I dunno that I believe in the saying "Nice guys finish last". I also don't believe that when we die we all float into the clouds and meet up with family members, but don't get me started on all of that mess.
I don't know what it is that makes a woman question her own sanity, because a "nice guy" is into her, and she isn't into him. I don't think it has anything to do with being nice. Or, needing drama in one's life. (which, some people do, "hello, my entire 20's.....? anyone?!")
By a woman, I mean me. Yes, I have a nice guy who really likes me a whole lot, and puts a lot of effort into seeing me, and wants to take me out and spend time with me, but I'm just not that into him.
I don't know why. And I don't know that I have to know why? Do I? I'm just not! And I am leaning towards that being enough. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling.
I keep thinking, oh its going to just come along, I'm going to realize that, and he's going to blow my mind some day. I'll realize that he's good for me. But, I don't think I'm the kind of girl who wants to settle for "he's good for you". I mean, I still have all my teeth, my looks, and good health. I think that's the sort of thing you settle for when you are pushing around an oxygen tank, looking for someone to change your diapers.
I think a lot of people are unhappy because they settle. They lie to themselves. They let other people decide what they want. They sell themselves short. Deny what is deep in their hearts. Take what they have, and try to believe its all they want. Or, foolishly believe that by not falling in love, they are not getting hurt.
For me, love may still be in the form of exassholemanfriend, but ultimately I want the kind of love I felt when we were together. I still have no idea if this means him, or if I am holding on to these hopes because I want to feel like that again.
Having had that, makes me want to strive for it that much more. And makes me even less excited to spend time with someone I only like in a friendly way. I know what I want, so why waste my time?
I want the electricity. The butterflies. The passion. The giddieness. The sillyness. The closeness. The feeling that everything will be ok. Feeling like in that persons arms is where you belong, and the feeling of contentment that comes with it, still brings tears to my eyes.
I'm not afraid to put my heart out there. Because despite how much it hurt to fall so far from that high, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, to feel those feelings with someone again. I'm a hopeless romantic.
I think we all can have what we really want. If we just dare to believe, that we can.
*Hello, universe, take the hint, and bring me my future Mr. Me.