercise so I feel like a lard now. Bleh. CP called me starting the day the family arrived, and has called every day since. Apparently after four days he decided he missed me. And fucked up letting me go. It took four days.

I told him there was "someone" else in the picture, even though there is no commitment with the someone else, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I still think about the new guy constantly. That's the trouble with men. They invade your fucking mind. Well, at least with me they do. I have too many other things to worry about with my life right now, I don't need to think about a man. But my my, what a nice distraction!

With CP....it's nice to have company, and attention. But that's all it is. He did bring me flowers the other night. Not that it erases anything he's done. It's still nice. It's even nicer, to feel like someone actually wants you. Which I don't have with CP, and got from the other guy. Do I sound like a hussie or what? I don't fucking care. I'm young. Apparently, I have no idea what the hell I want. Once I tell CP that, I'm sure he'll quit coming around. With him, it's all or nothing. Screw letting me figure my life out.

Heather spent Friday night trying to hook me up with some boy they know. She thinks we would hit it off. She pretty much told him everything about me, so there is nothing left to tell. We may go out this weekend, but that sorta thing makes me nervous. I did win tickets to the comedy club for Saturday. I guess we'll see how it all pans out. One thing is for sure, I don't want to be the girl that goes out and 10 guys in the room have all slept with me, mkay?

We had a lot of fun out to dinner on Saturday night. Kat and Heather went with me and the family. We had sangaria but we weren't drunk. You would have thought we were, we laughed so hard we cried.


Bianca said...

Obviously I don't know anything more about CP than you write here, but based on my impression it sounds to me like you're probably better off without him.

supplymadam said...

Glad you had some much needed laughs. about guys.....oh nevermind.

Becca said...

Comedy shows are always fun. You no hussy, just doing what you should be doing! Having fun and being single.

Anonymous said...

She is better off without me. Its been a hard pill to swallow and admit that I've been an ass, dick, shithead, and the worst bf/fiance in the history of the world to mon. I've put her through my drug addiction, lies, and eventually just flat out abandoned her when she needed me most. I can't ever erase that. If on the slim chance we ever did get back together I would have to live my whole life with her, and then spend the rest of eternity after death and probably still wouldnt get close to forgivness. I know shes moved on. She found what I was not providing. Her best friends are there for her getting her over the hump. I finally talked to her yesterday in person. She thought I would just say fuck off and leave. But i didn't. I have to swallow the pill of humbleness and be a man about what I've done. I'm in counciling now, taking the proper medications for my depression. Day by day I'm getting my old life back. The person I used to be. The person Monica thought I was. But its too late to show her that person and have her really believe it. So I accept that for a moment I did make her smile again, and hope that she finds the happiness she deserves, even if that means without me. And to her friends, tay ray, heather, kat, and her mom and sister, I can never express how sorry I am for doing the things I done to your friend, daughter, and sister. One day in the future I hope you all see me again, and come to know the real me. But if not, then i will say that I have enjoyed meeting each and everyone of you.