Flash Gordon...

I sat at work last night for half an hour not getting paid (notice a theme with the second job?) because my logon quit working. I asked if I could leave, cus they couldn't fix it. Why the hell I gotta sit there and not get paid? Hopefully they call me off tonight. Guess there isn't much work til one job is finished, and they called a bunch of folk off. I need a freaking break, wtf do I care? Not like I'm making any money.

So on my night off, I worked out, cut the dogs hair, mopped the kitchen, took trash down, carried a TV upstairs, mopped the laundry room, emptied (cleaned) the hot water tank, swept, cleaned litter boxes, had a bath, dishes, moved the pet food downstairs, and prepared for this morning. I was home for 3 hours before I went to bed. I'm the fucking queen of time management.

This morning, I set off a bomb. A FLEA bomb. Yes. I've got fleas. While I don't think it's quite an infestation yet, you can't be too careful when you have 6 pets. You have to nip that shit in the asshole. I bathed the cats over the weekend. That's a load of fun. I took a picture of one afterwards, and laughed at myself for the entire hour drive to see the man, because I couldn't wait to ask him if he wanted to see a picture of my wet pussy. Hee Hee...I'm so easily amused!

Did you know what a gentleman the man is? (I decided he's a man....so I should call him one) He opened my car door for me all weekend. I mean, seriously! Isn't he the cutest thing ever?

So, this morning, I locked everyone downstairs for the day which I'm sure they are going to just love. Fourteen hours of animal bliss. Of course the only one that's going to mind is Tai, she's the outcast.

I also achieved my goal of a 15 minute mile without dying. Normally, I do 3.6 miles in an hour, so it takes me over 15 min to do a mile. I was pretty proud of myself for getting there last night, and staying there the whole time, maintaining the incline, and form so I didn't hurt my knees or my back. I didn't feel like I was going to die. Though, if you were a fly on the wall you'd see that it wasn't so easy, and my whole body was sweating, and I said things like, "mother fucker" and "don't stop" along with heavy breathing. Yea... it was kinda like sex. On an incline. With sweat. Hell yea!

Then, when I weighed myself today, it happened. I hit the 50 lb mark. Angels sing!!! Let me state here, that 50 lbs is half of 100. Half of 100! That is a lot of weight. I don't know if I could even lift 50 lbs. I could almost lose 100 lbs and still be a functioning human being. Almost, but not quite. My goal, is only 20 more lbs, and 1 more size. I am so excited, I can't contain myself! All while working two jobs! I'm so fucking proud of myself. I rock. That's all there is to it. And, I deserve to toot my own horn, because I do a lot of shit every day, in addition to working 60 hours. Did I mention how I work all the time? Cus, I like to mention it. I'm also 100% drug free..unless you count my natural endorphines. And caffine. Lot's of caffine. But still.

Edit: I got myself this ring I had my eye on for the past year....for meeting my major goal. I said I'd buy me something. On my account. *gulp* It's tanzenite.

And Then, There's Monday...

Today is one of those days, that if you had super powers, you'd stop time, go back to bed, and forget happened. That, by the way is my super power of choice. Stopping time. For sleep. When you work all the time, that's all you think about. And sex. I could also stop time and work out, and clean my damned house. Perhapse even throw in taking advantage of the man while time is stopped. He'd never know the difference. Right?

My day? All I did was submit 5 travel requests for one of my VP's weeks ago. One came back needing ok'd. I didn't check it, because they never need ok'd 3 weeks out the way I submitted it. Turned out the guy called wanting approval last week or it would be canceled. My VP wasn't in the office. I got back to them Friday and it needed re-booked. Long story short, I've got both the dept managers, the divisional, and senior VP all involved, giving me shit about it because it cost the company more money. I really don't see what I did wrong, as I do this all the time with no problem. The travel guy claimed he left me 4 msgs and never heard back from me. Which is BS I contacted him twice.

It's apparently a huge deal. And, now, I'm going to get reemed about it. I've heard shit from everyone. Who needs this? Not me. I have enough stress. Like, how I work two jobs and still have no money to pay my car payment on Wednesday, because I still havn't gotten paid. I have no time to take my dog to the vet, who is now sick again. Nor do I have the money. Remind me again why I'm working 60 hours a week? Cus, it's kind of hard to remember. Seeing how I'm worse off than I would have been working 1 job.

