We interrupt this love fest...

Work is stifeling my spirit. It's my new most favorite phrase, and when I get a favorite phrase I use the shit out of it. Seriously folks. I work for months on end, and never have a day off. Sure, I might have a Friday NIGHT off, here and there, but I still worked 8 hours that day. I need to get the hell out of that second job. Friday, I worked 11p-7a after my full time 8-5, you know the drill by now. Who calls me at 3pm? Fucking police station. I didn't answer. Promptly at 5:05, it's them, calling me yet again!

work: "is there any way you can come in any earlier than 11?"

Me: "like when?" I'm thinking 10 or something, cus I MIGHT have considered it.

work: "5:30 or 6?"

Me: "Are you crazy? I don't think so, I just worked for 9 hours, and I need to get some sleep since I'll be working til seven in the morning"

work: "no problem, see you then"

Like, if it was a problem what would they do? Fire me? Please do. I mean how inconsiderate. It's bad enough, they have all three of us girls working every weekend, without the hopes of ever having time off, because A) they can't hire anyone and B) when they do hire someone they quit the second they find out the hours you have to work. Then, Saturday, I was on my way to walk (SEVEN miles mind you) with Kat, and they fucking call me again! "Danielle called off 3-11 so you NEED to come in early". No one ever told them that you catch more flies with honey?! I mean how rude?

I had 4 hours sleep (9am-1pm) due to the fact that they were cutting trees down at my house, starting at 10 am. I was on my way to walk, and there's no fucking way I was going to work early, when someone tells me to. I work my schedule, and I don't call off, eat it!

They're assholes cus I don't come in thru the week to pick up hours for a girl that quit. Like, its somehow my job to make up for their poor planning? Just like my working each wknd was going to be for two weeks, and its been, what? Almost four months? Seriously. Then the October schedule has been posted...and there I am - working every weekend, yet again. In October? It's my favorite month! Picking pumpkins! Haunted houses! Hayrides! Cider! Bonfires! They also went ahead and scheduled me for Columbus day 3-11. I promptly emailed everyone and said;

"FYI- I will not be working October 8th for the 3-11 shift, as scheduled. This is not even a real holiday, and I work at my full time job, where I make much more money than at this place. Thanks!"

The kicker in the ass, was one of the girls telling me the full time people were complaining that I didn't do any work on my shift. Funny thing - there is no work. The sergeant has to approve all paperwork before I get it, and he brings it in the end of his shift, which is one hour before the end of mine. Once I sticker the fucking things, write report #'s make 80 copies of each report, staple, code, log, and scan them, it's time for me to go. Bite me. Why don't one of those bitches work the midnight, or 3-11 shift and see for themselves? I didn't think so.

I really want to quit. I am giving myself til Wednesday to decide. I guess if I find out I can't make it, I can work anywhere for $8.25/hr right? Holiday help? Plus, it's also stifeling my time with my friends and the new boy.

I saw the new boy yesterday, we went on a date to the movies. We saw 'Good Luck Chuck' which was hilarious! I laughed all day with the boy, then all night at the movies, then for 3 hours afterwards. I told him he was hurting my face. I can't stand how much I like this boy. He gives me the warm fuzzies, and makes me a mushy annoying girl. The kind you would make fun of for being so stupid in love with a boy in public. That's me. Only, I didn't say stupid in love. I mean, real like. Deep like. And then theres the passion. Arrrgh, don' t get me started on that! I'm working!

Important question. The new boy's bday is this coming Saturday. WTF do I do???? After Three weeks? Card? Gift? Drink? I dunno what's too much, or not enough? I want to do something sweet, cus he thinks I'm sweet. Gotta keep him fooled you know! Kiddinggggggggggggggg.....But I don't have much money especially if I'm quitting that job! Which I'm pretty sure I am...who's comin with me? Support? Please?

Uh, too tired to even think of a title...

Yesterday I trucked along on my two hours of sleep until about midnight. When I started to get shakey. And sick. Gotta love that. Today I'm not feelin' so hot on the outside. On the inside, I'm still giddy with excitement. The boy told me last night, he wanted me to meet his friends and family, and that he has reserved that for someone special. He also told me, that "you know when you know" about someone.

This is something that you hear, over and over again from people who have found what they are looking for in a partner. "You just know". I always thought, "is this truth, or bullshit?". Just because I had never found it, I assumed it was bullshit. I thought it was the stuff they put on 'A Wedding Story" to make the rest of us feel like shit with our relationships we've settled for. The questions we all have about relationships are there for a reason. To guide us on the right path. We ask for it, we get it, and we ignore it. Why is that? I can't think of all the red flags I've had in past relationships, but I explained them away as my inner demons at work. Really, that voice is the one you should listen to.

