"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Bird or Statue, They Both Kinda Suck...

I heard recently, that in break ups, you are either the bird or the statue. You either do the shitting, or you are shit on. (conversations at work are just awesome!)

I broke things off with school friend. Not very easily, and with much thought, mind you. All of the reasons were feelings' based. He did nothing wrong, couldn't have been any different at all. He's an honest-to-goodness amazing guy!

But, when we weren't together, I didn't think about him much. I didn't wonder when I would see him again. My heart didn't "ping' at the thought of his phone call, or a date. While we had amazing conversations, and tons of fun together, I didn't have that longing feeling about him, that I didn't want him to go home at the end of a date. I tried to wait it out, and see if feelings developed, but as time went on, I felt more like I was leading him on, and lying to him.

Did I expect to be in love after a month? No, but I did expect to have the first stages of dating excitement about someone, and that never seemed to happen.

I know what makes my heart sing. And while he was pretty ticked that I ended things, I felt I was doing him a favor. He can find someone who will appreciate him, and that just wasn't me.

I do want to share my life with someone, wholeheartedly...but I want it to be because I am excited about it, not just because "he is the kind of guy I should be with". Or because "I don't want to be alone".

This is all a part of the dating game I guess, it's still all new to me. I know what I want, and I don't feel like I need to waste time on anything I feel is less than everything.

Some would argue that I am missing out on a good thing by having unrealistic expectations. I don't see my expectations as unrealistic. And honestly, at this point, I'd rather be alone, than to settle for less than what I know for sure, I want.

Being true to myself and my feelings, is pretty refreshing!

And just as the many times before, I have my own life, and my own interests to keep me occupied until "what happens" .....happens!


Carmen said...

You know yourself the best and have to trust your decisions. I totally get what you mean though - but just because he's a nice guy that will do anything for you - if you don't have the same feelings in return it'll only end up in heartbreak later anyways!

Teena in Toronto said...

You've got to do what feels right.