Bah Humbug...

I was way too busy to update Monday. You know, give people a couple days off, and the world seems to fall apart. Pffft. Today we have a three hour meeting. Three. Hours.

I have a phone interview Thursday with a major financial company. One that would give me the freedom to move around if need be. The office I'm interviewing for is in my old hometown. I'm sure the phone thing is a weeding process, and hopefully I make it through that one and onto the next stage. There were a billion times to sign up for when I applied. I think I may enjoy the job, its as a manager of sorts, and it sounds like I could use my skills, and move up with the company.


You know, my face is still a mess? Now, of course, it's not as bad as it was, but it was almost cleared up when I was on my last week of "the pill pack" because I wasn't taking the damn pill. The stuff I have to put on it to make it go away is about in the laugh lines spot on my face, and it's drying my face out so bad, I have permanent wrinkles! This, is war! If those fucking dicks at planned parenthood don't change my script, someone is going down! Fo' show! I mean, you can do a lot to me before I get pissed, but giving me wrinkles? That'll cost me thousands in the long run to undo! Bastards! I'm telling them I've been blowing chunks for weeks and I need a new script!

Because I like to share, here is what I witnessed at the second job. I'm sitting facing an open office, where this one girl scans jobs. She kept looking at me and I kept looking at her cus I felt watched. Turns out she was watching me to see if I was looking at her. Because, I witnessed her dig her finger in her ear.....inspect her finger for a while....and then stick that finger in her mouth and eat her ear wax. Biting the nail and everything. She isn't visibly retarded, and they have her running this big scanning machine. So, I think she's just nasty with no excuse!

I booked a nice cabin for me and the man to stay at for my burfday! (Which..is in um, 17 more days people) I'm so excited, I get to spend TWO nights with him, that alone is a slice of heaven. The place I got has three bedrooms, so we have plenty of area to cover. A fireplace, full kitchen, and a jacuzzi! Guess who is going to have a memorable birthday? That'd be me! Yup! Mmm hmm! Guess who gets to remember it with with the sexy man who rocks her world? Yep, me again! The more I think about things, the more it kinda sucks to not be me. Unless you like your job. Then, maybe you have one thing I don't. And then again, it's just a job. I'd rather be happy in all the other aspects of my life. Which, I am. So, I'm not jealous if you and your stupid job. Piss off!

Well At Least I'm Not THIS Girl...

I leave you with this fun for the weekend. Before, and after 50 lbs. I really can't believe I lost
50 lbs. It looks like it when you compare photos. I still have 20-30 more to go, but I'm quite happy with the results so far. Be kind. I'm not this girl anymore thank god. I sure treated myself like total shit! It's hard to find fat pics. Cus I avoided the camera!


This was me in August 2006.

This is me This month, November 2007

This is winter 2006. Debatable if it is February or November.
(nevermind the boob thing. It's how we roll)
uh, yea, horizontal stripes rock on a big girl!

This is October 2006. Nevermind the boob thing. It's how we roll.

Some day I'll have better photos. Like, of me swimming in my size 18 pants. Yea. I said it. Cus it'll never be me again! But I was bored at work so I decided to get something up here. Especially since today I'm feeling lardy!

Post-Turkey Day

Well. I opted not to weigh myself this week. Since, I only worked out once. And, I ate quite a lot of bad things. It's a whole new week starting this weekend, so we'll nip 'er in the bud. Mostly I just feel bloated. Too much sodium. Bleh. I'm over it! I'ts only temporary. Moving on!

Who's working today? Anyone...? Anyone...? I am. Me, and the rest of the secretaries. Who has a phone interview next week for a financial company and a way better position? Me. Who applied to work at corporate for a major restaurant chain? Me. Who wants to make more money? Me. I'm so sick of being an hourly employee. Clocking in and out. Waiting a YEAR for vacation. A billion other things. With the size of the company I work for, you would think I'd make bank. But I don't.