The good news is that my physical health feels better. I have decided to blame it on lack of a healthy dose of the man. Because as soon as I saw him on Saturday, everything went back to normal. Why he gotta be affectin' my body that way? I dunno. I guess since it's fantastic being with him, it's worth the pain on the in between. *sigh*

We had a good time this wknd, we went out to eat with his friend and his girlfriend, and to the bar. I had this yummy draught cider. I could take a bath in it, and still drink the whole tub. It's that good. We just hung out on Sunday, and watched 1408. That was a good movie! We did have some time to ourselves which felt good. If you consider that I had to share him with two dogs, who also made themselves at home on his lap. How adorable is that? Pretty damned!

Also, Kat is back from Japan, which makes me happy because she will go out with me. I was so lonley without her. She's not allowed to leave me again. She did however get me some cool hello kitty stuff, and a bad-ass buddha! I also got a rock from the temple! I love my rocks man!

I'm going to look for another job.

Don't Hate Me Because...

First and foremost. I didn't hit 50lbs. In fact, I hit 47. Meaning, I GAINED two pounds. I blame my period for starting next week, and since I am a woman, and I have to deal with it every month I earned that right. Enough about it. It's not staying for long. Moving on.

I wouldn't consider myself a vain person. But, who the hell wants to walk around with scabby crusty shit on their face? And swollen lips? Not me! I've always been blessed with nice skin, and to have this stuff take over suddenly, has been detrimental to my self esteem. So I went to the Dr, without insurance (anyone want to adopt me? I do the dishes? Feed myself?) which cost me $60 bucks out of pocket for him to shine a light in my face for 5 minutes.

The conclusion? The pill can cause this sort of thing.

Dr: "can you live without it for two months?"

Me: "The pill??? Uh, no!"

Dr: "Right, I don't want you to get pregnant"

Me: "I don't want me to get pregnant either!!"

Then asked if my swollen lip could've been a cold sore. I said, I've never had herpes in my life! Gross!

So, I'm staying on the pill. Supposedly, if it's caused by the pill, it will subside by the second week into my next pack, which is in 3 weeks. All the crap should stop. Cramps, dizziness, headaches, ROSACEA! Nice!

Then I paid $79 for a prescription to clear it up. Yea, you heard me. I charged that shit. Massa-cawd say he don't care when I pay him back. Mmmm hmmm. Guess what 80 bucks'll get you? A 50% improvement on your crusty ass face, that's what! In a day it's better. Me likey!

The boy said the cutest thing, which is a total lie, but he said that the only thing he noticed on my face was my smile and his lips. Is this one adorable, or what? I am having other health issues. Like, my heart aches. And, to think about being in his presence again makes me squeal. Uh! And guess what? They wrote a song about him. Love the first line. Who wants to lock her man in the closet? Me!

I'm going to his house tomorrow, we're going out for his friends birthday. So, this means I'm not going to have my fill of him. If youknowhatimean.

I still havn't gotten paid for the second job. Calling the fucking assholes today. I am learning that to be an enlightened person, you understand that everyone is on their own paths in life. And they shouldn't bother you. That's where they are. This is where you are. Well...I mean, being nice and letting the world be the world is only ok for so long. Until it fucks with my income. Then we got problems!

Well, My Insides Don't Hurt Or Anything....

See me using positive thinking in my title? Thinking away the fact that I'm in pain? Yea, that's not working for me at all.

I won't bore you to tears with how sad I was last night that I didn't get to see my man cuz he is sick. And, how, for the first time since we started dating, it will be a week since we've seen each other, given we still see each other this weekend. *siiiiiiiiiiigh*. I might have cried, but I'm not seeing it as weakness. I'm seeing it as positive because I tend to hide and deny my feelings. So, having them is a personal victory for me. I would've taken care of him, cus that's how much I love him. I think this is a time where the distance thing really blows. And I'm over talking about it cus it's just gonna depress me.