I've had the initial excitement of a new relationship before. Like most people. What I havn't had is the connected-ness that comes along with being so drawn to someone in all aspects. Feeling like you have searched enough for what you want, and it's time to "let it be". It is a feeling. What people say is true. I feel almost silly for saying it, after only a week...but I seriously know. There isn't one doubt in my mind. I knew, before we even met, that this was something special, and through talking, found out we both felt that way from talking, and feel that way after meeting. It's amazing what a gift life can be, when you really take the time to work on yourself. Reflect on the things that got you to where you are. You don't always know why someone breaks your heart. But you do learn from it, if you allow yourself to go there. You don't have to change who you are as long as you are happy with yourself. Finding happiness in yourself can be a long hard road, as it was with me. But, had I not done all the work on me - I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now. I never lost faith.

Loving yourself is important. Letting go of the past is important. And trusting your instincts..should be at the top of that list. Now that I have enlightened you all...I might just fall asleep at my desk. Zzzzzzzzzz......

Smiley Girl...

Hello boys and girls! Today I'm going to start out with some great news. I have officially dropped two sizes. *cheers* Thank you, no, please, hold your applause! Today, I was wearing pants 2 sizes too big, and literally holding them up so they wouldn't fall off. All the girls were giving me a hard time, but I don't have the money to be buying new clothes! So I went to Old Navy anways. I tried on a bunch of clothes 2 sizes smaller, and they fit. The jeans are mighty snug, but the khakis? Perfection! So, I got a pair of jeans, and khaki's. Then I got a $5 T-shirt. One size smaller than usual. I put it all on my charge card, but you know what? I deserve it for all the hard work I do. And I really do look ridiculous 99% of the time walking around in clothes that are huge. I have no shame! My goal is only 1 more size. That's it! I'm almost there, I can taste it!

Now, onto the new boy in my life. He happened to come to see me last night. We were laying in my bed chatting, and when I got up to pee, I noticed the time was 4:00 a.m. Ummm...yea, time kinda flies when you are having fun. I didn't get to sleep til about 5:30 and got up for work at 7. How's that 1.5 hours of sleep workin for ya? Not too shabby folks. I think I'm use to sleep deprivation from the shit hours I work on the weekends. At lunch, I got 2 sugar free red bulls and I'm good to go!

We had yet another amazing conversation last night. As usual. He makes me laugh, and we talk about some deep stuff, that's awesome. We discussed "moving forward" and what our expectations in a relationship are. We've had very similar pasts, and have both put in the effort with ourselves to find out what we want, and how to make ourselves happy. I asked him how he is enjoying his vacation and he said "I met an amazing girl, the kind you can stay up all night talking to, and we had a great date on Friday". He said something else about me being beautiful or something but, I don't want to boast. I told him, "I think I might have to kick this girls ass". We are dorks like that, and thats what makes him so much more amazing to me.

He likes that we can chat about the world, and I can "keep up" with the conversation. I like the same thing about him. It makes him that much more attractive to me. He's smart. We click. And he's easy on the eyes! I can't wait to see him again on Sunday! I have to give a shout out to Kat who has always urged me to find a man online. Holla!

I dunno how this is going to work with me working weekends when he goes back to work. When we will find time for each other, but I know if it's meant to be it will. I am seriously thinking about taking the certification for Body Sculpting, and teaching classes for extra money. I use to lead them at my old job, and I'm pretty sure I could get thru a class as much as I work out. I think it's my new goal. You travel around and teach the classes, you know for money. How awesome would that be? Pretty awesome!

Crazy....

Happy news all around today. I lost 43 lbs. 43 is almost 45 which is almost 50. 43 is closer to 50, than it is to 30! It's such an amazing feeling to finally be able to see a difference in myself. I can't wear any clothes anymore. They fall off of me with no help. It's a good thing, and also frustrating to think I have to buy all new clothes. I'm thinking of checking out the Good Will or something. And every time I see the boy I have to buy something to wear cus nothing fits! Fascinating.

Friday, I showed the girls at work a picture of me from last November. One of them said "Oh my GOD". I said gee, thanks! She said it should be a compliment. Yea, one of these days I'll post that there picture. I think after I come to terms with the fact that it was in fact me. I have no idea what I was thinking, to think I looked OK.

