"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Way More Shocking than the "F" bomb...


I'm happy as a clam with school friend, aside from my inner voice asking me, is this THE ONE??.

I kinda like school friend. But then there is the fact, that he likes me a whole lot more than I like him. Or, he is better at showing that he likes me. At this point, I don't know and I don't have to.

I think, I'm so not use to being the one that is cherished in a relationship that I'm cautiously optimistic in this case. And on the night in question, I actually felt myself let go a little bit more. I let myself be vulnerable. And, nothing bad happened.

The only complaint I can say I have is that I'm not head over heels for him. He makes me say "awww" a lot, and we have definite chemistry, we laugh all the time, have amazing conversations, and I do think about him when we are apart.....but I don't have that loving feeling.

One particular night we were cuddled up watching wolverine, kissing during commercial breaks like kids do when their parents leave the room....because you ONLY have a few minutes! (sidenote: #1 flaw? NO TIVO! who watches commercials?)

I was giving him shit about something or other for about the 10th time that evening..... when it happened.

In a "I just love when you roll your eyes at me" ...non-chalant...said it a billion times kind of way, while we were both laughing about what I'd said......he blurted out "I just love you".

*crickets*

My heart stopped, and I just continued laughing and said "I love giving you shit". I wanted to get up, gather my things, and run home. But I acted like it never happened.

But it did happen.

I was sort of freaked out about it. I told "the girls" in the morning. And school friend texted me the usual "good morning sunshine" and I texted him back.

A few hours passed, and he said something was bothering him. He couldn't sleep the night before. He was stressed out about something he said that came out wrong, when he said it he "saw the look on my face". (hello, I thought I totally played it off, but I guess not.....)

I knew what he meant, and I tried to play it off by saying "I took it as a playful gesture, if that was how you professed your love for me, I'd ask for a re-do".

Instead of packing up and running for the hills, I tried to think of it in a friendly way.

And just like that, I returned to the moment. The one where I like a boy a lot, but I'm not in love, and I can be myself with him.

I don't have to figure it all out right now. And what is meant to be, will be.

I know everything happens for a reason, and just because I don't see myself walking down the aisle with him, doesn't mean we shouldn't see where it leads.

Right?

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Follow the Leader...

Am I the only one who stalks people when they run? In a not-so-creepy stalker way, I mean. You find someone who runs your pace and you follow them? I like to think I invent things, but I know I can't be the only one. It's kinda like drafting in racing, right?

I kept getting too close to this poor girl today. And I had to keep backing off.

Unfortunately my pace stalkee didn't turn around at 2 miles to do 4, but I did shout out "thanks for pacing me." In a totally playful, non creeper kind of way. I like to think, she had her headphones in so she didn't hear me, and she wasn't thinking "thank god that freak show girl turned around", because she totally ignored me.





So I was stuck folloiwing this girl home. She kept up a pretty good pace too, if she does say so herself!

I am so loving this winter weather. I need to do more long runs, so I am ready for my half marathon this spring!!

It will be my second bucket list goal of the year to cross off. #1? Getting Madonna tickets.

Only two days until I am able to purchase pre-sale tickets due to my life long fan club status.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Feeling Bad-Ass...



This week has been crap for running, I ran twice, instead of every day. And, I am a horrible stress eater, and works been hella stressful. It's amazing what eating shit can do for your ass in a pair of jeans in a matter of days. I feel it growing!!

I couldn't face another second at work, even in the gym. So, instead of the old me way of thinking and ignoring it, I ventured out for an outdoor week day run since the weather has been great, and it doesn't get dark now til after 6pm!! YES! (BTW...February in Ohio...in a tshirt and long pants!! I love it!!!)

About 2 miles in, it started to rain. And, instead of the usual 4 miles, I did 6. I didn't turn around at the 2 mile mark, I turned around at 3!

Instead of over an hour for 6 miles, I did it in 50 minutes.

That's just the sort of thing one needs, to get their mojo back. And remind yourself...I still got it!!

The body is an amazing thing, when you master the mind that tells you, "you can't" and you push past your comfort level....its all sorts of inspiring!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Being Woo'd....

I think nice guys finish last, because girls who get their hearts brutally smashed, are so afraid to fall in love again.

I'm guilty of that.

But it helps when the guy trying to woo you, is understanding, and patient. My being honest about having to take baby steps so far, has been a very good thing!

Too much too soon is scary! Enough, in small doses, is perfect!

I have never ever been put on a pedestal before, and it's kind of weird. But that is where I am right now. I am trying to enjoy the moment, and go with the flow. When someone sees the real you, when you are trying to hide it from the world, it's kinda scarey.

I don't want to look for ulterior motives. Or pick apart every sweet word or gesture....but he certainly treats me like a lady, and I am enjoying every minute, at my own pace.

