"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Saturday, November 11, 2006

And She's Gone...

Well, yesterday I was confused on what to do with my future. Funny how life fixes that for you. I was let go from my job yesterday at 4:15. After 7 years, it was all over in a matter of fifteen minutes. They decided to eliminate my position. Which was a nice way of saying that they are hiring someone else into the department with a degree, and the ability to be a manager. Nevermind my 6 years of perfect attendance. The struggles on my own to learn how to manage the websites. None of that mattered.

I got a "we're so sorry" an "it has nothing to do with your job performance and we will help you any way we can". Thanks. If I wasn't bawling my eyes out, I would have said, can you help that my fiance is gone, I have no money, and I'm all alone in this state with no one to help me? Not that it would have mattered if I did say that. I had to meet with the human resources director. Who said I would be missed. He could tell it was a shock to me, I don't know what gave it away, probably the fact that I was hyperventilating. He told me there was nowhere in the company to place me. If something came up I would certainly be considered. Let him know if I needed help with a resume. I'm well respected in the company.

All of that is nice to hear, in a review. None of it is good to hear, when you were just fired. It is meaningless. If all of that were true, I wouldn't be gone. I wouldn't be replaced with another person. I wouldn't hear "we just dont have it in the budget to keep you". Like I'm making a million dollars. All of this from people who are married. Have homes. Have secure jobs.

My future is uncertain right now. I get a severance, a whopping 7 weeks. One week for each year I worked there. As if that makes it any better. I understand that it is better than nothing, but seven weeks is right before Christmas. It's not far away at all. I can scrape by on my income. I can't survive making less than I made at that job. I have a lot of support of friends and family, which I am grateful for. But they just keep telling me I will find a job. I know I will. The question is will I find a job that pays me enough to not have to move out of my apartment? Will I ever be able to say that I love my job again? I have to start over. Somewhere new.

This feels like a break up to me more than a loss of a job. While I'm afraid of what I will do money-wise, I'm mostly grieving for the loss of a job. An extended family. A place that I liked to get up and go to every day. A place where I knew so much. Learned so much. Met so many people that got me through a lot of hard times in my life. That, is what hurts the most.

I'm shocked. I havn't stopped crying. I havn't slept. I havn't ate. I can't function. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen. I went through this all 7 years ago. I lost my husband. My job. My house. My car. Filed bankruptcy. I don't know that I can go through all of this again. I don't want to have to work two jobs for the rest of my life.

CP is not really being helpful. He left me last night when I really needed him. I couldn't stop crying. He couldn't fix it, but he could have lent me some moral support. I told him this is going to ruin our "relationship". I don't ask him for much. And, when I really need him, he isn't there for me. When I come up on the other side of all of this, I think that I will definately be over for us. I don't want to spend my life with a person who can't even support me emotionally. Seriously, what the fuck am I thinking?

Wish me luck. I will update my blog as I can. Right now, my life is in turmoil. I know I can do this. I've been through worse, and one way or another....I will make it.


Jess said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the job. Here's hoping that everything works out for the best.

Queen of the Universe said...

I'm so very sorry. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck in your new job search.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry. That's awful. It sucks CP wasn't very helpful. Hopefully, he'll pull through. At least you have your little animals to help you. Taz is always good about giving me bunny kisses when I need them most.

Kentucky Girl said...

Sorry to hear of your woes, hun. Wish there was an easy answer. Take care of you though, ok?

Janet said...

Oh I'm so sorry to read you are so sad right now. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but there will be a silver lining to all of this. I really, truly believe that. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to!:)

supplymadam said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear about this. I don't know what to say. Just keep looking.There are other games in town.I went through the same thing after 10 years at my old comapany although I am married we had just bought a new house and a brand new car when that happened and it was a big struggle for a long time. I perservered and I am with my new company for 5 years now and I wished I had came here before I got layed off.
We had to resort to using 401k money and then getting hit big time when tax time came.
It's easy to say when you don't have to depend on yourself alone though. Again I am really sorry you have to go through this at this time in your life.
I am praying you get through this.

EC said...

OH Mon, I'm so sorry this all happened to you :( The job, the man... ugh, that sucks. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but I'm not good at motivational speeches, just know that if you need anything, even just to talk, I'll be there for you in anyway I can!

Dawn said...

I'm so so sorry to read you're going through rough times. What a terrible time of the year to be laid off at work.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers in your direction.

Here via Blogexplosion.

sazza said...

Man, this really really sucks. Isn't it poor when you show loyalty for so long, just to be fucked over like that?

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Wishing you all the best.

R said...

Can't believe that happened. That sucks. So sorry! This could be a good thing. Maybe you'll love your next place even more! Wishing you the best!