"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Baby Steps....

I don't really know what baby steps are. I am big into rushing things. Balls out. Running. Falling fast, falling hard. It's hard for me to conceive this "taking it slow thing" is really good for anyone, but "they" always say its good to do something different. I guess slow means its thought out. Slow means not doing what scares you until you are ready.

Slow probably also means...not saying you will move in, bringing your crap, and then moving it out while I'm working either.

This past weekend I felt a bit snubbed by the new guy because things weren't as I had expected them to be. You know...spending days upon days together. Of course nothing was wrong, but I had to start thinking what if's. I wasn't nearly as jam packed with friends this weekend, I spent time garage saling (for my vacay drinking money) and at home...SOBER (gasp). I think that made the fact that we didn't talk much..even more prevalent.

I threw around the idea of telling him I missed him. Should I? Shouldn't I? What if it scares him?
I had to remind myself, that myself missed him, and myself would tell him, and I had to let me be me, and not worry about what people think or say, cus then I'm not being me, I'm being scared... and just send the fucking message already. So I did.

We got together, and..he said he liked my message. I told him the whole me being me talk I had with myself. He also liked that. We talked about some of his apprehensions with "us". He really wants a family, and while we're not there yet, he wants to be sure the person he is serious about wants a family. He was pretty cute describing how he always wanted to provide for his family, and that's what he feels he is here for. His parents are still married. (what?) And when I said how the whole birth thing scares me, and how it would interfere w/my boob job, instead of agreeing it was a good idea, he told me he liked them how they are.

Which reminded me of Bridget Jones Diary when Mark Darcy likes her just as she is.....I want a Mark Darcy!

I told him how I havn't had a good family model. Being a single mom scares me. Struggling. No sleep. (what?) I told him I've gotten to the point with two people where I thought about a family.

The ex husband.
And exassholemanfriend.

Only two people I loved enough to spawn their demon seed for.

We talked about how hard it is to go from having a sexual relationship, to a real relationship. Its backwards. We skipped the dating part. He kept saying we need to take baby steps. I'm ok with that. Moving slow is definatly something I should learn more about.

The night ended with couch snuggling, and forehead kisses (awwwwe) and I must say in that moment I was content, smiling on the inside and the outside.

So of course I had a dream that exassholemanfriend sent me a summons to court over stuff he left at my apartment like, night vision goggles, and sued me for 9 grand. Then decided that instead maybe we could talk, cus he thought I might be lonley.

Just like him, once I am happy, to come back and fuck it all up. Even if its in my dreams. The difference is, this time, I'm not letting him.

1 comment:

Teena in Toronto said...

You definitely need to take baby steps so things don't get screwed up.