I do know that I deserve to be happy, and treated well...but allowing it to happen, is oddly challenging.

Why is that?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Things Girls Like...


1) Flowers from a really sweet guy, who understands that you just need to take baby steps to learn to open you heart again.

2) A great guy that is willing to take those steps with you.

My favorite conversation about my beautiful arrangement went something like "you got flowers like that after one date?" I said "I also got flowers for our first date". She replied "I'd marry that one....." Oh, if it were only that easy, right?

3) Making others jealous. I also kinda liked, that my flowers are in full view when hot security guard walks by to check me out 5 times a day, but never talks to me. It's weird the things that make a girl smile inside.

4) Random texts that say cute things like "I just wanted to tell you that I thought about you alot today, I hope you feel better!"

5) Listening to your Mom....when she says "not giving it all up" will make a man crazy, she knows what she's talkin bout!! Who knew?



6) Girl dates! I spent Valentine's with a fellow single girlfriend, people watching (which was great on Valentines!) sipping carmel appletini's.

7) Girlie movies! After drinks, we caught a super cute girlie movie together! We saw This Means War, and it was awesome! (btw: we had plans far before I started seeing school friend, and he understood...)

8) Hot guys!! Aforementioned movie starred "Warrior's" Tom Hardy, he is sssssmoking!!! I've added him to my list of future husbands. (P.S. Warrior made me cry, and stand up and cheer, and I had no interest in even seeing it....goood rental!!)

9) Nice friends! I might add, that my girl date was pretty generous, she bought my movie ticket, and my um...five drinks...gulp!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Woodwork...

How much did Katy Perry rock the stage at the Grammy's? This song says "kick rocks, bozo", and I love it!!



I'll never understand that boy radar. You know, the one that they have that goes on red alert when you are either happy, or seeing someone else?

Surely someone could harness this power for some sort of good? Instead of making it cause them to remember "oh...I fucked up....she seems to be doing really well, I should totally call her!"

I got some texts today from some exes. One was of oh....13 or so years, to tell me that he saw me on FB, and obviously I had been hitting the gym pretty hard, and I am looking really good. I won't lie, it did make me smile a bit. In the "you're loss, buddy" category.

What didn't make me smile, was that he is now living with his fiance, and has 3 kids with her. I see some things never change.

I just responded "yes I have, thank you, say hello to your fiance, and kids for me!" And ignored all future texts in response.

Maybe I am not fully together emotionally, but I will NEVER be "THAT GIRL". That girl ruined many of my relationships, along with the assholes that partook in the "thatting" of the girl.

I may not have found him yet, but the right one is out there for me, and he sure as hell does not have a fiance, and kids at home.

Then, TDH texted me today to "see how I was doing" and "did I want to get together to talk" or "am I not even interested anymore". It's been a few months since I broke things off with him, "to get over my ex".

When I broke things off, I told him I needed time...to "do my own thing"....the least I could do is talk to him and explain where I am at this point in my life. He didn't do anything wrong, other than fall for a girl who didn't have an available heart to give.

I think until I can be with a guy that is seemingly awesome, not afraid of committment, and is super sweet to me....and not think about how he isn't exmanfriend, I'm no good for anyone.

I've also pumped the brakes on the development with school friend for the same reason. Yes, things are great, but no, I am not ready for a full on relationship yet. I don't wanna end up being someone I hate, that hurts people. So we are dialing it back a bit. We are still going to talk, and date.

I'm trying...but with baby steps.

The best part is that he is so understanding of that, and not wanting to mess things up with us, that it doesn't even phase him.

He's pretty cute.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Last Will and Testament....

By now, you all know Madonna is touring. *Angels sing* The last time she came to Ohio, was 1987. I was 12. I was at the very beginnings of my love for Madonna, lace bows in the hair, o-ring bracelets, talking mom into dressing as her for Halloween. (I'll never forget when Mom took me to several stores to find the glittery bracelets...she's a good Mom)

Do you think I got to see her in concert? Hell no. The handful of times she has toured to nearby cities in PA, or NY, no one would spend the money for a ticket...let alone a trip out of town, and overnight stay.

Sure, I own all her movies, and concerts, and pretend I am there. I take the time to learn the dances to the songs, and have spent countless hours in front of the mirror acting them out. I mean, who doesn't do that where their icon is concerned?

Now, at 36, my time has come. I have a friend prepped and ready to get on the gravy train with me. She was threatened by her husband that she better not spend that much money on a ticket. But she didn't care!

I am going to utilize my fan club status, to attempt pre-sale tickets at the second highest price. If all goes well, and I am successful in getting tickets..... I just might die.

Furthermore, it is at the arena where my company has a suite. I doubt I get free the free tickets, but with tickets, also come free upgrade passes. And if I play my cards right, I may just get to see her from about a hundred yards.

