"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Beer Goggles...

I had such an amazing weekend. Friday the drive in and dinner with the girls. Saturday shopping for myself (a size smaller top!). A spa party where I had my first manicure...ever (im so deprived). And a girls night out in the valley.

Sunday and Monday, recuperate. I didn't even go out Sunday night, I spent it with my Momma.

I woke up Sunday morning thinking I had so much fun. Me and a girlfriend were up until around 4 am after the bars, chatting. (eating taco bell...bye bye no carbs for 3 wks grrrr) Then I got a text message. From a number, I didn't have in my phone book.

"hey fizzgig, I hope you had a great night, I really enjoyed meeting you, have a great fourth" Oh yea, I met a boy. When we first got to the second bar, "jimmy" greeted us at the door. I'm pretty sure "jimmy" was like, 21 or something and kept bragging how buying us drinks was nothing to him. Whatever, Jimmy, thanks for the vodka and soda! Jimmy invited us to a party at his buddys amazing house, but we passed.

Later, an old coworker showed up with her boyfriend, and a friend. Ah, yes. This said friend, is the boy who texted me. His name? Still escapes me. I remember him mentioning coming home with me, even if jokingly, I didn't find it funny, and told him I'm not that kind of girl. He was nice, he walked me to the bathroom and stuff to make sure I was "safe". Obviously we had fun, and had some laughs. He bought me a couple drinks. But I didn't remember much else.

Pictures! I had my camera!

I'm not like, Jessica Alba or anything, but this guy? Uh....all I can say is beer goggles are a real and true thing. I'm all for dating people I don't find attractive, I'm not that shallow...but there has to be something. I think he was probably like in his mid 40s, and people think I'm 25.

On top of this guy, one of my brothers high school friends asked me out. The fact that none of this excites me, is a sure fired sign that I'm just not ready to move on yet. I don't want a rebound. I don't want a "right now". I want that feeling you get when someone you love, loves you back so much you can feel it through each others skin. I know it exists. I had it for a moment, but it was a lie.

I still cried over that asshole yesterday, for what he did to us. Mostly, because I had no idea he was such a complete and total shithead, and thought he loved me as much as I loved him. He fooled everyone, not just me. Completely and totally bamboozled.

How does one trust their judgment ever again? I don't want to be closed off from love, but it scares me.


Sister Copinherhair said...

Sigh. I remember feeling that very same way. I still find myself wondering if I can ever fully trust someone with my heart. I think I just won't ever share the WHOLE thing. I will always keep a part of my heart for myself.

Completely unrelated but my word verification is "latoya." As in Jackson???

Carolyn G said...

It takes a while but you will learn to trust again. Hang in there. ((hugs))

Fizzgig said...

it sucks! its the first time i every really trusted someone that completely. i had always been guarded, and for once felt i could trust myself to trust.

latoya i never got a real word! lol

it sure does, it scares me!!!

Teena in Toronto said...

You need time to heal ... stop rushing.