I had a splendid time on turkey day with the man's family. Me and the man had a miscommunication I suppose. But of course I called my Momma upset, who told me that he has boundries, and I am forgetting mine, and I'm over reacting. When the hell did I become so fracking emotional? Seriously? I have never been like this. It's really strange to me. I guess I'm still getting to know all the changes in myself. Being so head over heels about someone doesn't help in the emotion department I guess. Talking to my Momma did help I guess. I just have to learn what advice to take, and which to ignore. *ahem*

And, everything was perfection on Thursday. I got there about 9 am, which means someone didn't get to sleep in on her day off work, and got up at 7am. The family was super nice, and I offered to help a lot so I felt more comfortable around them. I made my ever-popular peanut butter pie, and people ate it. Which was a good sign! The man's dad had me oil the turkey. Have I ever mentioned how I pretty much despise touching raw meat? Yea, cus it makes me wanna hurl. Now, that's love.

The turkey was yummy! Everything was good! I even got to spend some quality time with the man, and it was long overdue. I'm pretty high maintenance where the quality time is concerned. I just wanted to kiss his lips off! Well, we also went thru music, and he burned me some CD's which I'm listening to at work!

I didn't get any rest. I started to doze off around 11 watching a movie, and he was snoring ever-so-adorably on my lap, so I took off. I made it home in 45 minutes, which was pretty good for me. Then I was up til 1:30 reminicing about how cute my man is, and how I can't stand leaving him, and I can't wait until I don't have to anymore. I know things will happen as they are meant to. It's gotten me this far, so I just have to trust in that.

Did everyone eat buckets of food, and have a nice family arguement?

Thankful...

I'm thankful for the fact that I don't have to work tomorrow. At either job! I'm also thankful for the fact that I don't work the second job on Friday. So, it's almost like a vacation. Almost, but not quite. I wore a stupid-ass Brown's sweatshirt, so I could wear jeans. You know, like in Office Space. "Friday is hawaiian shirt day! So, you can wear a hawaiian shirt...and jeans". It's the little things that make us paper pushers happy. New ink cartridges?! Awesome! Jeans day?! Look! We got different colored kleenex boxes!

What I'm not thankful for, is last night at the second job? They had me doing a job the tards do. Shut it about being politically correct, I don't care. They get paid an hourly rate, to hit 1 button. I don't. The job scans into the system, but can't read numbers or letters and it "flags" them. You hit a button. "1"..."g"...You get about 200 keystrokes per job. Normally, i get about 15,000. This means that I made 5.89 per hour last night. And that was only because I did my regular jobs for 2 hours. I made $7 for the 2.5 I did the tard work. You know, I made like $3 an hour my whole shift. Is that legal? I was totally pissed. They were behind so they had a bunch of us doing it. That shit didn't even pay for the gas for me to drive out there, and it's gonna fuck up my average hourly rate too! But that's messin up my positive post about being thankful and stuff.

*ahem*

I'm also thankful for Tara who is going to feed my poochie for me tomorrow and give her med's so I can go to the man's tonight and be in manly bliss! We're gonna go out for a while, and then I'm spending the holiday with him. Ack! It may be less stressful on me if I'm already there. We'll see. But tonight after work(s) I have to rush home, bath the dog (twice) bath myself (once) get myself ready, make two pies, pack my shit, and get the hell outta dodge!

Then, I'm thankful for my life, which as much as I complain, isn't bad at all. I really am lucky to have the friends I have who support me even if I'm sometimes irrational, and they always want me to be happy. A family that I can be myself with and they still love me. The fact that I know myself, and where I've been, and where I'm going. And a boyfriend that happens to be the sexiest man to ever live. He makes me smile, and laugh, and gives me the butterflies and tinglies just thinking about him. When I'm with him, I feel like the most special girl in the world, and he's everything I've ever wanted. Forever wouldn't be long enough. Sniff sniff.. *sigh*. Yea, I've got it pretty good!

*edit*

I'm thankful the fucker that rear-ended me on my lunch break, didn't smash up my nice new car. Or make me hit the guy in front of me. And, it appears the damage may just need buffing.

Responsibility...

