I Want It All..

*The good, the bad, the happy and the sad. Her perfections every little flaw. I want it all.

I'm really bummed out about not finding a second job. In addition to the billion other places I applied, I put in resumes to a church locally, doing appointments for pictures. Wal Mart (which is bad) and you know I'm desperate, cus it was for the portrait studio. Me + Kids = someone might get bit and it wont be me. I'm going to apply at Ambiance this weekend. The store for lovers. This is a job for me. "Do you need batteries with that?" I can survive on one job. I just can't survive the way I am accustomed to. Can't get my hair done on time. Can't afford pet surgeries. Product. Ohhhhh, the product.

I've been agonizing over what direction to take with my life. A few of my friends are having relationship issues too. One such person is a coworker. "The" coworker I like to bitch about. It's really sad because her guy is an asshole. He tells her she is fat. (she is a size 10 btw) What does he look like? He is short, FAT, and bald. He has some freaking nerve. For her, the emotional part is missing from her relationship. He's great financially, supportive when she needs money, or something comes up that needs fixed. Never a free-loader. But he makes her feel like crap.

Me? I guess have my emotional needs met for the most part. It's the financial that I'm lacking. And by financial I mean, he doesn't have a freaking job. Where do you draw the line? What becomes more important? That I'm treated well, special to someone, or financial support? I like to be independant, but here I am wanting someone to help support me. And why can't I have both? My own mother told me that I can't have it all. No one person can be everything to you. Why not? That scares me into thinking that I'll be alone forever if I don't decide to let some of my wants slide. Then I think my Mom is usually right, so what if after all this dream chasing I wind up alone anyways?

The funniest part about my situation is that it is the exact opposite of my last relationship. TWDSO was the independant one. I was the one who needed help with money. I was the one who sometimes couldn't contribute to the food fund. I was the one that overdrew my checking account. Why? Because I knew he was there to pick me up when I needed it. Even though, he was an ass about it, he still was there. I always paid him back, I didn't take advantage of him, but I didn't spend my money wisely.

Now look at where I am. Is this suppose to teach me a lesson? If so, what the fuck did I learn? When you are in a relationship I think you naturally rely on someone for something. But I keep thinking what am I really getting in return? We're not even living together now. I feel like he ran away when the going got tough. Him being gone, is certainly opening my eyes to some things. He thinks it's helping but it's making me hate him. We see each other a couple nights a week, and when we do talk he is playing his online game. Not paying attention to me. He can't pay his 1 bill (cell phone) that is in my name. He can't call me when he says, come over when he says, or spend time with me when he is around. He has bigger issues than I am equipped to handle.

This weekend is another 80's night. It's gonna be a fun one, the theme is spandex and big hair bands. Rockin! I'll be drinking my cares away with my girls. Kat sent me this link from the 80's DJ. How awesome would it be to go to the 80's prom? I guess we're going to try to get a group together. Hope I can afford it.

P.S. Something else I want is to not be sore. I've been doing weights all week. Still going strong with the workouts. Even though they suck ass.

*I want it all by Edwin McCain