In other news that may make you want to hurl. I'm hopelessly in some extreme like....with the new boy. It's simply amazing how well someone can suit you. I actually typed the texts we sent last night. How dorky is that? I just kept reading them so I was saving my battery. Last night, we talked about missing each other. Ugh. So much it hurts for me. It's definatly a test on my patience. It is something I need to work on, and here it is, right in my face! Forcing me to deal with it. I have to wait FOUR days to see him. We are getting together Sunday. The fucking second job, is cramping my style. Kat said it's stifeling her time with me too. Which made me laugh.

I keep hearing the "be careful" phrase from everyone. Why do I have to be careful? He better be careful. My philosophy is this...feeling the way I do right now, for even a few weeks or months, is worth the heartache if things were to go wrong. I would much rather feel this way than be bitter about love. And think it wont happen to me. Or wonder what someone's alterior motives may be because they seem "too good to be true". I lived a lot of my life that way, and it got me nowhere but miserable. I'm optimistic. I'm being honest with myself for the first time, I want to be in love. And if I get my heart broken, I will pick myself up, and want to be in love again eventually. It's the bitterness that brings more unhappiness. And when you see people who are alone, it's usually the ones who are putting people in love down. Jealousy.

I'm kinda sick of not having a life. I am thinking maybe October will be my last month. If I'm lucky. It'd be nice if I knew what my car payment is going to be too. That always helps.
Maybe I can find something thru the week so I can have weekends free again. Can't hurt to try. Be even better if someone gave me a stinking raise so I could not worry at all. Ugh. Be nice if my brother pays me the damn money for the phone every month, that would help greatly!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go daydream about the boy. He makes me smile.

She's Only Seventeen....

So, I absolutely feel like a teenager. I think it is awesome, because I always said, I wanted to be with a person who made me feel that way again. Not someone who put me on guilt trips and sucked my energy. I didn't know that it was even possible. I had faith....but, seriously, I'm not talking the regular old excitement of a new relationship developing...It's a certain feeling. If things work out with us, take heed. You really can have what you want. All the work I've been doing on myself has got to be paying off. I always believed I could have what I wanted. It's "The Secret" in action.

Anyways, I had to work the weekend, all the while, having a boy running around in my mind. I couldn't concentrate. Remember that feeling? I told him he was in there running around, and to slow down at 3:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. He said he was going to tell me to slow down too, cus he was thinking about me. Said he felt like he got run over by a scooter at Wal Mart. I told him how I felt like I was in high school and it was awesome. Then he asked me to the prom. I told him I'd go, but I needed ample time to get a dress. He told me he'd have the most beautiful date. *blush* Just the way that we can be totally talking about something off the wall like that, and get it, and laugh at each other...excites me. I'm a dork that way, and so is he. I love that!!

Then I was listening to Jodeci...trying to sleep. (I know, Jodeci, right?) And when he asked me to the prom I told him "Feenin" was on and it would be a good song to dance to. Then we talked about a few other songs, and he said a better fit would be "crazy for you" by (the great) Madonna. I Totally agreed. *sigh* Remember when you were in high school, and you had to leave the one you really liked, and you had to make curfew, and you took every last second til you HAD to go, and even then it was hard. That's how I feel.

He told me that he had warm feelings about me. And then I told him, that I was glad because I didn't want to be the only one. Seriously, it's that ache in the heart you get when you really want to reach out and touch someone, but they aren't there to touch. And even when they are there, the act of touching them sends that electric feeling all through your body. And them touching you? Fugetaboutit. I don't know how else to explain it. I remember a while back saying that I was going to wind up having to choose what boy to be with. But, there is no choice here. It's pretty clear. Someone called me twice this weekend and I blew him off. I dunno how to end that one other than phasing him out. We'll see.

He said he liked gazing at the stars with me. It may sound corny, but seriously, I love that kind of stuff. I love to watch birds, and butterflies, and grass grow, and think to myself...*sing* "what a wonderful worrrrld". He said it is hard to find someone who enjoys the simple things and I couldn't agree more. It was actually the first time I'd done something like that with a boy. So, when you hear about a girl from Ohio who got arrested, because she tied up a boy she likes and made him live in her closet so he could never leave her......start a letter writing campaign for me. I did it all for the glory of....Nooooo. I think I'll try to snag this one by being myself. It might actually work!