Instead, I'll focus on the positive of the evening.

I got to go tanning. I can only go once a week, cus I work god-awful hours. It felt nice, and I had my quick nap which always seems to get me going! And I also got a real-live workout in! Meaning, yesterday I walked for an hour and a half total, and did a 1/2 hour of abs/weights. This made me feel fantastic. Not as fantastic as "working out with the boy". *ahem* And not quite as rewarding either. Oh well.

I have no cable. They shut my shit off. Sad, that I work so much and can't pay my bills. Oh yea, they didn't pay me at the second job. Silly girl. Yea, how's getting that paycheck going for you? It's not. End of discussion. I'm beyond pissed about it. But there is nothing else I can do to change it. So, what's meant to be will be. After all I went thru to get money to cover my rent, do you think she's cashed my check yet? No. Fucking. Bitch! I get paid tomorrow and I couldn have saved myself all the trouble of borrowing money. You live and learn!

I have horrid cramps. Which I will be discussing with the Dr. today. I didn't even have such bad cramps not being on the pill, and that's bad because I had baaaaaaaaad cramps! Want a pretty worthless birth control pill? Try Desogen. The only thing good I can say about it is I didn't gain weight. And that could just be because I work out regularly, I wouldn't give credit to that shit pill. Why oh why can't I get my tubes tied? Seriously....it's my freaking body!

I'm listening to a really good book at work. "Transformations" by Wayne Dyer. It's a lot of the same ideas as "The Secret" which if you don't know by now...I swear by. Only it's explained a bit differently. Same idea, in that you can change your life by your thoughts. But think of it like this. All we are, are our thoughts. Think about your past. You have feelings and memories about it...but it isn't tangible. You can't touch it. You can't hold it, they are thoughts. Only thoughts. But we deem them so powerful. Thoughts are powerful.

Think of people in your life. You don't have them in your mind, you have thoughts of them. Being upset about, or wanting to change the past in your own life, is just as useful as thinking about the Veitnam War, feeling bad about it, and wanting to change it. You can't change that, and you can't change your own past. It's pointless to try, a waste of energy. You should focus on positive thought, because it's all we have. Thoughts are that powerful.

He also goes on to talk about not fearing aging, because the only thing that ages is our "shell" not our spirit. And that we are not even in the same bodies we were in 7 years ago, all the cells have been replaced. Isn't that interesting? I am really worried about aging, so this is particularly interesting to me. But then, I'm only on disc 2.

And, to make myself feel better, with all the womanly crap I've got going on, and missing the man....I just visited the diamonds. Diamonds always make a girl feel better. But I am no longer putting anything on my employee account, so I have to wait until I have the cash for stuff. You know, after I pay the cable bill. And then, it's Christmas time.

Adverse Reaction....

I've decided that I'm having more than just "a" side effect from my birth control. I've started cramping in my ovaries in the evenings. Dizzy spells. Nausea. Now, I have some sort of rash on my face, it's not just acne...It's a full blown rash, and it's affecting all my skin. I've never had a problem my entire life. This morning? I woke up and my upper lip is swollen bad enough that my coworkers can tell, I can barely smile, and its hurting my gums. What......the fuck? This is the only thing different I have done in the past 3 weeks.

Today's mission? Calling my old Dr. (that delivered me.....) and seeing what he can do about getting me a new prescription. Hoping he can get my records from PP. I am not going thru another exam. I was run thru the gammit with all the scraping and swabing for the tests I had done. My va-jay-jay is closed for that sorta business. I'll make payments, I'll pay full price monthly for the pills, whatever. I cannot live my life looking like such a freak. I apologize to the freaks out there, but I can't do it. PP doesn't have any of the other three pills I have tried with no problem in the 17 years I've been on the pill, and they don't write scripts, you have to buy from them. Wish me luck. Not like I can just stop taking the pill either, so until I get something else, I suffer. *sigh*

I'm at work last night, minding my bizness, as I always do, and I hear my name. CP was there. Waving at me. I gathered that he was there to visit my supervisor, as she was also his supervisor when he worked there. I know he isn't trying to get his job back, because that would just be silly, right? Not to mention, he up and quit one day with no notice, so I doubt they will hire him back. Then he emailed me today to say it was nice seeing me. Said something about being beautiful as ever and that he meant it in a friendly way. I dunno kids.... That doesn't sound friendly to me? I mean I'm only super duper, head over heels in love with someone else! So, no worries!