I've always had a great sense of responsibility. Pride. Great work ethic. Of course, it's not the same as it once was, after being laid off the last job, I realized, that work is work and I don't really give a shit about it like I use to. But still, it does come before most things in my life. Unfortnately.

Where does the sense of responsibility stop, and self preservation begin? It's very possible, that my brother will be going back into the hospital, for another skin graft. Not because he is a poor healer. Or, it didn't take right the first time. Because he did it to himself, by the way he lives, and what he does to his body. I think I am the only one who really see's this for what it is. I remember when my mom was going to Al-anon when we were growing up, and she was getting into "tough love" and we would tell her how mean she was, and she said it wasn't that she is being mean at all. She hung up this sign that said "You have the freedom of choice, but not of consequence".

This goes for my brother. He chooses to live the lifestyle he does. He chooses to go to the bar and drink all his money away. He chooses to not have a car. He chooses to work at a restaurant when he is really smart, and can do anything he wants. He chooses to not care about himself. Those are choices he makes, because they are easier than trying to better yourself.

I did all I can do for him, and I'm at a point in my life where I come first. I have spent the last couple decades, putting myself on the back burner, for the needs of others. It wasn't even in a healthy exchange. I was just taken advantage of, and I let it happen. I'm still young enough to be able to enjoy my life. And I plan to. I can't however enjoy my life, when I work 60 hours a week. Working from 8am-10:15pm 5 days a week. I can't keep doing it. These are suppose to be the best years of my life. Do I HAVE to do it? No. But I want things for myself that require me to pay my bills off. So I do it.

Having my brother stay with me, put me further into debt. Prevented me from paying off any bills for 4 months. I realize, he is family. I love him. I care about his well being. But while I struggled working two jobs, trying to support the both of us, he did nothing to help. Instead, complained about the food I bought. The fact that I had no cable channels. Didn't take him anywhere. He wouldn't even fill out paperwork to get food stamps to help us out. Had no desire to learn how to budget his money, and ran up our phone bill to over $200, and watched me have a nervous breakdown....without so much as an "I'm sorry".

I am 31 years old. I don't have kids, because I enjoy my freedom. I'm too busy working on myself, and bettering my own life, to be concerned with caring for someone who doesn't care for themselves. I know in my own heart, this doesn't make me a bad person. I know, that sometimes you have to hit the absolute bottom before you can come up. I had mine about 8 years ago. When I lost "everything" at once. No one could make me see what I did to myself. What I allowed to go on around me. When you are in your own bubble, you have to see it for yourself, and the same is true for my brother. He has to ask for help. He has to see that he needs it. And until then, I am going to live my life like I have been doing. I stressed all night about what to do about him. But you know what? I bet my brother was having a jolly time at the bar, not worrying one bit about what he would do. And, theres something wrong with that.

Until he decides he wants to better himself, and ask for the help he needs, I'm not responsible for him, and I'm ok with that.

Million Dollar Doggie...

I'm so tired. This morning, I tried to put deoderant on my toothbrush. I'm perpetually tired. I never get enough sleep. I guess it doesn't help that I spent time being upset last night. But let's not get into that, nothing bad happened. It's just my stupid heart. Motherfucker get's in the way sometimes!

Saturday, I woke up at 9am. When was my vet appointment? 9 am. I had to call and lie that I was running behind, and I made the 30 min drive to the vet in about 15 minutes. The dog, cost me $241. She had a total overhaul. I took her to the exotic hospital where I take the rabbit. Cus, they do their own testing, and my old vets nice and all but, old school. Anyway, they scraped her skin twice and made her bleed to see if she had bacteria, or mites or something. Because she stank. And when I say stank, I mean, my entire house has smelled like the dog for months. It doesn't go away.

The dog's new medicine arsenal is this, two shampoos every other day. So in addition to the billion other things I have to do after work at 11pm, now I have to give the dog a 45 minute bath. Love it. She's on antibiotics for a month, for her upper respiratory and nasty skin. Steroids for her itching. Wipes for her face/ears because, she has a yeast infection of the entire body, and some bacterial infection on her stomach. A new eye medication that she will be on daily forever in addition to her already daily eye medication. And fish oil capsules.

