And She's Gone...

Well, yesterday I was confused on what to do with my future. Funny how life fixes that for you. I was let go from my job yesterday at 4:15. After 7 years, it was all over in a matter of fifteen minutes. They decided to eliminate my position. Which was a nice way of saying that they are hiring someone else into the department with a degree, and the ability to be a manager. Nevermind my 6 years of perfect attendance. The struggles on my own to learn how to manage the websites. None of that mattered.

I got a "we're so sorry" an "it has nothing to do with your job performance and we will help you any way we can". Thanks. If I wasn't bawling my eyes out, I would have said, can you help that my fiance is gone, I have no money, and I'm all alone in this state with no one to help me? Not that it would have mattered if I did say that. I had to meet with the human resources director. Who said I would be missed. He could tell it was a shock to me, I don't know what gave it away, probably the fact that I was hyperventilating. He told me there was nowhere in the company to place me. If something came up I would certainly be considered. Let him know if I needed help with a resume. I'm well respected in the company.

All of that is nice to hear, in a review. None of it is good to hear, when you were just fired. It is meaningless. If all of that were true, I wouldn't be gone. I wouldn't be replaced with another person. I wouldn't hear "we just dont have it in the budget to keep you". Like I'm making a million dollars. All of this from people who are married. Have homes. Have secure jobs.

My future is uncertain right now. I get a severance, a whopping 7 weeks. One week for each year I worked there. As if that makes it any better. I understand that it is better than nothing, but seven weeks is right before Christmas. It's not far away at all. I can scrape by on my income. I can't survive making less than I made at that job. I have a lot of support of friends and family, which I am grateful for. But they just keep telling me I will find a job. I know I will. The question is will I find a job that pays me enough to not have to move out of my apartment? Will I ever be able to say that I love my job again? I have to start over. Somewhere new.

This feels like a break up to me more than a loss of a job. While I'm afraid of what I will do money-wise, I'm mostly grieving for the loss of a job. An extended family. A place that I liked to get up and go to every day. A place where I knew so much. Learned so much. Met so many people that got me through a lot of hard times in my life. That, is what hurts the most.

I'm shocked. I havn't stopped crying. I havn't slept. I havn't ate. I can't function. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen. I went through this all 7 years ago. I lost my husband. My job. My house. My car. Filed bankruptcy. I don't know that I can go through all of this again. I don't want to have to work two jobs for the rest of my life.

CP is not really being helpful. He left me last night when I really needed him. I couldn't stop crying. He couldn't fix it, but he could have lent me some moral support. I told him this is going to ruin our "relationship". I don't ask him for much. And, when I really need him, he isn't there for me. When I come up on the other side of all of this, I think that I will definately be over for us. I don't want to spend my life with a person who can't even support me emotionally. Seriously, what the fuck am I thinking?

Wish me luck. I will update my blog as I can. Right now, my life is in turmoil. I know I can do this. I've been through worse, and one way or another....I will make it.