Got my stats for week before last. I made over $100 more in one week than at the police station. I smell financial freedom on the horizon!

I get to see that boy who invades my brain, and makes me crazy tonight! Yippppeeeee! I absolutely cannot wait to feel him. Ugh. Just the thought makes me nuts! I might have to jump him right away..... For some reason it feels like it's been for-ev-er! Let's see in 6 months, if the boy still has no problem with my sexual appetite, he said he has no problem with it. It's been my experience that boys tire of my sexual prowess.

P.S. My new favorite thing to eat is cottage cheese, peas, and sunflower seeds. I know it may sound gross, but it's actually quite good. One of my VP's eats the peas and cottage cheese every day. See if this helps me meet my 51lb weight loss goal on Friday! I've had way too much bread in the past few weeks, so I'm not having my delicious breakfast sandwhich. *sigh*

I Plan to Have a Plan...

So, in an effort to kick 50lbs in the ass this week I have devised a plan of action. I brought extra shoes to work, and since it's not hot out, I'm gonna hoof it around the parking lot for half an hour on lunch. Yesterday, I walked in my friggin work shoes, and I think my feet might actually fall off. You know what though? I feel fabulous. Today I walked with a coworker, and guess what? It's freaking snowing. Not like a blizzard, but it's cold and theirs some specks flying around.

Ahhhh....gotta love it! I decided, no way can I get up at 5:30 after 4 hours of sleep, and workout for an hour and a half, then be ready to leave for work on time, be "working" 14 hours (actually 12, but including drive time...). It's just not possible, and I have to give myself a break. I also have to workout every day or I get down on myself, and that's a bad thing. It fucks up my whole positive outlook, and I'm not trying to do that, when I've been on the right track for so long. So, self, you are going to turn this shit around, got it?

I understand, I'm not indestructible. I have to give myself some time to rest at some point, but really, when is that gonna be? I have to keep up after pets, and myself, and workout, and work 60 hours, and have a (super hot & fantastic) boyfriend. Working out is really the only "me time" I have and enjoy!

Not to mention, I believe the new birth control is making me sick. I'm trying not to give into it, but I'm nauseus, I don't feel "myself" and it's making my face horribly broken out. I'm giving it to the end of a month on the new one and I'm trying something else. Looking as tore up as I look, I don't know that I need birth control. The boy might not want to touch me! Ack! That will be detrimental to my overall health as well!

I have to find a balance. Understand that I might not have time to do everything I think needs to be done, and be OK with it. Understand that some day I will be able to get back into a routine again. Until then, I need to not be hard on myself. The money will come. The weight loss will come. Everything will happen as it should. I need to stop trying to pretend I have control over it.

Ummm..Like, No means No...

Friday, I didn't get paid from the second job. Nice. I had to call the landlord and ask her not to cash rent until today, and now I have to send extra money.

Turns out, the dickhead at work who turns in our "stats" didn't turn mine in. I've been clocking in and out, and "not working". Which not only means I don't get paid, it means it fucks up my productivity, which has to be at 80% to not get a write up.

Dude was raised in a carnival. Had rats for friends. You think that I made that up cus he's a creepy crawly dude, but that's the story he tells people. I told you I work with some real gems.

My brother loaned me a portion of what I needed, which was shocking, and nice. But now I'm in the hole already coming into my next pay. I figure, I'll be in debt to cash advance until at least after Christmas. How's that working 60 hours a week and getting ahead goin for ya? Fabulous thanks, pretty fucking fabulous. I could look back and blame lots of people for being in the situation I am financially, but really, I can only take responsibility for me.

Friday night, "someone" texted me. Let's refer to last week, when I told "someone" that I have a boyfriend, and that's that... right? Mind you I hadn't even seen him since before I went out with the boy, which is the longest we'd gone w/o seeing each other, so what the fuck?