Then, he came to see me after work on Sunday, cus he is on vacation. He drove 45 minutes (which isn't as bad as I thought) to see me cus he's the cutest ever. We are both in the same boat with this one. If he hurts me, he's going to pay. Did I just say that? I was totally kidding!
I dunno, but we might see each other tonight too. It's hard to stay away. ugh.

The Dilly-Yo...

So, I know the world wants to know how did my date go last night, right? Fan. Tas. Tic. I of course, spent the day pooping, and begged my friends to come get me once I was on the way to meet him. I was sick to death over it. But of course once I got there, it all faded away. I ended up parking behind him and I knew it was him so I went up to him, and we said our hello's and hugged. It just flowed. And the sick feeling went away. I remember asking Heather...how do I greet him? And she said "it'll happen naturally". She was right. And...have I mentioned that I think he's totally cute?

We had some delicious strawberry wine, and blueberry wine. Mmmmm. Guess what? He paid for it. I told you- the guys I pick usually suck. Someone actually "took me out". Ok, then. There was definately something there between us. I felt really shy. But there was this .....spark. It sounds cheesy, because people say that. But it's true. On a trip to the bathroom, I took one of the plastic grapes off the bunch of grapes in the bathroom, and gave it to him. He put it in his pocket, and at least acted like he thought it was cute.

I told him that I was super nervous, but it passed after a while. He let me beat him at arm wrestling, and I let him beat me at thumb wrestling. Seriously. I would've won. The winery closed around 11 (amish!), so we were going to go to another bar and kickit cus neither of us was ready to go home. We ended up drinking champagne in the parking lot! He brought it! It was the cutest thing ever. He had it in a cooler and had cups and everything. We were talking, and laughing, and looking at the stars.

And, that was where he layed one on me. And by one, I mean WOW. And, it lasted quite long. Like we didn't want to stop! So, we didn't. We just kept kissing in the parking lot. Long after everyone was gone but the workers. And what should happen? The panic button on my CAR goes off, cus it's in my pocket! I mean, not suprising, right? That's my luck! Talk about embaressing, in the middle of nowhere in the quiet, you hear BLEEP!BLEEP!BLEEP! Way to kill the moment!

Then, of course I have about 15 people calling me all night to see if I was ok. Which was nice, but I had to shut my phone off so it didn't ruin the moment(s). We ended up talking, and laughing in the parking lot for a long time. And kissing. Lots of kissing. Very...nice...passionate kissing! The kind you read about. Damn. It was really nice. I hadn't felt like that in so long. And maybe I'll shut up about it now. But once more...Damn!

You know, after my panic button went off a couple MORE times at in-opportune moments - we thought we should go somewhere else and at that point, it wasn't worth going to another bar, so I said we could go to my house, and have a fire, cus we both like fires! And, we didn't want to end the night yet. Then I kissed him in MY parking lot. The kissings nice people! We ended up staying up until 6 am. Seriously, like high school. And the time went so fast! The whole thing reminded me of school, except for the drinking, and going back to my place. I just mean the excitement that we felt with each other. Awesome. Totally!

It was really hard for both of us to end the day (after) today. I had to come to work. And, he did ask if I wanted to go out again, and we talked about having a connection, and feeling something. He actually said "I think it's obvious we are going to see each other again". (eeek!)

But he lives in Cleveland. It's like an hour from me. So, not like I can hop in the car any random day and go see him on a whim. And, I work all the weekends in the world. So, it sucks having to wait to see him again. It really does. I'm just trying to go with the flow. But it's definatley mutual. I'm so smitten with this boy. I knew when we first started to talk somethin was there. It was a nudge from nowhere. The old me would've never in a bazillion years met someone I didn't know like this, but for some reason I just knew I had to.

I had to rush to work, late, with dirty hair, and wrinkly clothes today. Kat came to work to visit, hear the dirt, and brought me Starbucks! She totally rocks!

Jitters....

So, last night, me and the boy were texting. I fell asleep, and had the strangest dream. I dreamt that when I met him, he was really a 12 year old boy. Who, looked nothing at all like his pictures. And, had many alias's, and made a freaky movie about me from pictures. Like, made them move, and talk. And he showed me. He locked me in his house, and there was like 15 kids living there. I dunno if he was their baby daddy, but I do know he had another girl held captive there. I was the next victim. He had created this whole fake environment, and made people pretend to work in stores in this "fake town" and he made me tell them all they weren't real. It was totally wacked. It's from everyone telling me to be so freaking careful. You never know anyone really, what makes this so different?