The good news is, after one round of all the medications, she feels better! Yesterday, when I got home she was doing her little doggie dance. And she was eating like a horse! She's worth it. I told her I had to work two weeks at my second job to pay for her vet visit but she could care less.

Basically all the plans I made with the man this weekend fell thru. We still had a good time though! We went to dinner, and went to see American Gangster. Yesterday we went to the store (aaaah) and got stuff to make yummy breakfast, which was fun, cooking with the man. Cus, you can do fun stuff like grab his junk, and bask in his many skillz. We cuddled all day and watched movies, and it was heavenly! I just want to be with him forever. I don't really think that forever even seems long enough.

I'm pretty unhappy at the old J-O-B. Job hunting on my lunch. My ring came in however, and that makes me smile!

Assessing My Fit-ness...

It's Friday. Normally this is where I shock everyone with my weight loss. (silence) But, we see, I did that earlier this week because I gained the week before, and I couldn't wait to see if I lost. Anyway, I did maintain the 3lb loss, and am still at a 50lb deficit today.

I also got my December Fitness magazine in the mail. Which, was a gift subscription from Kat, and they keep asking me to subscribe to it. That happened when Heather got me a gift subscription of Glamour, and they quit sending it. Flippin' rip off, ok? Anyway, in Fitness, there is a assessment you can do, to test your fitness level. For the aerobic endurance, I was in the mid-level for that section. You did things like, time your mile (15 min, thankyouverymuch) do the stairs 6 times and take your heartbeat, jumping jacks timed etc..Mid level! I know skinny people who couldn't hang with that shit, I'm awesome!

Then there was a flexibility one, and apparently I'm quite limber..above average! The man said I am...*ahem* but seriously, I didn't think I was any more than average. Taking this test made me feel really good about myself, and how far I've come! Alot of the time I still see/think of myself as fat. I have to constantly tell myself that isn't me anymore. This whole weight loss thing isn't easy people. It's 95% mental. Everything else is easy, if you get that under wraps. The mind is the most powerful tool you have, and it can be used for good, vs. telling yourself you suck, your fat, etc... Try it!

It helped that yesterday a coworker left her badge at home so I let her use mine, and she gave it back to me and said "Oh, my, god I can't believe how much weight you've lost since that picture, I never noticed you were that big" Yea, I lived with myself and I didn't notice either. I've decided when I hit 60 lbs is when I'm going to do before and after, cus thats my goal weight. Of course, I want to lose 10-20 more after that, but if I don't that's ok.

One good thing about working two jobs? The work week flies by! Another good thing? Fucking paychecks, hollaaaaa! I finally got paid. One month to the day after starting there. A shitty thing? Exhaustion. I got to work 15 minutes early last night. I set my phone alarm, and slept for 15 min in the car. That 15 minutes was heavenly.

I only have one more day to wait til I can see my man in his manly man-ness. *angels sing*. I smelled him in my bed last night, and boy he smells goooood! We're spose to go to dinner w/Katie and her husband, and to Columbus for his friends bday. Good times. I'm thinking, there might also be some sex in there, but I don't want to pretend to be too sure of it, cus then the man might not give it up. Yea.

Love is a Many Splendor Thing...

I was sitting here at my desk daydreaming. Staring at my wall thinking about the man. Then I had to go outside and cool off. Pretty funny how that works. I don't know what it is with him, but he definatley does "it" for me, that's for sure. It was so nice to spend the night with him. Of course, I mean the sleeping in the same bed with him, not just the sex. (but it's the kind that when it's over your like...wtf just happened? Oh yea...like that!) I love to be close to him. God, I hope I don't scare him off! It seems to be a mutual thing, so I don't think he's gonna run off. But then, no one ever said that men make sense. I mentioned again how in the past I've been accused of being "over-sexed" he said he thinks it's perfect. I hope he means that. Then again, it was only with the last one that said that to me. And CP was a pretty strange bird. We had it out about that topic a lot. A man? Not liking sex? Like in this post. (which looking back at...makes me wonder what the fuck was I missing at the time, to not know something bigger was going on?)

