"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, November 10, 2006

I Want It All..

*The good, the bad, the happy and the sad. Her perfections every little flaw. I want it all.

I'm really bummed out about not finding a second job. In addition to the billion other places I applied, I put in resumes to a church locally, doing appointments for pictures. Wal Mart (which is bad) and you know I'm desperate, cus it was for the portrait studio. Me + Kids = someone might get bit and it wont be me. I'm going to apply at Ambiance this weekend. The store for lovers. This is a job for me. "Do you need batteries with that?" I can survive on one job. I just can't survive the way I am accustomed to. Can't get my hair done on time. Can't afford pet surgeries. Product. Ohhhhh, the product.

I've been agonizing over what direction to take with my life. A few of my friends are having relationship issues too. One such person is a coworker. "The" coworker I like to bitch about. It's really sad because her guy is an asshole. He tells her she is fat. (she is a size 10 btw) What does he look like? He is short, FAT, and bald. He has some freaking nerve. For her, the emotional part is missing from her relationship. He's great financially, supportive when she needs money, or something comes up that needs fixed. Never a free-loader. But he makes her feel like crap.

Me? I guess have my emotional needs met for the most part. It's the financial that I'm lacking. And by financial I mean, he doesn't have a freaking job. Where do you draw the line? What becomes more important? That I'm treated well, special to someone, or financial support? I like to be independant, but here I am wanting someone to help support me. And why can't I have both? My own mother told me that I can't have it all. No one person can be everything to you. Why not? That scares me into thinking that I'll be alone forever if I don't decide to let some of my wants slide. Then I think my Mom is usually right, so what if after all this dream chasing I wind up alone anyways?

The funniest part about my situation is that it is the exact opposite of my last relationship. TWDSO was the independant one. I was the one who needed help with money. I was the one who sometimes couldn't contribute to the food fund. I was the one that overdrew my checking account. Why? Because I knew he was there to pick me up when I needed it. Even though, he was an ass about it, he still was there. I always paid him back, I didn't take advantage of him, but I didn't spend my money wisely.

Now look at where I am. Is this suppose to teach me a lesson? If so, what the fuck did I learn? When you are in a relationship I think you naturally rely on someone for something. But I keep thinking what am I really getting in return? We're not even living together now. I feel like he ran away when the going got tough. Him being gone, is certainly opening my eyes to some things. He thinks it's helping but it's making me hate him. We see each other a couple nights a week, and when we do talk he is playing his online game. Not paying attention to me. He can't pay his 1 bill (cell phone) that is in my name. He can't call me when he says, come over when he says, or spend time with me when he is around. He has bigger issues than I am equipped to handle.

This weekend is another 80's night. It's gonna be a fun one, the theme is spandex and big hair bands. Rockin! I'll be drinking my cares away with my girls. Kat sent me this link from the 80's DJ. How awesome would it be to go to the 80's prom? I guess we're going to try to get a group together. Hope I can afford it.

P.S. Something else I want is to not be sore. I've been doing weights all week. Still going strong with the workouts. Even though they suck ass.

*I want it all by Edwin McCain


EC said...

I think we can have both. If you have your emotional needs met then great, but I firmly believe if he keeps up with the financial situation he is in, you will lose the emotional side too because you will just fight all the time about the money. Hence, you'll be mad all the time, and not feel "in love". I hope this makes sense, I'm tired this morning, lol.

Janet said...

I don't know about you, but I find problems seem much more vivid when things just aren't going right in life. Once the tide starts to change, so does your tolerance. It doesnt mean you are wrong to be upset about the things you are, if anything, maybe that's the sign you need to do something about them.

Just Expressing Myself said...

Have a fantabulous time 80's night.
As for your coworker the only weight she needs to lose is him!
Thanks for stopping by,

supplymadam said...

I hate when fat ugly bald men think it's okay to critize someone for what? Being a size 10. If she was a size 5 he'd find something else to make her feel bad about herself. People that do that are the insecure ones because they need to make themselves feel better than them. Either way he's an asshole.
Sometimes we can't look to others for security or to feel good about ourselves. It all comes from within.
Stick with your friends,they're priceless.
Good luck with everything.

Celina said...

I think you can have both, but you still have to be willing to compromise on the "small things." Money, Emotional connection, and Common Interests are some things you can't compromise on. I wish I had some "advice" on how/where to meet guys who fit the bill, but I don't. I found mine in high school. I'm just happy that you realize that you can't be happy with that kind of relationship (his lack of $$ skills). My best friend is planning her wedding for next Dec. The guy is terrific, except for one thing: He also doesn't have $$ skills. I know she loves him, but she just figures that things will "work out" and he'll "learn" how to manage his $$.
I hope you all the best!

Mon said...

I totally agree. The money causes so many more problems.

Considering that I got canned yesterday, it certainly is weird how things come into perspective.

I totally agree!

This is true, it would always be something to find to pick about.

I want to have it all. I think you can. It's just a scarey thought.

R said...

Don't feel guilty for wanting it all. My mom is always asking me if I am ever happy. I'll be happy when I have everything I want! I feel as if I'm going backwards these day. 'Rents weren't rich when I was growing up, and I'm still trying to make ends meet for myself at 30. I feel like it never ends.

My husband is extremely high maintenance and a spender. I too need to get my hair did.