"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, July 01, 2013

Cinderella Had One Thing Right...

My record stay here in singlehood, (we're going on years now people) has really forced me to take a look at myself. I think that's probably why I'm still single. I haven't figured my "stuff" out yet.

Why is it you can know what you want...but lack the ability to find it?

When I want a good running shoe, I try several on, jog around a bit, and instantly know if it is a good fit. I make the decision rather quickly, with no hard feelings about all those shoes left behind. I don't second guess my choice, I know it's the right shoe. I leave happily with my new shoes, and life is good.

Why do we choose to try on relationships that we know don't fit?

I had a few boyfriends before I met the ex husband my junior year of high school. None of them were right for me. And I knew he wasn't right for me either. But I still married him. At that time, youth made me believe he would change....for me. Well, that was a dumb idea.

I went from a bad marriage to a worse relationship. It was even more abusive, and yet, I had a really hard time leaving it. A dear friend MADE me leave and put me up until I found an apartment. So, ummm..yea, that one didn't work out for me either.

The next one treated me like gold. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him, but I still moved in with him because he was the first man who was good to me. He seemed "normal".  His parent's were still happily married. He seemed to have his "shit" together. But, inevitably, we grew apart, and that didn't work.

The rest has been played out via my blog. I met another guy and by then. I  thought I had my shit together too. As in...I wasn't living with another guy until we were engaged. So he saved up enough money to get me a ring, propose, and move in to mooch off of me for a year, while I supported him. He worked and stole just enough to support his drug habit. Fail.

Enter exmanfriend. The end all be all of my relationship highs and lows. I'd never felt the way I felt about him,   about ANYONE and he made me feel cherished. I thought the world of that guy, and for the first time in 30+ years, I thought I'd found the one. I was myself. Nothing was forced. I wasn't pretending, this is what it is suppose to feel like! Except, he just  wasn't in the same place as me, and we all know how that one ended.  

It kinda messed me up for a long while. For the first time I not only knew what I wanted on paper, but I knew how I wanted to feel when I was with someone.

And now, here we are. Dating, and thinking I've found one good one after another, only to not have any of the feelings I expect to have. I still haven't found "it". And it's hard for the guys to understand. You know, the "feeling" part. We can get along, and have loads in common, but I am looking for fireworks And I'm not into wasting my time if I don't feel them.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being irrational, and expecting too much, but I've grown enough since exmanfriend to not compare people to "him" anymore. And simply hold the people I date to a higher standard.

And that's where the shoes come in. I have to believe, that just like I know what a good fitting shoe feels like, so will I know what a good fitting relationship feels like.

I'm tired of tight, pinchy shoes that give me blisters.

Just as I've grown as a runner to value my feet enough to put some effort into the perfect shoe...so do I value my heart enough to put some effort into finding the right partner for my life.

Accepting this scenerio, has made being single seem less like an affliction, and more like a choice.


Miss Anita said...

As long as you're happy, and you don't regret your choices, and you make the most of your life, then that's the most you can ask.

Brianna said...

I like the shoe analogy! I tend to stick in bad relationships that I know aren't working for way to long. Currently I am living with someone who I think is pretty narcissistic for the past 3 years and I have allowed him to lower my self esteem to record lows. I have threatened to move out many times but I am finally taking the steps to do it. It is hard when they are still living with you to get out because they eventually apologize ect.. Super unhealthy! I just want to say thank you for writing about your experiences and I think you have such self confidence for sticking to your guns which I admire. I get scared to be alone which is what I have to work on.

Teena said...

Nothing wrong with being single ... don't settle!

Fizzgig said...

Miss Anita:
so true!! Thank you!

thats rough, for sure! I've been there, and have friends there as well, and what worked for me will work for everyone, you know when you've had enough, and you'll make the right choice for you when it's the right time. Good luck to you!

sure isn't! I quite like the single life!

Allison M. said...

Hell yes it is a choice!

And sounds like a great one.

It's kind of like finding the perfect pair of jeans too - they exist. Just takes a hot minute to find a brand that molds perfectly your body!

Urban Cynic said...

I think we sometimes forget that the shoe has to decide we're a good fit for it as well!

In my opinion it's men rather than you. I'm not just saying that either - there are some low calibre men out there and the ones who are ok are being kept by women who have decided they're a good fit or who aren't a good fit but they're not letting that shoe go yet!

It's a balance of not being too picky as nobody is perfect, but not selling yourself short either.

Bu pfffft, what do I know - I haven't worked it out either!

PS - thank you for the comments on my blog, you're probably the only person that reads it!