Then, the man asked me an interesting question. He asked me what love was to me. I don't know that I've ever really tried to put it into words before, and it was definately not easy. I said it's a feeling more than anything..trust, not fearing what will happen. I guess it's hard for me to distinguish, because it's "felt" different with every person I thought that I loved. I've never felt as intensley for someone before. This one tops the list. If I had to describe it, I'd say it's like there is a string that runs from my heart to his, and when it's pulled too thin (when we are apart) it sort of hurts.

Of course, love is trust. And honesty. And not letting your own issues get in the way of those two things, isn't always easy. Sometimes I let bad thoughts get into my head, but the difference between how I am now, and who I use to be, is that I can see that it's just stinkin thinkin. It's my own issues, creeping up, and I have no reason to feel them, so I shut it off. The old me, would have created havoc over this sort of thing. Love is being your own person, and knowing that its OK. Love is not jealousy. Love is letting the other person grow, and be who they are, and knowing that their love is true. Trusting that it is. Not doubting it.

But ultimately, it's a feeling. A wonderful feeling. One that I havn't felt in this way before. A lot of this is all new for me. The only other time I was remotely close to having this, was when I was married, but I didn't love myself. Having self love, on top of being in love, is a feeling everyone should experience. I'm still a work in progress too. I know, things can only get better for me.

I didn't answer all this to the man. But if I had to do again, I would simply say love is what I feel for him. I'm a very lucky girl to have met him. And I thank the universe every day for bringing him into my life. And that's the truth.

What is love to you?

I'd like a job where I get paid to sleep.....

I didn't get off early last night. I also, got a new log on since mine quit working at the second job. The "big" boss was there. I said, "now, is this going to affect my pay, because you know I havn't been paid in a month?" He acted shocked when I told him the story. Whatever. I busted my freaking ass last night, and made 11.57/hr. Not too shabby for a part time gig. I also wrote the # of every batch I did, and am doing this from now on. Don't be fucking with my pay bitches. I work too hard for the shit! And, my hand hurt like a motherfucker! (the jobs I do are 99.9% numbers)

Tayray went over and aired my place out for me while I was at work so I could go back in safely and let the pets upstairs after the flea bomb. Then I worked out. I only did 45 minutes, but for the half hour I was on the treadmill I was running. Normally I walk fast/jog. I was running. I probably shouldn't have done it, because I had a hard time keeping my breathing steady, but I did it anyway. Trying to change my workouts a bit. Lose my final 20. 20 is nothing. If I continue to lose weight, I might try to stop smoking next. After I reach my goal. One thing at at time. Inch by inch.

By this time, it's midnight...when, I stripped my bed, washed and dried the sheets, comforter, pillows. Everything smells like my dog every couple of days. It's great fun. I swept the furniture, vaccumed, cleaned the bath tub, and sink, swept downstairs, did dishes, wiped the counters, dusted, and got a bath. Made rice and beef for the sick dog too. I was up until 2:30 though.

Remember when I worked these hours back in 2005/2006 and I did stupid shit like putting hair conditionor on for face lotion? I can see this in my future. I was sleeping at work again. It's an odd thing to do. Because I'm fully aware of my surroundings, and I don't stop typing, and I don't drop my head at all, but I jolt awake and think....."how long was I sleeping???" It's so freaking weird. I bet it's how people fall asleep at the wheel and crash, boom, bam! I get so tired on my way to the second job. But when I leave, I'm so happy... that I'm wide awake. Then.. working out so late, makes it nearly impossible to sleep no matter how tired I am.

I'm looking for a cabin or something like that to do for my birthday with the man. I wanna get away. Get the hell outta dodge. Have lots of sex, and drink a buttload of wine. What more does a girl need when she turns 32?

By the way. Officially, one month until my birthday. It's huge. So, you might want to start planning my suprise party, or, take up a collection to help get me out of the hole since I'm not receiving any pay for my work.

I also get to see that man tonight. I can't wait to give him a big hug, and kiss him, and smell him and touch him, and kiss him, and, well, you get the picture! I'm in love with this one!!!!