Anyhow, Friday he texts me and asks when the last time I thought about "us" was. Huh? Was there an "us" to begin with? No! I said "it's been a while, I told you I have a BF now, and I am quite happy, I have everything I want. Not the kind of girl who does that sort of thing." /message.

Does having a mutually non-commited relationship make you a friggin' slutbag, or what? Seriously?

I'm just gonna stop responding, cus I told him what's up twice!

I didn't get to see that boy til about 9 on Saturday. Needless to say it was long overdue. *Ahem.*... We went to see "30 Days of Night". Cree-eepy! We met my brother for a couple drinks after the movie, it was like 1 am. Brother likes the boy. Like I said before, what's not to like? Seriously? You'd like him too. He right off the bat didn't like the exes.

Guess what the boy did for me on Sunday? Besides the wake-up, which goes without saying? wink wink. He put a door on for me.Yea, so not only did he do that, he put the door knob on the right way cus it locked from the downstairs and not the upstairs. He's smart about manly things! He was pretty good with a screwdriver too. And he's so good to me. I love it!

Then he took me to eat, and we went shopping. We went to Joann's to find baggies. I suggested looking in the wedding aisle cus they'd probably have them for favors. He said it was slick how I got him to the wedding aisle.

After all that business we rented movies and chilled out. I surely love him. Of course when he left I cried. I stopped even trying to figure out why I do that. Cus it isn't the being alone. I don't mind being alone....I just wish it never had to end. *sigh* And today I miss him terribly. I don't want to sound hokey and say that he 'completes me', but he definatly makes me feel 'right' when we are together. I always knew there was someone for me in the world, that would make me this happy. Who knew I just had to believe it, and be patient?

Breaks Are Nice

You may notice that I didn't weigh myself this week. This is for my own good, don't question it. Catch me next week when I am certain I'll be down. I'm not so sure, and I don't want to know because I am easily discouraged! I do know, I only worked out 3 days this week so far. I'm just not feelin' it.

Last night someone had the night off. That someone was ME! I got to work and there's all sorts of parking. I go inside, not a soul at the computers. So I found my supervisor and she said she tried to call me. Whatever. The computers were down, so I got to go home on my merry way!! This use to happen last time I worked there, or the work is slow so we have the option to leave. The shitty thing about it is I dunno if I got paid. I know there's no direct deposit in my account today. I better have a check tonight, or my rent check is going to bounce! I don't get paid from my real job til next Friday. I've been working 3 freaking weeks. I need a paycheck! Can't wait until my new found wealth kicks in. "I am wealthy, money comes easy to me, I have an abundance"......But it wouldn't hurt if you all sent me money thoughts. This is the first time in 3 years I havn't had the money for my rent. It's sorta scarey! I've never not had extra money.

You might think that a girl who falls asleep sitting up while working, after two redbulls and a 5 hour energy supplement, would go to sleep on her night off, but you don't know me very well. I had too much to do. When I got home, I noticed that the boy had done some stuff! He took back the movies we rented on Sunday. Emptied ashtrays. Put the dishes in the sink. Even the glasses from my bedroom! Made the bed! Seriously, it doesn't get any cuter than that people. He said he knew I didn't have much time to do anything. *swoon* It melted me. I'm so lucky! No one has ever been so nice to me, or thoughtful of me. Able to recognize that yea, I do work a lot, and I have a lot to do at home. He doesn't even live there, and he did that! We wont get into how I had to do all of the above in the past plus pick up after someone who wasn't even working "a" job. You live and learn.

So....back off, he's mine. Don't be trackin' me down and stalkin' me to try to steal him. I mean, I can understand why you would want to, I personally want to lock him away myself! It just made me miss him even more, if that's humanly possible. This brings up the whole butterfly story my mom told me and my 6th grade boyfriend once. She actually sat us down and told us this story about how butterfies are beautiful, but you can't keep them locked in a jar to enjoy only for yourself. It was pretty deep for 12 year olds. But we really thought we were in love. Gotta love her.

I got to bed about 11:45. That's early for me. I'm still pretty tired, but I'm not exhausted, and there is a big difference.

