"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Friday, May 20, 2005

Hippity Hoppity the wknd's on its way!!

TGIF! Friday never felt so good! On my way to work, i jammed out to Kelly Clarkson, 'behind these hazel eyes' yea, thats a good song for break ups!

**Seems like just yesterday You were a part of me I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong Your arms around me tight Everything, it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong Now I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes I told you everything, Opened up and let you in. You made me feel alright For once in my life. Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside' Cause I can't breatheNo, I can't sleep I'm barely hangin' on.. Swallow me then spit me out. For hating you, I blame myself. Seeing you it kills me now. No, I don't cry on the outside Anymore...**

I actually had a mini epiphany last night over it all. Im sad. Im bitter. But, i think if he hadnt told me he didnt want to marry me id have hung on and obviously I wasnt happy either. Your past defines who you are today, and Ive had a sordid past. Those we dont speak of had a handful of relationships, I had buckets. And they were all pretty long, and pretty shitty. Kudos to me for not sticking around with yet another man who didnt want to be with me!

At least other guys were outwardly assholes to me, and made it obvious who they were. I had to find out on my own with this one! I have been through a lot in my short life, and he could never relate to it. Expected me to erase it and be perfect. I started counseling and everything to help myself. When you are use to men hitting you, belittling you, making you feel like dog shit, oh and even throwing dog shit inyour face for fun, thats hard to forget!! I thought he was my saving grace, but yet again I was wrong! He was good to me, but he couldnt handle me.

I had to become independant so I wouldnt be hurt again, and devastated. He couldnt handle that. He wanted a clingy girl with no life. His parents did a lot for him, where I have been more on my own, and I have a brother in town that needs help and he cant relate to any of that. One day the reality is his parents will die! and he will be devastated! I feel bad for him actually! Ive lost one already! If I were over it, id shell out his phone number....kidding, kidding!!!!! But, Im getting better! Because I kept my independance, im honestly not so devastated, Im really hurt, and sad for all we had together. And it bugs the piss out of me that I see things that remind me of him at the store that I know he would want.

GET OUT OF MY FRIGGIN HEAD ALREADY!!!!But to sum it up: SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING! mkay?

But now, Im free to find the right guy. And I cant wait to find the guy I think about all the time, and can't wait to spend time with. I cant wait to find a guy who loves me and all my crazy quirks, and my pets who love me!

Im not desperate to find love this time, and its refreshing! I am worrying about myself and my future. I cant think a man will whisk me away and take care of me, what century IS this anyways?

Tonight my friend Bubba and I might go kickit after job #2 with a group of single gals. It always has to wait to see how we feel, cus working 2 jobs is harrrrrd! Plus, remember I have a rotting kidney. I cant stand for long periods!

There will be an 18 yr old in the group tonight. I realize, im 11 years older than her....when on earth, did THAT happen? Life just slips away from you! I dont feel like I thought I'd feel pushing 30, when I was 18!! i can remember staying with my sister, and she was around 24 and id say she was old! 30 isnt old! what was I thinking? Today is my sisters birthday too, but we wont reveal her age, lets just say she's STILL OLDER NAH NAH NAH! ha ha ha! I couldnt resist!

This just in!!! My sister sent me an e-card a coworker did for her at blue mountain, and this is perfect if you have a picture of someone you dont like! I had great fun messing with those we dont speak of! You can only send the ecard thru email, if you join, but you can create and laugh at them for free! www.veepers.bluemountain.com Pick 'make your own' and upload a picture. It moves the eyes, mouth, and head. You type in what you want it to say and choose the voice, and it will say what you typed! You can't make them say 'Im an asshole' though, it wont allow you to! but be creative! I was dying laughing doing this! What a great invention!!!!



Today's Question:

'If you were asked the most difficult thing you can imagine by your best friend, what would it be'

This is a tough one, and I think I should get to go thru the book and pick out good ones, but to be fair im picking them randomly. I would have to say, have a baby for her. Theres not much i wouldnt do for my friends, but that would be hard, because that is something I dont even want for myself, and to go through the experience for someone else would be truely selfless, but reallllllly difficult!! Unless it involved having sex with someone, cus then I might fake it at least, to get some action!!!! LOL!





4 comments:

Heatherkins said...

Kill her. Couldnt, wouldnt even think about doing it. I'm not demented in any way but there isnt anything I wouldnt do for her. That has to be the only thing. LOL

Charlie Mc said...

hey there, I stumbled upon your blog...good stuff! Welcome to the blogging world! look forward to stopping by again! :)

Gunner Kaufman said...

An answer to your question of the day...

To live for them....

sounds weird but follow me now...

as a friend, or as a lover(haha)..

I would die for you...
but i will not live "for" you....

Hope you get that.

Dawn said...

I raelly can't think of anything....I feel like I have been put on the spot....OMG the pressure......I can't take it much longer......

I will spot by again later tonight to read through all your post. Thanks for stopping by my site, come by anytime!