I can't explain how sick over the possibility of meeting I was last night. I had to lay down my stomach hurt so bad. I couldn't function. The thought of eating repulsed me. I've got THAT going on. You know the nervousness. The poops. Bleh. I talked to a few of my friends, and of course, I felt fine after that, but it came back. Full force.

I still have no idea where the hell we are going. So, I'm planning on going home after work and not sweat it. If nothing else, I buy my own wine and me and the cats have an exciting evening at home. Since I'm stressed, and we have a jewelry store here at the office, I went and bought myself something. It's an evil thing that we do. Sad? Buy jewelry. Depressed? Buy jewelry. Nervous? Buy jewelry. I got this ring. It's way cute and it was also way cheap! It's pink sapphire. Love it.

Bitten....

I still havn't caught up on my shut-eye. Ask me why, ask me why.......I was on the phone last night until 2:30 am. I got on the phone at 8:30. Six hours. With whom? Ask me! With whom do you think? The internet guy. When is the last time you talked to anyone for six hours? I think it was high school for me. When's the last time you talked to someone for six hours, and laughed 95% of the time, and never had a lull in the conversation? That, I can't even remember.

I was pretty amazed at the similarities in our lives. How many times one of us would say "I can totally relate" "I've been there" or "I agree". Weird. I've never met anyone that was as into self discovery as me. Someone who likes to find out the why's and how's of things, and fix them. Someone not merely riding along in their lives, but actually steering their own way.

We had a lot of very similar relationships, and upbringings. Learned a lot of the same life lessons. I've never felt anyone has "got me" before. I've been through so much more than my friends have with losses, love, and life. We're on the same playing field there. He got all the stupid little things I said, or made reference to. I got all the things he said. I'm not saying that I havn't had any one these things with other people in moderation, because sure, I have. But the sheer excitement of the whole package is what gets me. A package? Someone who has more than one quality I like? Getthefuckout! Have I yet to mention that this ones a hottie too? Yea, now you see why I'm so freaked out!

I laughed so much my stomach hurt. Who loves to laugh until they cry? I do! Who's made me laugh like that? No boy, just my girlfriends, and I while I love them, I don't see myself dating them. We were able to talk about how we use to not want to be alone, and are able to appreciate our own company, and everything that comes along with those changes, and in the next minute we were laughing about bog-ass which is a new word for something that's rank. I love that. I'm not nearly as nervous about Friday.

Ok I lied, I'm sure once it rolls around I'll want to vomit, but we can obviously get along, and have a great conversation. Now I guess we just see if the "everything else" is there. Already people are asking me why I'm so smiley today. It's just that whole excitement of thinking someone "get's what you are about". What's up with that? I dunno. Cus it's a first for me.

My work "Mom" said that he is the kind of guy that will bring out the good in me, in that I want to achieve my own goals, and do good, and I've had things (people) holding me back for so long. I think that might be right.

Only time will tell where this leads but for right now... in this moment.... today.... I feel like I've been bitten by the giggly bug. And that feels pretty damn good!

I'm only barely awake today. You know, I worked last night til 10:30 at the police station. That doesn't seem too bad. Right? Until you take into account I was tired as hell until I got home. Then, I was wide awake the rest of the night. And I mean the rest of the night. I got home and walked 3.6 miles in an hour, did 1/2 hour of legs and abs, and 10 trips up/down my steps. When did I get done working out? 12:30 am. Then, do you think I was the least bit tired? Hell no. I got a leisurely bath, cleaned my rabbit litter box, and washed the dishes.

Well...while I was working out I watched Big Brother. And the TWO HOUR Biggest Loser episode. Don't even get me started on how much the finale of Big Brother blew a fat one. I mean, who really deserved to win out of those two? Neither. When is Lost coming back again? So that I might have an enjoyable television experience that doesn't piss me off? Oh yea, I got like six months.

Back to my night. When I finally made it to bed around 2 am. I couldn't sleep. I layed there and thought about a million things, including the fact that I couldn't sleep. So, when my alarm went off at 5:30 am to get up and "work out" before work...you can pretty much bank on what I did. I also thought about what my friend said last night, she reminded me of her internet dating story. I totally forgot about the fruitcake she met. She made us all go with her. But then, dude was a little "questionable" before they even went out. He works for the local paper, and acted like he was some sort of celebrity that everyone should know. And was totally into her 100% and was pissed that she wanted to take it slow.

While at work, CP called me. I guess that whole "I'm not talking to you until you promise you won't date anyone else" thing wasn't working out or something. I can understand, I am a hard person to get over. Especially I guess, when you are in rehab and you consider what your options are there...