Then? I will likely die.

In that instance, I leave all my Madonna memorabilia and music to Nichole, the only chick cool enough to see her with me. The stipulation is she can never sell anything.

My journals, are to be snatched up instantly by my friend Katie, who will know what to do with them, after re-living all our childhood memories together, and laughing at the later years as well.*

The cats go to Katrina.

Magoo goes to Gramma, along with the Fusion.

My sister gets all my amazing buddha decorations (including the ones I stole from her on my vacation), my dream book and the disgusting amount of jewelry I have purchased from work. (With the exception of the diamond ring I bought myself, because no man ever would...this should be placed on my cold dead finger!)

Everything else can be sold to pay off the taxes I still owe for living in a podunk town for 5 years, and having to pay an extra income tax.

Don't be too sad, I will have died a happy, and fulfilled girl. (but you should still totally cry at my funeral)

*Proceeds from any publishing of my lifes work should be used to build an animal sanctuary

Monday, February 06, 2012

Where there are still gentlemen..


My date was pretty nice this past weekend! We went on over an hour trek to a delicious winery. Our dinner reservation was at 6:30 so he picked me up at 4.

He brought me beautiful yellow roses. Do guys still do that? Yes....they do!

I don't remember the last time I got flowers, but it was probably at least as far back as 2005. I'm sorry...I did get a rose from exmanfriend's brother one night at a bar from the rose guy. Yes...his brother.

But, it made me smile that he went to the extra effort to do something like that. And, from a real florist at that, wrapped up with a bow and everything! Not even gas station flowers!!

When he helped me into his truck, he told me the water in the console was for me...since it was a long ride, and he knows how I have to always have water.

Then, we have different music tastes. I like everything, particularly, hip hop, and pop...he likes rock...And he told me to pick out a station on sirius. I of course, picked out a pop station, and got to hear Madonna's new song for the first time! Score! He didn't make fun of my squeals, and car dancing either, he totally appreciated it!

Then, he let me plug my phone in, and play my own music. I was probably in heaven at that point. Jamming out to "work out" and "talk that talk" and the like. It's the little things!! I am always the giver, its so different to have a like minded person to hang out with!!

Super sweet.

We did a wine tasting before dinner, where we got to try a list of 8 wines! Then, we did another list! You got to keep your glasses too, so now I have a nice set of four from our first date, and a slew of new wines to like!!

We were seated by the fireplace, overlooking the water, it was pretty romantic! We got a bottle of wine that I got to choose for us, and had an amazing meal, and great conversation! I got chicken, broccoli, and a side of fettucini (oh how I missed fettucini!) I did limit myself to just "tasting" the bread and oil...but it was soooo worth the taste!

It's been so long since I had any man treat me as though I am a valuable lady, that I almost didn't know how to act. I was very shy. Getting to make choices, without worrying about what he would think about it, because it was "whatever I wanted", because "you deserve to be treated this way".

Huh?!?

I am so not use to that, but if things continue to progress, I think I can certainly get use to it! I just have to get out of my head and stop worrying about the end game, and enjoy the moment.


)

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Madonna Killed It...

Ok haters, say what you will...

The Madonna performance at the superbowl has been nothing but life changing for this girl!! I have been counting down every week, day, second....

Madonna has been my uno #1 since I was 11. I have never wavered, and in my living room, she was on stereo, accompanied by my unaccomomplished voice, and dancing stylings.

Go, Madonna, it really doesn't get any better for your fans!! Much love!

And for the haters, did you really think "the who" was better? I mean..........come on!!

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Impending Date...

So, my big date is this weekend. Not that it matters anymore, because I have seen him twice already. (insert smile) Now, this weekend we will be just seeing each other again, on an official "date". We got along just great in person, and he is probably the sweetest guy I have ever met.

I am such a planner, I thought I held all the cards waiting until the weekend, but he caught me off guard wanting to get together and, in a true "un-self like" manner, I agreed. It went something like "I'd really love to come over and kiss you" to which I responded "you wouldn't be disappointed" which lead to, "text me your address", and ended with the sweetest kiss.

Or two.

Or maybe three, I lost count!

I did something spontaneous and I didn't die. Now, riding a motorcycle? I'm still convinced will kill me. So, that's a work in progress. At least he thinks so.

What the future holds, remains to be seen. I can only say that after all this time, it is nice to have such common emotional interests with someone, and talk and talk, yet never run out of things to say. I am an open book, and I know myself, and I have gotten the same in return from him.

He is gentle, kind, and respectful in a way I have always wanted, yet he is still a man. You know, like, he can rebuild a car, hammer a nail, and make plans for you to go out, and doesn't pussyfoot around anything you ask him, and can speak what's on his mind?!?

A pretty good mix of things in my world!

He really makes me smile, and right now, that is enough for me.

Here goes nothin...