What I did get done was...I got a real workout in! A full hour and a half!!! I actually jogged for more than 10 min! It'd been weeks since I did that, I have had to cut them in half plus I'm too stiff in the morning! I was still able to do it. What else did I do? Washed the sheets and comforter, swept, steam cleaned the billion piss spots on my floors, 2 loads of laundry washed, dried, put away, bathed the dog, bathed 1 cat, did the dishes, got a bath, and still managed to watch Grey's Anatomy! And make a list of the trillion other things I still have to do before the wknds over. One of which is put all my lawn furniture away. In order to do that, I have to re-organize the garage. This will be probably the fourth time this year. How does a garage keep getting dis-organized? I have no idea!

It was frosty this morning. Brrrr. But guess who didn't have to melt her car? I moved the couch I've been keeping for my brother to the back of the garage so I can utilize its comfy warm-ness for my little car. I love having a garage.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

When I got home from work(s) last night, there was some cute guy hanging out at my neighbors house. Oh wait, that was MY cute guy! Tayray and her man were passing out candy for Halloweener. She was a clown, which is funny cus if you remember, she hates them. Thus, my leaving her various clown suprises when I cat sit. I'm a good friend like that.

Ok...soooo, last night the boy was like, maybe I found your blog, and I'm like, maybe I'll die of embaressment. Then hes like, Id never embaress you..I didn't mean it that way. Not like I have anything to be embaressed of. Right? Other than the fact that I said we're getting married he he he. I'm a funny girl though. You can't go and believe everything I type, k...I mean. Maybe I was just joking or something. Or....fuck, well - it must have been meant to happen, and I can't change it. Oh well. I have no reason to fret over it, it's how I feel. So, I'm gonna pretend like it never happened. And press on. I can't just erase the last almost three years of my life on the internets.

I'm in boy bliss last night, and my friggin phone rings at 10 something...private. I didn't answer it. It's never good news at 10 and private. I got an email today from CP, saying he called me but I must have been working and his number comes up private. I responded that no, I wasn't working, that my MAN was over, and I didn't want to be INTERRUPTED. He said before that "if God wants us to be together down the road, then we will be". I say, if "God" wanted us to be together, you wouldn't have fucked up so much, and "God" wouldn't have given me my perfect match wrapped up in the cutest package. How's that burning bridge going for you? I should just be bitchy to him, but that's not me. And...I have to stay true to myself. Here is where my Mom and Sister say that he is going to wind up killing me and then I'll learn.

So, I'm feeling off this morning. As is my Thursday and Monday routine anymore. I'm not depressed, or sad...it's just kinda empty. And I don't mean that in the way that I need the boy to feel like a whole person, but yea, kinda I do mean that. I am me and fine, and happy normally. I guess I can say that he makes me more me. That might sound less pathetic.

Say, like...maybe you are living your life to the fullest, and you're a good runner. And you have some decent running shoes, that you wear every day. One day, someone gives you new running shoes, and you get to feel how well they fit you. You seem to go faster, and longer with these shoes on, so naturally, you want to wear the new shoes every day, but you can't. You can only wear them a couple days a week. So on the days you wear your old running shoes, sure, you still run, and they don't give you blisters, but you think about how good it felt to wear the new shoes. How much further and longer you could run. And you wish you could just wear those every day, and it makes no sense why you have to be given the ability to be greater, but you don't have access to it.

Damn, that was the most perfect comparison. Sometimes I even scare myself.

Last night didn't make it any easier. It's pretty clear that he feels the same way, and that makes it even more frustrating. Frustrating? That's not even the right word. The only thing I can say is that I just want to chomp off a hunka the boy and eat him. Does that sound disgusting.....or what? He makes me feel so good. Just being there. I can't get enough of him, and I love it. Sometimes I hate it. Like today. And tomorrow. And whenever I have to wait to see him. But I'm thinking it's my lesson in patience or some crap like that. Which, hello...not working. I love the way he kisses me, the feeling I get when he hugs me, or holds me, and that I can't stop smiling. Writing this is making me tear up. I'm such a sucker for this love stuff. Who knew?